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Rape?
Pretty good, but it doesn't exactly feel like Fallout Equestria did. But then again, this is only the prologue.
I was half expecting Felix to be standing behind her when she did it. I would've been all like,
I really hope the plot picks up a little.
Hmm, I could go into the Psychoanalysis of the father's behaviour, but I'll just leave as is.
Not exactly muich of a FoE feel yet, but I'll be reading on.
Okay... Umm... Wow. You win today sir (or madam).
This is, what fallout should feel like. That gritty sensation that everything in the world is shit, you're shit, and there is nothing you can do to get rid of the stains that will forever mar your soul. Something no other FO:E spin-off has done successfully (that I know of) to date.
(Do you happen to have a guestimate at when the next chapter will be released? Or is it going on a 'when you complete it' basis?)
1273199
I unfortunately cannot provide an exact date for the next chapter. It all depends on my schedule and how much time I have between my classes to get the chapter done. Sorry about that.
And I'm glad the story is being enjoyed, thank you for the positive feedback everyone
1274318 Yah, I understand. Real life and all. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
Well, this is more like Fallout Equestria! You do the intra-fandom fandom proud. (I hope)
If you need an editor, I've got your back.
good chapter
Huh. Just yesterday I was hoping for this to update. And here we are.
Good update, and Yay Sepsis!
(This is rapidly turning out to be one of my favourite FO:E stories)
Hi my "name" is Doomande and I am here to do my special thing? What is that you ask yourself, well it is a little ting I call REVIEW TIME!
So first of, nice that we see the Fo:E world through a zebras eyes. I have only seen one other story that have done that, and with the picture I have from around my collection of Fo:E stories are it a pretty good impression you gave with this prologue of the Holy Zebraca.
Secondly was I rather afraid that you ware going to make another "war, war never changes" start, with all the darkness and hopelessness that you could put into it. But I was pleasantly surprised by it. Not only did you take one of the most overused clichés out there and made it work, you did it with a personal touch by Shayle.
I like how you made it feel like a slice of life story, but with that ending am I sure that there is more to it than meets the eye. For there is so many other stories that just want to jump right to the fighting and pow pow pow. That you made it the way you did made it enforced the character of her. And I loved the way you dumped quite a lot of info about her in a natural way without breaking the flow. If that is the style of the story overall did you win yourself a rather big fan here.
The only thing that I could nitpick on is that the names on the zebras is sounding rather unzebra like, but then again, all the other Fo:E works out there is also going over the top with all the x's and z's they cram into it.
My last little note is a more personal one that I say to quite a lot that is starting up with writing in the Fo:E universe. Don´t mind the haters, we have quite a lot of them, so the 4 downwards thumbs you have is properly from them, so don´t even think on them unless there is a angry comment with it.
Have fun writing it. Almost no matter what you write will we read it. And if you like what you have done in the end of the day, are I sure that we also will.
Find a pre-reader, for it is dangerous to write alone. And a extra pair of eyes that know a little about the lore can always be a help. For there is a lot of lore about Fo:E.
And to end it all of with, remember your sites there is the Fo:E wiki where a lot of questions can be answered, and look in the G-doc from time to time if you want, for we are quite a bunch that would love to talk ideas, lore and what not.
Thank you for the review doomande, and I'm so glad you enjoy it so far! Thanks for the advice and the links, they'll definitely help me out as I continue writing this!
And on the zebra's names, yeah, I didn't really know what would count as zebraish since in show we only know of one, and I never really liked how in FO:E fics every name seemed to be x's and z's everywhere, just felt repetative, so I tried to change it up a little.
By Celestia, that was good. Like the prologue did you get the world just right, and can't wait to see what kind of Wasteland they will find, for with water to "baths" in and other hygienic foalishness and bread that do't sound to be 200years old does it sound to be something to look forward to on the other side of the wall.
The narrative style is still amazing, personal and hinting to a lot of thing here and there so you want to know more. And it is still nice that it is told in "bite" sized chapters. Not that I don't like to read 30K+ Fo:E fanfic in one go, but it can be a little much from time to time.
The only "bad" ting I would nitpick a little at is the use of Shayles tail, for there is a big difference between a zebras tail and a horses tail. Not that what you did was wrong in any way. But it would be nice to see in the text some more that she is a zebra and are using her body in a other way than ponies. And why did she use her mouth on the yucky leather when she could use her hoofs or tail?
good chapter
Another day, another REVIEW TIME!
Another good chapter, but that is not a surprise longer. It is still nice to see the personality of Shayle shining trough the way you write your story. Also nice to see a character with so much "knowledge" as she have. For it is nice to see how they are going to learn the Wasteland life
Also nice to see that you can write a interesting fight scene without loosing the focus from what there happens abound the Zebras. I think that this is also the first time I have read about a ghoul with glowing eyes. And by that way you sell it to us does I think that it should be lore!
good chapter
Lyra gives you a thumbs up.
images.wikia.com/mylittlebrony/images/1/1b/Lyra_id.png
Hey everyone. I'm very sorry about the long wait between this and the last chapter. I've had a bit of an issue with motivation, and school might be to blame for some of that. I'll try to get the next chapter in a shorter timeframe, but I can't make promises.
