Why must all my favorite ships be made of crack?
A story about Cheerilee and Twilights chance encounter in Canterlot when both mares are forcefully dragged into the nightlife of the big city by their respective friend groups. Moonlit escapades ensue as they try and figure out these feelings bubbling up between them.
MAJOR THANKS TO THE WONDERFUL zx29b FOR HELPING EDIT AND GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND WITH THEIR ADDITIONS TO THE STORY!
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I like the new second chapter. Establishing both sides of the story early is a good idea
When in doubt--and even when you are fairly certain otherwise--"said" is always the best dialogue-mover. The reader hardly notices the word, which allows him to match tone, inflection, and mannerism to the character that he has already built in his own head. It is one of Elmore Leonard's famous literary tricks.
If you are ESL, than I am impressed. Native English speakers tend not to write as coherently as you do.
11098543
Hello,
I have a question, when you read the character dialog do you think it sounds robotic or not natural sounding? I'm excited about feedback on my story, so sorry if I come across as imposing.
I grew up speaking Spanish until 3rd grade, I had to take English learners classes in school and help out my dad and mom with the family restaurant so I put my 110% into learning since they had trouble learning. My Spanish is the worse one of the two languages I know since I never use it. The amount of time I spend on reading my writing over again is at least double the time I spend on writing.
Sincerely,
Bug
11098448
Haha, thanks man,
I know I've said this multiple times before, but chapters 5 and 6 were originally supposed to be chapters 1 and 2. I feel that even though the story was fine as is was, it's a lot better now since I've taken a step back and explained how the characters got to where they're at when I wrote those first couple of chapters.
Bug
11098584
Most of the talking in the first chapter is internal monologueing, so it should read as being largely subdued. The thinking "voice" is mellow, which is how Cheerilee reads when she is thinking. When she is actually speaking to Colgate the reader can imagine Cheerilee's voice delivering the lines. I think I can tell what you are concerned about: even when she actually talks, Cheerilee seems rather calm compared to her relentlessly upbeat cartoon personal. A lot of that can be attributed to her not have a lot of silly antics to react to the way she usually does on the show. There are no Cutie Mark Crusaders around bothering her about her love life, trying to poison her, or releasing a chaos god, so she has thusfar experienced little that would get a rise out of her.
I would say that, if you really want to make Cheerilee's character pop, put her in a situation where you would expect her to behave in an idiomatic way. Have her meet a child in need of encouragement or otherwise expect the best out of a student of any age. Have her be singularly not annoyed by some other character's action that would be terribly irritating to most people. It will be a great opportunity for the reader to really connect with the character Cheerilee.
Colgate is a bit more difficult, because the reader does not have a voice for her already in his mind. There was that one episode with Moon Dancer and Lemon Hearts, but Colgate was named Minuette in that. Is she the same character? She will need some fleshing out before the reader can hear her, so to speak.
Lo estudio español por tres años, pero ahora no lo recuerdo nada. Nobody speaks Spanish around me. If you don't use a language, you lose it.
11098708
You're probably right with the fact that Cheerilee sounds calm. I was going for a 'slightly jaded at life' type of personality when it came to her, nothing big like hating her job or choices she made in life, but something along the lines of her being a person who achieved her dream of becoming a teacher and as a result having nothing else going on in her life besides being a school teacher.
I have the idea of Cheerilee being the type of person who's able to take direct and indirect insults without so much as breaking a sweat, her being a teacher is part of the reasoning behind it. (Kids can be extremely brutal, whether they intend to or not. Plus there's a few fillies in her class that I could think of that fit the description of being brutal.)
Seeing as how the current arc is taking place during a three day weekend in a distant city, I won't be able to write Cheerilee being able to handle multiple frustrating situations revolving around her students; mainly the 2 class bullies and the CMC.
After twilight and cheerilee officially begin their relationship and the story location shifts back to ponyville I'd like to plan on writing a scene or two where maybe an acquaintance (let's say granny smith or diamond tiara for example.) off handedly mention something homophobic accidentally or maybe intentionally and she's able to just outwardly ignore it without blowing a fuse. I knew a few people who were able to do that, one of my ex's was able to and that was part of the reason why we broke up; he was okay with his family directly and indirectly insulting both him and me casually as if they were talking about sports or the news.
As for Colgate, I forgot she had a different name as I'm used to the older fan name that was used back in the early days of the show, similar to bon bon being sweetie drops. She's minutte for all intents and purposes. Should I change her name? Let me know and it'll be done by the next chapter upload.
As for her personality, I haven't seen anything outside of the show itself so i largely based her personality on Rainbow Dash with a slight hint of pinkie pies over the top pinkie-ness in order to equal out the variety of personalities in Cheerilees friend group. It wouldn't be a fun thing to read if most of the characters had the same personality.
