I do hereby claim this first post in the name of me, Lord Overstallion Doomande Von Asshat the first of the Wasteland and Doomandelonien... And with that out of the way, wow!
Dude... I am really digging this. In many other stories do the writers often go a technically way, even with zebras when they want to turn the danger knob up a notch, but you do the right thing. You find that little element that are fitting to the setting, where we are in the world, and what it is known for. What am I talking about? "Dark" magic, and boy do I love it.
It is really awesome when yourself as a reader can feel icky over a monster, or really get to the edge of your seat because of a little doll. (And dude please oh please don´t do anything like that with porcelain dolls! It is already creepy enough as it is.) In many other stories can you see and feel the steampunkish atmosphere, but here is it magic that rules, and it should also be like that in a Fo:E story if you ask me, especially when we are talking zebras. I do just hope that there is other writers that read your story and take that to their hearts.
I think overall that I just is a bit amazed over the grip and control I can feel over your story at this point. It is like you know the core of it better than many other writers. Showing small character details that makes up the whole, instead of showing the whole and then make details. I can´t really explain it, but you rose a grade as a writer with that flashback to Shayles foalhood.
Oh and as a last thing... If you are taking wishes that is. Please oh please write a golem! It would be so fitting with the lore behind them, and with what we know about the zebras, and I have not seen any golems in Fo:E yet, so please oh please be the first one to make one, because if there is one that would get them right in their first try do I think that it is you.
Nitpicks "Shaman" Should your s in sharman not be lowercase? Or have I missed something? "Baby" Should it not be foal instead? Or is it just me that is trying to ponyfy to much here? " Well, I didn’t used to" I think you want a use here instead of used "a voice gurgled before the blade slammed through the wood again. Crackly laughter filled the air again." You have two agains rather close to each other, don´t know if you want to change one of them "Even though I had already been trying for a week to finish my latest project and was on my eight piece of paper" Are you not missing a h on that eight?
2445244 Thanks Doomande, I'm glad you enjoyed it! And thank you for the comments about my use of "dark" magic in the story. I know some stories have used a little before, but I haven't seen a lot of it around, and honestly the way the zebras have been described in the lore of FoE makes me think they would tend to use it at least a little, so I'm trying to add more. Plus, keeping with the tradition of New Oatleans I had to add in something reminiscent of Voodoo or Hoodoo, I would feel so wrong otherwise.
And thanks a bunch for the comment on character development, I was a little worried that I wasn't doing it right when I realized that next to nothing is known about the pasts of some characters (like Seer), so it's great to hear that it's working .
And as usual, thank you for the nitpicks. Shaman I tend to capitalize because I've always seen it as a title, such as calling someone Doctor instead of their name. I probably have it wrong in a few places though, so I'll go check. I used 'baby' instead of 'foal' because technically it still works, and I think Pinkie used it during the episode with the Cake twins. It just sounded more like something a little Shayle would say
Thank you so much again, I love seeing this feedback! And I'll see what I can do about a golem lol
Well, that was unexpected. You were dropping hints on it for a bit, but I wouldn't have guess that's what you were planning. Questions remain, will this revelation give them all the impetus to change things?
So Seer is dead now eh? Make Felix understand what it means to die to save someone?
Something that just hit me. Since Felix are a main character, and we see the world from his perspective to that degree that we does, should he not also level up then?
I can understand that he wasn´t mentioned to start with, but now are he just a big main character that Shayle are, even gotten a bit more focus and screen time the last chapters.
Maybe is this food to thought, don´t know if it is important, just found it a bit weird.
Edit: Now that I look at the chapters again... forget what I said I can see that Felix gets a perk now and then.
I nodded and started to look away before I noticed something. Just before the door closed, I caught a glimpse of Minx’s glyph; something I hadn’t even bothered to care about before.
A pair of thick, curving lines that hooked over one another to form a heart.
Someone gonna pick up that phone? Because I called it!
Damn, Seer. Hope she's not just gone like that... ah well, if she is, Felix learns about what self-sacrifice can do to those around you. Admittedly, hers was necessary to save him, but he rushed in needlessly and without thinking.
Still digging the hell out of this story, even if life stuff is getting in the way of binge-reading all the way through. You really do know how to pace a story properly.
I do hereby claim this first post in the name of me, Lord Overstallion Doomande Von Asshat the first of the Wasteland and Doomandelonien... And with that out of the way, wow!
