Firings and Flying Trains
Twilight at least had not been lying about the train compartment - the two rows of seats facing each other looked very comfortable. Very, VERY comfortable. I’ve seen couches less comfortable than this, Rarity thought. Heck, I’ve seen beds less comfortable than this. She slipped into the compartment, claiming one of the window seats as her own. The two window seats shared a narrow table which she anticipated would soon be occupied by her tablet or at least copious amounts of notes. Twilight calmly took the window seat opposite her, and Miss Pie sat down next to Rarity, conscious of leaving her a fair amount of space.
“So,” Rarity said and gestured at the compartment, “we’re here. Let’s hear your plan. What’s the secret weapon?”
“Miss Belle, I wouldn’t call-”
She snapped her fingers. “Does the train fly? Is that it?”
“There-”
“Because it better fly; otherwise, I don’t see how we’ll beat Gilda’s sports car with a STEAM TRAIN with COZY BOUNCY SEATS!” She demonstrated the last part by bouncing on the seats in the most aggressive way possible. A part of her noted that it probably just made her look like a pouting child, but she was aggravated enough not to care.
“The flying locomotive is one platform further down, sorry,” Twilight informed her once Rarity had caught her breath.
Rarity raised an eyebrow and looked out of the window, following Twilight’s pointed finger. There was indeed another steam locomotive. It was almost entirely purple, and the purple robot face icon near its front gave it a vaguely sinister look. “That train actually flies?” She blinked. “How? And why aren’t we taking that?”
“Because Ponyville is in Equestria, not on Cybertron.” Twilight shrugged. “This is Astrotrain, Cybertron’s ambassador to Equestria. He is part of a hostile faction of machine entities called the Decepticons who want to enslave all humans, amass a substance called Energon, and conquer the universe, not necessarily in that order. When he is not relaying vague but empty threats to our government, he covers the occasional commute to Cybertron.”
There was a long pause. Finally, Rarity gave the locomotive another look. “Riiight,” she said, carefully choosing not to comment yet on whether or not she believed Twilight.
“Here, I’ll show you.” Twilight lowered the top half of their window and leaned out through it. “Good morning, Astrotrain!” she shouted.
“GOOD MORNING, MISS SPARKLE,” a booming, slightly distorted voice came from the train. It sounded foreboding but also quite polite. “HOW ARE YOU AND THE WIFE DOING?”
“Fine, thank you!” And with that, Twilight closed the window again and smiled.
No matter how long this train ride would be, Rarity felt that it wouldn’t be long enough for all the questions she had right now. Coupled with her sleep deprivation slowly catching up with her, she knew she had to focus on what was truly important right now: beating Gilda.
She was about to discard all thoughts about sentient space trains when suddenly, a horribly genius idea occurred to her. “So... what you’re saying is... that this... Astrotrain... can fly... and is looking for ‘humans,’ is that correct?”
“Well, yes, but-”
“So... hypothetically speaking, he would be going our way if somepony convinced him that there were ‘humans’ in Ponyville, right?”
Twilight’s smile froze.
Rarity started to grin and quickly turned to Miss Pie. “Madam Adjudicator,” she said before Twilight had a chance to protest, “since I’m not entirely sure about the minutiae of the contest rules, could you please weigh in on this change of plans?”
“Hm.” The pink Earth pony slowly tilted her head, and it occurred to Rarity that this was the most emotion she had shown all day. “Part of Miss Lestia’s company credo is that freedom is the right of all sentient beings, so I feel that sacrificing humans to a machine would create a slight conflict.”
“But there are no humans,” Rarity pointed out, reveling in the feeling of being one step ahead of both her hyper-competent assistant and one of the most feared employees of the company.
“That is correct,” Miss Pie conceded. “However, that brings us to the second issue: it is probably not wise to scam an ancient murder machine. Also, Miss Lestia has stated in the past that she has little interest in fighting the Decepticons again, so I believe I speak for the company when-”
“Miss Lestia did what now?” Rarity gawked at this. “Has Equestria been involved in some sort of actual conflict with a race of machine beings I literally never even heard of? Why? We have no humans, and I never heard of this ‘Energon,’ either.”
Both Miss Pie and Twilight exchanged meaningful glances. Finally, the former cleared her throat. “The war happened outside of the public eye and has been kept out of the history books for various reasons.”
“War? Miss Lestia, our boss, fought in a war against machine beings over non-existent humans?”
Miss Pie appeared to be uncomfortable with this line of questioning. “Officially, there was no war. Unofficially, I strongly advise against challenging Miss Lestia to a trial by combat over anything more meaningful than a restaurant bill.”
“Also, officially, there are no machine beings, so-”
“Yes, yes, fine, whatever.” Rarity cut off Twilight impatiently, even as more and more questions started to pile up in the back of her mind. “No flying train for me, I get it.” She focused on Twilight again. “So, how long is this trip going to take?”
“Eight hours,” Twilight replied immediately, once again not bothering to pretend that she had to think about it.
