"An angry blue unicorn popped up in my den. How do I get rid of her?" How does a human address this uniquely distressing dilemma? (Probably better than Trixie does.)

Era: Season 8 assuming this disaster is never mentioned again. Later if you think it should be mentioned by somepony.

Feature Box: 9 December 2021!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 4 )

I thought this started off a bit slow, but I ended up really liking it, and the bizarre maneuvers you went through to literally fulfill some of the text in a contest announcement. You made those maneuvers funny enough that you got some big laughs out of me and I'm still smiling as I write this...comedy achieved! :rainbowlaugh:

"You speak in the third person!" Revelation.

"Third pony," it corrected. "

I enjoyed this part, which might say as much about me as about the story. :twilightsheepish: Seriously, so much of the story is so much funner than this (even) if you aren't me. :twilightsmile:

A fun fact is the reference to her involving the "fairy tale" actually does triple-duty (reference to what you suggest, a straightforward interpretation, and reference to her alleged hallucinations). While she was not drinking absinthe (known as the "green fairy"; you may have heard the expression "chasing the green fairy". Then, on a higher level, beyond the story itself and detailed in the link here, there is challenge to the concept of whether absinthe really does cause hallucinations. So, even though she thinks it's a hallucination--is it really?). If, among the several ways to read the story, you choose to read it as something arising out of the substances that were being drunk, then the concerning combination of our hero's non-alcoholic drinks can be important. Thank you for reading!

I shouldn't have
mixed that
Red Bull
with the
Monster Energy
and my Oronamin shake.

no idea what Oronamin is besides what i learned from the wikipedia link, but the Monster Energy™ reference makes me think of

It was complaining about starlight and twilight?

hehe, love this

"Who is Trixie?" I asked.

The pony settled into a defeated slump.
"Who is Trixie? Who is Trixie? Is this beast dumb?"

i do love how wonderfully Trixie this is

My thoughts were scattered, although my mind's sentences, jolted by this shock and resuscitated by my purging, now came more fully-formed. But the paragraphs were still shattered.

the paragraph structure really adds to the effect! i am quite enjoying it

"Third pony," it corrected. "'Third person', ugh. Are you speaking ancient Ponish? Nopony talks like that."

"At least this beast is not deluded," it snarked. "To be fair, though, gliding griffins and yonder-dwelling yaks can be called ponies. The term is generic. Generous ponykind welcomes all into the herd. But you are not a griffin or a yak, you smelly beast," it sniffed.

definitely stealing this linguistic worldbuilding bit

I'd often fantasized about riding a unicorn when I was young.
But not *this* truculent one.
Truly, not seeing is a flower.

fantastic characer bit here, and educational, too!

Death could come via a unicorn virus--defined as a rare, unexpected one, or by a uniquely unexpected unknown unicorn.
Maybe unicorns were popping into existence all around the world?
In hospitals?
Retirement homes?
No! This was only happening to me!
At least...
Death by unicorn would be uniquely memorable.
Melodramatic me.

loving this poetry, though the level of poetry to appreciate is high throughout this piece

"Cursed?" I frowned. "To be fair, there is an horrendous worldwide pandemic going on, but at least we're not living in 15th Century Europe with its plague ships, at least not now that those cruise passengers have finally debarked--"

is setting this in the real world of early 2020 a coïncidence? the idea of the changes of that time making the appeal of a world of cartoon ponies seem less bizarre by comparison is wonderfully thematic, and an original plank of the HiE stories that i'd initially planned on writing when i came to this site, so it's fascinating to see another take on it, with a cleaner focus and more skill.

"Pitiful." She dismissed it, modeling her expansive snout for me and smacking my cheek with a sideswipe. "This is what a schnozz should look like."

Trixie is so wonderfully self-absorbed and rude!

She scrunched up her face, picking up on this particular faux-pas with surprising speed. "You misunderstand. Where Trixie intended to travel, all... bipedal mares and stallions are very thin, weirdly so. Thinner than Trixie. Twilight never mentioned any wide beas-creatures."

oh yeah, the literally template-designed body types of canon Equestria Girls is a rich vein of cultural ramifications to explore in the context of it taking place in a supposedly human society. really appreciate at least the mention of it!

