Consideration
Chapter III: Consideration
The drenched wash cloth feels cold against my face, but it still stings when it presses against my left cheek and nose. I guess that’s a bit of irony from the world, isn’t it? It turns out that the texture on the back of my head was dried blood, but it seems that I’m not cut too badly. At least, I think so. Applying a disinfectant to the back of my head gently, I can’t help but grimace at the constant stings of pain. It’s pretty disheartening, to look in the cracked mirror and see the injuries all over me. Or, more specifically, to my face. A siren’s goal is to conquer and make those below her kneel. At least, that’s happiness, right? But here I am, battered and shown that just as easily as I can gain power, my hubris can take it away.
“Is there really only one way to be happy?” I say to my reflection, almost expecting an answer. To me, there’s only been one way to be happy in this world. That method has been taken away from me and I suppose I deserve it. After all that’s happened, it feels like life has no meaning anymore. If I can’t be happy, then what is the point in breathing?
My hand grabs the cotton swabs and gently wipes away the remaining blood on my upper lip and under my nose. One thing can’t seem to leave my mind though. That damn thing Sunset told me… She tried to tell me that I can be happy too, but in what way? I sigh and open the file cabinet, grabbing a pill container and swallowing two headache relievers. Why am I even considering her advice? If anything, she’s the one that would try to ruin my life even more than she already has, right? It just feels too… skeptical to try and believe in her. My eyes look back down to the counter after drinking some water, focusing on my purse. The handle of the revolver pokes out a bit from the purse and a part of it shines. I avert my eyes almost immediately after, trying to keep my composure in front of my own reflection.
Sunset’s words can’t seem to leave my mind. I guess it’s because I’ve run out of options so far, other than the one in my purse or her advice. It’s awfully ironic that her words are the ones that I think about, considering the fact that she ruined me. I hate her. I hate what she did to me. But… when it comes down to it, she is the only one who wants to help. She tries to give me advice about life out of her own free time. I almost hate her more for that. She always has to be the hero, right? To try and redeem herself.
It still feels like a lie to believe I can be happy without power. I’ve never felt that way before and it pretty much goes against my own nature as a siren. Looking back at my purse, my mouth tilts into a frown and I push the bag away from me. It would be the honorable thing to do if I pulled that trigger again, right? To exit this world with the last bit of dignity to my name. But is it wrong of me to want to be happy..? A heavy sigh exits my lips as I slump against the bathroom wall, sliding down until I am sitting on the floor. Maybe honor and dignity aren’t existent anymore. If I’ve already failed this badly, maybe I should go ahead and try my hand at being happy in other ways. I mean, if it fails, I could always go back to that option…
I gently rest my head against my knees and run my fingers through my hair, trying to think about my life and the situation I’ve been put in. My life will only keep going downhill if I don’t change anything, but there’s still the chance that being happy in other ways is impossible for me. I’ve clearly lost my own power and there’s little to no hope of ever getting it back. Think, Adagio. Think. If there’s a chance at being happy in life without power, is it worth it…?
Slowly, I extend my hand out in the air and grab onto nothing, acting like I am shaking another person’s hand. “You win, Sunset. I’ll try your dumb advice.”
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Music begins to play loudly into my ears, echoing around the room. Opening my eyes, I groan loudly and harshly press the button on top of my alarm. The flat pillow that I rest my head on isn’t particularly the softest pillow I’ve ever had. It’s actually pretty rough when it comes to quality, which didn’t help my awfully bruised cheek. It’s even more annoying to hear those birds outside, singing out that the morning is here. If I could, I would call into work and say that I’m sick, but with my phone missing, that is easier said than done.
I push my skinny arms against the bed and prop myself up on my knees. Honestly, I can’t remember when my arms got skinnier. Maybe they always were? I’m not sure. At least they don’t look like a skeleton’s arms. I push my legs off the ledge of the bed and inspect them slightly. Everyone told me my legs are stunning, and visually, they are. From the thighs down, they looked like a model’s legs. I even make sure to paint my toenails and fingernails to appeal to the audience. But my thighs… They look alright from a distance. My right thigh has four or five small little lines, all parallel to each other. They’re not noticeable from a distance or if I have leggings on, but it is still a bit shameful to have them, considering how I should be beautiful in all ways. It only happened after Sonata and Aria left, but it turns out I’m too much of a coward to continue. So much for the strong Adagio.
