• Member Since 1st Feb, 2022
  • offline last seen Yesterday

GoldenVO


Look on my Horse Words, ye Mighty, and despair! Hoping to make a tiny AU built off micro stories I come up with in the shower.

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Source

BonBon (and many other residents of Equestria) have gone missing without a trace. Lyra, along with with a rag-tag group of ponies go off in search on answers. The long train rides gives a pony time to think, for better or worse.

Cover art commissoned for use with this this story from: DigiSketchPad

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 3 )

This is a nice little story you've got here. Interesting premise making use of the Special Agent Sweetie Drops thing, with a dash of romance to get the audience emotionally invested. I'm a bit confused about the premise stated in your description though, since the actual story doesn't seem to focus on that. Given that you have this marked as "complete", I'd assume you don't plan on expanding on that further either, which makes me wonder why you even mentioned that stuff. You could have easily removed the frame story and kept the flashbacks, and you still would have had a good story.

Aside from that, you had quite a few mechanical errors throughout that were borderline distracting. I realize this is your first story, but you should really make an effort to iron out little things like that going forward. I'd recommend reading the fimfiction writing guide if you need help with that.

A very interesting take on what they did with bon bon.

Had to chuckle how Lyra does not mind the scar

11232026
Hey. First of all thanks for reading and commenting. I was playing with the overarching story for a while in my head and on draft but decided not to focus on it here. You're right the framing story is kinda superfluous. Though for this I kept it in purely cause I like the growing resolve she gains from those memories. However you're right it could have been handled way way better.

In regards to the mechanical errors, it has been a long long time since school now lmao. I figured I would miss some mistakes but not ones that would impact the reading so much. This was written without the assitance of an editor, only myself scanning it 5 or so times after completion. I've read though the guide as suggested and thank you for that, I'll give it one more pass in the following days and will try and avoid such mistakes in the future; as well as hire an editor. Thanks, again, for reading though and giving some advice.

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