I hope everyone enjoys the new chapter, and thank you so much for reading!
Hood to see a new chapter dude, and don´t think on how long it takes. There is 2 things in here that takes time, making stuff of quality and stories, so it is natural that a quality story takes a lot of time here and there. And next time when it looks like you are out of motivation, why not jump into the Fo:E G-doc and say a word or two? We are a lot in there that are good to keep up the mood and put some more steam on that motivatin
Nitpick
"Or at least I would if I didn’t still hate her" I think that your hate is in a wrong tense, because there is something with it that are buggering my brain
Xion better die and hope that Doc survives
No other comment about the chapter other than I can't understand why you haven't more readers than you have. Because your story are looking really really promising, but with that said.
Remember to have a space after your triple period and in the sentence "until I saw the rest of their body" is it wrong to use their there
If I may add to the above comment, the grammatically correct way is "his/her". Alternatively, you could rewrite the sentence to remove ownership altogether.(i.e. "the body)
Otherwise, great work, Camo.
Oh, thanks for pointing that out
I'm glad you both enjoyed it
Good chapter. Lots of character development at the start, decent fight at the end.
I'm glad I'm not the only person who will write any execution scenes for their main character, sometimes it just needs to be done.
Not a lot I can really say on this one.
I dont know what to say here, you have been pulling at my heartstrings the entire story, when doc died i wont lie my face felt wet, you've done a great job so far.
1778013 I hope i can snag you a few readers im just about to break 30 members on my group. ^_^ Group of writers
1906917
I'm glad you're enjoying it man, and I hope I continue to provide an entertaining story.
And thank you for putting my story in your group
1917885 You just keep on turning out great chapters, though i have a question for you i have never come across a fict where the main characters go from living in cezars land (More of a heavily squed fallout Nv Atmosphere) to the equestrian wasteland (A more fallout 3 Atmosphere) what are your thoughts on this?
1917963
I'm afraid I don't really know if I understand you.
Are you asking if I know about a fic where the protagonist starts in Zebrica and travels to Equestria during the story? Because if so I've never seen it. Might be pretty interesting.
1918083 Sorry man ive been up late for the last few nights, but ya that's what i was talking about actually surprised ive never seen anyone bridge that gap there's so much potential...
1918083 Also have you noticed how nearly every fict only associates zebras with light armour normally? i cant really say besides a few guards wearing power armour..i mean you could trip over it everywhere in Dc i wouldn't expect it would be that hard to come across a suit in equestria with all the ghoul attacks in metros and on the plains and those that may have gotten a good hit on a BoS member in a skirmish and left the heavy suit.
1918162
I've noticed this with quite a bit of tech actually. Can't recall from the top of my head a story where a zebra uses a pip-buck either. May be due to the fact that zebras aren't exactly common in most FOE fics.
1918550 Huh i know their must at least be a few...Hmm i know the zebras had varents of power armour but they were never officially named...
An edit has been made on the latest chapter (The Wasteland). The location of the camp with the cart has been detailed better after a reader pointed out that I forgot to add a certain detail to the area.
1918138
If I may steal a comment to answer to that, I know that this have nothing to do with the story so bear over with my this one time.
There is Trigger to Tomorrow that start out in a setting that have a lot of NV over it, and so far have the story heavenly "hinted" that at some later point are they going to visit the Fo3 setting made in the original, even more interesting because the story is sat after the day of sunshine and rainbows.
1925254 Huh i want to thank you for that comment, i will have to read it tomrow as i have been up most of the night and morning.
1925254
Hm...may need to add that one to my list.
This is one of the best sentences I have ever read in a Fo:E fic yet. Right to the point, and so fitting. Would you mind me stealing it, or some wording there of, because that sentence describe the Wasteland so well
I really love some of the things you did in this chapter, and it really shows me that this is a pearl worth coming back for. One of the best things with this chapter was that you changed perspective, something that I love when people do that in stories. For is there a better way to see the world, than though another pair of eyes than those we normally sees it with? You could maybe have made Felix sound a little bit smarter, he is after all the brain on the team, but beside that did it work well. Especially with the dream. I was uncertain almost all the way though it who had it, because it would be fitting for both characters, so a big bravo from me for writing the dream like that. Because making something that could reflect 2 charterers perfectly are hard.
I found it a little weird that you wrote raider with a capital letter. Raider are not so much a title or name, more the job they do or a diagnosis. Think on scavengers, that is not something that you write with a capital s, and it is more or less the same.
And a little note about your note about happiness. It is true that you are missing some brighter parts in the story, but I would not say that they have been missing. What about Felix little crush? Sure he lost her, but that is a minor detail. What I would say is that I have not thought that the story is to bleak yet
Nitpicks:
You have a bad habit here with forgetting your space after you have made a triple space, don´t think I saw you that once in this chapter.
