• Member Since 5th Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

SockPuppet

I like writing about the worst day of a character's life; it lets us see the mettle inside. (Pronouns: Sock/No!)

SockPuppet Joined 5th Dec, 2018 · Offline

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There's only one way to deal with an undead dairymancer.

Thanks to many on Discord for inspiration and brainstorming.
Chapters (1)
Complete Published: Mar 2nd, 2022 Download
1,908 words
Comments ( 24 )
Samey90
Samey90 #1 · Mar 2nd, 2022 · · ·
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No one cared about my music!

Unfortunately, trap didn't catch on in Equestria...

FanOfMostEverything
FanOfMostEverything #2 · Mar 2nd, 2022 · · ·
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puppet operas, pegasus races, or zebra-versus-breezie gladiator combat.

According to Sock, this is an intentional sign of suspect historicity. Hopefully. (Though I could definitely see somepony inventing Muppets.)

It's warm, and I'm getting all sorts of ab-para-normal readings.

Is that abnormal relative to normal paranormal readings, or paranormal when compared to normal abnormal readings?

And yes, it was clearly a mistake to tell you not to do this. Brilliant madness, especially the clever inclusions like the last adventure of Daring Do. Thank/curse you for it.

Damaged
Damaged #3 · Mar 2nd, 2022 · · ·
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Now that was a gouda story—they certainly don't get any cheddar than this. Absolutely brielliant!

Graymane Shadow
Graymane Shadow #4 · Mar 2nd, 2022 · · ·
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"but after I burned down the Royal Library, started a war with Griffonstone, and sang bawdy ballads about her big butt, Twilight banished me into it until I was kissed by a princess."

Let's be real; that last one is what pushed Twilight over the edge.

Lurks-no-More
Lurks-no-More #5 · Mar 2nd, 2022 · · ·
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Yah, when Sprout calls you out, you have a problem.

Mockingbirb
Mockingbirb #6 · Mar 2nd, 2022 · · ·
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I forgive the final line's feghoot, because it also works as a matador-style double plot twist, doesn't it? :twilightsmile:

Scyphi
Scyphi #7 · Mar 2nd, 2022 · · ·
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Sunny flipped pages. "An ancient Equestrian delicacy, served in the Royal box to the princesses at puppet operas, pegasus races, or zebra-versus-breezie gladiator combat."

At least one of these examples is correct--nothing like eating some nachos while watching a zebra and a breezie fight to the death, after all! :pinkiecrazy:

Deep in the caverns beneath the Canterlot ruins, a pegasus mare—reduced to nothing but dried bones in a khaki shirt and pith helmet—had been impaled on a spear trap a few steps short of the artifact.

Personally, I like to think it wasn't actually the obvious pony implied here, but rather a cosplaying superfan in over her head. :rainbowlaugh:

"Izzy!" Sprout shouted. "Hitch gets it."

And I'm betting Sprout currently wishes that he didn't.

"Look, little filly," Zipp said, "I'm over here."

The red eyes focused on Zipp. "I am Lich'il Cheese, undead dairymancer of doom, and I am a colt!"

Wait, are fans seriously still debating that? I'd pretty much forgotten it entirely, it was that much of a non-event for me. :trollestia:

"You must have sucked," Sprout said around a mouthful of nachos.

I see Sprout still hasn't learned tact. I...honestly don't know why I expected him to have, but yet here we are.

Needless to say, I took it as a challenge.

Honestly, I would've too. :rainbowlaugh:

SockPuppet
SockPuppet #8 · Mar 2nd, 2022 · · ·
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11169488
Whoops! Fixed the extra "lab!"

Thanks for the comment, and I love the Daring Do idea.

Flamewarrior02
Flamewarrior02 #9 · Mar 2nd, 2022 · · ·
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OK, so Zipp somehow revived Pinkie’s evil child through a nacho cheese machine, and he was defeated by eating him though nachos.

Yeah, that seems about accurate with what else I’ve read.

I think my favorite joke has to be Izzy’s below average subtlety. Even though Hitch should be dating Zipp, unless polygamy is a thing in Equestria now.

SockPuppet
SockPuppet #10 · Mar 3rd, 2022 · · ·
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11169517
Oh, I run the HitchZipp group. Izzy's just that oblivious.

Raugos
Raugos #11 · Mar 3rd, 2022 · · ·
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Our history books are full of famous liches. Trixie the Mad, Starlight the Brutal, Sunburst the Pussywhipped."

