Too Much of a Good Thing

by Jatheus

5: Timing of Critters Wild and Domestic

“Fluttershy! You have to help me!” Pinkie Pie called out as she knocked on the door to the pegasus’ cottage.

There was no answer.

“I can’t find anypony else and I really, really need to talk to someone!”

There continued to be no answer, apart from the muffled sounds of some of Fluttershy’s pets scampering about the house. Pinkie Pie let out a frustrated grunt and galloped back into town. Her next best bet would be to find Applejack, even though the farm was on the other side of Ponyville.

As she ran, Pinkie Pie scanned the skies. Rainbow Dash should be up there busting clouds, but she was nowhere in sight. If things didn’t pan out at Sweet Apple Acres, searching for the pegasus would be next on the list.

Ponyville passed by in a blur, and soon the mare, still wearing the alluring maid outfit, was thundering over the gentle hills of the farm. Vast though it was, Applejack was likely in or near the barn, so that would be the place to start.

As Pinkie Pie came around the final bend, the barn and farmhouse came into view. The worker and close friend that she sought was also there, standing a short distance from the larger structure. The running mare closed the distance before initiating contact.

“Applejack!”

“Howdy there…” the enthusiastic greeting was caught and transformed into an expression of uncertainty, no doubt in response to the maid costume, “Pinkie…”

“I need your help!”

The farmer’s quizzical expression became one of concern. Her younger sister, Apple Bloom came around the barn at that moment, bearing a roll of chicken wire.

“It’s Cheese Sandwich! He won’t thread my needle!”

“Huh?”

“His wedding tackle isn’t going fishing!”

Apple Bloom stopped short in confusion, “Wait, what?”

“The eel isn’t even looking for the cave!”

“Whoa there, simmer down a bit,” Applejack said before turning to Apple Bloom. “Naw, I don’t think the chicken wire will do. Do we have any hog wire?”

“I’ll check,” Apple Bloom replied.

She didn’t move, having a curious and amused look on her face. Applejack turned back to Pinkie Pie just as a family of raccoons began chittering and marched out of the barn, angry looks on their faces. They were followed by Fluttershy.

“There you are!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

Surprised at the new arrival, Fluttershy nodded sheepishly, “Was I not where you expected to find me? I’m sorry.”

“What are you wearin’?” Apple Bloom asked the party pony.

“That’s why I’m here! Rarity gave me this lingerie, but it didn’t work!”

The others stared blankly back for a moment before Applejack decided to answer.

“Uh-huh... so... whatcha doin’ here?

“I just don’t know what to do,” Pinkie sniffled.

Applejack tipped her hat up a bit, “Oh, ya came to us for... advice?”

“Cheese Sandwich and I are trying to grow our family; and we’d been working at it every day, several times. All of the sudden, he is just doing chores and doesn’t have time. So I tried this outfit to get him in the mood.”

“And?” Apple Bloom asked impatiently.

“And nothing! Nada! Zip! Zilch! It’s almost like I wasn’t even there!”

The Apples exchanged a glance.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Fluttershy offered.

“That’s why I’m here! Fluttershy, you know all kinds of things about how animals attract their mates and stuff. Applejack, I bet you do too with your farm animals. Maybe one of you will know something that can help me!”

“Beg pardon?” Applejack asked.

“Um, I’m not so sure it works that way,” the pegasus mumbled.

“I just need something to get me back on track! Fluttershy, do you or do you not know how different critters attract their mates?”

“Yes, but the critters I work with are not ponies.”

“So you know lots of ways to do this?”

“Yes, but not for ponies.”

“I know that! Just give me one example. It can be anything! What was the last creature you worked with?”

Fluttershy’s face flushed as she replied, “Um... a mantis.”

“Oh! That sounds promising. Tell me about that!”

Apple Bloom chortled as if something amusing had been said. Fluttershy took a breath before continuing.

“Well, the male mantis does a courtship dance to get the female’s attention, and then he mounts her back for them to mate.”

“Then what?”

