• Member Since 1st Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 17th, 2012

jacob.galvin


E

Celestia gives discord 24 hours to prove that his life still holds some value

Chapters (15)
Comments ( 83 )

HMM sounds good read later! :yay:

Seems good enough. Carry on. But do the signs " and ' mean anything to you? And spaces after commas and period most likely don't exist in your world either. Question: does this have anything to do with The Steadfast Sky or Of Harmony and Chaos? Or does it turn out that they were both in love?

Sounds like a great story, but the errors in writing are killing me. When a pony talks, use " ", and when you use a comma, put a space after the comma. It makes reading the story a lot easier when you do those things. But other than that, it looks really good. :rainbowwild:

I like the idea behind this story, but there are so many issues with grammar, formatting, punctuation, and spelling that it's difficult to actually read and understand the story as is.

You should get someone to edit your story. I'm part of a group, Proofreaders and People willing to proof-read, where you can post your story and get an editor for it to help you with issues like those I've listed above.

On a different subject, this story isn't going to be a Discord/Celestia ship, is it?

I like it.

For Story, im interested and want to see what happens next, exactly what a first chapter should do.

However, as other said, Punctuation. Spaces after commas and periods and use of " where apropriate would really improve readability.
Getting a proofreader as others suggested might be a good idea.

1275369
Getting aproofreader as others suggested might be a good idea.

Getting a proofreader as others suggested might be a good idea.

1275618
Corrected. Also forgive me if cant aford a proofreader for my comments right now, i always felt that was a luxury that wasnt entirely necessary.:pinkiehappy::pinkiecrazy:

1275676
I read that and started laughing, its all good bro.

:duck: good concept, but punctuation clearly needs to be worked on. "" and a new line for every speaker would help a lot. Example:

"Hey there!" Pinkie Pie said to Applejack, "are those apples for me?"

"They sure are," Applejack replied with a smile, handing over the apples.

"Great! They'll go great in my apple cinnamon cupcakes!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Follow this general format and your story will be much easier to read. :twilightsmile:

So how can i get someone to proofread my stories?

1276272 There's a group in existence that is full of proofreaders. Don't remember what it's called but don't ask me to do so.

An interesting chapter. I could proofread and edit/punctuate it for you if you like :twilightsmile:

I hope the future chapters will be longer than this.

Good, if a bit fast :twilightsmile:

Please check your private messages.

:derpytongue2: and Discord .. oh this is gonna be good ..

Great story so far. DERPY!! :derpyderp1: This is getting even better

Very good :pinkiecrazy:

Will edit later, probably after school.

Love Discord's rant on Diamond Tiara. He has a weird, yet hilarious sense of Justice.

hmhmhmhahahaha I love it when they make the little bitch suffer :pinkiecrazy:

The doctor is in

such a good story so far, please continue with as much haste as you can muster mister :pinkiehappy:

Loving it! The Doctor makes everything better!! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

“Look sir, as far as I know sultanas are a fruit, "
at that i lost it

:twilightoops: I smell a Pinkie Pie-Discord ship here :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

When I saw the romance tag i assumed it was a dislestia story, but now I might be wrong. The scene where Rainbow was beating Discord up was really emotional, keep up the good work. Also I don't care about punctuation unless its the one that shows dialog.

LMAO, why didn't i see that coming? GIEF MORE! :D

and with that ending you have earned my thumb

Question:Why do people write worse stories than mine, but get thousands more views?I'm not being an asshole, I genuinely don't understand. :derpyderp1:

CHOOSE SMALL DISCORD!!! While I loved the chaotic discord. Kind discord is amazing :rainbowkiss:

CHOOSE SMALL DISCORD!!! While I loved the chaotic discord. Kind discord is amazing :rainbowkiss:

I don't really like it when Discords turn pretty after a heel face turn, but at least he isn't an alicorn this time.

Also popularity is a strange formula of releasing your chapters at the right (busy) time of day, having an interesting description blurb, an eye catching splash graphic, chapter size (maybe, i dunno), getting in the featured box and getting in the popular stories box. Both of the last two depend on getting a lot of attention in a short amount of time which kind of depends on luck or how many people are jumping on the bandwagon to read the "popular story". At least that's my guess. I'd help but I only have one thumb and favorite to give and it's already been given.

um, the ending is weak. they suddenly go from hating and condemning him to at the very least not caring anymore. i just read through the series its pretty good overall, but this chapter ending is kinda sucky

1329611 There is one more chapter to go after this. Haven't you ever heard of an epilogue?

so this is the end of the story? with an epilogue after? not trying to be rude here but if you leave this chapter the way it is, it sucks.
unless you reveal something totally unexpected, because discord just kinda nearly destroyed the town. he should be pleading for them to believe he has changed and them ignoring it, because frankly, since he was uncovered by pinkie, pinkie was the only person he was niceish to(and the recipient believed him, i dont count twilight in this context)

oh goody one more chapter, its a shame the story is already ending. I was really enjoying this.

I edited the chapter so that they forgive him, are you whiny babies happy now?:trixieshiftright:

I'm disappointed in the ending. It was a great story, but the ending was bad. There should be more of a quarrel between discord and Luna. There wasn't any juice in this chapter. Discord became kind way too easily, the others forgave him instantly, and Luna didn't do much. It needs to be spiced up more

1330513 Maybe you didn't get the idea of this story,its about forgiveness.What would be the point of them fighting?Besides if they did fight in my story, Luna would die, is that what you want?

Woahw, that was brutal?.. :rainbowderp:

1330539 No I got the point. There can be fighting without dying. There's a fight between Discord and Luna. Discord purely in self defense, and pinkie gets very defensive. You could easily make this ending the same, but with more in it. Luna forgives Discord, The elements forgive Discord, and pinkie pie makes cupcakes with Discord. I don't want any pony to die, and the scenario I just gave you gives same ending with a more dramatic effect. And where was Celestia during this???

1331459 Are you not satisfied with the alternate ending I wrote? Also if your wondering where Celestia is, I could write a second alternate ending, where Discord kills her as well.Is that what you want?

1334168 I didn't want anypony to die... :facehoof: I feel like you are completely missing my point...I simply stated that you could have gotten the same ending by adding a few more things to juice it up...

1334382 I ended the story the way I wanted to.I wanted Discord to be accepted and become a good guy, and that's exactly how its going to stay. You could write your own ending if you want.

1334444...I have no problem that you ended it with him becoming a good guy. I wanted him to be a good guy too. What I was saying, is that he can still become the good guy, but I feel like it ended too suddenly. It's your story. But if you would like I could show you what I was meaning by it. I would still be using your ending, but it would have more added in there. It just ended too suddenly.

1334473 Yes please show me, and if I like what you write can i add it to the story?

Well this was a nice way to end the story. Is Discord still black, for some reason I can't pictured what he looked like?

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