I wish I stayed at the Hive
Nightmare Moon tricks Queen Chrysalis
By iAmSiNnEr
“Right you are, Princess,” Chrysalis boasted as she revealed her true form. “And as queen of the changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects-”
“DID I HEAR QUEEN?” A familiar voice shouted down the hallway. “A NEW SPECIES?”
Twilight shrugged. “Here we go again…”
Celestia leaned on the podium. “It’d be interesting to see what Luna can come up with this time… what could she possibly offer the changelings?”
“Personally,” Cadence whispered to Celestia and Twilight. “I think she’s gonna go all out. Remember the griffons? She didn’t bring her best material, and they flat out turned her down until she offered them the pith helmets.”
“Would pith helmets even work for the changelings?” Twilight wondered.
Cadence shrugged as Nightmare Moon teleported into the room, causing the ponies gathered to gasp and immediately pull out a clipboard to take notes. After all, it wasn’t often that the self-proclaimed greatest salespony did her sales pitch in front of the general population. When they did, her methods could be sold for a large number of bits to aspiring salesponies.
“The changeling queen!” Nightmare Moon exclaimed. “Perfect! You got my letter inviting you to Canterlot! Although, you did ignore the letter about the party on the moon…”
Discord teleported in to float beside Celestia. With a snap of his fingers, he passed out popcorn buckets to Cadance and Twilight, before presenting a cake to Celestia. The four of them began snacking on their respective snacks, observing the scene.
Chrysalis spluttered. “Wha- no, I am not here about the letter- who are you, even?”
Nightmare Moon blinked in surprise. “You didn’t see the whole ‘Eternal Night’ going on?”
“Our hive has a ceiling,” Chrysalis shrugged. “I don’t watch the sky. Besides, we don’t need sunlight to get love.”
"So basically," Nightmare Moon leaned in. "You haven't gotten and heard my proposals and sales pitches."
"...no?"
"Then you're in for a treat!" Nightmare Moon exclaimed. "High Advisor Sparkle, we need your assistance!"
"I'm beginning to think I should have stayed at the hive," Chrysalis muttered under her breath. “The love ain’t worth this. I already got so many sponsorship ads when I was researching on PonyTube on ‘how to take over Equestria’. Can I skip those?”
“Nope!” Nightmare Moon replied cheerfully as her armor and regalia melted away to reveal her suit and tie. A suitcase popped into existence before her, and she retrieved a pair of glasses from it, placing them on her snout.
“High Advisor Sparkle here to serve, your Majesty!” Twilight teleported for the sake of teleporting, appearing in front of Chrysalis, making the changeling queen jump.
“What is this madness?” Chrysalis yelped. “I could just blast you into oblivion-”
Nightmare Moon lifted her glasses up, her expression a stony one. “The windigos tried that. Want to try me?”
Chrysalis shivered at the dark look. “No, your Majesty.”
“So we go to my proposals!” Nightmare Moon put the glasses back on, her expression once again cheerful. “High Advisor Sparkle, please bring out the necessary documents!” She looked at the confused look on Chrysalis’s face. “I learned with the yaks that documents are necessary to make this official.” she explained.
“Looks like she’s going with the benefits plan,” Discord whispered. “Cadance, I think you’re going to be up soon. She needs an expert on love at some point to strike a deal with them.”
“Really,” Celestia shrugged as she chomped on a moon pie. “Why doesn’t she get a lawyer? It’d make things easier on poor Twilight.” She tossed another moon pie into her mouth. “Least I get infinite moon pies.”
“So, here is my proposal!” Nightmare Moon exclaimed. “If you agree not to attack Equestria, we’ll provide you with a source of love and many other benefits. The containers for said love will be provided by my newest sponsor-”
“Your Majesty,” Twilight coughed. “Polls show that talking about the sponsors at the end of the sequence makes for a more enticing sales pitch. After all, this is an entire species we’re talking about. Didn’t the yaks get bored and start smashing chairs?”
“That is very true,” Nightmare Moon mused. “Very well! Queen Chrysalis, will you accept our offer?”
“I would like to take a look at the fine print,” Chrysalis said after a pause. “And my lawyer, Drone 6CP-4. 6CP-4, get in here!" At that, a changeling flew into the room, carrying a briefcase with him.
“Wait, changelings have lawyers?” Cadence wheezed. “That’s hilarious. What do they need them for?”
