• Member Since 22nd Sep, 2021
  • offline last seen Nov 22nd, 2022

CaravanColors


Sit back and and enjoy the show! ♥

T
Source

The Badlands, an area known for its unwelcoming and hostile environment, sits below Equestria. Although its environment is unfavorable for most ponies, here lies a refugee settlement aged by time. Chipbowl, once known as a refugee camp during and after the Great War, had been vibrant with instrumental potential. Years after the Gardens of Equestria, Chipbowl has transformed itself into a small-vibrant village for families of all species. As the environment isn’t and ideal area for the locals of Chipbowl to entertain themselves with, the residents had introduced themselves to the world of music. Genres such as bluegrass, blues, and jazz had gained popularity within the settlement; thanks to a popular duo named “Freebird”. The duo composed of Birdie, an earth pony, and Bassline, a gryphon. The duo had gained popularity in Chipbowl with their upbeat-blues-like style of music. However, as the years had passed, the duo fell into a rut.

The duo spent their whole lives revolving around the same ponies every day. Each performance the duo played; the same audience attended. The local bands and rivals the duo faced; unchanged. Every morning and night, the duo heard the same greeting; “good morning” and “goodnight”. The feeling of repetition had grown onto the duo. Their inspiration for writing and playing music slowly dwindled. However, hearing the stories of elders who had fled from Equestria to Chipbowl, had inspired them once again. There was a world outside of Chipbowl; an even bigger one that wasn’t surrounded by jagged rocks. Knowing very little about Equestria and what it may hold, the duo packed their instruments and traveled into the unknown. Living the life of experiencing no violence, conflict, or knowledge outside of Chipbowl had been a culture shock for the duo. With the dread of going back home, the duo has no choice but to face the wasteland.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 3 )

A short note before I dive in: The short description of this story is pretty good and caught my eye. The long description is a bit off-putting with how long it is though. In general, note that it should just elaborate a bit more on what the short description says. It shouldn't be longer than a short paragraph or two. (Not counting editor and cover artist credits and other small notes.)

EDIT: Finished reading the chapter, so here are some thoughts on it . All in all, the premise of a FoE story focusing on (soon to be) travelling musicians is interesting. Truth be told though, that's what I've already learned from the descriptions, so I'd expect to learn something more from the first chapter. Don't get me wrong, we got to see the town and the characters, but so far there's no real hook that'd make me eagerly await the next chapter or that'd give the audience a hint of the story's direction and driving conflict.

Regarding some more technical issues I've noticed, the most obvious and recurring one is punctuation in direct speech and the capitalisation of associated dialogue tags/beats. I'm not going to go in detail here, but I can give you some tips on how this should be handled if you wish. The rest of the issues that I've noticed (some missing punctuation, missing apostrophes, one slip into present tense in the very first paragraph, et cetera) seem to stem from inadvertence rather than your lack of skill. May consider getting an editor to weed these out in this one as well as the future chapters.

Furthermore, watch out for the large block-of-text paragraphs. They are unnecessary and oftentimes even incorrect (see the "one speaker, one paragraph" rule), and, most importantly, they are pretty hard on the eyes. These are also the ones where you like to dump a lot of information in rapid succession. The result is that your readers may have a hard time remembering the information or imagining how something looks (If it wasn't for the art at the end of the chapter, I'd have a hard time imagining how Birdie looks, which shouldn't happen. The art is great, but the story should function without it.), plus it takes away the atmosphere of the scene. I'm sure that the musical performance could have been great, if given more time and space in the story.

Thanks for the feedback! I'll keep an eye out for some of these issues for the next chapter

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Don't forget to click the '»' button on the comment you're respoding to if you want people to be notified of your response. :raritywink:

And you're welcome! :twilightsmile: Also note that fixing only the following chapters is not the best course of action. If the first chapter is faulty, then most readers won't stick around to see if the story improves later on. They'll instead wander off to read something else.

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