• Member Since 15th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 30th, 2019

Evening Storm


T

Twilight and her friends receive invitations to a new center in Canterlot. The center is supposed to help the ponies with everyday activities like weather patrol and telekinesis but it didn't work out how everyone thought it would.


Rated teen for gore
If required I will change it to Mature

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 43 )

Remember if you have any questions feel free to ask. I'll do my best when answering.
Also I would appreciate it if you could tell anything I can improve on.
And if your a flamer don't comment, I take it very seriously and I will report you.
However if there is something you don't like your free to say so.

Interesting, but I noticed a few things. First a few misspellings but nothing too bad. Second when you switch to a different pony who is talking press enter so their dialogue doesn't end up with the other characters. Not much else keep working at it.

-BH

This is my very first fic
so please go easy on me.
However I'm always up for some constructive criticism

People won't go easy on you if you post that. They'll be harsher, so you don't develop bad writing habits for the future. I, for one, would write the most critical review possible if I had time.

1639150

if I had time.

Unfortunately, I set tonight aside for finishing a chapter of my own work. SOrry.

Hmm, did you get permission to use characters? Because that can be a pretty sore spot to some authors. Especially since Cold Steel doesn't know anything about this when I'm talking to him on Skype with the rest of the TWE.

OK. So. First of all how to properly format a story.

The offender untangled herself from the up-turned cart. Not surprisingly, the blur was Ditzy. She looked around at the mess and blushed sheepishly. "Oh, I'm sorry Applejack," the mare told her, looking down at the ground.
Applejack sighed. "It's quite alright, Miss Ditzy, it was an accident. Anyway, how may Ah help ya today?"
"A letter from Canterlot for you," Ditzy said as she retrieved the letter for Applejack. "Thank ya kindly Miss Ditzy," Applejack said, taking the letter. Ditzy then flew off to complete her mail route.
"Well, AJ, what does it say?" Twilight asked.

The offender untangled herself from the up-turned cart. Not surprisingly, the blur was Ditzy. She looked around at the mess and blushed sheepishly, "Oh, I'm sorry Applejack," the mare told her, looking down at the ground.

Applejack sighed, "It's quite alright, Miss Ditzy, it was an accident. Anyway, how may Ah help ya today?"

"A letter from Canterlot for you," Ditzy said as she retrieved the letter for Applejack.

"Thank ya kindly Miss Ditzy," Applejack said, taking the letter. Ditzy then flew off to complete her mail route.

"Well, AJ, what does it say?" Twilight asked.

Ok. Good that you didn't use periods at the end of the quotations when you didn't need to. But spacing is your real issue. Right now it looks too cluttered.

At least in that little section. In other parts you do make the error of using a period when there are words after the quotations.

Next, also dealing with your quotations, is your punctuations.

“That’s even better! Oh I can’t wait, it's going to be so exciting, and it's even better knowing that all of my friends are going too!!!"

One does not use more than one exclamation mark. It just looks unprofessional.

1639201 It appears that 1639198 said most of what I'd have said anyway.

1639198 Heh sorry and i meant to change that. Cold Steel comes from my friend The Fallen Writer

1639221
Ah. I remember him. Has a grudge against the TWE because we were harsh when we reviewed his fics.

Just a pointer but get the creator of the OC's permission before using them.

1639249 already did and sorry about him he really does mean well

1639258
I know he probably means well.

1639267 he just doesnt like mean people. I have no problem with the TWE in general however i think a few of the members need kicked out

1639298
Eh. There's three hundred people in it. The approved reviewers are good, sure some are a bit harsh. Like Evil Homer. But if you do get past the bile he is one of the best out there.

1639312 eh i cant stand him but im sure if he toned down the insults everything would be better. I mean look you told me what to fix without being a total ass so why not the others?:twilightsheepish::pinkiehappy:

Warning you now. I know nothing about those OC's so when I review this, I'll be doing it based on how you portray those OC's. Now I'll get back to this a litte later, just wanted to give you a heads up.

1639542 ok the OCs dont pour in until chapter 1 though

s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/misspelling/your.png
No need to tell us this is one of your first literary forays; that much is obvious.

1640262
And you disliked because of that?

And why can't any one of them see that they're trotting straight into an obvious trap?

1640347 Because they are all to excited to go they dont think about it

1639249 Sorry to but in, but I have no grudges with the TWE. In fact like 90% of the members in the Underground are TWE. I simply only disagree with how some members presented their advice to the authors. No grudges, and no ill to the TWE, only a simple difference in perspective that's all. :pinkiehappy: He also has full permission to my OC's.



1640517 Dude, if I couldn't stand mean people I wouldn't live with my family. :facehoof: Classic way to piss me off. False, and inaccurate assumptions about me.

1640753 and i am right you do hate mean people you just put up with your family

and was it worth the wait

1640769 :facehoof: Uuuuugggh. Never mind, I try to tell somepony something, and they ignore it. Yet another thing that pisses me off to no end .

Try double spacing the paragraphs. It removes the clutter that they mentioned above.

1640262
As his editor, you have no idea how much I had to say that.
1640769
Please tell me you got someone to review that last bit you sent to me. And sorry I couldn't go over it for you; on trip, and wi-fi flickers on and off.

2D

Some good, some bad...

Not too sure about this, I will read
future updates to get a collective opinion.

For now, make it longer

Ed

1652081 I agree with you on this one I'll wait till around chapter 3 before I sick the wolves of the underground on it. :rainbowwild: Man taking a small breather really helps. It sucks you had to deal with me when I'm loosing it. By the way hows your story and song goin for ya? :heart::heart:

1640769 Try to get more chapters submitted before we die of old age please.

Double space! loose multiple exclamation marks! Sorry, but what is the point in us even doing this if you don't even fix the errors we point out?:rainbowhuh:

Ooh, This could be interesting! I hope you'll finish this.(If you need an editor, I'm one!)

4182514 heh i was planning on sending it into the trash bin. I have several chapters written but i need new OCs to put in it, and the drive to actually type it

4182650 I could help with all of that!!!!

4182669 heh awesome. i guess we are partners. ill need to make some changes then.

4182679 Well I wont be using Solace and Remorse anymore and I needed to change it back to incomplete. Plus now I need three more OCs. (one won't be a canon thing. it involves being a brother to a different OC)

4182696 Okay... I can help with the OC's. I could even make them.(I make new one's all the time:twilightblush:)

4182700 that would be perfect. I will look back at the story at some point today and tell you what types of ponies I need K?

4182721 the first trial though is... a bit stupid though

4182724 If you say so...(don't worry. I don't judge.(most of the time))

4182731 oh just wait till you find out what it is...

this story will most likely not continue

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