Art is the Weapon

by The Red Parade

Happy Cabbage

I, being Flash Sentry, never really understood practices of older times. Just the phrase ‘olden times’ makes me think of the old geezers who hang out at the bar, wearing a ballcap saying ‘Royal Guard Veteran’ and getting senior discounts at all the local pubs. Jabbering on and on ‘about the way things were this,’ ‘back in my day’ that.

It gets real old real fast. Pardon the pun.

Anyways.

Historically speaking the Royal Guard has always had some leadership issues. See, when it first started, you had to know all the right ponies and say all the right things. Officer spots to the peasants fresh from the street? Forget about it.

No, to make it high in the guard, you had to know people. Sons and daughters of important ponies shot up the ranks, experience or qualifications be damned. Grow the happy cabbage, and you’re good as gold.

That’s a phrase Flash Magnus taught me! Back when we trained together at the Crystal Empire exercises he taught me a few funny words. When he was a colt (which was thousands of years ago since he got spliced into the shadow realm, or something along those lines), it was often said that the farmers of the happy cabbage were the ones who pulled the strings.

Because happy cabbage is nothing other than cold, hard bits. And boy do ponies love their bits.

Magnus said the phrase came from an old pegasi story. Used to be this buissnesspony who made a bet at the bar that he could sell a wagonload of rotten cabbage to the city’s upper class.

So he wheeled it into town, called it a “Magical Elixir” to cure all ails, and sweet-talked them all into blowing bits on it.

Crazy bastard.
I’m not in it for the cabbage, happy or otherwise. The Guard has never been about the money for me. It’s hard to pin down exactly what it’s about for me, really, but I can tell you with absolute confidence it isn’t the bits.

I’m not exactly sitting pretty as a corporal anyways. Enlisted guardsponies are in fact the polar opposite of happy cabbage salesponies. But it is what it is.

Anyways! There’s a point to this, trust me. I’d never lead you on like that.

The point is that it is completely the fault of a pony with too much happy cabbage that I got into this mess in the first place.

---

Shining Armor leaned back in his chair, the frown etched on his face achieving new depths that Flash didn’t even know were feasible. “Corporal.”

“Sir.”

Flash fidgeted in his seat, resisting the urge to spin around in circles on it. He looked behind Shining, to the framed photographs, accolades, and medals decorating the young Captain’s wall. The decorations were the only thing personal in his office: the rest was stiff, stuffy, and boring. Just like most things in the Guard.

“Corporal,” Shining said again, resting his forelegs on the desk and tapping his hooves together. “Corporal, Corporal, Corporal.”

“Sir?”

“What am I going to do with you?”

Flash perked up. “A raise wouldn’t hurt, sir!”

Shining’s frown fell faster than an elevator with all its cables cut.

“...guess not. Sir.”

Being reprimanded by a superior officer was never a good thing. But being reprimanded by his superior officer’s superior officer’s superior officer’s superior officer was… unfathomably bad.

So bad in fact that Flash was certain he was either going to leave the office without a job or in a bodybag. Although the two weren’t mutually exclusive now that he thought about it.

“Corporal Sentry.”

“That’s me, Sir.”

Shining Armor, sighed, rubbing the base of his horn. “Very well. I’ll stop beating around the bush.”

You’ve chopped the damned thing into pieces already, Flash noted to himself.

“I’ve received some… conflicting reports about you. Yet your officers seem to be in consensus that you are against all odds good for morale. So that leads me to my main concern… what happened?”

Flash blinked. Shining’s voice had lost all of its intense, militaristic quality, and hit his ears as a genuine question. When he looked back at the Captain of the Guard, he was again shocked to find some sympathy in Shining Armor’s eyes. “W-Well, Sir, I… I uh, think it’s fairly obvious what happened.”

Shining Armor hummed. “I agree, but why did it happen?”

Flash’s eyes fell to the floor. He wished they would roll out of his face and under the desk, just to get away from the situation at hoof. But when his eyeballs failed to detach and evacuate, he began fidgeting instead. “Well… I’m not entirely sure, sir. I… I guess I must have, um, slipped, or made some sort of mistake.”

Shining levitated some papers from his desk. “Corporal Sentry, I obtained these records from the parade grounds. They indicated that prior to the ceremony, you put in an alarming number of hours into training, to the point where your credentials were placed on hold.”

“Yes sir,” Flash responded. “We had to get it right, sir.”

“That’s not all. Shortly after your credentials were temporarily withheld, your squadmate Full Barr apparently decided to follow in your wake.”

“Um. I guess he did, sir?” Flash offered.

Shining just sighed. “Corporal, I can put two and two together. You used Barr to get into the parade ground and put in more hours.”

Flash fell silent.

“Corporal Sentry, we have those regulations in place for a reason,” Shining nudged. “Overwork is a serious problem. Your dedication is admirable, but we all have limits.”

“Yes sir. I’m sorry sir,” Flash offered.

The look on Shining’s face told Flash he did not believe him in the slightest. “I think there’s only one option then. Corporal, I’m placing you on administrative leave effective immediately.”

Flash wilted at that.

“But, I’ll make you a deal.” Shining levitated a quill and a sheet of paper onto the table. “There’s an old friend that I want you to see, I think it’d help you out with your situation. If you do that, and if he agrees that you’ve put in good effort, then I’ll cut your leave time down. Is that acceptable for you?”

“Yes sir,” Flash exclaimed. “Thank you, sir!”

“Don’t thank me yet,” Shining chuckled. “Anyways, his name is Spearhead. And fair warning? You might not like him.”

Comments

[Bicyclette]

That’s a phrase Flash Magnus taught me! Back when we trained together at the Crystal Empire exercises he taught me a few funny words. When he was a colt (which was thousands of years ago since he got spliced into the shadow realm, or something along those lines), it was often said that the farmers of the happy cabbage were the ones who pulled the strings.

aww, love that Flash Magnus has weird slang from growing up before he was spliced into the shadow realm for a millenium

I’m not in it for the cabbage, happy or otherwise. The Guard has never been about the money for me. It’s hard to pin down exactly what it’s about for me, really, but I can tell you with absolute confidence it isn’t the bits.

i mean, the whole cutie mark thing!

Flash perked up. “A raise wouldn’t hurt, sir!”

Shining’s frown fell faster than an elevator with all its cables cut.

“...guess not. Sir.”

oof, can’t fault a skint enlisted man from trying

Shining just sighed. “Corporal, I can put two and two together. You used Barr to get into the parade ground and put in more hours.”

Flash fell silent.

“Corporal Sentry, we have those regulations in place for a reason,” Shining nudged. “Overwork is a serious problem. Your dedication is admirable, but we all have limits.”

this pony sure loves Royal Guarding!