I brush my hand through my hair and stand up from the one person bed. I agreed last night to take on Sunset’s advice somehow. Even if I don’t believe in it, it is better to live a happy and useless life than a sad and worthless one. Maybe that’s disrespectful as a siren. Like I should care anymore. I don’t have much left of my life, so damn it all.
The problem is that I don’t know how to approach Sunset’s words. It’s odd to even consider that Sunset, of all people, may be right in some form, but if she’s wrong, I can always take the second option. I shake my head and look around my room for clean clothes to wear. I don’t really have pajamas, so it's preferred that I dress myself quickly to avoid the cold. I guess the heater turned off again last night. The worst part about it is that the landlord refuses to fix it themselves.
As I change from my night shirt into a purple shirt with long sleeves and black beads in the shape of a diamond on the chest, I try to think about what I could try to do to “be happy” without power. What do ponies usually do to have a boring little life? People. They’re people, Adagio. I breathe in and out and wince as I pull my jeans on. I guess my calves still hurt from all the walking I had to do last night.
“Usually, people seem to… enjoy hobbies?” I say to myself, raising my eyebrow at the thought. It’s a confusing thing to be honest. “What sort of hobbies would Adagio enjoy?” The question is asked in a satirical tone, rolling my eyes slightly. “Power and cherry cheesecake. One of those is gone and the other is too expensive.” Pulling on my black socks, I push my feet into the second pair of boots I have owned ever since before Canterlot High. They are still pretty sturdy, surprisingly. At least they’re better than the dollar store boots. “Maybe decorating? I did create this shirt,” I say, admiring the bead work I did about a year and a half ago. Although, decorating still costs money I don’t have. Think, Adagio. Think.
“People like to… help each other. Right…?” A memory of the posters on the lamp post from last night comes to me pretty clearly. Yeah, people seem to be happy from helping each other in any way they can. I suppose it’s the only purpose of their small lives. “‘Make your life a happy one by helping those in need’, right? I think that’s what one of those papers said.” I wrap a scarf around my neck and walk out the door of my bedroom. Outside my bedroom is a small hallway where the bathroom is to the right and a storage closet is to my left. The heater also happened to be in this storage closet, right behind the wall next to the door. I sigh, and the corners of my mouth tilt downward before I thump the wall with my forearm as I walk past it. Instantly, the heater comes back on, taking about five seconds to turn the fire on and heating the air.
I walk out of the hallway to my small living room. All I have in this room is a coffee table, a sofa, and an armchair. It isn’t the best in the world, and I would definitely have more furniture in here if I could, but with my salary and the space, this is all that is allowed. To the right of the living room is a kitchen so small that only one person can be in there at a time, practically. To the left is the front door, decorated with only a small letter holder to catch any mail that comes through. My eyes widen slightly as I see two envelopes in the letter holder, one blue and one pink. So, they sent another postcard.
Walking to the front door, I open it and ignore the envelopes for now. They can wait until I get back home. Locking the door behind me, I smell the air and let out a small sigh of relief. Now, helping. That’s as good of a start as any, I suppose. That means I might as well find that poster. You better be right, Sunset.
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Unlike at night, people are bustling around the streets and sidewalks, going about their daily lives. Perhaps more than usual with the holidays approaching. Everyone says “Merry Christmas!” to each other, assuming that everyone has someone to spend the holidays with. Some people are just losers with no friends or family who care about them. And then there are… loners, like me.
Retracing my way home from last night, I end up having to pass by Halo Bakery again. I can’t resist looking in the window once more at that treat from another world. Some may even say the heavens if they believe in that sort of thing. It’s cherry topping drips down the sides, evenly covering most of the cheesecake slice. The crust itself looks expertly made. I can’t help but admire the craftsmanship. But, as quickly as I find myself hungry for the slice, a hand removes the cherry delight from the window of the store. I blink slightly, looking up confused and see a woman and her two children buying the slice of cheesecake, as well as other treats. My stomach growls and I start to feel anger build inside of me, but I guess another part of me feels… sad.
I take a couple steps away from the store quickly. Maybe it’s a good thing. I mean, if they don’t replace that slice, I can finally walk home in peace every night. At least, in peace from that delicacy. Without realizing it, my hands start to search my empty pockets, causing me to breathe in heavily when I feel nothing. Of course it’s normal for me to not have the money to buy it. Or anything else in that shop. I should have made myself a sandwich before leaving the apartment. A sandwich of bread and peanut butter… Yeah, I doubt that could compare to the taste of a cherry cheesecake. I chuckle slightly to myself. I doubt anything could compare.
