Where there's an Iron Will, there's an iron way.

by Merc the Jerk

Chapter 1

You are on your way to a land that is a living legend amongst your friends. Equestria. The land of love, tolerance, and, most importantly: The land of your love. The adorable, sensual Fluttershy. The sweet and docile pony of your captive human heart.

It was hard, finding out how to get to the land of your dreams. You had to pay a fortune to a Maharajah in order for the use of his personal wizard, but after a few incantations, a strange dust you inhaled, and a small cut across your engorged belly, you passed out, only to awaken in a bright and colorful train moving at a breakneck pace across lands you don't recognize. You glance down in excitement at the changes your body has gone through, only to find out that you still remain an overweight, balding man with acne. The other ponies aboard swivel around, glancing at you. You self consciously try and stretch your too short 'Foo Fighters' t-shirt over your girth, but the sound of it tearing slightly stops you from finishing the act.

“Hi!” the sound of a certain pony fills your ears, like melodious strings on a summers day.

“Pinkie Pie!” You gasp in surprise, salivating at the thought of hugging her.

“That's my name!” She giggled. “So, what are you?”

“A human!” you announce proudly, feeling as if you are the paragon of your species, and the shining example of a new species that will be welcome to Equestria with open ar—

“Oh! Another one?” Pinkie said, losing a bit of interest. “I thought you were something else—the last one looked different.”

“Last one?” you manage to stammer, the remains of a bean burrito gurgling in protest in your belly.

“Yeah! He was a human too—though he was a bit more,” she gestures up high above her head. “And a little less,” she extends her hooves to either side of her.

“What happened to him?”

“Oh! He married Princess Luna after he saved Equestria from Nightmare DisChrysalis. He's reigning King right now.” She breathed in deeply. “Good old Gary. He's so dreamy.”

You scowl. That sounds like the sort of thing your high school rival, Gary Stu, would do. Of all the rotten luck...

“From the way your scowling, it seems like you know him!” Pinkie suggests.

“Pinkie Sense?” you guess, believing it to be the only thing that makes sense.

“No, silly! Plot device!” She giggles. “Everypony needs a rival in a story like this!”

“Story?” you question. Of course! With her being a character from a show, everything must seem like a story to her.

“Yep!” Pinkie nods.

“Well, if it's a story, then I'll just work real hard and beat him! I'll take over what he's done and become King of Equ—” You start, only to be silenced by Pinkie giggling. “What's so funny?” you ask.

“You're on your way to beating him even now!” she said, bouncing enthusiastically.

“How so?” You're starting to have a bad feeling about this.

“This train is part of Iron Will's 'Lean, Green, but not really Mean' tour! It's filled to the brim with some of the toughest ponies this side of the Everfree!”

You spare another glance towards the rest of the buses crowd. Testosterone seems to leak from the entire group, bathing your less than noble physique in shame.

One in particular—a white pegasus with a buzz cut and biceps the size of watermelons—turns back and pumps his hoof at you. You politely wave back.

“YEEEEAH!” He exclaims loudly, veins in his neck standing out so far you're afraid he's going to rupture something. He turns back, sitting calmly.

“W-what's the tour composed of?” you manage to stammer, turning back to where the pink pony was but moments before.

She has vanished without a trace. If that wasn't Pinkie Pie doing that, you'd be pretty upset.

000

The train travels for hours across rolling plains, through arctic tundra, and across lava filled crevices. You never realized how close everything was in the show.

It's near nighttime when you finally get to your destination. The train makes a slow, meandering stop, and the passengers leave single file out the doors. You search for your luggage, only to remember that you don't have any. Teleportation is a really disorienting thing for you.

You blindly follow the ponies across the fields, sweating the whole time. Not because you're nervous, but because your heart is palpitating from the walk.

Regardless, you manage to make your way to where everypony else has stopped. As you wipe the sweat from your brow and try to ignore your funk-filled body order, you notice a strange sight. There, in the center of a field, is a football stadium decked out in the Denver Bronco's colors. You ponder that for a moment, but decide to let it go. Considering you're in a land of magical talking ponies, them having the same colors for a football time seems like a pretty moot point.

In the center of the field is a small platform, where Iron Will is singing what you're guessing is the Equestrian national anthem, judging by everypony else putting their hoof over their heart. You quickly follow their lead and listen to the music.

It sounds surprisingly Marxist.

After the music dies down, the muscle bound minotaur himself leaps from the platform, landing gracefully onto the grass amid a cheering throng of ponies.

“YEEEEAH!” the white pegasus you met on the train exclaims once more.

“Mares and Colts! This is Iron Will, giving you a big, hearty thank you to all that have come to attend this grueling, painful decathlon!”

Your chest throbs in agony at the word decathlon, you try to knead it with your doughy hands in an attempt to sooth it, but to no avail.
You collapse to the ground amid frantic gasps from the crowd, and slip into unconsciousness.

000

You awaken in a hospital bed. Various machinery lines the walls, and an incessant, mechanical beeping is heard.

“Oh! You're awake!” The strong voice of Iron Will says, relief evident in his tone. “I'm so sorry. I know when ponies meet me for the first time they can get a bit dizzy, but I've never had anyone have four simultaneous heart attacks in a row before!”

