Yeezus

by Buck Swisher

Kanye West once said...

This was the moment.

Electric anticipation rose in Sunny Starscout's heart as she prepared to join the two crystals she had collected. She held one of them in her hoof, while Izzy held the other. Slowly, they brought the crystals closer together. All the ponies around them shared the same feeling of excitement.

There was a soft clink! as the two crystals connected.

Nothing happened.

Sunny waited a few moments, her excitement peaking. It then began to fade as she realized that nothing was going to happen. Crushing disappointment threatened to overwhelm her as her face fell. She had gone to tremendous lengths for nothing.

"That's tough."

Every equine head turned toward the one who had spoken. As it turns out, it was none other than Kanye West, wearing a thick gold chain, a black jacket, and shades.

Kanye was shaking his head slightly. "That's really tough."

"Excuse me," said Zipp, who had taken offense at Kanye's comment, "who the buck are you?"

"I am a GOD!" said Kanye with a villainous smirk. "Nah, I'm playin'. I'm Kanye West."

"Who?" said Izzy.

"Kanye West," he repeated. "You know, Yeezy, Ye, the dropout guy, that kinda shit."

"Never heard of ya," said Izzy.

Kanye shrugged. "I been here the whole time. I saw the orange one do the whole thing with the dance machine, the whole thing with that show, the whole shit."

"Wait," said Sunny, momentarily forgetting the crystals. "You're telling me you've been here for this whole adventure, and you still don't know my name?"

"Nah," said Kanye. "I just don't care."

"Her name's Sunny!" said Izzy. "And I'm Izzy, and that's Zipp, and that's Pipp, and that's Hitch..." she pointed her hooves at every pony as she introduced them.

Kanye, upon seeing Pipp, noticed that she had been recording him and blabbing excitedly to her fans. "...and he could be from another world!" she said. "Or maybe even another dimension! What do you think, Pippsqueaks?"

"Uh, for the record, I'm from Earth," said Kanye. "Honestly, I don't even know how I got here. I just seen y'all go through this whole episode, and it was hella entertaining, to be honest."

Pipp paid Kanye no mind as she continued to talk to her fans.

"Excuse me, um...Kanye," Queen Haven piped up. "But if you've seen so much, why didn't you introduce yourself sooner?"

"Didn't feel like it," replied Kanye.

"Why do you wear those weird glasses?" Izzy inquired.

"These my shades," said Kanye, adjusting them. "I wear em cause my future so bright."

"Mine isn't," said Sunny, who had turned her attention back to the crystals, the meaningless adventure she had led four other ponies on weighing heavily in her mind. "I did all this for nothing."

Thanks to Kanye, nobody heard her.

"...and then I totally revolutionized that 808 shit, cause I'm too fuckin influential," said Kanye, who was taking the ponies through his music career. "And right after that, I dropped another banger album. And while I was doin all that, I made Taylor Swift famous."

The only ponies not absorbed in the pure awesomeness of Kanye West were Sunny, the Queen and Alphabittle, all of whom were just staring at the bizarre creature that was employing a healthy amount of curse words. That didn't really matter though, because ponies didn't know what curse words were. As long as he didn't say "mayonnaise" in Bridlewood, he was fine.

Speaking of Bridlewood, a small crowd of its residents were also transfixed by Kanye. Being two of the only ponies who did not find him amusing or interesting, Haven and Alphabittle shared an exasperated look. Sunny, realizing nobody was paying attention to her, began to depart, heading back to her lighthouse to sulk.

Kanye, noticing this, remembered something.

"Oh yeah," he called out. "The last crystal's in ya lighthouse."

Sunny stopped in her tracks, then slowly turned back around. "What?"

"The last crystal," Kanye repeated. "It's in ya lighthouse."

For a moment, nopony spoke or moved. Then Kanye broke the silence. "So y'all goin to get it or nah?"

"Kanye," said Sunny, "how did you know that?"

"I told you I been here for the whole shit," he said. "The whole shit."

"How long have you been here?" Sunny pressed.

"Shit, I don't know," said Kanye. "A good minute."

