CANCELLED AND BEING REWRITTEN HERE: REWRITE
Sunset, instead of fleeing to another dimension, talked it out with Celestia and decided to stay in Equestria. As she continues her studies, Celestia gets a new student.
A young purple prodigy, Twilight Sparkle!
Celestia tasks her with taking care of the young filly, which she is not too keen about. All Sunset wants to do is study magic with Celestia. What kind of scenarios are these two young unicorns going to get into?
Rated "Teen" because of themes, language, and a bit of violence. Sex tag because of raunchy/steamy innuendos. Violence tag because of light descriptions of violence and injuries.
Chapters (16)
Alright, good beginning, now to see where the story goes.
Lol, what an appropriate title! Certainly an interesting idea and while Sunset seemed a little...calmer than I'd have imagined, you seem to have a good handle on their personalities. I'm hopeful for this story so far.
Feels am little bare bones
Ahhh there we are little more meat on them bones, this scenario is such a good writing prompt and so far you doing well. You can break up the long sections of dialogue by describing a little bit of facial expressions and got language. And maybe short descriptions of what characters look like,just a bit for new characters don't need to tell us what characters we know look like. I always make that suggestion, that we get a little bit more description, it's not the easiest to describe enough but not get bogged down in unnecessary details but it's worth it. Hope you keep going with this.
FOR SCIENCE
How can a dirt path be paved? Shouldn't it just be well maintained? Also, how would ANY stuck up noble in Canterlot allow a DIRT path to exist to sully their or their child's hooves?
11154934
Now really thinking back on it, why would there be a dirt path leading to the castle? That is my mistake, thanks for pointing it out!
Whoops! I'll be sure to fix that
11154518
ANYTHING FOR SCIENCE!
11154276
That's what I was thinking to. She seemed a little more calm when I was writing her, but I'll be sure to add some spice to her
11154473
Thank you for the feedback! I always struggled with descriptions. I either made them too long or too short, so I'm still trying to find that middle ground. I'll keep this in mind while I write.
11154462
Agreed. This could use a bit more descriptors, some dialogue needs to be added. It’s a good story, but choppy.
Are we going to see Sunset interact with Cadence or Blueblood anytime soon? I really want to see their dainamic with one another.
Its a interesting story. Goodluck keeping that way.
11160630
I have something planned out for them
I’m enjoying this, quite a lot. I’m just a little curious if we’ll be seeing any of the typical Sunset personality traits: pride, impatience, anger. Especially anger. Even at her best, canon Sunset could easily be described as wrathful.
On the technical side of things, the writing is fine; no glaring flaws to speak of. I can’t say it’s particularly artful, but that could also be said for some of the best and most successful professional fiction authors.
11162404
I hope we get a less snobby BB. I’ve always liked the idea that the only reason he was so terrible at the Gala (at the Gala) was because Rarity was being a bit of a gold-digger. That said, one shouldn’t change their story to suit reader expectations.
11164225
Thank you for the comment! I do want to try and include Sunset's anger as I too believe that it is one of her main traits. The problem is I haven't written anger as an emotion in such a long time so I'm trying to read up on it first and study it in other writings.
I'm glad you're enjoying it and there aren't any glaring flaws as you say. I like where the story is going and the way I'm writing it so it'll probably stay in the style the whole time.
11164227
I'm glad you mentioned not changing their story to suit their readers because I got into an argument about that before.
Also, we'll see in a couple chapters as I planned to introduce Cadence and Blueblood sometime soon. Stay tuned.
11166747
Truthfully I see Sunset as more frustrated than angry though anger will come ... she thinks that she's doing better than she is and that's leading into a round of being frustrated for the slowing of learning (forgeting that the slowing is due to those sparks that shouldn't be there) ...Of course, if this may depend on how Twilight is doing in similar circumstances (jealousy acceleration) ...
That got an insanely good laugh out of me 🤣
11177348
It's awesome to hear that! I chuckled a bit myself when writing it
Is there an age restriction to these duels? Cuz honestly, with how they go and the mild injuries that can happen, I feel there should be. Sunset? Fine since she seems of age. Twilight? She may be brilliant, but her body may need to be suitable.
