Chapter 1
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When Alphabittle entered the tiny room on the second floor of the Maretime Bay hotel, he sensed an aura of fear in the air. Alphabittle could smell fear. And he was good at this. As long as he could think, this special ability of smelling the fear a pony felt was what let him win games. Smell their fear and you have found the right pony to challenge. See their insecurities and you will win. It was the success formula that had gained him a respectable collection of rare goods and artifacts that any other unicorn could only dream of. Alphabittle was able to smell fear in much larger rooms than this one, even if the fear came from only a single pony. And in this room here, that pony was cowering behind the bed at the back.
Alphabittle did another step into the room and the floor creaked under his massive, muscular (and slightly fat) hooves (but Alphabittle wouldn't describe them like this to anypony). The pony behind the bed began to shiver and crouched down more. “D-Dont come closer!”
It was one of the pegasus guards from Zephyr Heights. A stallion who, Alphabittle had to assess, failed to choose his profession.
“Thunder!” Alphabittle called out to him.
The cowardly guard ducked his body even deeper behind his hiding spot. Alphabittle had no doubt that his head was under the bed now. He had bellowed just a little too loud. Old habits are had to let go of, he mused. Then again, did he even want to let go of his gruff demeanor?
Alphabittle stopped his foray into the hotel room and recollected himself. At the very least, he had to try. The bulky unicorn stallion took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, then let it out again. “Listen, buddy, I just–”
“Don't hurt me!” the squeamish voice that was so unfitting for a guard came in response. Thunder ducked even deeper. He truly was trying to find a different dimension under that bed. Thunder knew, if there was one, he would gladly flee into it to get away from the fat, grey brute who had come to get him. Thunder's mind went back, all the way back, to the event that had transpired a couple hours ago on this day that was thankfully about to end.
Everything had started so peacefully. The sky had been filled with beautiful colors, the banquet had been rich (it was surprising how much these earth ponies could serve in such a short time, they had no magic, but if anything, they seemed to be talented cooks) and everypony had been merry. Alphabittle was sitting next to him, as merry as the others, talking about the games he played and how winning games was a kind of art. Thunder himself had been merry and, most importantly, he had felt safe.
The day had been filled with activities and learning that neither unicorns, nor earth ponies, were all that bad had eased his fearful heart. He, Storm, the rest of the pegasus guards, the royals they had sworn to protect and all the unicorns who had come over all the way from Bridlewood, among them a little, spirited, turquoise unicorn filly, had even been invited to a free movie screening in the local cinema. Earth ponies could actually be generous.
The little one had delighted him the most, she was constantly practicing her newfound spellcaster ability with a wide smile on her face. Around her neck was something that looked like a mix between a collar and a scarf, Thunder couldn't quite decide what it was, but that unique combination indicated an interest in creative clothing and fashion, which made him like her even more. She had been the perfect company to make him feel comfortable around all these new ponies he had never met before and Thunder had been glad that she was sitting to his left both in the cinema and at the banquet table during dinner. Up until halfway through dinner, everything had been a perfect day. Then the demise had come from his right, where Alphabittle had been sitting.
The words that had left the mouth of the unicorn stallion cut holes into Thunder's happiness and into the peace. Old habits are hard to let go of, Thunder had thought in this moment while gradually shrinking deeper into his seat, watched with concern and shock by the little filly and the other ponies around him.
Alphabittle could drink a lot, it had turned out. And Thunder had to admit, he wasn't exactly sure whether it were really old habits or just the alcohol in Alphabittle's blood, but nonetheless, the slurs he spoke weren't nice. They were scary, even, there was an aggression in this unicorn that could, if given enough time, scare away each and every pony, no matter how brave. This worked much faster for him. Once Alphabittle went as far as calling his mother a peanut-brained chicken feather, after insulting him a couple times, he had left the table. There were more awful things he had said, but this one insult cut the deepest. And it had scared him, that Alphabittle had insulted a pony he had never even seen before. Yes, this stallion was very aggressive and Thunder knew he would have none of that. Bringing himself out of the danger zone, he had quietly and unsuspiciously slipped from his chair and made his way back to the hotel with the beautiful coastal view and up into his room.
But now Alphabittle had found him there. Thunder wasn't exactly surprised about this, he had somewhat reckoned with it. But rather than the aggressive stallion coming into his room, he had preferred a visit by the friendly, young unicorn filly, for another cheery conversation about sneakers and scarves. The little filly was a blessing, but that stallion was a punishment. Thunder had no idea what Alphabittle's arrival was supposed to be the punishment for, but he knew all to well what alcohol did to ponies. Horrible things. The little filly was too young to drink. Thunder would gladly trade Alphabittle for her.
