Waiting To Happen
A Bluebird’s Song
~~~
After all this time
Cynical and jaded
All the stones are diamonds
All the blues are faded
~~~
Waiting To Happen
For about half a minute following Twilight’s indignant outburst at the fouling up of Rarity’s name, there was silence, in which Dash could tell that Twilight was thinking hard. Behind them, blissfully oblivious to the atmosphere, Spike left, closing the front door behind him, off on a quill-acquisition mission. Owloysius was dozing peacefully on his perch. The silence seemed to balloon around them, and Dash was still avoiding her friend’s eyes, gazing at her own hooves. Eventually, Twilight spoke.
“Rainbow, I’m so sorry, I know how much this must’ve hurt you.”
Dash’s head snapped up, in surprise. “Huh? Ya don’t think I’m being petty?” Her face fell again. “I know I do,” she finished in a mumbled undertone.
Twilight walked over, and gently rested a hoof on the pegasus’s shoulder. “Of course I don’t,” she said, softly, “and you shouldn’t either. This meant so much to you, so I’d have no right to call myself your friend if I refused to be there for you.”
For the first time, Dash looked up and met her eyes, smiling weakly. The smile scared Twilight, it was so fragile, so unlike her usual cocky grin. “That really means a lot, Twi’.” Her voice cracked slightly, and the corners of her eyes were shining. “I only read it this morning… I’m not gonna lie, it hurt.” Dash turned away slightly, walking back over to the paper lying on the table, her eyes narrowing in irritation at the grinning face of Lighting Flare. She took a deep breath, as if steeling herself. “You know what?” Her voice was bitter, the words coming out in a rush. “It wasn’t just the record that hurt, it was him. ‘Cause I saw his face, read what he’d said, and you know what I saw?”
Twilight had joined her at the table, looking down at the picture, the arrogantly grinning face of the young stallion. “What?” she asked, nonplussed.
Dash hung her head dejectedly, replying in a guilt-laden whisper. “…Me.”
Twilight took a step back in surprise, and felt a stab of something close to exasperation. “Rainbow, look at me!” she insisted, and the pegasus reluctantly raised her eyes again. “Sure, you’re proud, you’re even cocky sometimes, but none of us think any the less of you for it. You’re Rainbow Dash, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She stamped her hoof on the ground to emphasize the last word, her eyes burning with a sudden intensity.
Dash did not look at all convinced. “Sure, you can live with me being around,” she muttered, “but I dunno if I can. I mean look at him,” she stabbed a hoof down onto the stallion’s picture, crumpling the paper slightly, “he’s a dumb, big-headed showoff! None of us would’ve liked him if we met him. But he could just as easily be me.” Her voice was almost inaudible by the end of the last sentence. Twilight could think of nothing to say in the face of her friend falling apart like this. “Face it, Twilight.” Dash’s voice sounded suddenly older, her usual thousand-words-a-minute exuberance nowhere to be heard. “If it wasn’t for the whole Elements of Harmony thing, you’d all have hated me. I’d have just been another Trixie.” Her eyes were full again, and in a sudden outburst of anger she swept the newspaper off the table with a wave of her wing, scattering the crackling sheets across the floor, leaving them tumbling like falling petals. She turned away, lying down morosely on the rug, staring into the empty fireplace with self-disgust etched on her face.
Dash was still for a moment, wings drooping resignedly. She suddenly looked utterly defeated. “I’ll just go,” she sighed, closing her eyes. “This isn’t even worth your time. None of this’d be happening if I wasn’t such an arrogant, jealous waste of…”
She broke off. Twilight was suddenly beside her, and in a moment of compassion had wrapped her hooves around the pegasus, holding her in a tight embrace. After a moment of surprise, Dash responded, hugging the lavender unicorn in return, feeling the cold self-hatred, that had been like a ton-weight in her chest ever since it had ignited that morning, become a little easier to bear. For a few long, peaceful minutes, they lay there together, Twilight feeling Dash’s breathing returning to normal, catching on the air the pleasant, fresh scent that usually hung around her friend.
“Dash…” murmured Twilight, and her voice was choked with tears as well. “Never say that about yourself, it’s not true, and you know it. I told you, you’re Rainbow Dash, not just some arrogant fool. Everyone’s got flaws, but you more than make up for yours by being such a great friend to us all. You are who you are, and we all love you for it.” Twilight was blushing slightly as she finished the last sentence, but she didn’t care. All she wanted was to see her friend smile again, she wanted to see the happy, carefree Dash that she knew so well.
