Fluttershy the Tortoise

by GhostRider1996

A Turtle Tragedy

“Oh dear— my Element! I dropped it!” I thought, because I had, indeed, dropped the necklace which contained the Element of Kindness, as it had become too large for me to wear around my neck.

“Oh no —— Fluttershy’s gone!” shrieked Pinkie Pie in a panic.

“Who’s that, then?” inquired Twilight Sparkle, pointing a hoof at a tortoise (me).

Rainbow Dash sat down to pick up the tortoise with her wings, calling out to Twilight, “Here she is! Look what’s happened to her!”

As soon as the blue Pegasus touched me, I quickly hid inside my shell. It terrified me when another pony touched me, even if they didn’t mean any harm.

Rarity picked up the necklace with the Element of Kindness and chimed in, “Would any of you mind if I held onto to this for safekeeping?”

“Who better than you to guard a precious necklace?” Applejack answered.

Rainbow Dash carried their shy friend-turned-tortoise carefully in her wings while the others followed her back to Ponyville.

---

“I’m begging you, Fluttershy —— won’t you, please, come out of your shell?” Twilight pleaded. She was beginning to cry because she missed me so much.

“I don’t want to —— I’m too afraid!” I thought, although she could not speak.

Spike volunteered to help me not be as scared as I was currently.
“It’s ok, Fluttershy.” Spike stated, calmly. “We— I will always love you. No matter what form you’re in,” he reassured me, gently caressing my shell with his hands.

I briefly poked my head out of my shell and smiled at Spike.

“That’s the spirit, Fluttershy.” Spike whispered. He was very proud of me.

---

Rarity and Spike took me to visit Doctor Fauna, Ponyville’s best veterinarian.

“If anypony can help you feel better,” Spike said to me, “It’s Dr. Fauna.”

After Doctor Fauna finished examining my body, she turned to Rarity and Spike.

“She’s… a tortoise,” Doctor Fauna stated.

“Er—yeah,” Spike answered, dryly, “Can you tell us something we don’t already know, please?”

---

Meanwhile, back at the Golden Oak Library, Twilight Sparkle was desperately looking for a spell book with a spell that could change me back into my old Pegasus form.

“No. No. No, no, no, no, no-no-no-no-no!” she yelled, rummaging through every spell book she owned, and continuing to fail to find the spell she was desperately looking for.

“Awww —— cheer up, Twilight,” chimed in Pinkie Pie, chipper as ever. “It’s not as though Fluttershy will remain a tortoise forever, you know?”

“But that’s what I’m worried will happen, Pinkie,” countered Twilight.

“Well, given that I’m the fastest pony in all of Equestria, I could give the shy, shell-clad slowpoke quite a ride!” Rainbow Dash jeered.

“Hey—— you mind that muzzle of yer’s, Rainbow!” Applejack retorted.

---

“I’m sorry we couldn’t cure you, Fluttershy,” lamented Spike.

“Thank you for trying, Spike,” I thought, although I couldn’t speak. “I forgive you. Every one of you.”

“You know, Darling?” Rarity chimes in. “Your shell is simply divine!”

“Oh, thank you, Rarity!” I thought, now feeling just a little braver.

---

Spike, myself, and our friends had all gathered at the Golden Oak Library, where Twilight Sparkle broke the bad news to them all.

As Spike held me closely in his arms, I poked my head out of my shell to greet three of my pony friends — Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Applejack.

“Hi, girls,” I thought, smiling shyly at the three of them.

“Hello, Fluttershy,” they answered together, sweetly.

At that exact moment, there was a knock on the door, which startled poor little me, making me retreat inside my shell once again.

Rainbow Dash dashed to the door and opened it; walking in with my pet bunny: Angel.

Angel was very happy to have found me, but once he saw that I had changed from a Pegasus into a tortoise, his face fell and his ears drooped.

I was very happy that Angel had found me. I was so happy that I poked my head out of my shell, once again, to let him cuddle me.

---

Before dinner that night, Twilight Sparkle and my four other pony friends decided to find out whether or not the Elements of Harmony would be able to change me back into my Pegasus form. Spike put the necklace containing the Element of Kindness on top of my shell, and the five ponies donned their respective other Elements of Harmony.

Everypony fired a beam from her Element into mine. But, alas, the effort was in vain.

---

.

After dinner (Applejack and Twilight had made special suppers for me and Angel), all of them decided to head to bed (Twilight and Rarity had made a special bed for me and Angel).

It made me very sad that everything my friends had done in an attempt to help me had failed. It made me so sad that I had a hard time getting to sleep. I needed Angel to cuddle with me through the entirety of the night.

Comments

[EverfreePony]

A nice premise built around a simple pun, but I can see how it could make for a pretty good story that can be taken in multiple directions. Though speaking of directions, I have to admit I'm unsure what tone and direction were you aiming for with this story. It definitely needs the "Random" tag, given that turning into a turtle/tortoise is not exactly an everyday slice-of-life occurence. Though besides that, I'm not sure if this was supposed to be a comedy, a sad story, or something bittersweet inbetween. For future reference, try to also pay more mind to how you pace the story. The concern about the lack of tone that I've expressed above stems from the fact that everything happens way too fast in the story, and the scenes are so short that they seem more like summaries rather than scenes that'd show enough to establish a sound atmosphere that'd draw the readers in.

Furthermore, watch out for some random POV shifts--there's one that even happens mid-sentence. The issue with this kind of error is that it's very noticeable and rather jarring, so it easily turns away potential readers. There are also some rather noticeable errors when it comes to punctuation. It's nice to see that you're using em dashes, but note that there's no such thing as double em dashes. (Or, better said, they are a thing, but they shouldn't appear in a story. What may appear in a story is a double hyphen that serves as a replacement of a single em dash.) Furthermore, parentheses (side remarks in brackets) break the flow of the story a fair bit, and as such they should be used scarcely and ideally only in epistolary narrative. When it comes to this kind of prose, better use commas or em dashes to introduce side remarks. I also noticed some punctuation errors in direct speech, but I won't mention them here for the sake of keeping this comment moderately short. I can send you a short guide on how to handle these though.

And that's pretty much all I wanted to mention. You have some pretty good ideas, but you also need to practise their execution. However, I believe that once you get that under control, you'll easily make it to the featured box.