“EIGHT HOURS?” Rarity slammed the table with both hands. “EIGHT. HOURS?” She took a deep breath and barely resisted the urge to try punching her assistant. “Okay,” she wheezed and pressed her palms against her eyes. “Easy. Easy. The train probably goes in a straight line. Or something. But it’s slower than the Corvid. Much slower. The math doesn’t check out, does it? Does it?” She lowered her hands and gave Twilight a glare. “What is the estimate for a car to reach Ponyville?”
Twilight reached into her bag and retrieved a few seemingly random sheets of paper. “Miss Belle, there are multiple factors-”
“How long?”
“-one needs to take into account when-”
“HOW LONG, TWILIGHT?” The roar even made Miss Pie lean away a little bit.
There was a second of silence. “Four hours,” Twilight finally replied.
“Four hours?” Rarity felt an ice-cold dagger stabbing her intestines and slumped backward in her seat. “Four.”
It was over.
There was no way that Gilda would need more than four hours to close the deal. She had no idea what Twilight had been thinking, but she knew that her career was going to end hundreds of miles away from her destination.
Five minutes from now, she was going to cry. Ten minutes from now, she was going to consider jumping out of the train window. But now? Now? Now she was going to do something she should have done an hour ago.
“...you’re fired,” she whispered, her eyes focused on something infinitely far away.
“Miss Belle, you should get some sleep, and I will-”
“YOU’RE FIRED!” Rarity bolted out of her seat, summoning her last reserves to throw herself at her traitorous assistant. “YOU!” She batted away Twilight’s feeble attempt at defending herself. “ARE!” She wasn’t going to choke her, but she did grab Twilight’s head to make sure they were making eye contact. “FIRED!”
She stared down Twilight, her face inches from the other mare’s. Twilight’s eyes were wide, but then she somehow calmed down again. “You will have to call Personnel Resources,” she finally muttered. “They will also inquire about your reasons.”
A tiny part of her admired Twilight’s adherence to protocol even as she effectively guided Rarity on how to tank her career. “Sure. Sure.” She whipped out her cellphone and dialed the company’s main number.
“Good morning,” the operator picked up the phone after just one ring, “you have-”
“This is Rarity Belle from senior management,” she cut him off. “Patch me through to Personnel Resources.”
“...very well, please stand by,” the operator said after just a moment of hesitation.
Rarity flashed Twilight a cruel smirk. “I will burn your potted plant once I get back to the office,” she whispered while the hold music was still playing. “Never liked it, anyway.”
“Personnel Resources, this is Starlight Glimmer speaking,” a female voice finally interrupted the hold music.
“Good morning, Miss Glimmer,” Rarity said and sat up straight, determined to cling to her last moments of power in the company. “This is Rarity Belle from senior management. I want you to terminate the employment of my assistant, Miss Sparkle.”
For some reason, Miss Glimmer didn’t immediately respond. And when a reaction came, it wasn’t the one Rarity had anticipated: “You what? ...who?”
Rarity took a moment to look at her phone screen as if to make sure she had called the right company. “I want you to fire my assistant. Her name is Twilight A. Sparkle. But the ‘A’ is silent.” Not the right choice of words, but whatever. Sounds nice.
“...Sprkle?” Miss Glimmer asked, sounding equal parts confused and amused.
“The other one, Miss Smarty Pants,” Rarity hissed. “Don’t make me file a termination request for you, too. Look, just type her name into your computer! There is going to be only one employee with that name!”
“There are two entries for ’T. A. Sparkle,’ actually.”
What are the odds? “Nopony cares! Pick either! Pick both! Keep firing them until you get the right one! Do your job while you still have one!”
“Right. Right.” She could hear Miss Glimmer typing furiously. “Reason for the termination?” A pause. “For her, not me.”
“Willful sabotage of my business trip with the aim of ending my career.” Her voice almost cracked as she was saying that. Almost. “She threw away my shot at arriving at least shortly after Gilda, and now I’m stuck in a train that doesn’t even fly!”
“Few trains do that, actually,” Miss Glimmer remarked even as she was still typing. “Right. So. According to the travel plans you filed-”
“TWILIGHT MADE ME SIGN THOSE! YOU NEED TO SEE THROUGH HER LIES!”
There was a long pause as Miss Glimmer apparently checked her ear for hearing loss. “Well, since this is looking like it will be a contested case, I will have to run it past the Head of Personnel Resources. She is currently on a business trip, but I will make sure that she will take care of your request first thing next year.”
“NEXT YEAR?” Rarity gestured wildly. “I don’t have until next year! I need her fired immediately! Call your boss! Send smoke signals! Astral project! I don’t care how you contact her; just do it! Right now!”
“...of course, Miss Belle. I will call you back.”
“There you go.” Rarity smirked and ended the call. Then she sneered at Twilight, who was only looking mildly uncomfortable. “You will pay, Twilight. This is the price of your betrayal! I don’t know what sway Gilda or your precious wife have over you, but-”
A phone started to ring, and it wasn’t Rarity’s.
“Excuse me,” Twilight muttered and reached into her jacket pocket to retrieve her phone. “Sparkle,” she answered the call. “Good morning, Starlight!”
Starlight? As in Starlight Glimmer? Why did she call Twilight? She said she’d call her boss, not- Rarity let out a quiet wheeze. Oh, no...
“...yeah. ...yeah, she is a bit aggravated.”
