Twilight is lost in another world which is already facing an extra terrestrial terror. Will these strange humanoid creatures see Twilight as a friend or foe? Will she ever go back? And what will happen to her home while she is lost?
Chapters (11)
MaxFlames
Joined 13th Oct, 2021 ·
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Damn, Talk about a dark start, but what would I expect from XCOM. The aliens just murder everything in sight. You have my attention, I wonder if this will be going in a different direction compared to the other XCOM stories I've read on here.
Keep it up mate, I want to see where this goes.
11082333
Hi there. I am trying to do my own thing with this, but this is my first fanfiction so I'm not too sure I won't pull from the other fics too much, but your support is appreciated. I'm also open to any suggestions you may have.
11082441
To be honest, I don't want to provide "suggestions" as How I look at that, it would be me helping you lead the story. As to where, I want to see where you take it, I might be looking at it wrong, but that's what I think on the term of suggestion in this context.
In a question to feedback. I will add it does feel a bit quick this start, I had some real thinking over it to word myself better, and to not put you down, because I don't like putting people down on something they put their enjoyment into.
Maybe do a build up before Twilight's disappearance, as she prepares for this ceremony of unveiling the statue of defeating the three that tried to destroy Equistra, and she's been experiencing a sense of dread ever since she woke up. Build on this as it would make a pretty interesting start to the story.
I will add the Idea of her suddenly vanishing like that is great, and keeping it unknown as that leaves a mystery element to the story, who did it? What happened? I'm a sucker for mystery, BTW.
But take it as you will, and I'm truly interested to see how you take it. I hope this was helpful.
11083546
It was, thank you.
I'm already hooked as I remember playing the original X-Com game as well as the sequel X-Com 2: Terror from the Deep. Anyways I enjoyed reading both chapters and I do hope that Twilight can figure out a way to communicate with the X-Com personnel before they decide to terminate her.
11086261
That's great to hear. Never played the original games, but I do like the new ones. I'm glad you liked it.
11086712
You're very welcome.
Cool. I'm always up for more MLP/XCom. It's a promising start. I enjoyed the glimpses of characterisation we've had so far. The aside about Vahlen's habits and her holding back her annoyance at Shen, an engineer, weighing in on her field was delightful.
A couple things I'd note:
Firstly -and I know this is very generic advice- but slow down, it's not a race. You opened both chapters with a good amount of detail and context, which only makes it more noticeable how rushed the second halves feel. Maybe you're going for the trope of fast-paced writing during action scenes to emphasise panic in the perspective character. But if so there needs to be a bit more tonal contrast with the surrounding paragraphs. The thin man 'fight' flows fairly well, because it goes from the slow and ominous museum scene to panic and fear. But then Lawrence's scene is far too sparse on details for how much action it covers. It feels tacked on.
The second chapter follows almost exactly the same pacing: Detailed opening, panic scene, bullet points. A couple of extra paragraphs leading into Twilight and Vahlen's panic would go a long way to frame the action. Let Twilight examine her cage and captors in a bit more detail before suddenly:torture. Maybe have Vahlen observe in detailed, horrified fascination as the cartoon horse shears apart equipment that can subdue a berserker before everything hits the fan and things speed up again. Also she seems rather lax at her job - it was a little jarring how quickly they went from basic observations to
tortuAlien Containment. She mentions testing the food traces, why not take some tissue samples, an x-ray etc?Secondly, you're wearing your Stardust inspirations a little blatantly. That's not necessarily bad - we all build on the work of others, and you've made changes (Watching a thin man shoot a child was a whole gloriously different kind of traumatising than meet-and-greet with a chryssalid). But with how rushed some of it is, it feels like you're just going through a 'popular X-Com crossover intro' checklist.
Sorry, that turned into a wall. I ramble because I'm invested. Your writing and storytelling is good, when you actually let it show. I consider it a good sign that you're only 3k words in and I'm eager for more.
11086729
No, that's fine. I'm happy with any feedback, since this is my first fic. I'll try to slow down the later parts, and think on how to better make this one different.
Reminds me of one of my favorite stories, Stardust
11103124
Ya, It was my inspiration to actual write fanfiction at all, and I saw there weren't many other fic like it. I hope I'm not pulling too much from it
Interesting. The Administration will continue to observe this reality.
11111780
{Seems we got some more attention then planned. Keep an eye on this Administration}
Does anyone here play/remember Commander Keen? 'Cause this scene reminds me of Commander Keen for some reason.
Hold up. Isn’t this Arad’s Stardust?
Priorities
11117802
He actual thought it was a prank, and was told later it was an actual alien.
11117704
Nope, but it does start out similarly
11117646
{Seems they caught on and are commenting normally. do the same}
Never heard of it, in truth
11117979
Still, I like his priorities.
11117983
Me too
Is this based off of another story?
11120012
Yes, the Stardust Fic, but I thought it would be good to make one of my own. It will have more differences from Stardust as it goes on
Oh for Heaven's sake...
It's 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th now.
You are obviously not American, because this is something that's taught in Kindergarten.
should be
11:20 AM
'AM', and 'PM', are always capitalized letters.
Also, always put a space between the last number and them.
11127186
Ok, in my defense, I was focused on everything else, not the dates. I noticed that after the fact, and will fix then today or tomorrow, since I need to do some major edits to the chapter I was going to post
Call me slow to pick up, but what did she show them?
11136060
I'll say in the next chapter
I look forward to continuing
11141935
Glad to hear, I'm posting the next chapter later today actually
Did you ever read Stardust or Mente Materia? This feels like it was inspired by those stories.
11142496
It was, and they where the reason I'm writing fan fiction at all
I imagine when she returns home there, as in the G5, everyone will quarrel.
11145541
... Maybe
your fanfic matches my dreams what will happen if alicorn twilight gets into xcom
11145606
Interesting... You mind elaborating in the email thing here?
11145740
I can tell my invented story, only it can be incomprehensible in some places. I communicate through a translator.
11146067
Alright then. I would love to hear it though
11146072
It will be like just a plot and not a full-fledged fanfic, I tried to write a fanfic, I can’t, does not work
11146201
oh, I see
are you really running out of ideas for chapters, or is the title like that?
11153763
Running out of chapter titles, not chapters themselves
11153809
That's what I asked.
11153827
Alright
11153990
so need help
11154392
That would be nice