“I… I don’t know if I wanna be me anymore.” Dash choked, painfully contradicting Twilight’s hopes.
“You don’t mean that, I know you don’t,” Twilight promised, with utter sincerity, holding the cyan pegasus closer, wiping away her tears with a gentle hoof. “If you really think that you’ve got a problem, then I’ll do my best to help you make changes, but I’d never want you to stop being you.” She looked Dash directly in the eyes. “We can get you through this. We’re going to make you better.”
Rainbow Dash said nothing, but Twilight could see in her eyes how much her words had meant. “I just don’t wanna be him,” the pegasus whispered.
“You don’t have to be,” Twilight replied gently, “confidence and arrogance don’t have to be the same thing.”
Dash nodded, a little light rekindling in her eyes, and a small smile appearing almost unwillingly on her face. Twilight, sensing that this was the right moment, began to disentangle herself from the other mare so that they could stand, but Dash held her there. For just a moment longer, they looked into each other’s eyes, and Twilight saw a glint of Dash’s old flair shining there. The ticks of the clock seemed to slow around them. Then, the moment ended, and they both stood, stretching their legs and wings, and not quite meeting each other’s eyes. Twilight began magically gathering up the loose sheets of newspaper that now covered the floor around the table. An aura of awkwardness had stolen into the room, sucking away any chance of conversation, as if the treehouse had become a vacuum. They both cast around for something to say in order to break the billowing silence. Twilight knew that her friend had suffered a great shock today, having been shown a grim caricature depicting the wrong side of her personality. She wanted more than anything to be able to help, to convince her friend that she was not a bad Pony. She knew that had to do this for the sake of her friend, but could not think of how. All of her books on behaviour had not prepared her for this cold reality.
“I wasn’t always like this, ya know.” Dash spoke at last, her voice still subdued.
“How do you mean?”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never exactly been Fluttershy,” Dash smiled wryly, and Twilight could not suppress a small chuckle, finding the comparison comically improbable. “But… I dunno. I used to do stuff without having to talk about it.” Dash rested a hoof on her forehead, close to wishing that she had studied psychology instead of attending flight school. “I never needed to show off, not when I was younger. I dunno exactly when it started, I just… I just wanted to prove ‘em all wrong.”
“Who?”
Dash snorted, rolling her eyes. “Everypony. All the ones who thought I was useless. The other foals, the teachers… Dad.” Her voice cracked slightly on the last word.
Twilight’s eyes widened. Now that she thought about it, she could not quite believe that she had never asked Dash about her parents. In reality, she knew very little about her friend’s past. Dash had never been a great supporter of extended conversations, at least not two-sided ones. “Was he…?” she began.
“He wasn’t that great,” Dash cut her off, avoiding her eyes again. “Sorry Twi’, I don’t really wanna talk about my parents right now. Not on top of everything else that’s going on.”
Twilight was burning with curiosity and apprehension, but she did not pursue the subject for her friend’s sake. “That’s okay, Dash,” she smiled. “If you ever need somepony to talk to, I’m here.”
“Thanks,” Dash smiled back at her, eyes still a little watery but seemingly in slightly higher spirits. “Look,” she continued, “I’d better go. I reckon I need a bit of time to get this stuff sorted out up here.” She tapped the side of her head with a hoof.
“Sure, of course.” Twilight nodded, pedantically fiddling with the restacked newspaper, ensuring that it was correctly folded.
“Is it… Is it okay if I come back tomorrow?” asked Dash, sounding almost nervous.
“Of course! Whenever you feel ready.” Twilight smiled encouragingly at her friend. “Let me know what you come up with.” Suddenly, something occurred to her. “Actually, I’ll probably need to see you sometime this week anyway. I’m doing a bit of research into pegasi, and it’d be ideal if I could test my new hypothesis out on you.”
Dash squinted at her, slightly suspiciously. “Sure I will, but… uhh... It doesn’t involve needles, does it?”
Twilight shook her head, smiling. “Nope, but it does involve flying.” She chuckled out loud as she saw Dash’s face light up at the mention of flying.