This is not happening. I must have woken up in some sort of nightmare dimension.
“Mh. Exactly. The travel plans have been properly signed and filed, which should be enough to at least- ...that, yes. Yes.” She blinked when she saw Rarity’s look of disbelief. “Ah, hold on for a moment.” And with that, she reached into another pocket. A moment later, she slipped the second “Do not get mad for withholding information” favor over the table, ignoring Rarity’s slightly insane laugh. “Sorry, back now. Where was I...? Oh, right. Filed properly, needs to be contested, not our department, yadda, yadda, yadda. Besides, we’ll still reach Ponyville first, so this was just Miss Belle jumping the gun. Her application will be withdrawn by this time tomorrow, so just ignore it until then. ...mh, you, too, bye!”
Rarity watched blankly as Twilight stuffed her phone back into her pocket. “You... you...” Her phone rang, and she briefly considered just not answering it. Still, even with her doomed career, she felt obliged to see things through. “Hello?”
“Good morning, Miss Belle, this is Starlight Glimmer from-”
“Your boss is Twilight A. Sparkle?”
There was a pause. “She goes by T. Asmodeus Sparkle in our department,” Miss Glimmer finally half-corrected her. “But the ’T’ is silent,” she added, and Rarity could almost hear her grin.
She hung up without dignifying that with an answer. “Pillow?” she simply asked Twilight, who immediately produced a large, white pillow from her seemingly bottomless purse. “Thank you.” And with that, she pressed the pillow against her face and screamed into it for half a minute, removing it only when she was running out of air. “Thanks,” she croaked and slumped backward again.
It took her a moment to figure out what had changed during her fit, but she finally realized that the train had started its journey. Canterlot’s suburbs were moving past the window at a leisurely pace. No backing out now; we’re committed.
A part of her wanted to call it quits right there. However, another one was finally done reviewing all the new information she had been exposed to. And it wanted answers. “You-” She gladly accepted the water bottle Twilight had just pulled from her bag and took a big gulp. “You’re the Head of Personnel Resources?” she finally asked, starting on a fairly neutral note. “How can you possibly juggle being my assistant and that? And what made you apply for that position? Surely it wasn’t the money.”
“Ah, remember how, a few years ago, the Writers Guild of Equestria went on strike, thus delaying and sidelining-”
She was silenced when Rarity leaned forward and placed a finger on her lips. “If you are going to tell me that you literally applied to be the Head of Personnel Resources because there was nothing good on TV, I am going to strangle you with your own mane.”
Twilight considered this before giving Rarity a sheepish smile. “Next question?” she finally asked.
“...this is depressingly on-brand for you, darling,” Rarity remarked before letting out a sigh. “Fine. Next question.” She paused. “Wait, if you’re the Head of Personnel Resources, does that mean that you could fire me?” Not that it makes much of a difference right now...
“No,” Twilight patiently replied. “Only your higher-up can have you fired. In this case, that would be Miss Lestia or somepony directly authorized to speak on her behalf.” She motioned at Miss Pie. “However, the request would go through my department in such an event. So my signature would be somewhere on the paperwork.”
“Well, it’s a relief that you at least can’t fire me out of retaliation.”
“Why would I?”
“Because-...” Rarity frowned. This is all part of some inane, larger-than-life master plan, isn’t it? She somehow provoked me into trying to fire her. I have no idea WHY, but I know a setup when I see one. I’d ask for details, but I can barely comprehend those even when I’ve had some sleep and am not on the receiving end of them, so... next question. She took a deep breath. “...Asmodeus?” she asked. “Is that actually what the ‘A’ stands for?”
Twilight grimaced and simply flashed her ID. “Yes.”
Despite - or maybe because - of the cavalcade of mostly negative twists and turns, Rarity couldn’t help but laugh at seeing Twilight’s full name in print. “Twilight Asmodeus Sparkle?”
“Whenever I ask my parents about it, they change the subject,” Twilight sighed. “Speaking of which: next question.”
Rarity barely managed to hold back more teasing questions. Okay. Time for the big question. “You told Miss Glimmer that we would reach Ponyville first...?”
Twilight hesitated but then gave her a tiny, knowing smile. “There is a 95% chance of us arriving about two hours before Miss Dawnstar, yes.”
Rarity let out a tiny, insane giggle. She had no idea what Twilight was up to, but somehow, hearing the confirmation alone put her at ease. “Fine, I guess 95% beats our odds with the Mustang,” she conceded. “I’m not sure what crazy plan of yours delays Gilda by... six or so hours, but I’m guessing you’re not going to tell me right away, right?” When Twilight just shrugged apologetically, she sighed. “Fine. Just tell me what happens if your 95% don’t pan out.”
“The other 5% would cover Miss Dawnstar being paranoid enough to pre-empt my plan.” Twilight rummaged in her bag and pulled out what looked like a small remote control. “In that case, I would detonate the bomb I planted in the Corvid as a last resort.”
“...I’m almost certain that that’s just your garage opener, Twilight,” Rarity whispered after a long pause, “but just in case, I want you to hand the remote over to Miss-”
Twilight pushed a button on the remote.