I was not prepared for this. Especially the third one's title. :rainbowlaugh:

Wind swirled and thunder crashed as Lich'il Cheese turned his red-eyes glare on Zipp. "How do you know so much about being an evil overlord?"

"I'm the crown princess," she said with a laugh. "I've studied government theory since I was six, and Marechiavelli's The Princess is one of the main texts."

"You aren't planning to be an evil queen, are you, Zipp?" Pipp said, her voice concerned. "Historically, evil queens tend to execute any other candidates for the throne..."

"Ripp Pipp," Izzy said, patting her on the head before burying her face into her nachos.

The dialogue is amazing. And I love your characterisation of Zipp here. :heart:

Flamewarrior02
Flamewarrior02 #12 · Mar 3rd, 2022 · · ·
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11169545
I’m going to assume this got her arrested at some point.

Damaged
Damaged #13 · Mar 3rd, 2022 · · ·
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11169545 Maybe Izzy is just trying to hook up with Hitch to get to Zipp to continue the 𝓘𝔃𝔃𝔂 𝓜𝓸𝓸𝓷𝓫𝓸𝔀 moment.

excessive.space/images/IzzyMoonbow.gif

SockPuppet
SockPuppet #15 · Mar 3rd, 2022 · · ·
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11169779
hashtag sequel hook...?


11169693
Thanks!

Heavyhauler75622
Heavyhauler75622 #17 · Mar 4th, 2022 · · ·
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11169545
Yeah, I put those two together myself...

Pipp doing sex recordings? Oh my stars...

Izzy is just...Izzy. Don't ask, it'll only confuse...

Good job!!

Heavyhauler75622
Heavyhauler75622 #18 · Mar 4th, 2022 · · ·
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11169488

"...but rather a cosplaying superfan in over her head..."

HIS head. Because Quibble Pants is Quibble Pants, and as retentive as he is, he would do this just to prove to somepony a particular obscure story point...

Scyphi
Scyphi #19 · Mar 4th, 2022 · · ·
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11170689
Ah, but the story's text makes it clear that it was a mare. So unless Quibble had a pretty extensive sex change at some point... :raritywink:

Heavyhauler75622
Heavyhauler75622 #20 · Mar 4th, 2022 · · ·
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11170693
Nah. All ya gotta do is know a Princess...
And you gotta REALLY pay attention to the pelvis if you want to know what the original equipment option was...

:twilightoops:

Scyphi
Scyphi #21 · Mar 4th, 2022 · · ·
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11170720
Right, the G5 ponies were going off of skeletal remains, so...either it was some other mare (or just Daring herself), or Quibble had one pretty extensive sex change at some point.

Which would probably be a bit of a story in of itself, honestly. :raritywink:

ComradeCheese
ComradeCheese #22 · Mar 9th, 2022 · · ·
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Boy did this story through me into a washer. That was just puniliscious :)

Clopian26
Clopian26 #23 · Jul 20th, 2022 · · ·
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"Nope, real," Izzy said. "Like, half the crystals in Bridlewood are phylacteries containing the soul of an ancient sorcerer or two. Why do you think 'magic' was such a bad word? Our history books are full of famous liches. Trixie the Mad, Starlight the Brutal, Sunburst the Pussywhipped."

Bru🙌

Bookwurm666
Bookwurm666 #24 · Aug 10th, 2023 · · ·
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The red eyes focused on Zipp. "I am Lich'il Cheese, undead dairymancer of doom, and I am a colt! And I'm looking for a prin cess , buddy."

is this the Child of Pinky pie and Cheese Sandwich?

"Trixie wasn't mad ," Lich'il Cheese corrected. "She was just a little special. And Starlight wasn't brutal, she was quite nice. And Sunburst... um..."

Okay you're not wrong about him.

"My stupid parents; both so famous! " Lich'il Cheese said. "I was an independent musician, traveling Equestria, and ponies were all like, 'We love your mom, Cheese!' Or, 'Your dad performed at my seventh birthday party, Cheese!' Or 'Why are your parents curated articles in Ponypedia, Cheese, and you're just a stub?' No one cared about my music! I was as mad as mozzarella on a masala!"

called it.

"Of course I picked it," Lich'il Cheese said, rolling his red glowing eyes, "but after I burned down the Royal Library, started a war with Griffonstone, and sang bawdy ballads about her big butt, Twilight banished me into it until I was kissed by a princess."

it was probably just for the library.

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