As for using or losing a language,, the last time I spoke Spanish was back in sophomore year of highschool in my Spanish class (5 years ago), and before that was whenever my family needed help translating a complicated phrase or sentence.
11098766
Being able to casually disregard barbs, aspersions, and outright insults is absolutely a skill which good teachers cultivate, and that ability would fit Cheerilee's character immensely. The kids who do not mean to be insulting always say the worst things. Case in point: the Cutie Mark Crusaders bugging Cheerilee about why she does not have a very special somepony in "Hearts and Hooves Day." The kids whom she actually likes will probably be the ones to ask her how she and Twilight hump when they both have innies meaning nothing unkind by it.
The character of Colgate that you describe seems very similar to Minuette from that one episode that I forgot the title of from back in season five or something. If you want readers to hear that voice, it would make sense to change her name, but if you want to build her up yourself I would say to keep her name as-is. It will take some page space to establish Colgate's character as something new, which is not necessarily a bad thing if you think that you can make her interesting.
Oh the well thought out and informed decisions individuals make when they are drunk. Other than everyone getting drunk pretty fast I think this was a well done chapter for setting the central conflict in motion. I know writing for drunk ponies can be challenging, I've had my own issues before. But I could definitely see the transition as they rapidly became inebriated. Also, I feel like I know who the band Lotus juice is but can't place it.
11141238
Lotus juice worked on the ost for persona 3 and 4, but they have tons of other albums and etc from before and after their work on the series. If you like foreign hip hop id give them a listen, also soul'd out is also foreign hip hop group aswell that i like. (Their song magenta magenta is my favorite)
Also, its been forever since we've last talked, how's it going?
11141332
That's probably how I know them. My wife is into persona and she always grabs the music to stuff she likes. Sort of how I have a ton of R.W.B.Y. music on my phone.
Hey, welcome back
11283085
lol thanks
And now they're running from authority figures. Well, kinda. But whatever, it hopes the drama which will only bring them closer. I'm also curious now what will happen to Rarity at the bar. Nice to see you back, hope everything is ok.
11292927
nothing bad has been happening while I was away, Life just got busy is all. I travel for work sometimes and I also tend to put in a lot of overtime without being given a heads up before hand, I think the max amount of time I've been given was 2 days and wasn't given an estimate of how much overtime I was being given. Stuff like that and coming back home, or to wherever I'm staying if I'm out of state, and finding my laptop dead, dinner needing to be cooked, or the house chores undone are the main causes to this lol.
As for what the next chapter will be like... well, it'll be sort of different from this one is all I'll say. If this story was a record and it's been on the A-side until this point, then next chapter would be on the B-side. If that makes any sense.
11294039
Good to hear everything is going OK. Newest chapter was great btw. I love how weird friendships can happen. Although why the frick does angel bunny have a social security number??? Also how long is it gonna be before Shining Armor claims that bet
11307199
lol, thanks for worrying about me. As for why angel bunny has a social security number? ummm.... tax evasion? yeah, let's go with that. lol.
That was a good chapter goodluck with the next one.
11308274
Thanks for the comment, it's always nice to hear someone enjoying what I put out.
That was a good chapter. Goodluck with the next one.
I like the vibe so far, the premise is interesting and Cheerilee's characterisation is neat so far, definitely gonna continue reading ^^
My only issue with the content is that not much is happening. There's a lot of buildup to Twi and Cheerilee meeting, and not all of it feels justified. Quite a few scenes feel like pointless padding. For instance, the school scene and the post-work scene. One of these two would have been enough to get the message across. Hell, I would have scrapped both of the scenes and included their details into the train scene.
I'm just voicing my opinion as requested in Ch1's author's notes.
The short of it is that there are issues with word repetition, and some sentences are a bit rough around the edges. If you happen to still be looking for another editor, I might be able to put aside some time to help. If not, I can make some comments about stuff I notice, though I wouldn't be on active lookout for it.
The description of Cheerilee's lawn doesn't really feel like it serves a purpose, either.
in essence, the biggest piece of advice I'd give is to start in the middle. Start very close to them meeting, and work from there.
Don't get me wrong, though, even though I complain it's really not a huge deal and it's not like I'd expect you to rewrite the whole fic
There's also a few prose-related issues that I picked up on, but quoting each occurrence is more effort that I'm willing to put in right now
11472148
honestly, having a third set of eyes on this would be a blessing. The version you're reading is one that has gone through my own eyes and then the eyes of my editor, this version is at least 3 time better than the original as mine own english skills when it comes to writing is not all that great. I was, and still am, going for a slow burn type of story so I can see what you mean; but I still appreciate your critiques. With that said I might seek you out during the editing process for the next chapter. (However long it takes for me to get around to it lol.)