“-NO!” Rarity yelped, then mentally kicked herself for falling for Twilight’s bluff literally five seconds after calling it. “...I hate you so much sometimes...”
Twilight chuckled and stuffed the remote back into her purse. “I apologize, Miss Belle. On a more serious side, those last 5% are indeed a major risk, but I figured you’d approve of a 95% chance of getting a multi-hour advantage over your rival.”
“I do. I do.” Rarity waved her hand. She leaned into her seat - with the mild swaying of the train, it somehow felt even more comfortable. I could think of worse ways to spend eight hours... “So...” She waved her hand again, this time more aimlessly.
“Shall I begin briefing you on Ponyville and Sweet Apple Acres?” Twilight volunteered and retrieved a metric ton of papers from her purse.
“Ah... yeah, sure... sure...” Rarity said, even though a briefing was not her most pressing concern right now. I need coffee... and breakfast... and a time machine so I can go back to last night and actually get some sleep...
“Excellent. I shall begin by briefing you on the Apple family.” Twilight shuffled her papers until she had found a page that was filled with names, neatly arranged into five columns, printed in a tiny font.
“...big family?” Rarity asked, trying to pretend to be interested.
“Quite.” Twilight didn’t seem to notice her boss’s lack of more active interest. “The head of the family is called Granny Smith. However, her grandkids effectively manage the farm: Big McIntosh, Applejack, and Apple Bloom. Further members of the family include...” She cleared her throat. “Apple Fritter... Apple Bumpkin... Red Gala... Red Delicious... Golden Delicious... Caramel Apple... Apple Strudel... Apple Tart...”
Rarity nodded drowsily. She realized that Twilight was reading the names too slowly... and with far too little inflection... which made it hard... to pay close attention...
“Baked Apples... Apple Brioche... Apple Cinnamon Crisp... Apple Cider... Apple Cobbler... Apple Honey... Apple Munchies... Gala Appleby... Jonagold... Lavender Fritter... Peachy Sweet...”
Gotta stay focused... but... it’s just... a list... so dull... just going... to rest my eyes... for one... second...
Pinkamena watched as Miss Belle closed her eyes. There was some fight left in the unicorn, but somewhere after the twentieth or so name, her breathing slowed visibly, and she started to lean towards the window.
Miss Sparkle quickly moved the pillow with her magic and expertly caught her boss’s head, taking great care to let her rest comfortably. “There you go,” she whispered. After a few seconds, once she was sure that her boss was fast asleep, she finally made eye contact with Pinkamena.
There was a word for the emotion she was experiencing, but she couldn’t quite place it yet.
Strictly speaking, Miss Sparkle was not part of her assignment. Miss Lestia had provided her with a detailed list of things to watch out for, and for some inane reason, “Twilight Sparkle, stunt driver, friend of the Decepticons (looking back, her coat color should have tipped Pinkamena off early on), and potential abuser of precognitive powers,” had not been on it. An oversight? she wondered.
“You seem tense,” Miss Sparkle finally said, lowering her voice a little bit to avoid waking up Miss Belle.
“I’m fine, Miss Sparkle.”
“You may call me Twilight.”
Pinkamena narrowed her eyes. There were diplomatic ways to handle it, and there were ways that involved her lying to the police about why a fellow employee had decided to eat her luggage. “Is Miss Belle aware that you have rigged this entire show so far, Miss Sparkle?”
Coupled with her even and slightly accusatory tone, that question was usually enough to make ponies break down and confess. Miss Sparkle merely rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. You can do better than that.”
“So is that a no, then?” Pinkamena tried but gritted her teeth when the other pony didn’t take the bait. “Is Miss Lestia aware that you’re playing your own game in the middle of this assignment?”
Twilight Sparkle gave her a wide, almost predatory smile, and Pinkamena suddenly knew what her earlier emotion was called: fear. Not fear of anything physical - the unicorn probably weighed a hundred pounds soaking wet and wouldn’t have all that many defenses against sudden defenestration - but rather an almost primal fear that Pinkamena usually only experienced when Miss Lestia was up to something.
Pinkamena pulled out her cellphone. “I’m going to tell Miss Lestia that you’re sabotaging her contest for your own sick pleasure, and then I will throw you out of this window. Let’s see if Thomas The Decepticon Tank Engine catches you.” Without waiting for an answer, she thumbed Miss Lestia’s entry in her contact list.
Miss Lestia picked up after the first ring. “Good morning, Pinkamena. You’re early.”
“Ma’am, I-...” She frowned. “Early?”
“Please don’t tell me you have threatened Twilight with violence already...”
She had never been quite sure where Miss Lestia really stood on the subject of hospitalizing coworkers, but she was also a terrible liar. “Not threatened per se.”
“So you promised it?” A chuckle.
“...yes.”
“Good, good.” Miss Lestia paused. “Well, not the violence part, but that you didn’t go through with it yet. After all, it would be a shame if you had disposed of my little pet mastermind before she had fulfilled her special assignment for me.”
Pinkamena’s grip on the phone tightened. “Special assignment?” she wheezed.