“Count me in!” she grinned, flaring her wings, her worries momentarily forgotten. Then she winced in pain. “Ouch!” she exclaimed, looking vaguely skywards in irritation. “Looks like the head’s still not that good.”
“Oh, sorry!” Twilight gasped, realizing that she had completely forgotten about the headache cure, what with all of the drama and emotional outbursts. “Hold still,” she instructed the pegasus, who froze on the spot almost comically, a look of apprehension on her face. pegasi were often a little nervous of magic, probably mostly due to their lack of understanding of it. Twilight concentrated for a few moments, feeling her horn warm up and crackle slightly. The painful lump that was clearly visible atop Dash’s head seemed to ripple up and down like disturbed water, then, after a moment, its surface smoothed, leaving her head lumpless and pain-free. “You can move now,” smiled Twilight.
Dash unfroze, gingerly prodding at the top of her head, and looking relieved when she found it to be painless. “That’s way better, thanks a bunch.”
“Anytime.”
Twilight watched as her friend launched herself a few feet off the ground, and began hovering towards the library’s front entrance. “I’ll have a think about this stuff,” Dash said, halting at the door. “Maybe I should go see a shrink or something if it gets worse, but I’ll try and sort it out in my own head first. Thanks again for all the help, I feel way less of a wreck now.”
“It’s no problem,” Twilight smiled. “You know I’ll always be here for you if you need me.”
Dash’s face coloured slightly, and she turned away to try and hide it. Twilight also blushed and looked away, running over what she had just said inside her head. Oh dear, she thought, that didn’t sound too flirty, did it? She looked back at Dash, hoping that she had not made her uncomfortable. “Let me know if you come to any conclusions,” she added, mostly to say something in order to fill the silence.
“Will do,” replied Dash, seemingly back to normal, and Twilight breathed a silent sigh of relief. “Tomorrow, right?”
“Sure. Whenever you’re ready.”
“Got it!” With that, Dash turned and exited the library, swiftly gaining altitude as soon as she was out of the door, leaving behind a trail of disturbed dust that hovered, billowing in the air, carving the light from the windows.
I hope she’s okay. Twilight sighed with concern as she closed the door. Turning away, she suddenly halted, as a thought occurred to her. Was I seriously just worrying about sounding flirty? She felt her face colouring again as she remembered. Now that the haze of worry had passed, and she had time to think about it, the more bothered she was by the last ten minutes. Why did I hug her like that? I guess I was concerned, but still…If she was honest with herself, she knew that something else had come close to happening as they lay together in front of the empty grate. She put a hoof to her head, mentally berating her heart for choosing this moment to spring something like this on her. Oh Celestia, this is such a bad time. I don’t know anything about this kind of thing!
This was perfectly true. In the years she had spent under the Princess’s tutelage, it was rare that she would speak more than three consecutive words to another pony outside of study conditions. This isolation had been largely of her own creation, driven by her inclination for academic work, but had largely precluded her from having any kind of romantic involvement with other ponies. She was not entirely oblivious of the feelings involved in such situations. Indeed, she would be a liar if she claimed never to have harboured slightly inappropriate fantasies concerning her regal mentor, (she went even redder at this thought, rapidly locking it back up again in some sealed box in back of her mind.) However, she had honestly never even thought about that sort of thing since she had arrived in Ponyville, particularly not about her friends. She supposed that this was understandable, after all, fighting dragons, hydras and goodness-knows-what else was bound to be fairly distracting. But now, she was forced to accept that seeing Dash without her bluster and abrasive brashness had changed the way she saw her.
Suddenly her friend was beautiful.
“Why now? Why her?” she whispered. Remembering looking into her friend’s eyes made her heart pound almost painfully, seeing Dash’s gentler self behind the gleaming magenta windows, without the shields of boastfulness that she had spent so long building.
She pondered writing a letter to Celestia about this, but it seemed somehow inappropriate, even crass. I’ll think about this later, she thought. We’ve got bigger problems right now. Twilight sighed, trying to make herself concentrate on the issue at hand. It was a struggle. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw magenta. Shaking herself mentally, she magically seized a roll of parchment in case she needed to take notes, and forcibly tied her mind down, to prevent it drifting.
