And chapter 11 is here. I'm very sorry about how long it took, and that I will be out of it again for a while after this chapter due to school work and life stuff, but I hope it's still enjoyable to everyone.
Another really really good chapter Camo. If there is one that can describe the sneaky stealthy way of a zebra is it you. And I think that that is one of the strongest forces with this story.
This is not just ponies with stripes and some fancy ways to battle. No this is the masters of stealth, a race that is build around a whole other honor system and a warrior people. I have sadly not read many zebra stories, so this is maybe a little hollow, but I think your picture of the zebras are the best one that I have ever read, and I would wish that I can do something like that when I take up another race in my story and focus a little on them.
But now a little sore thing in the room... Equines does not have bucks, neither ponies nor zebras. It is maybe Kkats biggest mistake, but there is no such thing, look it up on the interweb if you don´t believe me. I don´t know if you want keeping using it, so far I can see is "buck" an accepted term in the Fo:E world, but for outsiders would it still be wrong, and you use it rather often in this chapter
I am really really glad that I am also mentioned in this chapter, it warms my heart when I see that my gifts are so well received. There is just sadly not really any scene yet that I really want to throw money after... Or well the Sandy scene would be rather cute, with them all sitting around the table ready to eat with the giant Shayle towering over them... Ohh ideas, but no promises.
And one last thin "hoping that I remembered all of Dad’s classes about how to shoot." I know that it is a really big nitpick, but would lessons not be better here than classes?
Hm, so this strange one hasn't got any stripes on him? Immediately my mind says "pony" though that's a bit obvious. Surely it's something more unusual but still something that would fit in like he's an albino or something to that effect. Still, it could be the simplest answer is the correct one here and he's actually a pony raised by zebras all his life, trained to think and act like a zebra and thus has such undying dedication and admiration for the zebra cause that Xion was impressed by him and allows him in his squad. Might also explain why he doesn't talk. I mean, rather than talking and sounding like a pony, perhaps he doesn't talk and... well, if I'm wrong and he is an albino zebra or something, this is all useless anyway but I'm guessing you'll get a laugh out of it all the same so yeah, leaving it in here. (For the record, the proper term for that would be quisling, named after Vidkun Quisling, a Norwegian man who assisted the Nazi's in their takeover so he could gain power. He was so pro-nazi that he even outlasted a lot of Germans in undying respect for the furher. Little history lesson there!) Pale blue eyes eh? That rules out albino. Pony?
So, he -can- speak, but speaks quickly? I'll continue to think he's a pony and his quickness in speech is to try hide that as much as possible. The longer he spends on any note the more time anyone has to notice his voice is any different (if it is at all.)
Xion decides whose on the team? Well that only reinforces my previous statement about how if silent guy was a pony but bred to be loyal to zebras that he could have possibly been accepted by him for it despite that. (Or perhaps, even for it.)
Nothing more to say about Solus or the bar scene... moving on. Just read the bit about Minx, Shayle is talking about how hard it is to get to sleep. Just writing this down so you have some idea where I'm at.
Took me a second there, but I'm guessing this is moving onto Minx. Makes the most sense seeing as we don't know where she went off to and the whole shimmering / hood thing. Wall of hatred... yeah, I'm definitely going to go Minx. ...Or not. So, if it's Shayle, it's a dream. Huh. Interesting dream sequence, though seems a little too realistic feeling / detailed for a dream, though that could just be me. I mean, true, we all have dreams like this from time to time but... no, it's just me being picky there now I think about it. Carry on. Or not. No, something seems wrong with this dream. Forgive me for my criticism, but I'll go back to my point and stand by it. It has more of a prophecy feel to it than a normal dreamscape - which if you're going to tell me it's meant to be her having a prophetic nightmare of what she fears she'll become, that makes it somewhat understandable but even then, such details such as Seer having the bullet through her head and all that... whenever I've had dreams, my dreams have never needed to explain themselves and yes this is a story, but it just seems to break that little idea.
The action in the dream is very interesting though. I don't hate everything about it or even hate it at all. I'm ever so slightly put off my suspension of disbelief by it but not greatly so. So yeah, the action redeems it.
Why do I get a distinctive rape feeling from this? I mean, I know you said there wouldn't be and I wouldn't go batshit insane at you if you did use it, though yeah, that's the feeling this little meeting at the gate gives off. (That or of a planned hit on Seer and the others.)
D'awwwww, Felix makes me smile. I really love moments like these. D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
One could argue he was trying to get her killed... or you could also argue that instead of trying to get her killed, he's actually trying to find out what she's capable of. If she gets into combat and manages to hold her own (Which she would because plot armour, though I don't say that in the bad way. It's only when plot armour is abused that it's bad) then that would tell him about her abilities. Maybe it's a test?