She snorted. "Lack of muscle means one cannot properly haul a traveling wagon." Her tone changed to a bright observational one: "Trixie is observant! Could it be you take offense to the categorization?" She cocked her head. "Trixie merely observed that your size was inappropriate for the dimension Trixie had intended to traverse. Trixie's point is, you do not look like the ponies Trixie expected to see."

and yes, that to ponies all human body types are in the same bucket of "all the same", and that they wouldn't even know what to discriminate about is, well, another thing that is so appealing about this fictional horse society!

A traveler of the world must be aware of and accepting of cultural differences.

Trixie contextualizing her basic politeness in the most self-absorbed way possible is just wonderful

"It is so weird talking to you. You're like... a fictional magical sapient horse woman from a fairy tale."

and there we go! nice reference to my contest prompt

"Trixie is not THAT kind of pony. You should not call those things ponies. Trixie is a Clean and Hygienic pony. Call that dirty thing a poneigh or something that suitably demonstrates differentiation. Trixie is civilized." She pointed in outrage to an unfortunate photograph of a pony defecating. "Unlike you and your ponies, Trixie grooms herself, does not disseminate 'dirty' photographs, and she uses a bidet! You creatures are entirely uncivilized!"

absolutely wonderful, this

"I can check this on the Internet," I said, whipping out my phone and typing in words. "We have hits for cocktails with the name 'Sunset Shimmer' and a marijuana edible called 'Canterlot High', but other than that, nothing."

and yes! another fun aspect to write into HiEs is the human being from a world where FiM isn't a show and cultural phenomenon. a fun little minor alternate history

'Trixie' was not impressed. "Unless this bipedal non-pastel pony was never in the coffin then it's like he's performing an ersatz moonshot manticore mouth dive where he's eaten and processed in the manticore's gut but he somehow has the fortitude to walk out alive!"

"I don't understand a word you said."

perfect answer! it's Trixie being self-absorbed by making a reference the audience, but not the in-universe character, could understand

When it stopped, it showed a picture of this Trixie unicorn instead. I got the feeling that wasn't supposed to be the coin's usual backing, so I feigned being impressed.

i do love how well she is humoring Trixie at this point

"Magic-using ponies who think they know more than they clearly do. Although, Trixie supposes the error is mostly Twilight's--she always did revert to trickery and corrupt patronage to win whereas Starlight possesses the greater natural talent." Trixie's visage darkened.

"Trixie started before Twilight finished her explanation," she paused. "The spoiled one's rambling had been so boring for so long that Trixie decided to execute the theory. There may have been a plan. But Trixie was not privy to it."

i mean, i don't know how often i can say just how perfectly Trixie your Trixie is. even more Trixie than the one from the canon show. a hyperstimulus version of Trixie?

"Did the chickens have a contract?"


"A contract. An agreement," Trixie explained. "When two ponies want to work together very much," she brought her hooves together in a clop. "They make an agreement with terms, provisions, and payment."

and yes! that is how it works in a world of sapient animals. i will pull a you and plug Trixie Sexes a Chicken here

"I did..." My voice trailed off. I decided to avoid that issue. "No need for eggs. I have onigiri." I offered.

dangit, i could really use one of those right now. too bad i live in Undisclosed American City

"It took two to do it. Trixie can do many things but Trixie is not two ponies."

surprised Trixie finally admitted to something beyond her capabilities

"Wow," I said. "Do you think you might have a doppelgänger here?"

do appreciate the proper umlaut here

"No," Trixie shook her head. "Trixie was most assuredly not kissing Trixie. Trixie was pressing her body against the image and standing on hind legs to better match the image of a facsimile twin. She needed tight suction."

"Hmmm...," I mumbled.


loving this insistent denial that Trixie was not trying to kiss her own counterpart

This is not something that can be done before breakfast."(REF1; REF2)

another wonderful educational bit, thanks!

"Arima means 'have a horse', which is somewhat amusing since in you I truly 'have a horse', apologies--a pony, thus I suppose fulfilling some inherent ancestral mission."

Trixie snorted.

