• Member Since 5th May, 2012
  • offline last seen November 10th

Blue Horizon

Cleveland Cavaliers fan, Cleveland Browns fan, Plot creator, Gamer, Wannabe Sports Analyst, Scifi fan, and did I mention Cavs fan? Go Cavs!


This story is officially and now completely canceled. I was thinking about doing a rewrite but after going through the entire piece, the only thing even worth salvaging is our lovely CA pony. Which is why that she will be the only thing I'll keep. If you want to read the story still, go for it. But it won't be edited or changed or such from what is currently on there (I haven't checked in ... a long while). I know it's bad of me, but it is what it is. Hopefully the horrible writing and countless issues don't detract from my next story (when ever that will be).

--- (Original Below) ---
Steel has been in the Lunar Guard for months, working hard and doing all the right things. He gets the chance of the lifetime to prove himself for the Commanders. However, all dreams come with a cost and sometimes even worse, nightmares.

Cover Art is a work in Progress. Current picture is of a main character.

I would love to hear it from everypony! So please leave comments on what ya like and don't like, the more criticism the better!

I want to thank my good friend Coffee (Canvas Shade) for providing art for my story and reviewing/editing my story. I will be changing over editors for my other chapters due to his popularity based off his ongoing adventure. (Seriously, its a great story, so go read it!) (Link > http://www.fimfiction.net/story/45880/Committed%21- )

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 9 )

I remember when this was originally just a paragraph long mini story idea me or another (I forget now) brought to you. You pursued that idea further, grew and improved on it, and look at it now. You gonna submit it to Equestria Daily?


I plan on submitting it when I complete the first story, whether or not it is after my next or final chapter, I really don't know. It mostly depends on how often I hand write my story and when I get my laptop situation fixed.

Looking good so far, Blue! Story, picture, and all!

1431387 Thanks Coffee... you totally knew the first chapter before everyone else did... but now you are in the dark! ... until you read it ... We still totally need to work on the cover art for this story and the next xD

Starting to read.....

Let's see what happens in next installment of this fic if you're working on this still.


You know, I really wanted to continue this... but I had so many computer issues when I began the third chapter that it just turned me away from writing it. I still have the plot and everything saved, I even hand wrote the beginning of the third chapter. Now that I have my super secret awesome story that I am working on (and has many flaws still) I kinda don't really wanna write anything else but that one ya know? Which is really a shame because this story had so much potential. I loved the characters to death (Especially General Ore, who would have been introduced in the third chapter) but, it's just kinda... dead now. I am really thinking about just making this story into a one-shot, and being done with it, (obviously, different outcomes with the characters).

Alright, finished reading the chapter. And I already know what the problem is :twilightsmile: Time for constructive criticism (I am really sorry if I'm being too harsh. I'm just trying to help so please don't be mad):

The first thing that probably turned away your readers was the extremely repetitive sentence structure. It got better as you progressed (the end is MUCH better than the beginning), but it is still not entirely perfect. As to what repetitive sentence structure is: Look at your first paragraph. It's 'I did this, I did that, I moved there...' You started every sentence with 'I', then added a verb, and then continued. This, combined with too simple sentences (again , this got better as the story progressed, but it still needs some work), made the reading very difficult and dull.

The next thing was the number of grammar errors. It wasn't that bad (it was clear what you were trying to say), but it distracted me from the story. Tied to that was also the incorrect punctuation, but ignore that for now – focus on one thing first, and then do the other.

After that, I noticed the newspaper. Good idea, not so good execution, I'm afraid :fluttershysad:. The style in which it was written suggested a tabloid, rather than a respectable newspaper that Equestria Daily surely is :pinkiehappy:

The way you tried to explain why it had to be a mare was unsatisfactory. There are many men that are small and can move through small areas without damaging them. Also it could have been a child.

Then, on several occasions, you didn't explain things. What led them to believe she stole things out of revenge?

Back to the sentences: you tend to say the same thing twice.

The press conference ended abruptly after the question. The police chief entered the crime scene effectively ending the press conference.

Two sentences that only say that he ended the press conference. Similarly, you sometimes mention one thing twice in the same sentence.

After you fix the sentence structure, I'd advise you to look on the rule called 'show versus tell'. It will improve your work immensely, but is hard as hell to learn! I myself still have to battle with it. (but really, focus on more important things for now).

Another thing that you shouldn't try to fix just yet are missing descriptions. For example, you didn't describe the main character. You didn't even say that he's a pegasus (when you started writing about wings, it caught me off guard. I was like 'Wings? What wings?'). However, when you actually decide to include a description, it's usually nicely done. Oh and substituting description with an inner monologue doesn't count. Don't do that.

Throughout the chapter, I noticed that you have quite a rich vocabulary. Probably better than mine :pinkiehappy: Sadly, you do not use it to its full extent, as there were cases of word repetition.

Lastly, some tips: Do not make the prologue so long. Prologue is supposed to be short and to draw you in, to make you interested in the story. 9k is too long even for a regular chapter. Also, don't write so slowly (especially during the prologue), keep the story moving swiftly! You can go slow later, during some emotion heavy scenes after some major tragedy (or something like that), but never ever in prologue (characters are supposed to experience stuff and mull over it later, not the other way around). Also, why use 'vampire' when you can use 'vampony'? :pinkiehappy: (feel free to completely ignore me on that one).

There is also a thing that deserver praise, however. Character interactions seemed quite natural and believable. Keep it up!

Overall, I'd suggest a rewrite (not an edit, rewrite). I know it sounds harsh, but it's the prologue that attracts the reader. There are even writers saying 'If you can't attract the reader with the first 50 words, then the rest of your chapter doesn't mean a hill of beans' (50 words is a bit extreme, but I agree. You have to get the reader interested before he gets bored and moves on to find a different story!)

I hope this helps and that I managed to avoid offending you :twilightoops:


Oi, if I can give you all the cookies in the world, I would! :heart: This is EXACTLY what I needed 6 months ago! Needless to say, the story completely needs a re-write. I have by far learned from my mistakes, but no-one really pointed them out to me... Right now though, this story is way in the back burner, and but it definitely did have potential (I think). I really should have used vampony, and I am surprised I didn't. I may start the re-write shortly if you think it is worth a re-write. Whether or not I turn it into a one-shot is a whole nother story. But seriously... thank you SO MUCH!

I also messaged you showing, why it is in the backburner, and just how much my writing has improved... (You'd be surprised, I know I am!)! Anywho, ya... thank you so much!

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