“I assume love distribution disputes,” Discord shrugged as he enlarged his whole mouth to drop a whole box of popcorn in. “Those are probably common in their love-scarce community.”
“Very well,” Nightmare Moon conceded. “High Advisor Sparkle, please present the contracts and documents.” Twilight pulled out a file labeled ‘Changelings’, before magicking a table into existence then putting said documents on said table.
“So?” Chrysalis asked the drone.
“Looks all fine in the major sections,” the changeling put on his glasses. “However, there is a certain clause you need to take a look at. Princess Nightmare Moon is not liable for any physical damage to any creature or pony on the moon, nor is suffocation liable for suing.”
“I still haven’t ironed the kinks out of the oxygen domes yet,” Twilight sheepishly explained. “But they work 98.6% of the time, I promise! Only two ponies have suffocated so far!”
“And how many non-ponies?”
“...sixteen.”
“We have to be sure it’s safe,” Chrysalis said after a moment of thought. “If you’re offering the changelings a holiday luxury home on the moon in exchange for ‘services provided’, we need to know this can be delivered.”
Cadence glowered. “Why do they get a luxury home? I didn’t get one in exchange for my crown and cooperation.”
“That’s because you already share mine,” Celestia mumbled through a mouthful of moon pie.
“...oh, right.”
“We also will give the changelings a 9% tax rebate on all purchases pertaining to love,” Nightmare Moon offered.
“Take it, your Majesty,” the changeling lawyer urged. “Those quarterly tax estimates always do my head in! Nine percent is going to change everything!”
“That’s well and peachy,” Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “But what about ponies that I have replaced with changelings? What about them?”
“Hm,” Nightmare Moon flipped the pages and pointed. “Clause Nine. All disguised changelings are to remove their disguises, otherwise, they will be liable to being thrown in prison or getting their moon pie privilege revoked.”
“NOT THE MOON PIES!” a pony in the room suddenly revealed herself to be a changeling, before buzzing away immediately.
“Ignore my subjects,” Chrysalis grumbled. “I’m not sure what their obsession with moon pies is about.”
“So,” the changeling lawyer flipped more pages. “Clause Seventeen - all corporate taxes will be leveled under ‘the notion of taking over Equestria’. What does that mean?”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” Nightmare Moon dismissed. “It’s just that all of my sponsors have certain demands. And since if you label income under ‘evil means’, you don’t get taxed for that.”
“Hm,” Chrysalis shrugged. “Sounds good to me.”
“How did I not know that?” Discord protested.
“Don’t care plus ratio,” Celestia grinned. “Is that what they call it these days, Cadence?”
“Yep!” Cadence nodded.
“I guess I accept, then,” Chrysalis muttered as she signed on the document. Nightmare Moon signed on another, before shaking hooves with Chrysalis.
“Thank you for coming on board with the glorious reign of Eternal Night!” Nightmare Moon grinned. “Take note, Clause Twenty-Six states that you may only retrieve love from the love sources when the moon is out! Which is only half the day, because the other half of the day I lower the moon and make it all dark for ponies to sleep.”
“Wait-”
“She just found out she signed on a time-share,” Celestia chuckled.
“Gods, I remember when I figured that out,” Discord shrugged. “I had to wrangle my manticore lawyers to get them to figure out a way for an extra hour of chaos.”
“Thank you for signing on! And we are sponsored by NordVPN, who can help keep your travel history private and hidden away from your parents! By that, we mean that if you’re a changeling who wants to get away from their duties, NordVPN is the way to go-”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SIGNED ON A TIME-SHARE?!” Chrysalis shouted.
“AND WITH NORDVPN,” Nightmare Moon bellowed with the Royal Canterlot Voice. “YOU CAN MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE EVER TRACKS YOUR LOCATION AND BROWSING HISTORY! USE CODE NMM FOR TWENTY PERCENT OFF! CHANGELINGS, YOU CAN NOW WATCH ALL THE CUTE CAT VIDEOS YOU EVER WANT WITHOUT CHRYSALIS HUNTING YOU DOWN-”
“I DEMAND A BUCKING REFERRAL AND EDITING OF THE CONTRACT!”