I keep walking away from the bakery, down the street I had first seen that flier. Maybe it’s still there. Though, it still fills me with disgust to think about trying to help these people have better lives. Huh. I finally called them people. I guess I just jinxed myself, but still. Finally correcting myself proves that I still have my intellect. I guess it’s a proud little moment, but it fades just as quickly. I shake my head slightly and see the lamp post from before just ahead of me. Thinking of what I am about to do, I can’t help but sigh heavily. Maybe I am wrong. What if this is all just one big scam? My hand shakes slightly in my pocket, but I try to calm my nerves.
“Come on, Adagio. You said so yourself. It’s worth a try. To be… happy instead of powerful.” Walking up to the lamp post, I look at the fliers that are still left hanging. One of them is the one I saw last night for Hooves Homeless Shelter. Perfect. My hand hesitates to grab the paper at first, but when I grab it, I finally see the address of the shelter. The location on the map is a bit fuzzy, but it seems to be just outside of town. I rub my forehead with my fingers slightly, trying to massage the headache away. Gritting my teeth, I start to walk south of the bakery. It seems this walk is going to be a long one. Of course they have to be outside of town. I can already feel the future blisters on my feet from this trip. Out of all days, I just had to follow Sunset’s advice today, huh?
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The breeze brushes my hair out of my face as I walk down a gravel road. Every couple of minutes, I think about turning back and going home. Holding the flier, I have to keep reminding myself to walk forward. “Remember, Adagio… If this doesn’t work, you can always take the second option,” I say to myself, looking down at my purse. I groan slightly, but I try to not let the thought get to me. This has to work. It has to.
I sigh to myself, looking at the sun for a moment. If I remember correctly, this world doesn’t have a ruler who controls the day and night cycle, so it’s pretty consistent here. Raising my hand straight in the air, I make the shape of a “L” with my fingers. I suppose it’s right around 12 PM. Given the position of the sun compared to my arm, I can usually guess the time of day it is currently. The moon is a bit trickier since it’s so dark at night, but the sun stands high in the sky for now. I don’t have to be at work until around three in the afternoon, so I can try to “help” at this homeless shelter for an hour. At least, I think an hour? It really depends on if I’m right about my estimation of what time it is.
As I walk down the gravel path, I notice that it’s gotten darker than just a few minutes before. Looking around, I see that the trees got closer to the road and the branches cover more area than previously. Great. Just what I need, less light. Honestly, nature itself always… disturbs me. Technically, all of these plants around me are alive, but they don’t know the struggles of sentient creatures like me. Besides, the darkness always leaves you vulnerable. Touching my cheek again, I close my eyes. At least in the light, you can pretend to be safe and that you can see anything coming at you.
Breathing in heavily, I wrap my arms around myself. When did I get scared of the dark? I used to be able to conquer anything and nothing scared me besides the damn embodiment of chaos. Even he didn’t necessarily scare me. He just wanted to make everything nonsensical. Was it after I lost my gemstone? Even without it, I still maintain my confident exterior. That is who I am. Adagio, leader of sirens and all races, why would I be scared of something as mundane as the dark? Maybe it’s because I have new limits…
An old siren tale says that when a siren loses her potential to dominate and control, the world itself will swallow her into the darkness of Tartarus. It’s a silly old tale, but something that can still bring a cold sweat to adult sirens if it’s told by a skilled enough story teller. Over time, this tale has been manipulated into different ways. That the world can use a variety of methods to punish useless sirens. Even by making it look purely circumstantial. Maybe a siren is murdered and the killer has an ulterior motive. Some still believe that is a case of this folklore. Eventually, it’s believed that most deaths, other than of old age, contribute to being punished for your useless life. Honestly, I still don’t believe it. I thought, if anything, I would be the punishment for those sirens, but now, it looks like a mere fairy tale.
Perhaps I am being punished for losing my power. The punishment being forced to live as a worm like all the other mortals. Worst of all, it’s my fault. It can’t be true. If there really is no happiness left in this world for me, then it all needs to end. I breathe in and look up ahead of me. I force a smile on my face as I see the trees spread farther apart at a clearing. When did I last smile legitimately? Other than when I laughed at Sunset’s advice yesterday. A year ago?