Opposite her, Miss Sparkle calmly reached into her apparently bottomless purse and pulled out an envelope, which she placed on the table. Pinkamena already knew what would be written on it, but she still looked to confirm that the impeccable handwriting spelled out “Special Assignment: Twilight A. Sparkle.”
A part of her wanted to take the envelope and read through its content. Special assignments were rare and tended to have far-reaching consequences for everypony involved. But at the same time, she knew that the content of this envelope was strictly for the recipient’s eyes only (and that they were usually protected by powerful and creative enchantments). She took a deep breath when she remembered another fact about them: they were a sign of absolute trust. “Why was I not briefed on this?”
Miss Lestia laughed quietly. “Because you’re about to be.”
As if on cue, Miss Sparkle moved the envelope to the side, revealing a second envelope. Pinkamena gave it a long, hard stare before picking it up.
Written on the envelope were the words “Special Assignment: Pinkamena D. Pie.”
“Is there a reason why you didn’t give me my actual assignment in person?” It took a few tries, but she eventually managed to open the envelope with one hand. Times like these make me question my decision to not get a headset...
“Oh, but I did!” Miss Lestia laughed lightly. “You are the Adjudicator, and that is your task here. The envelope just contains a few extras.”
“I’m not amused.”
“You never are,” Miss Lestia told her. “That’s the problem.”
Instead of questioning that comment, Pinkamena unfolded the contents of the envelope, careful to not let Twilight see what was written on the sheets of paper. She was halfway certain that the unicorn knew what Pinkamena was about to read, but halfway certain was not fully certain, so she decided to play it safe. There was a cover letter of sorts, plus several attachments. She took a look at the letter.
>>>Dear Pinkamena,
>>>if all goes according to plan, you are going to-
She raised an eyebrow when she read the rest of the sentence. Then, after some consideration, she also raised the other one. With a flick of her wrist, she revealed the first attachment and cursed under her breath. “Well, now.”
“Yes.” Miss Lestia paused, giving her a chance to voice objections. When none came, she exhaled softly. “Do what is right, Pinkamena. Just keep in mind that you’re not the only one on this mission who has my complete trust.”
She gave Miss Sparkle a look. “...thank you for clearing things up.” And with that, she hung up and took a long breath. “It has been a while since I had an interesting task. Let’s see what you got in store for us.”
Miss Sparkle shrugged apologetically. “Not that much more, I’m afraid. You now know that I’m working against the clock, and I don’t know what will happen once we reach Ponyville. Which is why I decided to have as much fun as I could on the way.” She gestured at Miss Belle, who was still fast asleep.
Pinkamena raised an eyebrow. “That’s a lie, and you know it. You made sure to max out Miss Belle’s adrenaline to make her crash. Everything you did today, you did for her.” She leaned forward. “It doesn’t take a detective to realize that you are quite smart and possibly possess literal precognitive powers. So the only question is what the limits of those powers are that you may not be able to use them in Ponyville.”
“Heh.” Miss Sparkle leaned back in her seat and gave her a lazy smile. “Please, I can’t see the future. Anypony who thinks that is simply too afraid to consider the alternative: I’m not quite smart, I’m extremely smart.”
Pinkamena really felt reminded of her conversations with Miss Lestia at this point. “Hm. I believe I’m starting to understand. You scripted out multiple pathways and seamlessly guided the action along them to ensure the desired outcome. That’s why the race felt so natural, right? It wasn’t scripted because there was no one script to follow. And you do not see the future but keep the present on a very tight leash.”
“Excellent; I can see why Miss Lestia praised your observational skills. Yes, there were dozens of ways this race could have played out, and all of them had us ending up on this train. And now that we’re all on the same page, there is only one thing left to do.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a slightly oversized gun.
“Um.”
Noticing the way Pinkamena was tensing up, Miss Sparkle grinned. “Oh, please. I doubt this thing could put a dent in you.” Without breaking eye contact, she pulled down the window with a flick of her magic, pointed her gun through it, and pulled the trigger.
The flare shot into the sky with a loud hiss before exploding into a bright green shower of fireworks.
“I fail to see what purpose-”
Somewhere above them, a second train whistled. Pinkamena looked up through the window, then paled under her bright pink coat.
Astrotrain had been following them and was now slowly altering his course towards a new destination.
“What did you?” she whispered.
“Hopefully bought us a few hours,” Miss Sparkle replied, still grinning. “Now... as long as Miss Belle is asleep, do you have any further questions?”
Pinkamena slumped back into her seat, stunned. “Well, since you’re asking...” She gestured vaguely. “Do you have something to soothe my nerves? I feel I need it before I dare to ask how you managed to bribe a Decepticon.”
Miss Sparkle’s grin widened, and she pulled a large vacuum flask out of her purse. “Finally, somepony who appreciates that I brought tea!” She quickly poured a cup and handed it to Pinkamena. “And I did not bribe a Decepticon. Astrotrain and I go way back, and he still owed me a favor.”
Pinkamena looked from her to the cup, then back at her. “I changed my mind,” she finally muttered. “Is there alcohol in that bottomless purse of yours, Miss Spa-... Twilight?”
“-nudge her some more, maybe?”
“Mhrgh?” Rarity asked.
“Well, there you go. Now give me my flare gun back.”
