The abyss

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Wandering dark tunnels Twilight tries to find a way out, but is it even real, or is it an elaborate trap by sinister forces. Determined to get out she writes down her experince in a journal hoping to save what little sanity she has left.

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Comments ( 8 )

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wat

wat #1 · Sep 12th, 2012 · · ·

I found my way back to a cavern that I haven’t been in for a year or so.

Don't you mean have?

I cant believe I just thought about it now! what is a journal doing down here? I haven’t seen anything else for weeks after finding it, could I be losing my mind? if I had a journal when I fell then why was it just laying in a tunnel, and why did it take me three and a half years to write in it? this is disturbing. Why don’t I remember anything about finding it!...what’s happening to me?

Capitalize, bro.

I'm too lazy to point out the rest, so I leave you with this:

Remember to use apostrophes. I suggest googling basic grammar, no offense, but I think it would make your story have an element of quality too it if you cleared up some of the mistakes.

Pokey the Unicorn

Pokey the Unicorn #2 · Sep 12th, 2012 · · ·

This looks good! I'll read later, stand by.

RisingComet

RisingComet #3 · Sep 12th, 2012 · · ·

126281

1. There are countless different caverns and tunnels, it's a giant system of them.

2. The grammar is partly me, as well as my note pad program. I don't get to us an actual computer very often so I wanted to at least get this up. And it hasn't been proof read either.

RisingComet

RisingComet #4 · Sep 12th, 2012 · · ·

Hopefully things will be smoothed out later this afternoon and every thing will be fixed. I've asked someone to read and fix all the errors.

Pokey the Unicorn

Pokey the Unicorn #5 · Sep 12th, 2012 · · ·

No. This is written badly. I like the concept, but it could have been so much better. It escalates far too quickly in the first paragraph, and the emotions are hollow. The middle of the story was the best part, with Twilight wandering around the caves and writing her thoughts down, but when she woke up, the story fell flat on its face.

Twilight had been in there for years. Had she been asleep for years? If so, why did it seem like she'd been out for a day. Twilight's reaction when she woke up was more "oh, I must have dozed off, hey guys" than "I'm free! Guys? Is that really you?"

Also, the dialog at the end sucked. That cliche where all of the characters take turns speaking feels written and robotic. You have to make the dialog flow naturally.

This is a good story, but it needs a rewrite. I'd be interested in another chapter as well. Tracked.

RisingComet

RisingComet #6 · Sep 12th, 2012 · · ·

Yes, I agree. A rewrite is in order. This story will most likely double in size. I think I will continue this, and a much better scene will replace the shoddy one when she wakes. So this atrocity will be reborn into (hopefully) something better.

Fire Soul