The clearing is about as large as a normal shopping mall these days, but most of it is just empty space and grass. In the center is a building with a sign that proudly displays the name Hooves Homeless Shelter. Outside the building, there are multiple tables with stacks of supplies like blankets, food, and clothes. For a moment, I wonder why they are giving away supplies outside instead of keeping them for the residents of the shelter. Gently, I rub my temple, approaching the tables set up outside. Multiple people walk in line to get supplies, just to walk back to the city. I suppose it makes a little sense. The amount of shame and guilt probably makes even the most desperate of these individuals want to turn around and walk away, leaving only around half of the ponies taking up a bed in the center.
Quickly, I slap my hand and grimace at the pain of it. I keep trying to tell myself that they’re people, not ponies, yet the concept alludes me every so often. I frown and sigh, finally walking up to one of the tables, cutting in front of a man and presumably his wife. The girl at the table looks slightly familiar to me, though I’m not sure why. The little girl looks up at me and a look of shock and confusion paints her face.
“What?” I ask in an annoyed tone, looking down at the small girl with pale yellow skin. Her red hair bobs to her movements. A big magenta bow adorns her head and makes her look younger than she probably is.
“A-Adagio…?” her voice says in a meek tone. I raise my eyebrow in confusion at her response. Apparently, she knows me. “W-what are you doing here?” Am I supposed to know this brat?
“I’m here to… volunteer.” My voice sounds as uncertain as I am just being here. Helping isn’t my strong suit, nor do I favor it. Her eyes watch me, looking me up and down with concern in her stare. “Am I supposed to know you?” I finally ask, fed up with her constant stares and weird behavior towards me. Her eyes widen and she chuckles nervously.
“I-I’m um… Apple Bloom. I-it’s just surprising. Seeing you here and all.” Her gaze averted mine and down to her boots. “I-if ya want to help out around here, you’ll have to go inside. I’m kinda helping these people here.” For a moment more, I want to break the table she sits behind. What is that supposed to mean? Why would it be surprising for a brat to see me here? Why would she-
Suddenly, everything begins to click together. One of Sunset’s friends is Applejack. Doesn’t she have a sister that also attends Canterlot High? I grimace and lower my head, walking away from the table. Of course I meet someone from that damn school here. Now the news of Adagio helping at a stupid homeless shelter will circle around, making me seem soft. Worst of all, it could get back to Sunset and her friends. I cup my face with my hands and sigh.
Why does everything have to come back and bite me like a snake? Just like a snake’s venom, everything slowly becomes poisoned. I slowly sigh as I walk up to the door, opening it and walking inside the warmer interior. Along the walls, big murals of art are painted on three of the four walls of the big main room. On the left side of the room, there were beds aligned next to one another. On the right side of the room, there is a large aisle of counters with different kinds of foods that are being given out. If I have to guess, the room is probably 100 to 150 feet along each wall, but I can’t quite be certain. What makes me almost choke on my own saliva is the pictures the murals displayed.
Along each wall, a huge painting depicts a picture of Sunset and her friends in different settings. Looking at the bottom left of each picture, the name Rarity is painted in gold, showing the artist who made these murals. Of course… I bring my hand to my forehead and rub slightly. Why do they have to be everywhere I go? This just rubs salt into that life long wound…
Lifting my head, I walk up to the foodline and try to find who is in charge. It turns out that an elderly woman seems to be running the place most days of the week. She has white hair and green skin and she talks for way too long, rambling on about stories from her own youth in passing conversation. Faking my smile the whole time, she eventually gives me a job I can do to help the process go along faster. I have to give out vegetarian-friendly hot dogs to the people who pass by, if they want them. This is going to be a lovely day…
Putting on my rubber gloves and an apron, I push my hair back and walk up to the counter, grabbing one of the gross foods and getting ready to serve it. The first person who asks for one is an elderly man with a white beard and gray skin. He was the history professor at Canterlot High when I was there, but judging by his appearance, it seems he probably isn’t working there anymore. I try my best to feel sorry for him and be happy giving him one of the hot dogs, but it just doesn’t come to me. I really try to. What’s the secret?