Dude... I am really digging this. In many other stories do the writers often go a technically way, even with zebras when they want to turn the danger knob up a notch, but you do the right thing. You find that little element that are fitting to the setting, where we are in the world, and what it is known for. What am I talking about? "Dark" magic, and boy do I love it.
It is really awesome when yourself as a reader can feel icky over a monster, or really get to the edge of your seat because of a little doll. (And dude please oh please don´t do anything like that with porcelain dolls! It is already creepy enough as it is.)
In many other stories can you see and feel the steampunkish atmosphere, but here is it magic that rules, and it should also be like that in a Fo:E story if you ask me, especially when we are talking zebras. I do just hope that there is other writers that read your story and take that to their hearts.
I think overall that I just is a bit amazed over the grip and control I can feel over your story at this point. It is like you know the core of it better than many other writers. Showing small character details that makes up the whole, instead of showing the whole and then make details. I can´t really explain it, but you rose a grade as a writer with that flashback to Shayles foalhood.
Oh and as a last thing... If you are taking wishes that is. Please oh please write a golem! It would be so fitting with the lore behind them, and with what we know about the zebras, and I have not seen any golems in Fo:E yet, so please oh please be the first one to make one, because if there is one that would get them right in their first try do I think that it is you.
Nitpicks
"Shaman" Should your s in sharman not be lowercase? Or have I missed something?
"Baby" Should it not be foal instead? Or is it just me that is trying to ponyfy to much here?
" Well, I didn’t used to" I think you want a use here instead of used
"a voice gurgled before the blade slammed through the wood again. Crackly laughter filled the air again." You have two agains rather close to each other, don´t know if you want to change one of them
"Even though I had already been trying for a week to finish my latest project and was on my eight piece of paper" Are you not missing a h on that eight?
2445244
Thanks Doomande, I'm glad you enjoyed it! And thank you for the comments about my use of "dark" magic in the story. I know some stories have used a little before, but I haven't seen a lot of it around, and honestly the way the zebras have been described in the lore of FoE makes me think they would tend to use it at least a little, so I'm trying to add more.
Plus, keeping with the tradition of New Oatleans I had to add in something reminiscent of Voodoo or Hoodoo, I would feel so wrong otherwise.
And thanks a bunch for the comment on character development, I was a little worried that I wasn't doing it right when I realized that next to nothing is known about the pasts of some characters (like Seer), so it's great to hear that it's working .
And as usual, thank you for the nitpicks. Shaman I tend to capitalize because I've always seen it as a title, such as calling someone Doctor instead of their name. I probably have it wrong in a few places though, so I'll go check. I used 'baby' instead of 'foal' because technically it still works, and I think Pinkie used it during the episode with the Cake twins. It just sounded more like something a little Shayle would say
Thank you so much again, I love seeing this feedback! And I'll see what I can do about a golem lol
Well, that was unexpected. You were dropping hints on it for a bit, but I wouldn't have guess that's what you were planning. Questions remain, will this revelation give them all the impetus to change things?
So Seer is dead now eh? Make Felix understand what it means to die to save someone?
Something that just hit me. Since Felix are a main character, and we see the world from his perspective to that degree that we does, should he not also level up then?
I can understand that he wasn´t mentioned to start with, but now are he just a big main character that Shayle are, even gotten a bit more focus and screen time the last chapters.
Maybe is this food to thought, don´t know if it is important, just found it a bit weird.
Edit:
Now that I look at the chapters again... forget what I said I can see that Felix gets a perk now and then.
2475292
Yeah, I was going to level him at the end of the chapter, but looking back at it he really didn't do that much. So yeah, sorry about that.
2476319
Hey no need to apology, it was me that was to fast on the trigger, needing the info to make this little thing .
2476327
WHEEEE! THAT'S AWESOME! Thanks so much!
2476390
I take it that you like it then... Oh and 2 comments to late, but still valid:
I knew it. I bloody knew it...
Wait, I'm lost. Minx's glyph, what does it mean? I feel so stupid, everybody else got it right away
2870570. Her mothers glyph was the same
Du dum DUM!!!!!
Sorry couldn't help it...
Thank you for your existence ^_^
Someone gonna pick up that phone? Because I called it!
Damn, Seer. Hope she's not just gone like that... ah well, if she is, Felix learns about what self-sacrifice can do to those around you. Admittedly, hers was necessary to save him, but he rushed in needlessly and without thinking.
Still digging the hell out of this story, even if life stuff is getting in the way of binge-reading all the way through. You really do know how to pace a story properly.