Geez, poor Cheerilee. I'd go insane if my mother was even 10% as annoying as Cheerilee's xD
11473512
despite being a bit overbearing she still cares deeply about her daughter. I feel like that's the best type of parent lol, at least mine were like that and it's a lot better than some alternatives.
This was fun. I was looking forward to the two meeting for the entire fic, and they did so in the most interesting way. I love the idea of the two bonding over nerdy stuff, and their drunken shenanigans were quite a blast to read. I'm excited to see what comes next. Is Cheerilee gonna wake up in Twi's room? Vice-versa? Are they gonna think they did the do? Are Colgate and Rarity gonna go down the same path as Twi and Cheer? (Based choice to keep Colgate's fandom name, by the way.)
Glad to say I'm properly hooked.
Still, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have some small complaints about this chapter and the previous one (moreso the previous one, admittedly). it feels like the characters get drunk the moment alcohol gets into their stomach. I get they're supposed to be lightweights, but even lightweights need to absorb it into their system first
Also, having their hiccups be vocalised kinda stands out too much, in my opinion. It's something you can show off once, or you can show it in the dialogue tags, but having it be in most of a character's dialogue gets bothersome to read pretty quick. Doesn't help I don't like the hiccuping drunk trope because it's pretty rare for it to happen, at least in my experience.
11474072
I agree with the hiccupping issue in this chapter, writing drunken dialogue like that wasn't the best of choices looking back on it. It's been a while since I've reread my story, but I believe it gets a bit better next chapter. I will say that originally the stuttering that the characters do was tenfold worse due to me originally going with the kind that goes like this "I-I T-think t-the sky's the limit" but the editor that I ran this chapter through did a fantastic job at cleaning up the stuttering aspect of this chapter.
As for the alcohol hitting them immediately, it was mainly due to me not being able to come up with enough dialogue or scenes in-between them drinking and them getting ready to leave that felt necessary. while writing this chapter felt like it was a tossup between the characters getting wasted a bit too early or having the scene feel like it dragged on, and I chose the former due to already being behind schedule for uploads.
I really appreciate the feedback, in the future having knowledge of these things will hopefully help me avoid them in the future.
11474080
Oof, yeah, that would definitely have been worse xD
As for the getting wasted quickly part, in a situation like that I would have gone for a few short timeskips. It's especially a good idea in a fic like this since you could make them implicit by switching POVs.
These last two chapters were a real treat to read. Love the way you wrote Shining and Cadance.
11476031
I honestly love ships where the two characters have already been in the relationship for a while before the story starts, I feel like it gives way for the author to either focus on fluff or drama/story progression not related to the "will they; won't they" usually found in stories where the main focus is the pair entering a relationship. It's one of the reasons why Lyra and Bon Bon are a top tier one right alongside Shining and Cadance.
By the way, what was your thoughts on the strange friendship of Luna and Fluttershy? I tried to give Luna a bit of screen time and came up with the scenes in the last two chapters because I want her to become a supporting character that reappears every couple chapters as a wing mare of sorts, possibly due to twilight either asking for relationship advice in a very roundabout way, or maybe having Luna overhear it somehow.and become a sort of weird aunt type character that gives twilight extremely outdated dating advice that may have been considered terrible even back in the olden days, failing to even realise that Twilight asks for advice about isn't a stallion
11476057
I'll be honest, the Luna/FS friendship feels a tad forced. It's pretty interesting, so I didn't hate it, but bonding over the gory details of medicine is not really something I'd imagine Fluttershy doing. On top of that, during the first half of that chapter I was really excited to see where Twi and Cheerilee's shenanigans would lead them, so the first part of that chapter just kinda felt like it was in the way. (In contrast, the scene with Shining and Cadence was super interesting because I could just tell they were going to stumble upon Twi, or vice-versa)
I like that idea for Luna in the grand scheme of things, though. Sounds like it would make for some really fun scenes.
11476068
I appreciate the honesty and I can see what you mean about their friendship being a tad forced, when writing it I believe it was just after I finished watching monty python and the holy grail and its humor sort of became incorporated into the story by way of the gore. In the future if their friendship ever come up again, I plan of trying to instead shift the focus on something else, my current ideas include something like Luna bonding with fluttershy due to the two of them getting along with animals more than they do with ponies. fluttershy with being scared of other ponies but not animals, and other ponies being scared of Luna but animals not being afraid of her.
11476081
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, and it's a side of Luna's you don't often see explored.
Also,
>getting influenced by other fiction as you're writing the story
Based, I'm glad I'm not the only one who does so on a whim.
11476057
Luna giving relationship advice from ye olden days makes me think of that one bit from Conan the Destroyer.
https://invidious.flokinet.to/watch?v=WPkhh5JytYE&nojs=1
11480666
YES, I bursted out laughing to that video just now.
I FUCKING LOVE HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY!!!
Encore! Encore!