(Then again, if Harry Potter learned how to duel at the age of 12 in Chamber of Secrets, then...)
11178062
Near the beginning of the chapter it says that, regardless of age, anypony can participate in duels. This is as long as they have consent from their parent or guardian.
It may seem a little unethical to let children participate in the duels, but that's why they need consent. If they don't and then they can simply not participate. If they SOMEHOW cheated the system and fought, there would be severe consequences (probably expulsion) if they were ever found out.
11178090
Heh, must've skimmed over that with all the excitement
Duels are fun (to watch at least).
11177520
That’s when you know it’s gonna be good!
Just to get it out of the way ...
11178206
What a wild chapter, it was pretty awesome tho
and the fight scene was well written and clear 
I'm liking this story, thank you for writing it
11183233
Glad to hear you like it!
I love writing this story so your comment means a lot to me.
11183296
Well you're doing a great job!
Also, if you like Sunset-centric stories you may want to consider checking out mine: Frozen Hearth.
It's about a Sunset who returns to Equestria for Hearth's Warming and has a comedic tone.
Twilight is a little bundle of pure adorable joy at the end.
So, the school gets most of its money from bets on kiddie bloodsports. Yikes. Is the education budget really that small? (Wait, it's a school, of course it is.)
Oh boy! Roleplaying!
11191760
Cool story. Added to my read list.
As a Dnd player, I love this chapter, you got the group energy right, with the playful jabs and tangents. Really great great chapter
11193045
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter!
I played a bit of DnD before and that's what we did as well. Playful jabs are quite common for my friend group. Sometimes it takes us hours just to get through a couple scenarios because we start going onto tangents as well!
That was a fun session. Kinda want to see what happens next.
Just for consistency, you might want to go through and change any "Gleaming Shield"s to "Gleaming Hope"
11198810
I didn’t notice some were still left! Thanks you, I’ll be sure to go back and change them.
11198696
Don’t worry, they still have a lot to do! Maybe I could turn it into a spin-off of my AU but that’s up to you folks!
it felt like generic fantasy novel from royalroad with commentary
11199496
Haha that’s okay, I don’t mind it being generic. Fantasy isn’t a genre I write a lot of to be honest, but I wanted to try some new things with both this story and the O&O chapter.
Is there anything I could do to improve for future stories? Let me know!
11199818
i can only give you examples of good jfanrasy novels that bring in something fresh and unique and don't alienate existing fans of the genre.
many of my favorites have 'great writing' as their main selling points.
even with the plot so convolute and full of bullshits, good action and pacing with carefully nudge readers without crossing their comfort zone can do wonders.
https://www.novelupdates.com/series/a-wild-last-boss-appeared/
a novel with absolute trash power balance, magic system, and generic world-building and characters development being carried by a constant string of great comedies.
https://www.novelupdates.com/series/to-be-a-power-in-the-shadows/
pretty niche ones, it's naruto fanfic. its plot is not that much different than most edgy naruto oc fanfic out there. but this thing is not only beautifully written, but it is also able to manipulate readers' feelings to a certain without making them feel too exhausted.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/41004/si-vis-pacem-para-bellum--naruto-fanfic/
11199905
Thank you for the links! I'm always trying to improve my writing so anything helps.
I’m not typically an RPG kind of guy, but this had me hooked! Great job
11203319
I'm glad to hear it!
My goodness, young Twilight sounds like she has the potential to become a regular holy terror, lol. Yes please, keep writing when you can, but we your readers understand that work comes first, just update us when it's convenient.
I think Sunset would be a teenager like 12 or 13? That’s what I’m getting at from the story so far but she definitely wasn’t filly size in the canon comic.
I definitely like seeing Sunset being Twilight’s mentor and like a big sister as well? Always seen that between them
Kind of wish Sunburst won there since it’s Sunsets first duel. But it definitely was a cool duel to read. I wonder if you’ll add Starlight since this story has a Alternative tag which Starlight definitely is a challenger to face.