Ooooh, I like the way she's gone and killed the two. Without acting like an angst ridden whiny little bitch, either. Good. Yes she's allowed to have a moment to think about it all, encouraged even. However, I'm so tired of the angst routine Blackjack pulls all the god damn time. It's refreshing to see something different. Now, as for their bodies and gear, I want her to take the battlesaddle and equip it seeing as: 1. it's loot 2. it'll keep her safe to have a better weapon / system But I can totally understand if she doesn't have the time to put it on in the end. Reading on now.
And end of chapter. Brilliant chapter, thoroughly enjoyed it and I really don't see why you were so worried. Yes I brought up the dream but overall it wasn't that much of an issue, nothing like recent events surrounding P.H for example. The action was well written, characterisation handled well, it gave us some backstories and names. It gives us a hint of what's to come and yeah, handled well. I was initially unsure of the switching from Shayle to Felix and then back to Shayle, but with the way the chapter ended it definitely felt right to do it that way around.
Again, brilliant chapter and I really did thoroughly enjoy it, Camo. Thank you for the note at the end of the chapter, made me smile. You deserve nothing less than me advertising you and your story though because you really do put a lot of effort into it and it shows. You come out with a consistent level of quality that's inarguably good enough to get a lot more attention than it currently does, you just need that word of mouth push to try get the ball rolling for you.
I'm really glad you write All That Remains, it really does rival if not beat Project Horizons in stories I want to see update. Thank you for giving it to us.
2261385 Thank you Doomande, I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and the story as a whole. And thank you for the high praise about the zebra part. A big challenge for me has been making sure I don't just make them more ponies, and trying to vary what happens to make it seem more 'zebra'. So thank you so much for that.
As for the buck thing, I actually was trying to cut down on it after someone else brought that up, but it's a hard habit to break sometimes. I'm working on it, but sometimes it slips my mind while I'm writing, so thank you for letting me know I'm still doing it.
2261504 And I know I already thanked you on clouds, but thank you again Kipper.
I'm enjoying reading this so far. Shayle is an interesting character, I just hope she'll realize before she sells her soul she can stop this. She's had so many chances so far, so many choices she could have made the other way and things would be different. She's run away once, she just needs to do it again before she gets even more innocent blood on her hooves. The question is, will she in time, or will she just be another puppet following orders until she is naught but a husk.
And chapter 11 is here. I'm very sorry about how long it took, and that I will be out of it again for a while after this chapter due to school work and life stuff, but I hope it's still enjoyable to everyone.
2260899
Oh hush you! Quality takes time after all
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120407024328/falloutequestria/images/2/2d/Zebra_Remnants.png
'Kill anyone who stands in are way'
Another really really good chapter Camo. If there is one that can describe the sneaky stealthy way of a zebra is it you. And I think that that is one of the strongest forces with this story.
This is not just ponies with stripes and some fancy ways to battle. No this is the masters of stealth, a race that is build around a whole other honor system and a warrior people. I have sadly not read many zebra stories, so this is maybe a little hollow, but I think your picture of the zebras are the best one that I have ever read, and I would wish that I can do something like that when I take up another race in my story and focus a little on them.
But now a little sore thing in the room... Equines does not have bucks, neither ponies nor zebras. It is maybe Kkats biggest mistake, but there is no such thing, look it up on the interweb if you don´t believe me. I don´t know if you want keeping using it, so far I can see is "buck" an accepted term in the Fo:E world, but for outsiders would it still be wrong, and you use it rather often in this chapter
I am really really glad that I am also mentioned in this chapter, it warms my heart when I see that my gifts are so well received. There is just sadly not really any scene yet that I really want to throw money after... Or well the Sandy scene would be rather cute, with them all sitting around the table ready to eat with the giant Shayle towering over them... Ohh ideas, but no promises.
And one last thin "hoping that I remembered all of Dad’s classes about how to shoot." I know that it is a really big nitpick, but would lessons not be better here than classes?
Posted both here & the clouds for you.
Hm, so this strange one hasn't got any stripes on him? Immediately my mind says "pony" though that's a bit obvious. Surely it's something more unusual but still something that would fit in like he's an albino or something to that effect.
Still, it could be the simplest answer is the correct one here and he's actually a pony raised by zebras all his life, trained to think and act like a zebra and thus has such undying dedication and admiration for the zebra cause that Xion was impressed by him and allows him in his squad. Might also explain why he doesn't talk.
I mean, rather than talking and sounding like a pony, perhaps he doesn't talk and... well, if I'm wrong and he is an albino zebra or something, this is all useless anyway but I'm guessing you'll get a laugh out of it all the same so yeah, leaving it in here.
(For the record, the proper term for that would be quisling, named after Vidkun Quisling, a Norwegian man who assisted the Nazi's in their takeover so he could gain power. He was so pro-nazi that he even outlasted a lot of Germans in undying respect for the furher. Little history lesson there!)
Pale blue eyes eh? That rules out albino. Pony?