"trying to resist the urge to take another drink" I think you mean sip here instead of drink.
"I’ll talk to her Father when we get back from the Stable and put in a good word for you." There is no need for the capitalized f in father.
"They must have been in there" The plural "they" are wrong here, you have used a singular scream the other places.
1927529
Thanks for the review Doomande! Definitely feel free to use that statement about age if you'd like, and I'm glad you enjoyed that part.
I'm glad you liked the perspective switch. It's been something I've wanted to do since starting the story, but never really had a good way to do it. But now that Felix and Shayle are going to start spending time separated, I'm going to start showing things from both sides, especially since they have very different outlooks on what happens. I was a little worried it would be weird, but I'm glad it turned out okay
Not really sure why I did Raider with a capital 'R', but the reason I capitalized 'Father' was because up to that point it was habit since that's what Shayle calls her dad, so it was more of a title until then. Thanks for pointing it out.
I'm glad you don't think the story is too dark yet. I've kinda had a different outlook on the Equestrian Wasteland than what most seem to have, and that carries over to my story. I see it as more of a horrible and dark place, but with bits of happiness and good that make the parts that suck worth it. (yeah, I'm sappy like that)
And thanks for the little grammar fixes, I'll get around to fixing those and remember them as I continue the story too
Thanks again Doomande, and I'm glad you still enjoy it!
1928149
Well the Wasteland are a dark and bleak place that kills all forms of happiness and joy that it can find... It is just good then that it ain´t stopping the pastel ponies and their striped friends for making some more of it.
What there is most important no matter what view you have is doing to much of the same, like how we drown in angst in PH and have grimdark scene after grimdark scene. Sure you make some scenes that pull in some heartstrings, but you do also write living saloons, and soldiers that can enjoy them self. So there is some of both world. And f you at some point think that you are doing something wrong in that department... Well look here then. I know that it is about games, but it is about story telling in games... So it still count!
1928213
You actually do make a really good point there. I didn't even consider the life in Caesar's stand (good times in the bar, happy soldiers enjoying a night out, etc) as happy points in the Wasteland, so thank you for pointing that out.
And I think that video is spot on, thanks for showing it to me.
DAMN YOU! Why are you so fast all of a sudden? I had just planned to make a nice clean zero beside that favorite star, and in under a week do you have 11K more for me to do! I hope that it better be just as good as the rest, or else am I not going to forgive you!
On another note, remember that cover I promised you? I can see that Spyro are more or less booked all the time, but I will try in the near future to get find some others to make some pictures of your characters instead to make up for it, sounds good?
1939119
Haha, yeah, I've been motivated this week and managed another chapter. Sorry about ruining your 0 chapters to read
I hope it's still good.
And yeah, that sounds good to me man. No rush on it if you don't have time though, I can wait
Another fo:e sidefic that I found, oh joy
4chandata.org/images/threads/112235_2spooky.jpg
obligatory comment from me addressed to you on yet another FO: E fic
yeah, i know im late
1939349
Well this is certainly the most interesting comment I've ever gotten, so thanks for that
Ouch...poor Felix...
1974291
Thanks for the comment Regolit. I did read that little 22 things blurb (I really need to thank the guy who posted it), and it actually did help me get past that, especially the box you mentioned. I'm glad you've been enjoying the recent chapters
And I think you're the first person to tell me you actually like Minx lol
Other people have hated her so much.
Sandy! Sandy sand sandy sandy dy sandy sand?... Oh Sandy, your amazing filly clone you, how sad you wasn´t descried better so I knew how you looked, because that scene at the table is worth every horror setting.
Oh and you are welcome for that Pixar poster, I knew that it was going to help someone at least
Nitpick: "blue and yellow jacket" should this not be in plural?
1975415
You're gettin' pretty darn close to the mark on everything you've said about Minx so far. You're right that she doesn't enjoy the suffering and death of others, but she's not really all there either. She'll follow orders from Xion to the letter, and that's all I'll say about her so far. You'll learn more in upcoming chapters
1989772
Thanks a bunch! I'm glad you liked the scenes with Sandy, and that I got across the good of it. Kinda just my way of bringing a little happiness from before the war into the Wasteland to show Shayle that not everything is bad.
And thank you for that nitpick, I've gone and edited it.
Just because I can, and because I am going to review this later... YOINK! First post!
First of all, I am not awesome, it is you that is awesome for making this story, chapter after chapter, only getting better and better... Well I can´t say anything yet for this one, it is 1AM right now and I would wish that I was clear enough in my head to read it now, but it must wait to after some sleep so I also can write a few words about the chapter.
Oh and if I really have your eternal thanks and want to repay some of it... Well I would love if the names that you have written for both me and Rattlesire was links to our users, that would be "repayment" enough for me so you don´t have to thinking over thanking me. Although Rattlesire is super awesome is he an person that could use just a little more spotlight.
So that was all for now. Can´t wait to read this chapter!