Alphabittle huffed, more annoyed than the situation could need. “Bud, I'm not here to hurt you, just listen for a moment!” Alphabittle bellowed again and bit his tongue instantly, but it was too late.
“No!” Thunder shouted back and stayed where he was.
Alphabittle ignored the rejection and continued. “I am only here to apologize, okay? And I'm not good at doing this, so you better listen, I'll only say this once!”
Thunder peeked out from behind the bed, hardly one eye peering at the strong stallion in front of him.
“I said a lot of dumb things today, okay?” Alphabittle spoke, now striving for a lower, gentler tone of his voice again. “I was drunk and I didn't mean any of that, got it?”
Thunder's stressed face softened, but only slightly.
Alphabittle shifted his eyes into the direction of a blind spot behind him. “Was this enough now or does it have to get more embarrassing?” he asked.
A group of ponies stood outside the door in the corridor, Thunder's fellow guards and, at the top, the unicorn filly. “You said bad things about my new friend!” she pointed an accusatory hoof at him and was wearing a stern, angry expression on her face. “Before you didn't say sorry, you won't leave this room!” Behind her, the guards nodded together, their faces just as stern, but with an added tint of military drill.
“Fine!” Alphabittle growled out between this teeth. He turned at Thunder again. “I am sorry for insulting you and your mother!” he spat out the words, in a hurry to get the darn apology out of the way.
The stench of booze from his mouth wafted through the tiny room and found its way into Thunder's nose. It could have made him more afraid, but an apology from a drunken mouth was something that he had never heard before in his life. It felt uplifting, in an odd way, and with the restored hope that everypony could have a soft core under a hard shell, or simply be different than initially thought, Thunder's heart eased and he dared to come out from behind the bed.
There was an eerie, awkward silence as he stood before Alphabittle, neither of them knowing what to say or if anything even should be said now. The group of ponies behind them cleared the corridor, only the filly kept standing there, two watchful eyes on Alphabittle's back. Then a coincidence relieved them from the awkward tension, as a sound came from outside the window. Hasty, quick steps hurrying past the hotel. Clopping on the pavement from a pony who was sure they wouldn't be seen nor heard that late at night. Alphabittle used the chance to escape from that weird moment, by going to the window and taking a look outside. Doing that was a mere excuse, a convenient way to excuse himself, to be precise. He was not expecting to see anything of interest in the dead of night, nothing more than an earth pony, perhaps as drunk as he had been, on their way home. And what he saw was indeed an earth pony, that went into a certain way, but not back home for a peaceful night's rest. No, this pony had dastardly and sinister plans for the night, Alphabittle instantly determined.
Sprout was sneaking through the night. Or, at least he felt like he should be sneaking, but he wasn't, really. It was too late at night and he was sure that nopony would be awake to watch him anymore. Especially none of the intruders. It would be easy, he would slip through the night unseen, to the lighthouse, and make them all weak again. There was nopony here to stop him and once the crystals were separate again, he would sack them in, leave Maretime Bay and hide somewhere in the wilderness between the many, different towns of the kingdom to think of a new plan that would finally make his invasion work and especially show Hitch, that bastard and son of a cow, who was the real sheriff of Maretime Bay. A vicious grin flitted across his face.
“Who is out there?” Thunder asked, noticing the grim expression that formed on Alphabittle's face. It made him nervous and uncomfortable.
“Trouble,” Alphabittle answered straightforwardly. He turned at Thunder, curtain still gripped in his right hoof. “Or what do you guards call it when there is a stallion sneaking through the night with a grin like that on his face?” He imitated Sprout's vicious grin.
“T-Trouble,” Thunder confirmed. He shrunk a little, but kept standing.
Alphabittle peeked out the window again, but couldn't see Sprout anymore. He looked at Thunder again. “Looks like that crazy emperor hasn't enough yet. Are you up for a mission?”
Thunder started shaking. Why not Storm or the others, he was thinking. But the loud snores that came from the rooms to their right were answering that question for him. And he wouldn't even think of bringing the little one into danger. Her magic was not developed enough yet. Thunder realized that fate had put this mission into his and Alphabittle's hooves. He had only just met him and gotten over his fear of the unicorn stallion. But what little guard was inside him, made clear to Thunder what he had to do. Alphabittle was still considerably drunk, he couldn't let him go alone. He had to join him and do his best.
“I-I am.” Thunder stammered, his heart firmly sinking into his stomach. He set up a brave face, showing that he was willing to do his duty.