"And Mizuki--"(Mizuki: "Beautiful Moon")

loving the name here! and yes, channeling ancestral connections to horse ownership/usage in the context of a story about kissing fictional magical sapient ones is very pog

"Tricia..." she puzzled, ignoring my joke. "Maddeningly adjacent, but it is not Trixie."(They don't realize that it can be.)


"What is temporary, English?"

"...It may be as all things must pass, but no, I mean the job. I will get something better."

loving this misunderstanding here! as well as the realness in response

A den, a bedroom, a bathroom, and a kitchen.

historically speaking, that is quite a lot for a single person to live in by themselves!

She hissed. "A cutie mark is *not* a tattoo!"

hehehe, but yes, they are not the same! especially since cutie marks go on top of coats of hair, so how would that even work?

"Was this Twilight one of those rivals?" I recalled the vitriol she used when discussing that other pony.

"Yes," Trixie's expression darkened. "She is."

"But you volunteered to execute her instructions, so you can't be very much at odds with her, right?"

There was a long moment of silence.

very observant, this Tricia! makes it even more bizarre that she's supposed to be the counterpart of Trixie of all ponies

"Trixie was... blowing a raspberry... is that the expression? Blowing her rival through the rippling mirror."


"Too bad I'm not reflective," I joked.

She grimaced: "But you are."


She placed a hoof hovered slightly above my lower lip. "This shines." She paused. "Trixie could place an illusion of the bipedal pony Trixie here. At the proper angle, it could look like an entire body." She chewed around on the idea.

what a delightfully strange pickup line

Trixie concentrated until she isolated an illusion magicked on my glossy lower lips.

nice! Chekov's lip gloss!

Kissing... a pony...no, think of it as a unicorn.
The one I always wanted.
Not so disgusting to think of... her like that.
I guess.

yes, that's right! kissing the horse lady is cool and good! yes!

I do miss that pony.

and as a reader of one of the best and most entertaining Trixies i have ever read, so do i

The title is an acronym.

yes, the whole situation is silly, but i found this experience both very entertaining and meaningful, and i hope you do as well

allegory for addiction.

i admit, i do not see this reading at all, but i also lack personal experience with such things

"Trixie is Terrible" Scale: Rudely Raises a Ruckus and Ruins a Spell: Rather Terrible (7 :trixieshiftright: out of 10).

and a wonderful bit of Trixie terribleness it was. thank you so much for it!


...is setting this in the real world of early 2020 a coïncidence? the idea of the changes of that time making the appeal of a world of cartoon ponies seem less bizarre by comparison is wonderfully thematic,...

Thank you very much for this and all the other comments on this piece! :twilightsmile: The setting in early 2020 is very much intentional. If one chooses not to believe that Trixie really made her way to Earth :pinkiegasp: (but I think she did), it could be important that the whole terrible disaster is unfolding in the background. The mentioned ship situation is real.

...and there we go! ...


...i mean, i don't know how often i can say just how perfectly Trixie your Trixie is.

Thank you so much! :trixieshiftright:

...i will pull a you and plug Trixie Sexes a Chicken here

Understood; thank you! I have now read it!

...i could really use one of those right now.

Sadly, the furikake may be difficult to obtain, though here is a do it yourself version.

historically speaking, that is quite a lot for a single person to live in by themselves!

That is a good point. I may reconsider above how she refers to it! She is in an apartment that's above her means for reasons alluded to in the story, but her attitude toward its size may need to be adjusted! Thank you!

very observant, this Tricia! ...

Mirror world. :derpytongue2:

what a delightfully strange pickup line

Feel free to use it in real life if pertinent! :pinkiecrazy:

and as a reader of one of the best and most entertaining Trixies i have ever read, so do i


Re: different ways to read the story
- Fair! I intentionally did not spell out in the author's notes other layers of potential meaning (although I mentioned "there are several ways to read things."), hoping it would fun be to discover them.
- For all other readers--my primary goal with a story is, of course, to write one that reads fun and worthwhile if read in a straightforward manner. Then, if I feel I can do it well, I'll firm up some other meanings (but having an entertaining, interesting, and fun read comes first). In this work, the hydra-like sprawling roots of potential readings roam quite far. :pinkiehappy:

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