• Member Since 11th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

GaPJaxie


It's fanfiction all the way down.

Comments ( 30 )

Very nice!

incomplete? there’s more coming?

Post-apocalyptic stories always frighten me. Even more than the death of a single person or a dozen or a thousand people, the death of an entire civilization, of the entire concept of civilization, is terrifying.

Good story, though. Always great to read more from the master :)

if that was unedited, you are VERY good at this.

What a terrifying prospect... What would kill every super capacitor around the entire planet instantly? I love the world building this does!

Will there be more?

11092053
Unreformed Discord probably could do it with a snap of his claws...but this world seems lacking in figures of god-like powers.

I'm getting Ringworld vibes from this, either deliberately as per those stories or an accident.

Really digging the world building.

I assume Fluffy will make an appearance.

11092053
Considering that the story image is a screenshot from a game called The Long Dark and the story itself focuses on winter, my guess is a solar flare, like in TLD.

11091602

I have to change my answer here. Decided it was better as a one shot. Hope you enjoyed!

11092997
Oh. Uh... did I contribute to this decision? What with the feedback I just left on the second chapter and all.

11093020

Yes! Don't worry, I appreciate the honest feedback. A few other people also said they didn't enjoy it so much, and not every speedwriting exercise results in a win. :twilightsmile:

I enjoyed writing it, because I enjoy complicated prose and unusual story structures, but the sort of stories writers enjoy writing aren't always the stories readers enjoy reading.

I'll probably post it up on my blog in a little bit if you're curious to see it again, but for now, I think this one-shot stands best on its own.

i liked it including the second chapter. it felt very Harlan Ellison to me.

was it a copy of her own book?

11093066

Thank you. Sorry for the back-and- forth.

And it was!

Looking forward to see the blog post with the second chapter, but the story works very well as a oneshot as well.

Ponies apparently never invented chemical batteries

Still, good story.

That was very cool, and it works very great as a standalone. Even though a chapter 2 would have been interesting, I really don't think it was necessary.
First off all, I love your prose. I can't really explain why, but I think it works great with science-fiction, especially dystopian stuff like this. You can feel the coldness.
Then, I really liked what you did with the story. Centering something as big as the end of the world on something as unsignificant as an omelet works well to show how everything is above the characters. I'm not going to comment every little detail in the fic, but there's not much I can say about it.
I find it very cool to live it as Star Burst, ignorant. We don't know how much time has passed since the collapse, we don't know who is Starlight, if any of her friends survived (or if they even exist in this AU).
I haven't read all the fics in the contest yet but I wouldn't be surprised to see this one in the first places.

I know things would go apocalyptic if the power goes out for a long time but where did the ice come from? Windigos? Magic isn't gone, so the pegasi should be able to control the weather.

I know you need to freeze the place for the story to work, so I will close one eye to that.

And every year, some of the ponies who know how to nudge the old machines back to life die, and they also cannot be replaced.

static.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/f/f8/Twilight_using_books_as_a_pillow_S5E10.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/250?cb=20150622145019

A lot of foals these days can’t even read.

I don't know... Teach them?

"These she likewise searched, though were nearly entirely empty"
"These she likewise searched, though they were nearly entirely empty"?

"How long had it been since he’d eaten? Awhile."
"How long had it been since he’d eaten? A while."?

"So late in the winter the sun was alright low"
"So late in the winter the sun was already low"?

"Starlight found the first floor occupied what must"
"Starlight found the first floor occupied by what must"?

"that the Rikken’s wheels still turn"
"that the Rikken’s wheels still turn"?

Good luck in the contest!

11097917

Well I guess it isn't unedited now! :D

All corrections made, with my gratitude. Your comments are a warm reminder of how great this fandom can be.

His coat, which she had thought was tan, was in fact white. The shower water ran black.

Damn dude, that's a moment right there. An elegantly bleak tale overall 😁

11097961
Oh! :D
Well, usually, I skip doing this if you've marked something as unedited or the like (on the grounds that that's also marking it as being acceptable to post without editing, and, well, I do have other demands on my time)... but you didn't here, that I noticed, so I didn't. Sounds like it was good that was the case, though; I'm glad you got that warm reminder. :)
And thanks. :)

(Also, by they way, I look forward to getting to the other two, I think it was, stories you posted recent, neither of which, as I recall, is marked as unedited -- but it may be a bit, as I've rather a backlog at present, sorry. This one got bumped forward in my queue primarily due to the connected but not linked blog post (which I also commented on, in case FIMFiction neglected to notify you as it sometimes does).)

Anyway, thank you, as usual, for writing. :)

I like sci-fi, disaster, and post-apocalyptic stories. Starlight's journey would have made a cool sequel to this. Perhaps one day you'll re-visit the idea.

11121527

I did, actually! You can find it on my blog.

11121861
I saw that in the comments below, but when I went looking I couldn't find it. Perhaps a blog title, date, or link for the navigationally challenged?

In spring the interior would have been a rotten and soggy mess, in winter, misshapen dress stands made horrifying golems and shambling undead, things with the shape of ponies but faces of wire and melting flesh, all dusted with ice.

loved the descwork throughout but this line in particular was my favorite

I can make a fire that doesn’t need fuel, but fires conjured that way use the caster as energy instead. If you’re keeping warm with mana fire, you’ll need to eat a lot to avoid losing weight.

love magic mechanics like this; the energy has to come from somewhere!

“We had a wind-up phonograph,” he said. “I think my mother stole it from the palace.”

from Celestia's chambers! very nice

He ate breakfast silently, slipped back into his cold-weather gear. For the first time in a long while, he was well-fed, clean, and warm.

a taste of pre-collapse luxury, that is everyday life for most people reading this, with our worries and concerns on other things. it's good to be reminded what a blessing these simple things are, and how for most of human history, most people would have never dreamed of such reliable conveniences. really makes me want to recreate this omelet and enjoy it in the fic's honor.


this tale of a civilization that became overly reliant on one technology that one day goes away, causing its collapse, is a really rich vein to mine some great stories out of, not to mention sadly relevant. the worldbuilding here was top-notch, with Starlight's role explained by the explanation that unicorn magic is not a feasible way to return electricity back to the world. and i loved Star Burst's tragic yet presumably all-too-common backstory, with his ignorance of the past at the right level to both be believable and to let Starlight explain what happened to both him and the reader. Starlight being particular about an omelet being Star Burst's taste of the past just feels very Starlight, and the entire exchange was just a nice touch overall, drawing the themes inward to a moment between characters.

and all this in two and half hours? inconceivable!

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