“...mhhhrgh?” She blinked against the light. For a moment, she wondered why she had not closed the curtains, but her memory quickly came back in full force. “Bwah!” She quickly shook her head as she realized that she must have fallen asleep while Twilight had been reciting the names of the Apple family. “Terribly sorry, darling, I must’ve nodded off for a second!” She rubbed her eyes, then squinted at her secretary. Something was... off. Something had... changed. “...did you do something with your make-up?”
Twilight raised an eyebrow at that before thinking about the question. “Ah, I suppose it looks a bit different in the current lighting.”
Current lighting? Rarity looked through the window. Ah, she’s right, I suppose. The sun’s much higher now than it was-... She paled. “WHAT TIME IS IT?”
Twilight made a show of checking her watch. “It is now-”
“THIS LOOKS LIKE NOON!” She hastily grabbed her cellphone and pushed a button to turn on the display. “IT’S ALMOST TWO IN THE AFTERNOON?”
“I would have let you sleep for another hour or so, but I reason that you might want to take an hour or so to eat something and freshen up before we-”
“GILDA!” Rarity gestured this way and that. “DID SHE-...” Her rational side finally managed to tackle her panic. “-...no, wait, you’re way too calm about this. Gilda hasn’t made it to Ponyville yet, has she?” When Twilight gave her a tiny, but very knowing smile, she let out a sigh of relief.
“Speaking of Miss Dawnstar, you have a few missed calls.”
Rarity checked her phone again. Her notifications about missed calls were indeed piling up. “Before I call her and gloat, what do I need to know?”
Twilight tilted her head a little bit. “I believe it’s more important to keep in mind what you don’t officially know.”
What I don’t officially know? Is that a play on the whole secret war with these... what were they called... Decepticons? Why would she bring this up again? It has nothing to do with me calling Gilda about her not arriving-... Her eyes widened. “...what did you do?” she whispered.
Twilight took a deep breath and averted her eyes. “Why don’t you let Miss Dawnstar explain?”
Oh, no... Licking her lips nervously, she tapped one of the call notifications and put the phone on the table so that Twilight would be able to listen in.
“Yeesh, about time, dweeb!” Gilda picked up after two rings. “I was starting to think your phone flew out of a window during the race!”
“I was catching up with some sleep,” Rarity replied, careful to not give too much away too early.
There was a pause. “Wow, you managed to fall asleep despite being stuck in second place?”
Rarity allowed herself a smile but kept her voice neutral. “Ah, remember that time I tried out those audiobooks on meditation techniques?”
Another pause. “...no?” Gilda finally both answered and asked. “I’m fairly certain you never mentioned anything like that.”
Because I just made it up. “Well, anyway... you called?”
“Yeah, because-... Hold on, did your secretary bring you up to speed?”
“She told me you’d do that.”
A deep breath. “Okay, as you probably realized by now, your car isn’t moving even though you’re not yet in Dweebville, right?”
“...right,” Rarity replied after a second of hesitation. Very strictly speaking, it wasn’t even a lie.
“...you seem oddly relaxed about this.”
“Well... I guess... your car isn’t moving, either?”
“Yeah, cars tend to stop moving once they run out of fuel.” There was a pause as Gilda was likely trying to determine if Rarity was acting or if she was actually oblivious. “...Twilight seriously didn’t bring you up to speed, did she?”
“Afraid not.”
“And you also didn’t bother to check ANY news?”
Rarity froze. So far, none of Twilight’s plans had caused actual headlines, and Rarity had wanted it to stay this way. “Um.”
“Anzû help me,” Gilda muttered under her breath. “Look, I’ll make it short because you can read all about it on virtually any news site, anyway. All the fuel in a hundred-mile radius is GONE.”
“What do you mean? Fuel can’t just-”
“STOLEN! Some bandits stole all the fuel from all the gas stations in a hundred-mile radius!”
Rarity gave her phone a confused look. “...how did that happen? How would you even steal all the fuel from a gas station? Don’t they have huge tanks?”
Gilda groaned. “Look, dweeb, nobody knows, alright? All we know so far is that all gas stations have run dry, and the owners encouraged folks to try to make it to the next one or to the nearest motel. And all of them claim that they saw nothing, which means that either there was some sort of... I dunno... tunneling crew? Or that the robbers threatened them. Either way, we don’t know who took the fuel or how.”
“This doesn’t make any sense; how would anybody have the resources to steal several truckloads worth of fuel? Just for transportation alone, you’d need a whole line of trucks or some sort of-...” Her mouth went dry, and she looked at Twilight in horror. “-...train.”
Twilight gave her the faintest of shrugs.
Gilda either hadn’t noticed the pause or slight change in tone, or she didn’t care. “Yeah, though there aren’t any train tracks anywhere near the freeway.”
“...flying trains don’t need those,” Rarity whispered and slowly shook her head in disbelief.
“Flying-...?” Gilda scoffed at that. “Trixie, good news, you’re not the dumbest pony I talked to today anymore!”
“Ha-haaa!” Trixie’s voice could be heard from a slight distance. “The Great and Powerful Trixie once again beats the odds!” A pause. “What did she say?”
“Something about flying trains.”