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- iAmSiNnEr · 1.5k words · 634 12 · 6.8k views
- iAmSiNnEr · 1.1k words · 427 16 · 5.1k views
- iAmSiNnEr · 1.2k words · 280 20 · 4.6k views
- iAmSiNnEr · 1.4k words · 192 7 · 2.1k views
- iAmSiNnEr · 1.2k words · 149 3 · 1.8k views
- iAmSiNnEr · 2.6k words · 208 4 · 2.2k views
- Some Leech · 4.5k words · 340 4 · 3.4k views
- iAmSiNnEr · 1.1k words · 100 5 · 1.7k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.231 seconds
Total duration
1,008 users online
8,310 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
"... AND TRYING TO RECONFIGURE YOUR CONTRACT USING HER TEAM OF DRONE LAWYERS THAT ARE UNDERPAID. BUT IF YOU SIGN ONTO OUR PLUS CARE PACKAGE YOU CAN GET ONE FREE TRIAL OF SKILLSHARE AND LEARN HOW TO PROPERLY READ LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACTS."
Chrysalis: <incoherent screaming>
Anyways, fun as always, thanks for the story Sin~!
Sin?
I can say without a shadow of a doubt that these short stories, either in the explosion-verse or the salespony- verse, will never not be funny.
Keep up the good work, I can't wait to see what you come up with next.
Because Sin, you are awesome and so are these shit-posts. Keep them coming so I can keep on laughing.
Because you're weird, and I love it.
You know what Luna needs?, She needs a team up with Phil Swift so they can combine their power and put together a rock ship to the moon only held together by the power of Flex tape
who thinks she's going to go for the storm empire or the hippogriffs next
This has the potential to reach beanis levels of stupid. I'm so excited.
By the sounds of it, NMM reformed Discord via sales pitch.
I wonder what kind of proposal she would have for for Sombra or Sunset.
I mean if Twilight and the others didn't need the Elements of Harmony for NMM, Sunset wouldn't be after the Element of Magic. I would expect Sunset to appear through the mirror, and NMM, knowing from Celestia that she was likely to appear, would offer her a job or position or something.
11091245
This NMM could sell hippogryphs insurance against falling down stairs. Love it.
11091245
Well, of we're going in show order, Sombra and the Crystal Empire would be next.
"I did not agree to this."
*holding gun to head* "shut up and say the line."
"This comment is brought to you by Audible. Audible is a-"
"CUT! MORE ENTHUSIASM!"
why am I doing this?
So, how would NMM deal with Starlight Glimer an dher quest for equality for all then? I'd love to see that.
I would like to see this version of Nightmare Moon meet with brothers Flim and Flam. This confrontation and attempts to outplay each other must be legendary.
Hmm
Why are these so flipp'n entertaining!?
So, Nightmare Moon has been Riegeled.
The horror! The horror!
Poor little buggo's gotten into more than she can handle, it seems...
11091948
>Riegeled
What?
Omg this is so funny. The sponsoring and contracts nightmare moon does is great.
You think the changeling lawyers would have been better at out smarting nightmaremoon and her lawyers. lol
11092075
Riegeled: Made to shill like Sam Riegel.
(Just watch the first 5 minutes of any episode of campaign 2 or 3 of Critical Role)
These are so damn fun! I love the fact everyone else just sits back and snacks because it's so entertaining.
Do you think you can crossover this with the Twilight blows things up series? Now that you turned it into a series to?
11092753
Twilight blows up the dimensional barrier.
NMM offers her a job.
Eternal night is now a franchise business.
Wonder what deal she gave Twilight to turn her into her right hoof.
“Wait, changelings have lawyers?”
You mean hideous creatures who suck the life out of everything they touch? Of course. They're *all* lawyers, after all. They tend to be attracted by time-shares.
11093292
75% off all book purchases? Access to her library of ancient and rare books? Both?
11091390
Same way any red-blooded
AmericanEquestrian deals with damn, dirty commies! Sic the CIA on them!Oh damn, she is still evil!
11091439
I think that would go on for eternity.
11093567
commies, leftists, anarchists, democrats, italians, socialists, subsistence farmers in south america/southeast asia...
basically anyone who isn't right wing, nationalist, or nominally against the things the cia stands against.
Honestly. I've only seen one channel have NordVPN as a sponsor (Kakarot197), and he integrates it pretty well into his stuff without really ruining the video.
I can imagine hitting up Tirek with a Raid Shadow Legends ad XD
So does that mean that the other side of the planet God eternal day ? Don’t they get a say in things.
The changelings are in, baby! Also poor Chryssi on that timeshare...
What's a timeshare?
Not sure of the why but happy you did write it. It was pretty funny and I will have to read the prequel soon. Have a 👍
Nah, I think Twilight is enjoying this just as much she enjoys reading and studying magic.
Cause it's funny?