You try to say that's not what caused it, but the only thing you can utter is a single long, desperate groan.

He mistakes what you were groaning about, and a slow, flirtatious smile crosses his face.
“Now...” he quietly says, lowering his voice and casting a few quick glances around the sterile room. He reaches for the door, and with one small twist, he locks it. “Iron Will thinks he owes you something for that incident, and...” He licks his lips. “Iron Will doesn't take no for an answer. Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back.”

You try to scream, but the only thing you can do in your drugged state is shake your head in a slow, pleading no.

Unfortunately, for a minotaur, no means Yes. Celestia yes.
You moan, your flabby body not ready for the four hundred pounds of pure, flank kicking muscle about to dock on top of you.

“When somepony's in a bed that's tucked, that's the perfect time for you to buck!” he bellows, leaping onto your folds of girth and shaking the bed from the impact.

000

Several painful, arduous hours later, Iron Will finishes. He puffs on a cigarette as his strong arms bring you close to him.

“What you think? Iron Will has more than a few parts made of steel—wouldn't you agree?” The minotaur adjusts his tie.

You let out a slow, agonizing groan, reminiscent of the noise a beached whale might make.

“Another satisfied customer.” He smirks, putting out the last remaining embers of his smoke on his wrist.

Pinkie Pie burst into the room with a well placed kick at the door. She snapped her neck towards you and pointed at a newspaper she held in her hands. “Did you hear the news about Fluttershy?”

You try to explain that you never told her about your aspirations to engage in carnal activities with her friend, so her point blank asking you about her seems pointless and a simple way to end a story that should have never existed in the first place. Unfortunately, due to the raw agony you're feeling, the point is lost. All you're able to do is utter another unintelligible grunt.

“Yeah! A red and black alicorn proposed to her the other day! They only knew each other for a few hours, but I know those kids are gonna be sooo happy together!” She beamed.

You frown grimly, your face obviously expressing your rage at the situation. In the limited time you've been in Equestria you've evolved past it being a simple lust for her body, so maybe this news is just a sign to let it go...

Besides, you have the feeling you could always try for Twilight.

Before you can attempt to do, well, anything, Iron Will catches your displeasure at the situation. “Don't worry babe, you got the Iron Will for those lonely nights!” He winked, giving your forehead a loving kiss.

And with that news, you can't help yourself. You cradle into a fat ball and weep.

-----------------------------------------------

AN: My contribution to the wonderful and magic filled world of 2nd person fics. Now we are all sons of bitches.

Comments

[KartalTheWriter]

Why complete so soon? Are you sure this can't go farther?

[Merc the Jerk]

1274073

You're right. I could spend several chapters discussing Iron Will's emotions after his torrid love affair.

[ihaveofficiallyretired]

Oh god, this was brilliant.

[ManlyDerp]

My head is now full of buck. Thanks. Just... thanks.

[Apophis]

My god.

[shiningdark]

Curses, my long-time rival, Gary OakStu strikes again!

Also, four simultaneous heart attacks? Can you do that? Can you infarct four times?

I forsee a several-month montage of him attending various Iron Will seminars, working out with the appropriate humor, something about the red/black alicorn and Fluttershy having a falling out (maybe with some typical HiE drama, like him eating meat, or being too awesome for Fluttershy, or something), some external force driving Fluttershy and Main Character together, but at the last moment, he realizes his unrequited love for Iron Will. Followed shortly by Gary Stu returning to Ponyville and drawing the Mane 6 into his harem.

[DoktorK3]

Whoops, it happened. My brain broke.

[Spectre_Crystaleye]

Thank you for my Morning Lulz!

[Peregrine Caged]

Told you, Merc. I told you dog! OK, so maybe it's not going to hit Featured like we hoped, but still--boom, success.

1274240
But why would you want to?

1274634
Oh that sounds far too reasonable. Gotta spice it up a bit.

1274437
Merc continues to be a genius, as ever. The stuff we get up to at 1 in the morning.

[Merc the Jerk]

1275387

It got on the list of popular fics, which I call a moral victory.

[Peregrine Caged]

1275397
Hahahah. Hear hear.

[kamulec123]

1.bp.blogspot.com/-MPbnmyOiCxg/TYHjdgK78yI/AAAAAAAAAPM/frAw7rLhHZA/s1600/brilliant.jpg

[CanterlotGuardian]

This was honestly incredible. Well done.

[Deduder]

Wut.

[Woorali]

Having read this, I have only one question:
What does Marxism sound like?

[Merc the Jerk]

1792861

[Woorali]

1792917 Marx would totally disapprove of that musical choice! Thanks for the lols and the story!

[TheaOchiMati]

Heh, well that was a fun read Great parody. I've stayed away from HiE stories for most of those reasons.

[Merc the Jerk]

1818862

2nd person fics are a nightmare and a half to read, let alone write, even in parody.

[Honeycomb]

Didn't see the minotaur rape coming. That wrung a good laugh from me. Some of the other jokes bounced right off though.

[Louisaro]

Getting raped by Iron Will instead of making sweet love with Fluttershy ? That's what you get when you let a wizzard use some "dust" on you.
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