The crystals floated in the air above what remained of Sunny Starscout's lighthouse and home. The rainbow lights in the sky had disappeared hours ago, but the earth pony crystal, the pegasus crystal and the unicorn crystal still emitted a soft, blue light. A low humming came from them, as well, which Sprout could hear clearly once he got close to the crystals.
The Sprouticus Maximus was out of order. Not completely destroyed, but collapsed during the battle and lying on its side, it was of no use to him. Only heavy machinery or the unicorns with their magic could have lifted it, but neither had Sprout the one, nor did he want to utilize the other. The unicorns were enemies, they wouldn't help him and he didn't want their help. Sprout cried a silent tear for his creation, but he utimately wouldn't need it. He had plenty of time to come up with a better plan.
The remaining wreckage of the lighthouse was enough to build a not completely stable, but safe enough tower that would serve him in reaching the crystals. Earth ponies were strong, he didn't even need any magic for that, what would those unicorn low lives say about that?
Sprout was holding three leather bags in his mouth, one for each crystal, when he climbed up the tower constructed of remains of the home of a pony who had become one of his enemies, but who Sprout had secretly always perceived as an enemy.
Now Sprout stood in front of the crystals, listening to their humming. He readied his bags, as a voice cut through the darkness below him and let him freeze. The voice was not only cutting through the darkness, Sprout felt it cutting through his heart as well. It made him feel cold all of a sudden.
“I would think twice about this, buddy.” There was a clear threat present in the voice.
Sprout gritted his teeth. So somepony had seen him. “And who's down there?!” he shouted. He was discovered, he could play with open cards now.
Instead of a verbal answer, a light flickered in the darkness below and Sprout found himself looking at an illuminated horn. “A unicorn?” Sprout snickered as his eyes could identify Alphabittle. “And you want to stop me?!” Sprout's voice became shrieking now. “Ha!” He didn't pay mind to the unicorn stallion any longer and returned his attention to the trio of crystals. “Let's see how your magic will help you now!” Sprout reached out for the unicorn crystal, but before he could touch it, a mighty thrust hit his back and he struggled. Flailing his arms, Sprout remained to stay on his makeshift tower for the first few seconds after the first impact, but then he fell and hit the floor beneath him hard.
“Told you.” Alphabittle looked down at the fallen earth pony stallion with zero amount of pity in his eyes. He shrugged.
Sprout didn't move. The bags had fallen out of his mouth and he lay unconscious on the first floor of the lighthouse. Wingflaps came closer and Thunder landed next to Alphabittle. “D-Did we get him?”
Alphabittle nodded. “Buddy's out of it.”
Thunder looked down at Sprout with doubt in his eyes. “Wasn't it too easy?” he judged the quick defeat of the wanna-be tyrant.
“Eh.” Alphabittle shrugged again. “Some just don't know how to play.” He picked up Sprout with one of his strong hooves and placed him on his back. “Let's carry him back into the town. The real sheriff's got a free cell for him.”
While bringing the short distance to the center of Maretime Bay and the sheriff's office behind them, Thunder turned at Alphabittle. “And playing games is like art, isn't it?”
“Playing games is art,” Alphabittle confirmed, but corrected him at the same time. “Some know how to win, some don't.”
Thunder pondered the statement a little, then a lightbulb went on in his head. “And friendship is the same,” he added. “Making friends is also art.”
Thunder looked ahead at the street lights that brightened the entrance of Maretime Bay. The unicorn filly stood there, waving in excitement. He looked at Alphabittle and smiled, then back at the unicorn filly and his smile grew brighter. His heart felt at ease like it hadn't in a long time.
“I think I made art tonight.”
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By the gods, why would you put this here!?
I decided, by my own will, that I would read this fic. The title and the first part of the chapter intrigued me. I got distracted by your author's note (was making this comment). My gods, not only is it telling me not to read the fic, but it is also spoiling the chapter!
MY. GODS.
You know what? I legitimately like this fic. I'm going to read it and like it to spite you.
I love this filly singlehoofedly rebuking Alphabittle back into the room.
Hobbits!
First of all, this line amuses me for some reason. Second of all, I was under the impression that this room was actually quite large. This is actually pretty clever though: leading the reader into the scene with blinders so that when the environment is actually revealed it feels thematically relevant. Like, here the room can feel big because of the distance between Alphabittle and Thunder interpersonally. But then you reveal it's tiny when the distance closes! *Taps head,* smart.
This got a chuckle out of me.
I like how Thunder refers to Zipp as "Storm."