At some point, probably everypony that she knew had accused Rainbow Dash of bigheadedness, and it always seemed to bounce right off her. For the most part, her friends regarded her competitiveness and cockiness as endearing traits, with the exception of a few occasions which had become somewhat out of hand. It was painful to watch Dash tearing herself up with self-disgust in this way. You’d all have hated me, I’d have just been another Trixie! These words in particular echoed in Twilight’s head. It was as if the pegasus thought that she had somehow cheated her way into their friendship. As if her many positive facets and list of achievements were utterly unimportant. She had jotted a few words down as she thought, and now looked back over them with a critical eye. At the bottom of the page, two words stood out questioningly: Impostor Syndrome?
Suddenly, seeing the core of the problem written down in front of her, inspiration struck. Twilight skimmed down the bookshelves with her eyes, flicking from section to section. Ornithology, Philosophy, Physics…Aha, Psychology! Using her magic, she gripped a scuffed and well-hoofed copy of Equine Mental Disorders from near the top of the shelf. She remembered this book all too well, having used it to attempt self-diagnosis a short while after the Smarty Pants incident. In the end this had failed, because she had become so irritated with an asymmetrical corner on the page she was reading that she was forced to put it back. In hindsight, she realized that this was probably all the diagnosis that she needed. She would not be distracted this time, however, not even if she spotted any dreaded ink smudges. She had a job to do. Grinning happily at the prospect of imminent study, she lay down, and began flicking through the pages. Dash might be mulling over her problems tonight, but when they met the next day Twilight was also determined not to show up empty-hoofed. It was time to put those eye muscles to work.
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New chapter for you guys, relieved to have gotten this up before Christmas. Sorry it's a bit on the short side, but woo, internal monologues!
This is turning into one of my favourite stories at the moment! I'm off to read the Wikipedia article on Imposter Syndrome now.
85641 Thanks a lot!
Must admit I only heard about Imposter Syndrome myself a short time before I started writing this, but I thought it was a bit more varied than the straight up depression that Dash often suffers from in fanfics. Man, this fanbase loves to be cruel to its characters sometimes...
I apologise for the wall of text this comment's going to take up, but it's necessary IMHO.
First off, let me say I've really enjoyed it to this point. The only thing that really jumped out at me was that one of the paragraphs was FAR too long. I've given a suggestion as to how to break it up below,
I hope she’s okay, Twilight thought
concernedly* with concern as she closed the door. Turning away, she paused. Was I seriously just worrying about sounding flirty? She felt her face become flushed again as she remembered. Now that the haze of worry had passed, and she had time to think about it, the more bothered she was by the last ten minutes. Why did I hug her like that? I guess I was concerned, but still…If she was honest with herself, she knew that something else had come close to happening as they lay together in front of the empty grate. Twilight put a hoof to her head, mentally berating her heart for choosing this moment to spring something like this on her.Oh Celestia, this is such a bad time. I don’t know anything about this kind of thing! <<new paragraph>>This was perfectly true. In the years she had spent under the Princess’s tutelage, it was rare that she would speak more than three consecutive words to another pony outside of study conditions. This isolation had been largely of her own creation, driven by her inclination for academic work, but had largely precluded her from having any kind of romantic involvement with other ponies. She was not entirely oblivious of the feelings involved in such situations. Indeed, she would be a liar if she claimed never to have harboured slightly inappropriate fantasies concerning her regal mentor, (she went even redder at this thought, rapidly locking it back up again in some sealed box in back of her mind.) However, she had honestly never even thought about that sort of thing since she had arrived in Ponyville, particularly not about her friends. She supposed that this was understandable, after all, fighting dragons, hydras and goodness-knows-what else was bound to be fairly distracting. But now, she was forced to accept that seeing Dash without her bluster and abrasive brashness had changed the way she saw her. Suddenly her friend was beautiful. <<additional paragraph break. Probably unnecessary, but it brings Twi's thoughts into sharper focus IMHO>>
“Why now? Why her?” she whispered. Remembering looking into her friend’s eyes made her heart pound almost painfully, seeing Dash’s gentler self behind the gleaming magenta windows, without the shields of boastfulness that she had spent so long building.
<<rest of text as is>>
That's probably about as good as I can do on splitting the paragraph, but that particular paragraph REALLY needs splitting. It affects readability quite a lot. I also felt "becoming flushed" flowed better than "becoming coloured" flows just a smidgin better, but that's *really* a nitpick.
With that out of the way, keep up the good work! That paragraph was the only thing I really have to criticise - the rest of it really is VERY good.
