- Member Since 19th Jun, 2013
- online
Vic Fontaine
Author & Editor; Chief Apprentice in Loyal's House of Fanfic; Lt. in the Army of Biscuit; Does Bad Things for Bad Horse; Runs a Nightclub on Holodeck 2.
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- Radiant Dawn · 39k words · 44 8 · 1.4k views
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Chapter 1
Incredibly cute, sets up some drama, and has a few funny bits. I have no idea what people could complain about here, this is genuinely interesting and well written. Maybe some people don't like characters with realistic problems? I do, tho...
On to chapter 2.
Chapter 2:
If I had a complaint it's that the chapter is too sweet. Loved the cheesy dialog and flirting, along with the more direct flirting at the end. Maybe too "perfect?" With the gifts? But that seems fine, all things considered.
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I knew Roseluck's gift to Rarity would be a bit too perfect, but I was on a good writing pace at the time so since the idea sounded workable I just ran with it. xD
On the flipside, Rarity looking to upgrade Rose's mane care toolkit seemed very on brand for her. :)
Chapter 3:
That was fun, cute, and sexy. Missed an opportunity not smelling burning dinner and getting takeout.
Very well written, but have too many chekhovs guns that never fire. I know you need lots of details for background, but use them! If you describe a thing, or a situation, you can call back or reference it somewhere. You did very, very well doing this with the core elements of the story (the list, the mistletoe, presents, etc) but the drama about the aunt isn't relevant past the first chapter, along with many other more minor story details. Even something as simple as Roseluck mentioning how much she loves rarity's horn and throwing some shade at aunt asshole would have been nice.
Still, that's a minor comment, not a complaint. No idea why your story is getting such a rough score. It's high tier work.
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Thanks for the feedback! I agree, I probably did leave a few minor callback opportunities on the table, but to be honest, I was so happy to just have finished this and broken the mental logjam that I didn't want to risk agonizing over it too much. (strange as that may sound)
As for the aunt drama: I was tempted to make that its own chapter and really build it out, but the more I tried to outline it the more I began to see similar experiences that I've had to help friends through in their own lives. So I thought I'd instead make a solid headnod to the more painful part of that drama and instead focus on how the two people in the relationship deal with the aftermath and move forward. Which to me has the better upside.
But that said, I do see your point though. Thanks again!
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It's boring and trite. Too flowery at some points, tries TOO hard at setting up dramatics and just overall...meh. Not the worst I've seen, though someone did put it in the group Absolutely Disgusting for a reason. Guess I'll find out why in the next chapter.
I cringed. Still trying too hard with the narration. Still boring. And yes, cheesy. Not in a positive way.
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Sorry the story (and apparently my writing style) didn't work for you. But thanks for giving it a look anyway.
11107744
This isn't feedback, this is just being an inflammatory asshole. Nothing of substance provided, only mindless berating without explanation and some reference to some random group whose name already tells you everything you need to know about the kind of people that frequent it. You have very little room to say anything about "a positive way" in your follow-up comment. If you have nothing of substance to say about a story, and I don't mean positive, I mean something of substance, something useful, something with some degree of thought and mental work behind it, you might as well just shut up. What a troll.
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Interesting take, though not mine. Sometimes a story about a nice evening where nothing goes wrong is exactly that, a story about a nice evening where nothing goes wrong. For people looking for something soft and cuddly, but with a little bit more skin, this is perfect. Not every story needs three acts and a villain's demise, or an immediate jump into carnal lechery. As for the flowery language, I agree that it's a style choice but I don't necessarily think it's a poor one in this case. It fits the characters (a florist and Rarity of all freaking ponies) involved to a T, and I enjoyed it in and of itself on that merit.
I'll admit the point about the drama in the beginning being a little out of place with the rest of the tone of the story, but as a backdrop I think it's perfectly fine.
What were you looking for when you came to this story? It's got the sex, romance, slice of life tags, and porn with no "trigger warnings". The content is exactly as advertised, to be honest. And someone took a lot of time and effort writing this. It's 9 thousand words of fairly well constructed English language, far and above the level of most stories on this Friendship is Magic fan site. I doubt they simply pumped this out in an hour and posted it. Significant effort and skill was put into this. If you were looking for something more exciting, as implied by your calling it boring and trite (which is a synonym for boring, by the way, unless you meant it as cliche?), then the tags and story description should have been enough to send you away.
I agree that it's not perfect, and I even had criticisms and offers of corrections. Your comments seem to be less of that, and more of just being an asshole. Did you forget that authors are people? Are you the guy who would walk up to a painting at an art show, with the artist there and asking for input in something they've spent two days or more, maybe a week on, then just tell them it's "boring and trite" and walk away? Even if you don't care for the artist, you should at least care about you. Do you have any idea how that paints you, who is also a person, to the rest of the observers and the artist themself? Is that activity making the world a better place and a good use of your limited time on this earth?
If you have a problem with it, and are going to expend the effort to insult it, can you at least offer to help the author? Or do you not even know what you wanted? Did you come in with your mind made up because it was featured in some group, ready for blood? There are plenty of stories on this site that are a waste of time. Hundreds, easily. At least 26 published by me. This is not one of them.
I like this site. Rather than scare away actually good authors, I prefer to see them improve. Nothing about what you posted here will improve anyone. The only reason I could think to post like that is to chase the author away and discourage them. Is that really what you wanted? Is that why you came and logged in to this website today? Or did you come here to be entertained and see fun stories? What kind of story is fun for you?
Sorry about all the questions, I just legitimately don't understand your take here. I'm not defending the story, either. It's got flaws, it's far from perfect, and maybe it deserved a downvote from you. But why on earth wouldn't you want to make the world a better place for yourself at least, and tell the author what you wanted? I mean, your complaint is that they are "trying too hard" and "it's too boring," then that's not exactly workable material. Honestly, I think you might benefit from trying a little harder.
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Pretty much.
FYI, GM: You can hide individual groups from the sidebar from appearing, which I would do with that particular group. You didn't add it there and have no desire to, so there's no reason to showcase it.
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Ah, thank you for that. I had forgotten that feature existed. I'll take care of that promptly. :)
This isn't the greatest thing I've ever read but I really enjoyed this little story. I hope the negativity won't deter you from writing more stuff like this in the future cause you have a knack for erotic fiction.
Unlike some people, I like romantic fluff LOL!
The flirting and innuendo were what made the original so good, so it is nice to see that they feature prominently in the sequel. Out of curiosity, which of Roseluck's voices do you hear when you write her lines?
How incredibly comfy this is! It reminds me of one of those holiday commercials for a jewelry store but with the breathtakingly romantic gift at the end being horse pussy instead of diamonds.
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or in this case, a horse with diamonds on it. Even better! ;)