So, he -can- speak, but speaks quickly? I'll continue to think he's a pony and his quickness in speech is to try hide that as much as possible. The longer he spends on any note the more time anyone has to notice his voice is any different (if it is at all.)
Xion decides whose on the team? Well that only reinforces my previous statement about how if silent guy was a pony but bred to be loyal to zebras that he could have possibly been accepted by him for it despite that. (Or perhaps, even for it.)
Nothing more to say about Solus or the bar scene... moving on. Just read the bit about Minx, Shayle is talking about how hard it is to get to sleep. Just writing this down so you have some idea where I'm at.
Took me a second there, but I'm guessing this is moving onto Minx. Makes the most sense seeing as we don't know where she went off to and the whole shimmering / hood thing.
Wall of hatred... yeah, I'm definitely going to go Minx.
...Or not. So, if it's Shayle, it's a dream.
Huh. Interesting dream sequence, though seems a little too realistic feeling / detailed for a dream, though that could just be me. I mean, true, we all have dreams like this from time to time but... no, it's just me being picky there now I think about it. Carry on.
Or not. No, something seems wrong with this dream. Forgive me for my criticism, but I'll go back to my point and stand by it. It has more of a prophecy feel to it than a normal dreamscape - which if you're going to tell me it's meant to be her having a prophetic nightmare of what she fears she'll become, that makes it somewhat understandable but even then, such details such as Seer having the bullet through her head and all that... whenever I've had dreams, my dreams have never needed to explain themselves and yes this is a story, but it just seems to break that little idea.
The action in the dream is very interesting though. I don't hate everything about it or even hate it at all. I'm ever so slightly put off my suspension of disbelief by it but not greatly so. So yeah, the action redeems it.
Why do I get a distinctive rape feeling from this? I mean, I know you said there wouldn't be and I wouldn't go batshit insane at you if you did use it, though yeah, that's the feeling this little meeting at the gate gives off.
(That or of a planned hit on Seer and the others.)
D'awwwww, Felix makes me smile. I really love moments like these.
D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
One could argue he was trying to get her killed... or you could also argue that instead of trying to get her killed, he's actually trying to find out what she's capable of. If she gets into combat and manages to hold her own (Which she would because plot armour, though I don't say that in the bad way. It's only when plot armour is abused that it's bad) then that would tell him about her abilities.
Maybe it's a test?
Ooooh, I like the way she's gone and killed the two. Without acting like an angst ridden whiny little bitch, either. Good.
Yes she's allowed to have a moment to think about it all, encouraged even. However, I'm so tired of the angst routine Blackjack pulls all the god damn time. It's refreshing to see something different.
Now, as for their bodies and gear, I want her to take the battlesaddle and equip it seeing as:
1. it's loot
2. it'll keep her safe to have a better weapon / system
But I can totally understand if she doesn't have the time to put it on in the end. Reading on now.
And end of chapter. Brilliant chapter, thoroughly enjoyed it and I really don't see why you were so worried. Yes I brought up the dream but overall it wasn't that much of an issue, nothing like recent events surrounding P.H for example.
The action was well written, characterisation handled well, it gave us some backstories and names. It gives us a hint of what's to come and yeah, handled well.
I was initially unsure of the switching from Shayle to Felix and then back to Shayle, but with the way the chapter ended it definitely felt right to do it that way around.
Again, brilliant chapter and I really did thoroughly enjoy it, Camo.
Thank you for the note at the end of the chapter, made me smile. You deserve nothing less than me advertising you and your story though because you really do put a lot of effort into it and it shows.
You come out with a consistent level of quality that's inarguably good enough to get a lot more attention than it currently does, you just need that word of mouth push to try get the ball rolling for you.
I'm really glad you write All That Remains, it really does rival if not beat Project Horizons in stories I want to see update.
Thank you for giving it to us.
2261385
Thank you Doomande, I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and the story as a whole.
And thank you for the high praise about the zebra part. A big challenge for me has been making sure I don't just make them more ponies, and trying to vary what happens to make it seem more 'zebra'. So thank you so much for that.
As for the buck thing, I actually was trying to cut down on it after someone else brought that up, but it's a hard habit to break sometimes. I'm working on it, but sometimes it slips my mind while I'm writing, so thank you for letting me know I'm still doing it.
2261504
And I know I already thanked you on clouds, but thank you again Kipper.
2265323
Thanks Regolit!
And I fully agree on your point there, which is why I seek to change it.
I'm enjoying reading this so far. Shayle is an interesting character, I just hope she'll realize before she sells her soul she can stop this. She's had so many chances so far, so many choices she could have made the other way and things would be different. She's run away once, she just needs to do it again before she gets even more innocent blood on her hooves. The question is, will she in time, or will she just be another puppet following orders until she is naught but a husk.
2290729
Thanks! I'm glad you've enjoyed the story and I hope I continue to keep it good and entertaining
I enjoyed this chapter and thats all to be said about it
Thank you for your existence ^_^