Sunny pondered this, and as she did a thousand more questions sprang into her mind, just like when she and Izzy were in her lighthouse. She decided to swallow these questions, deeming finding the third crystal much more important.

So without any sort of plot development or logical explanations as to why the hell Kanye West was in Equestria, everybody went back to Sunny's lighthouse. Why did it happen like this? Because logical explanations are stupid.

And they're not funny.

When they arrived at the lighthouse, Sunny turned to Kanye. "So where-" she stopped. Kanye wasn't there.

"Where'd he go?" asked Hitch, who finally decided to say something.

"No idea," said Zipp, who felt like wherever he was, Kanye was up to something.

A moment later, Kanye emerged from the top floor of the lighthouse with a crystal in his hand. He tossed it to Sunny, who caught it.

"Now you can do the whole magic crystal shit," said Kanye, satisfied that he was actually doing something good instead of just antagonizing everybody.

"Thanks," said Sunny. "But why did you help me?"

Kanye shrugged. "Felt like it."

"Well, thank you," said Sunny brightly. "Thank you so much."

Kanye said nothing, because emotions are awkward when you're not Kanye West on an 808 beat.

Sunny put the crystals together, and after a very silent moment, magic began to happen. Sunny was lifted into the air as the crystals circled her, and a horn and wings appeared on her head and back, and she finally became-

"Stop."

A guy in a suit reading a script stopped. "What's wrong?"

"This is not funny," said another suit guy who was in charge. "It's not! Kanye West? Kanye? Really? If you're gonna incorporate Kanye West, at least make it funny!"

"What do you mean?" said Suit Guy One. "Of course it's funny! You've got ponies and Kanye West! How is this not funny?"

"Look," said Suit Guy Two. "People don't want to read about Kanye West as it is. Everybody hates Kanye now, remember? So there is no way in hell this shit is gonna make the featured box. I mean, how did you even think of this?"

"I didn't," said Suit Guy One. "That's supposed to be what makes it funny. If I put any actual thought into it, it's not funny."

"It's not funny!" said Suit Guy Two. "There are moments where it comes close to being funny, but overall, it stinks! It's a big pile of hot garbage! Nobody is going to actually enjoy this!"

"Alright then, if you can think of a better idea in the next twenty seconds, I'll go back to the drawing board."

Silence. A satisfied smirk found its way across the face of Suit Guy One.

"Fine," said Suit Guy Two. "Submit it."

Author's Note:

Don't get butthurt about my portrayal of Kanye West. It was a joke.

Hope you had "fun" reading this. Comments mean the world.

Peace.

Comments

[Posh]

Sure is 2011 in here.

(that is not a criticism)

[Buck Swisher]

11058651
sure wish it was 2011 lol

[Perfectly Insane]

You deserve a follow for this premise alone.

[Super Trampoline]

Somehow I knew you must have been the person who wrote this before seeing I was correct lol

[Fujimi200SX]

r/takemyangryupvote

Wait, that doesn't exist. Uhhh...

r/Angryupvote

[Captain Neckbeard]

No fic should have all that power...
Imma let you finish, but I'll personally make sure this makes the featured box now. Let's make the heat system our bitch, yo
*starts to play the OG Ponies: The Anthology on repeat*
YO

[Boltstrike58]

"Look," said Suit Guy Two. "People don't want to read about Kanye West as it is. Everybody hates Kanye now, remember? So there is no way in hell this shit is gonna make the featured box. I mean, how did you even think of this?"

What do you mean "now?"

[Buck Swisher]

11058735
I'm really glad you did.

Let's hit that featured box, yo.

[LILDASHIEGRINGO]

Every equine head turned toward the one who had spoken. As it turns out, it was none other than Kanye West, wearing a thick gold chain, a black jacket, and shades.

That's all he was wearing?

[The Mystery Fluttershy Fan]

TLDR, liked! Cause that premise is already genius!

[Super Trampoline]

11059229
you're welcome: https://derpibooru.org/search?q=stupid+sexy+kanye&sf=id&sd=desc