Fluttershy mumbled something inaudible.

“Speak up!” Pinkie Pie sang, “I didn’t quite catch that.”

“She bit his head off!”

Fluttershy flushed again as Applejack’s eyes widened, “Whew doggies, that’s one way to do it... I guess.”

Apple Bloom burst into laughter, “I heard ‘bout that in school! Them lady mantises eat up the boy ones. Happens all the time!”

“She actually ate him?!”

“Yes,” Fluttershy admitted, pawing at the earth.

“Eww! I for one would rather eat cupcakes,” Pinkie Pie wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Applejack, you have to know something useful! How do you get your farm animals make the carnal embrace!”

Apple Bloom giggled again.

“You're thinkin' of it all wrong, sugarcube. It's not so much that you hafta keep doin' it like that. You just have to have the right timin' is all.”

Suddenly struck with an idea, Pinkie Pie stood up straighter than she had been, “Timing! Why didn’t I think of that? I need a metronome!”

Spinning on her hooves, Pinkie Pie rocketed away from the trio. She did not hear Applejack calling after her.

“Pinkie, wait!”

“Thaaaaank yooooou!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she ran.

“Oh, dear!” exclaimed Fluttershy.

Apple Bloom scratched at her mane, “What the hay just happened?”

Applejack shrugged, “I guess it’s ‘bout usual for Pinkie. But I reckon it ain’t gonna be no good for Cheese.”

...

Cheese Sandwich had only thought the yard work was dehydrating. Installing insulation in the attic was like working in an oven. There was no breeze, and the stifling heat only grew as he moved about.

As he completed his endeavors and gathered up the tools, he thought he heard something. Becoming very still, he listened. Faintly, almost inaudible, he detected a regular tapping, almost like water dripping from a faucet with precise regularity. It lifted his spirits as he prepared to search out the next job that needed to be done.

Cheese Sandwich went down the ladder into the cool of the house, and the noise sounded more like a clicking than a dripping. Becoming perplexed, the stallion began to search the home for the source of the regular disturbance.

As he drew closer to the bedroom, the sound became more clear. Click, click, click...

Considering how his day had gone to this point, Cheese Sandwich was not that surprised to find Pinkie Pie in the bedroom. He was confused by the metronomes, at least three of which were clicking away perfectly synchronized with each other. He had just decided it would be best to pass on by when she began to sing.

“Hello my other half, I’m really glad you’re here...
To grow our fam-ily, the time it does draw near...
How will we make this feat, whatever shall we do...
Just a bit of private time, a treat for me and you...
You know Cheese Sandwich dear, to me you are the best...
Just a bit of special fun, that is my request...
Come here and play your part, at which you’re really great...
What are you waiting for, let us pro-cre-aaaaaaate!!!”

Pinkie Pie danced around the room as she sang, her motions appropriately accentuating her meaning. She ended up near the bed, panting a bit from the outburst. As for the stallion, he felt just the faintest hint of life for a moment, but nothing further happened. Still needing to rest and recover, he smiled at the mare.

“That’s a great little song, Pinkie!”

“So... what do you say?”

“Gosh, I just am getting so much done around the house that I really just want to keep working for now.”

“But... but...” she looked wildly around at the metronomes.

“We’ll have time to do that later! I’m not going anywhere,” he gave her a big grin before making a hasty retreat.

Considering how well he knew Pinkie Pie by this point in their marriage, he was quite certain that she had not yet finished her attempts. She would continue to pursue him with a renewed offensive soon. He could only steel himself against the inevitable coming battle.

Comments

[Hillbe]

A maid outfit?
yes
Should of gave her a mop and a bucket

All you need is a book
playcolt?

We read the articles really

[Jatheus]

11101782
I’m not even sure I want to know what a society would do with a nudie magazine when they don’t typically wear clothes in the first place.

[Hillbe]

11101806
I must a be fashion genius
She can sell ice cubes to crystal ponies
Shiny always buys dumb stuff

[peanutcream]

huh