I smile as each new person passes by me, occasionally handing out the food I am assigned to. None of them make me happy so far. It just feels like yet another mindless chore, boring into my mind like a shovel into the ground. Eventually, I overhear a conversation between an elderly man and the woman who is in charge of the shelter most of the time which snaps my mind back to reality.
“When is that granddaughter of yours going to get married?” he asks her in a soft voice.
“Well, it ain’t soon, I tell ya. Applejack seems like she wants to wait to get married until she’s out of college. She even has a long term girlfriend she loves! Rarity I think it is.” Her face shows that she feels a bit disappointed in her granddaughter’s decision. I didn’t know this old hag is the grandmother of Applejack. I shake my head and try to look away. “I’m telling ya I was already married by her age! Now, I don’t mind her a-waiting, but if she’s so in love, what point is there in waiting? Those two girls already act like they’re married!” Huh. Applejack and Rarity are in a relationship? That’s quite… interesting. It’s a nice bit of information I could use if I ever needed to blackmail them. I…
I shake my head and hand out another hot dog. Blackmailing doesn’t work on a couple that is open about their status. Not only that, but… It’s wrong, right? Yeah, right. Wait, not right. It’s right, but not right. Ugh… I sigh heavily, rubbing the temples of my head for a second. Why did this have to be so confusing at times? I breathe a deep breath in and give out the last hot dog. Given what the old woman said, I have to go to the back and get another tray by now. As I take a quick look around before leaving, I see something that catches my eye. A couple people down from me, another woman is giving out desserts. One such dessert happened to be it. The stupid cake that’s almost always on my mind.
Why are they giving that away? I thought this was a homeless shelter, how do they have the money to give out multiple slices to this scum? These worms? Why…? I quickly turn around and walk into the back room to get more hot dogs to give out, but the thought of there maybe being a second tray of these slices inhabits my mind. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find any such tray, after looking through almost all of the storage. My eyes turn downward before closing and I grit my teeth, clutching the counter’s edge tightly.
“First that fucking family… Now these worms… Why can’t I have anything that makes me happy?” I ask myself through a whisper. I start to feel tears come to my eyes again, but I push back the desire. Of course, it’s all going to everyone else. Power, control. My life just has to go down the drain, right? All of this helping people hasn’t made me feel happy at all. “If anything, helping these people makes me feel even worse, like I, Adagio, need to stoop so low to find happiness.” I grimace, grabbing at my hair. All of this while Sunset and her friends have happy little lives, finding love and not having the urge to just take another damn shot.
All of this is fruitless. Walking here, volunteering, helping those in need… All of it… Sunset is wrong yet again. I would chuckle to myself, but I feel a knot forming in my throat. Of course it’s all wrong… I’m a siren. I only feel happy by conquering the small worms beneath my feet, but that was taken away from me. I should have ignored her advice to begin with. Standing up, I throw the rubber gloves off and tear the apron from my body. Quickly, I open my purse and look inside of it. I fucking said it. If this didn’t work, I would always have this to turn to. Maybe my life truly is worthless. Maybe it just needs to end right now. It didn’t work, period. It was stupid of me to look for something to be happy…
I just need to take that shot.
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Harrowing as per usual. Keep it up !
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Thank you! I'm glad you like it! Chapters 4 and 5 will release on Christmas.
wow, just...wow
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I hope you liked the story! I'm not quite sure what kind of wow that is, but yeah~
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wow for everything! but yeah, in a good way, I like it a lot
I show more friend you story, they love it
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Chapters 4 and 5 will be out on December 25th, so be sure to tell your friends and read it if you want to~ As always, have a good day!
Thanks! I don't have many friends who are also into MLP, so it's nice to know you have friends you can show stories too! And I'm glad you think my story is good enough to share with friends~
P.S. Tell your friends they're always welcome to give criticism they think of or such! I'm always open to hear others' thoughts~
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we can do friends :3
good, and sorry for not answer soon, I get busy with the festivities, my birthday, the gifts, etc.
and yeah, they love to comment stories.
i think a fanfic about how the rainboom dealt with the aftermath of the sirens' suicides would be great. there're quite few about sunset's and they're mostly godsend-quality entertainment.
You can be happy Adagio, but your powers won't make it better.
You won't be regretting this Adagio.
Wait, who's Adagio referring to?
You really shouldn't be worried Adagio.
Wait, 'rubs salt into that life long wound?'
Don't go down that path Adagio!