“Ah.” Another pause. “Oh, no. What if the Decepticons sent their flying space train over and-”
“Aaand the title goes right back to you, Trixie,” Gilda cut off her assistant. “Congratulations, Rarity, it appears that you will only ever be second best, even in failure.”
Rarity allowed herself a thin-lipped smile. It was time to strike. “I come first where it matters. Such as the race.”
“Buzz off. Trixie was smart enough to get us back to the last gas station when she realized that we wouldn’t make it to the next one. Once a fuel truck comes in, we’re going to burn rubber. So even if you are also parked next to a gas station, you are still behind. So tell me, future coffee maid, are you banking your entire career on being serviced first and then catching up with us in the time it takes for a truck to reach our station?”
“Oh, don’t be silly. Of course I don’t.”
Rarity’s complete lack of anxiety made Gilda pause for a second. “Then what? You didn’t overtake us, and your car is out of fuel. How would you ever-”
“What car?”
“-...what do you mean, WHAT CAR? The car you are sitting in! The car I flipped off in our rear-view mirror when we hit the on-ramp! The car that is now stranded just like ours!”
Years of practicing her best condescending laugh finally paid off. “Ah-ha-ha, oh my goodness! Oh, Gilda...”
“What?”
“Gilda, Gilda, Gilda...”
“WHAT?”
“That car is sitting in a parking lot in Canterlot.”
“...what?”
Ohhh, that moment was SO worth all the trouble! I’ll give Twilight a raise if we actually pull this off. Or even better, make her Assistant Location Manager. She absolutely deserves it. “You see, Gilda-...” She paused. If I give Twilight all the credit, Gilda might take out her anger on Trixie for failing to think ahead just as much. “You see... when I reviewed our travel plans last night, it occurred to me that the car might break down or run into other problems during such a long ride.”
“...four hours is NOT a long-”
“So I wanted to play it safe.” She paused for full effect. “So we took the train.”
“...you took the train,” Gilda echoed, and Rarity could practically hear her will to live ebbing away. “Trixie?” she finally asked. “Why did you take us on a road trip when THERE IS A TRAIN THAT IS JUST AS FAST?”
Much to her credit, Trixie didn’t sound particularly intimidated. “There isn’t.”
“BECAUSE WE ARE STUCK NOW WHILE RARITY-...” Gilda stopped herself as her brain finally parsed the words. “There isn’t?”
“Of course there isn’t. If there was, they would have arrived, what, more than an hour ago? Besides, if there was, I would have told you.”
“But... but... then why did she go with an option that is so much slower? This would make absolutely no sense unless she was certain that-...” There was a long pause. “But... but...”
“Gilda.” When no answer came, Rarity knew that it was time to skip any further banter and instead deliver the coup de grâce. “Three sugars and a little bit of milk. You better get around to memorizing my coffee preference early - I don’t tolerate mistakes in my baristas.”
“YOU MOTHER-”
Rarity tapped the icon to end the call. “YES!” She slammed her hands on the table, making the phone jump slightly. “YES, YES, YES! OH, THAT WAS PERFECT!”
Twilight allowed herself a slight smile of her own. “Thank you for keeping Trixie out of harm’s way, Miss Belle.”
“Anything for my new Assistant Location Manager,” Rarity purred.
Miss Pie shifted in her seat but didn’t say anything. Twilight’s smile froze for a second, but she recovered quickly.
I can see not everypony shares my enthusiasm or optimism, but that’s fine. We’ll work this out. We won. Her phone rang, and Rarity wasn’t surprised to see the word “GILDA” on the screen. (She would have given the contact a more creative name, but knowing her luck, Miss Lestia would have spotted it at a bad time.) She tapped the screen. “Good afternoon, you have reached the future Location Manager of the Ponyvi-”
“SHUT THE-” Gilda’s scream was cut short by a weak croak. “Damn,” she rasped.
“Water?” Trixie’s voice was quiet but firm - a solid indicator that Gilda indeed hadn’t taken out her rage on her.
“Gimme.” There was a pause as Gilda took a big gulp. “Thanks.” A loud cough. “Rarity, you listenin’?”
“Sure, but be quick about it - I would like to sample the offerings of this train’s restaurant before we arrive in Ponyville. You know what they say - you shouldn’t buy an apple farm on an empty stomach.”
Another pause. “You will go to prison, Rarity,” Gilda finally hissed.
“Prison? Goodness, are you sure that was water? Because-”
“Listen closely. I don’t know how you did it, I don’t know how much you spent, but I do know that you’re behind this fuel heist. I am about to call the cops, and I will tell them that you banked your career on an option that would only be faster than our car in the one-in-a-million case that SOMEHOW, ALL GAS STATIONS-” Another cough, followed by a second gulp. “-that somehow, all gas stations magically run dry, leaving us stranded.”
Rarity gulped - it had not occurred to her that this stunt would have legal consequences. Well, it had occurred to her, what with the ancient murder machine apparently threatening gas station attendants with bodily harm if they blabbed, but it hadn’t occurred to her that Gilda would make the connection. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her about traveling by train. Then again, our travel plan is still accessible on the company intranet, so this isn’t exactly a secret. She frowned.