Honestly, I feel like in media these days, more emphasis is put on fight scenes. Fights scenes (IMO) are kind of lame. I think there is not enough attention put to the swift lethality of a short fall. Or the brutal repercussions of a rock moving at 15 miles an hour towards your face. Or harrowing trip to the ER after cutting through a zip tie and into your hand.
Also, frankly, this exactly how things should've turned out. A fight scene would've felt silly. Alphabittle runs a bar, is strong, and big, and has probably been in brawls himself (especially if you he behaves like that every time he drinks). Thunder (while cowardly), is a trained guard who has probably trained to fight. Against both drunkards, Sprout probably wouldn't have been able to fight in the first place.
Oh, I get it now, Alphabittle and Thunder are both drunk. Honestly, at the beginning of the chapter I thought they were both sober.
Nice. I enjoyed this ending.
Though admittedly I was expecting another chapter. I guess I came to this fic after trying to read the one fic that starts with Haven's carriage going over a bump, and that one has three chapters. So somewhere the wires got crossed in my brain.
I realize that you probably shouldn't edit this until the contest is over, but I am habitually unable to read a story with this problem and not point it out.
So the transition here is pretty smooth. So smooth that I forgot that there was a transition at all.
Whenever you transition between character perspectives, the common shorthand for that is the double paragraph break, like this:
It is a clear break that indicates a short time, or perspective change had occurred. Believe me your readers will thank you.
Edit: Added some things.
11120151
I'm just being honest. I love to celebrate my successes, but I also need to acknowledge my fails. And this story sucks so much that I just had to admit it in the Author's Notes, for the sake of my author reputation.
The Author's Notes are at the very bottom of the story.
How could it spoiler you, though?
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I love her, too. She is special, you see how special she is when watching the movie, so I am glad that I could write about her in this story and give her a meaningful role in it, as well as describe her personality and what she and Thunder have in common. Like I said, the first half of the story is much better than the second half.
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Now that you mention it..... Not intentional, but this paragraph sounds a lot like it could be part of a pony version of "The Hobbit" or "Lord of the Rings".
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I wish it were as clever as you make it sound here. But, unfortunately, I have to tell you it's not. Already the very first sentence of the story establishes the room as "tiny". This sounds like something that could have worked if I would have had more time left to write this story, if I didn't have to wing it so much by writing it in the last few hours before the deadline of the contest.
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Yeah, this also looked very funny in my head.
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He's actually not talking about Zipp, but another pony. Thunder's guard partner is called Storm, he is the guard who put the tennis ball on Izzy's horn. He is not mentioned by name in the movie, but his name is in the credits.
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I understand what you mean, the value of a fast and brutal defeat has something going for it. If it's written correctly. But I failed with this, even if the defeat of a villain (or more like antagonist in Sprout's case, he doesn't have what it takes to be a villain) happens swiftly with just one move, or rather especially then, it should be descriptive and detailed, in-depth; how did the hit by Thunder feel to Sprout exactly, what did Sprout think after it happened, how did he perceive falling to the ground? There is nothing of this, I just plainly wrote that Sprout got hit and fell and that was it.
The way I wrote it sounds very comedic, hence why I gave the story a comedy tag. But it was not my intent to make it comedic, it was supposed to be serious. I decided to add the comedy tag only later to salvage at least something and make the story look less embarrassing. No, I could have written this much better.
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No, only Alphabittle is drunk. Thunder is completely sober. An earlier part of the story has, albeit a little subtly, implied that Thunder doesn't like alcohol, for reasons that lie in his foalhood. But with how unintentionally comedic, if not to say cringy, the end of the story sounds, I can't blame you for thinking they are both drunk. I actually like this interpretation, it works better than what I was going for.
Maybe I could rewrite this story as a comedy on purpose one day.....
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That's something I am hearing for the first time. I have my story format settings on "Indented", so I see no space there. Normally I leave one spaced out line when there is such a change of perspective or scenery, but since I had to hurry so much with this story, I accidentally indented it and didn't notice that.
However, after playing around with the settings, I know that you should already see a spaced out line if you have your settings on "Double Spaced" and I can tell you have that setting since there is a space in the quote in your comment. If I add a space there, then I see one spaced out line with my settings and two spaced out lines with your settings.
I should have left an empty line there, but since you already see an empty line with your format settings, I wonder how it's possible that the line break didn't bring it across to you that there has been a transition. I don't see how two line breaks would add value to a scene transition or change of perspective and make it clearer. One line break suffices nicely to make clear that a transition happens.
That also brings me to question I would like to ask, why do you prefer "Double Spaced" as a format setting for stories? I always find it quite immersion-breaking and interrupting the reading flow of a story if each indent is displayed as a full line break between paragraphs.