*I'm pretty sure concernedly isn't a word, and even if it is, it sounds clunky here. The comma's probably not needed here with the changes. I've also simplified a sentence there. The italics have been established with the first thought as indicating Twilight's thought, and it's redundant to mention it as her thought one sentence after this has been established.
You don't have to follow my suggestions of course, but I figured, what the hay.
Apologies for the ludicrously long comment.
100518 Thanks so much for the epic comment! It's brilliant to get some detailed feedback.
Now I come to read back over the chapter that paragraph is rather on the enormous side! I'll definitely edit to chop that up a bit. Actually, now I think about it, the last paragraph change you suggested is right at a transition from 'Twilight's-internal-monologue' to 'Twilight-actually-speaking-aloud' so it could easily be regarded as a change in speaking character.
The online dictionary seems to think that 'concernedly' is a word, (although the Microsoft Word spellchecker dictionary doesn't seem to, so the jury's out on that one), but, existent or not, I agree it seems clunky used in that setting.
No need to apologise for the ludicrously long comment, they're the best kind. I'm glad you think that it's generally good!
EDIT: Changes have now been put in. Many thanks again for the feedback!
This is a great story, some of the best characterization I've seen from a Rainbow Dash story. Psh, study for Praxis tomorrow? Nah, TwiDash is all I need!
i just realized I had imposter syndrome during high school, but now in college i am a laid back lazy fatass.
I am loving this story so far.
So far a good story!
I love putting my eye muscles to work, but with stories like this, it's always the most fun
Not even 2 chapters in and already I can feel the emotion your building up in this story. Congrats.
Wow... that's actually a thing? I had no idea.
You my good sir are impressive. It is simply astonishing how you have so very subtly set up a conflict, like this
Damn, I'm so tired.... I'll read one more chapter and then I'm done (Cuz its a good story.
)
wow im soo drawn to this stories excessively interesting detail leading up to an inviting conflict of interests. I find it hard to not keep reading on.
which is a sign that from here on story has all the potential to be most excellent.
too bad your Dad thing is sorta distroyed when Rainbow Dash had a flashback.
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2013/040/b/b/rainbow_dash_and_her_dad_by_jerick-d5uee2r.png
that seems pretty happy to me...
2106422
Happy in one particular moment perhaps. That doesn't mean it was all sunshine and rainbows (pardon the pun).
I enjoyed this chapter, especially towards the end with Twi grabbing a tome of psychology and reading it. My imagination went wild with that one, imagining Twi reading psychology tomes at a voracious rate and becoming a doctorate of psychology fairly swiftly. My thanks to you Ardensfax for that bit of fuel for my imagination. And sharing this story with us, of course.
Aha. I was wondering when the prospect of romance was going to appear in this. Great chapter!
Wow, you did well keeping them in character and it even makes that softer side of RD more believable.
yeah twi give me 50 eye-ups!
3960132 Eye-ups probably are tough for... Wait, what did Lyra call them again? Humans?
Can somepony say 'CDO'?
“I’ll have to think about this stuff,”
2106422 SHHH!!! It's her uncle!
4544977 CDO........ sorry OCD is AOK
i hope this is not going to be a repeat of knock off of double rainboom
(the part where they all face desk)
ask Celestia.
Suddenly the front door exploded sending splinters and bark everywhere. Shocked, Twilight ran back and hid behind a couch, waiting for the smoke to clear up.
A few moments later, Twilight peeked up from her little bunker, only to see an insane looking Lyra Heartstrings scanning the room.
"Where is it?! WHERE'S THE HAND?!"
2106422
Rainbow Blaze was never confirmed to be RD's dad. Though according to the trading card game, he is her mentor. Whether or not he is also related to her/if this information can even be considered 'canon' is unknown. (At least as far as I know.)
And now four years later, it has been officially denied that Rainbow Blaze is RD's dad since Bow Hothoof now exists.
Though now it is still pretty destroyed since her dad's awesome.
2106422
Old comment I know, but that pictures means NOTHING in the context of abuse. And you and everyone else need to acknowledge that. Parents can be abusive and do nice things for their children in public.
In fact, they often do so the kid will be less believed if they say anything.
My own mother was super supportive in front of public but shamed me for every. little. thing. when I was growing up, even into adulthood.