Twilight quietly snapped her fingers to catch Rarity’s attention. Then she quickly smiled and shook her head, followed by a surprisingly rude gesture aimed at the phone.
Okay, my miracle worker is on it. Somehow. Rarity sighed in relief. “Sure, you do that, darling. It’s not like you have anything else to do for the next couple of hours.” She tapped the screen to end the call before Gilda had a chance to reply. “Please tell me how this isn’t going to end with me going to jail, Twilight.”
Twilight shrugged. “Of course not, Miss Belle. Nopony has been harmed beyond simple delays. Part of the earlier blockade arrangement had been to divert as much traffic away from this route as possible, although it’s typically just used by trucks or for casual road trips, anyway. Astrotrain has already informed the authorities of his deeds and has taken full responsibility. The police have been instructed to smile and nod if anybody calls in with hot tips, but the case has already been closed. The whole thing will internally go down as a tense moment in Equestria’s relations with Cybertron while the public will be fed some convenient fairytale. Astrotrain will invoke diplomatic immunity, the stolen fuel will be returned tomorrow, yadda, yadda, yadda.”
Rarity nodded slowly, as if Twilight had not just ended a bombshell disclosure in the most flippant way possible. “...may I ask you a question?” She finally whispered. “Why did somepony like you become a secretary?”
“Guess.” For the second time today, Twilight was looking miserable. “I’ll give you a tip: It’s very, ah, depressingly on-brand for me, but not because there wasn’t anything good on TV.”
Rarity narrowed her eyes. “...you lost a bet, didn’t you?”
Instead of answering, Twilight made a show of sighing loudly. Then she checked her watch. “I’ll walk you to the restaurant and brief you there on what we know about Ponyville and Sweet Apple Acres. Miss Pie has already volunteered to look after our luggage. Oh, and you might want to call Starlight Glimmer at some point to undo my attempted firing.”
“What will it take to make you tell me the details?” Rarity couldn’t help but grin.
“There is not enough money or alcohol in the world to make me do that,” Twilight replied drily as she scooted past Miss Pie. “Follow me, please.”
Notes, inspiration, credits:
- This was supposed to go live a week ago, but my computer nearly borked itself while trying to upgrade the OS. Fun times! Also, here's your mandatory reminder to regularly back up your files! It's all fun and games until your computer refuses to boot.
- Anyway. This chapter is about peak crazy for this fic. Things will quiet down a bit from here.
- I genuinely don't know why so many of my fics involve ambassadors. I guess the idea of diplomatic immunity fascinates me?
- My headcanon middle name for Twilight is back as well, so this chapter truly has all my little quirks.
- Anzû is a mythological being in several Mesopotamian religions. In some accounts, he was depicted as a lion-headed eagle, so the thought of eagle-headed lions regarding him as a patron saint or god amuses me to no end.
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I beg your pardon?
... Is that Astrotrain?
Oh my god it is.
Oh my god, she wasn't joking.
Wait a minute, AGAIN?
I get the feeling Twilight has a thing she's getting to.
Oh boy.
There are?
Yeah.
... I have questions.
She would.
I'd love to know how that works given that it'll take her half the time it'll take you by your math.
Given her explosion earlier, no.
Oh boy.
Thomas the- is she talking about Astrotrain or an actual Thomas The Tank Engine who's also a Decepticon?
There's so many layers to this.
Which I find very worrying.
Oh boy.
I personally find that EXTREMELY worrying.
And compromise her own entertainment?
... Pardon fuck?
That's why Astrotrain was around.
She knows about the- Of course she does.
Gotta love moments like this.
You smug motherfucker.
Oh my god.
Damn.
Um.
I mean, I do generally like this and I look forward to whatever shenanigans await in Ponyville, but … well, if ever something needed to be explained in your A/N, the apparently plot-crucial presence of Transformers in this not-marked-as-a-crossover fic is probably it. Cuz that’s a lot of “wait what am I reading” moments I just went through.
Also,
11172984
Your first few reactions were clearly taken straight from my head as I was reading this.
11172984
Ahhhh, this fic may not get me the most comments ever, but the comments I do get are so worth it.
Case in point. XD
The former - I really like having my characters coming up with oddball nicknames and descriptors on the fly. Those Skyrim memes where modders replaced dragons with Thomas The Tank Engine totally factored into this.
He prolly lost a bet, considering how esp. Twilight and Rarity seem to have a problem with those.
Which opens up the frightening prospect of a universe where this Twilight Sparkle is indebted to the Decepticons.
11174972
Ehhh, Astrotrain's more of a crazy cameo. I did briefly consider tagging it as a Crossover, but it would have felt like false advertising, considering that the tags are more for central or notable themes in a fic. He is an important part of Twilight's insane scheme, but he just has one line of dialogue, most of his activities happen off-screen, and he is more of a highly amusing one-shot plot device. No Transformers in Ponyville, I'm afraid.
Because Mayor Mare fought them off back in the war and declared Ponyville to be neutral territory.(Just kidding.Probably.)Love the story thus far :)
When the next chapter will be posted btw?
11224787
Thank you! The original plan had been weeks ago, but it had been a busy time, so I'm hoping for this weekend.