• Published 19th Feb 2022
  • 1,594 Views, 21 Comments

Total War: Ponyhammer - Thule117



After the relatively unimportant and peaceful joining of the human and pony worlds, the princesses get down to the far more important buisness of playing their new favorite game. . . Total War Warhammer 2.

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HOW DID HE DO THAT?!!

Author's Note:

Greetings everyone, and welcome to my experimental short story. Honestly I've had this idea in my head for a little while and I wanted to see if anyone would enjoy it. If enough people do, I'll finish it, if not I'll just let it lie. Either way though, I won't be updating it too often, as I really do want to finish Legion before committing wholly to anything new. Also, a minor disclaimer to any fans of Total War Warhammer one two and three. I am likely going to be taking a liberty or two with how the game actually functions on occasion to make the story work. So if you see something that doesn't quite match up with reality, do what I do: blame Discord (the Draconequus not the online service).

And now, on with the story. . .

Celestia scrolled lazily over the continental almost-doughnut that was Ulthuan, checking over her armies and defenses. Tyrion, her starting lord, fully leveled and with a lovely army of Swordmasters of Hoeth, Phoenix Guard, Sisters of Avalorn, three Star Dragons and a fire mage. Stood ready on the northern end of the island near the Alter of Khain, ready to meet any threat from the frozen north. While, to the south, currently aiming to see off another feeble attack by the Count Noctilus AI, was Eltharion with an equally destructive army consisting mostly of Shadow Warriors, Silverin Guard, a generous helping of Arcane Phoenixes, and of course, a Loremaster of Hoeth.

She had a few other armies controlled by lesser lords in the east and west, but most of her battles thus far had been won with these two. Alarielle and Teclis had been wiped out early, to the surprise of nopony, and Alith Anar had refused her offers of confederation and been slaughtered by either the skaven or the beastmen, she wasn't sure which. Idly Celestia slouched back on the cushion that she was sitting on, in an excellent impression of a disaffected elven ruler, if they were a female god-pony.

"How wearysome this tedium, has nocreature the guile to even challenge me?" She asked airily.

"Considering you've lost only a single game in the three years we've been playing this, is it any wonder our pool of worthy opponents has dried up? Also auntie, you're doing that thing again where you roleplay without switching off your mic." Came a lighthearted reply. Cadance was currently far to the east, commanding the armies of the Empire. Normally that was Celestia's preferred faction, as she felt they gave the best challenge without being helpless. However Cadence had wanted to try them, and Celestia had wanted to see how the elves played, so they decided to mix things up a bit.

"You assume she is doing it by accident my niece." Replied Luna, as she checked over the army of dryads and forest beasts she was commanding as Drycha. "Given our current dearth of skilled rivals, I suspect it is the only way she has left to enjoy herself."

Celestia sighed as she clicked the hourglass in the bottom right corner of the screen, ending her turn. Passing it to the only online player willing to try his luck against them in the last month, somepony named Warmaster1987. Honestly, he was an abysmal player. Despite playing as no less a powerhouse than Taurox the Brass Bull, he had barely left his starting region since the game began. Celestia did see one of his armies pass down into Lustria, however it was only barely surviving against the lizardmen.

Not only had he not left his starting region yet, but, while he had confederated with every other legendary beastman lord, he had lost Malagor the Dark Omen, Morghur the Shadowgave, and Khazrak One Eye, trying unsuccessfully to take out either, Luna, Cadance, or the Grimgor AI. Frankly, watching it had been so painful that Celestia had not even bothered to to send any heroes his way to scout his progress. Nor had she or any of her fellow princesses felt compelled to take over for the AI against him more than once or twice. Watching his battles told Celestia and the others everything they needed to know, Warmaster was still largely struggling to throw out the dark elves and skaven even after eighty turns. To his credit, he did manage to win all his battles, against the AI anyway, but every victory was on the dark end of pyrrhic. Additionally, his attempts at taking over for the AI had led to him all but handing each of the princesses several key victories.

He had all the hallmarks of a new player, poor army composition, bad unit matchups, and no idea how to effectively target spells or assign items. Not to mention at some point he all together stopped using his various legendary lords, likely out of frustration. For crying out loud, Celestia saw him twice send his starting ghorgon against a unit of goblins instead of the trolls right next to them. Honestly, Celestia really just let him live this long out of a combination of pity, and because he kept Malekith and Hellebron off her flank. She was far more concerned about Luna teleporting into Avalorn and ending the tentative peace between them in a rampage of angry-tree-based destruction. Not to mention her niece was drawing dangerously close to. . .

"Hello. . . what are you up to my little beastman. . ." Celestia hummed into her mic, as Taurox's army came into view, sailing in the direction of Tyrion. She couldn't yet see much of his army composition besides a Brayherd Shaman of the Wild, but then, it largely didn't matter, the Warmaster had proven time and again he didn't know what units to bring, or how to use them effectively even if he did manage to pick the right ones.

"What is it sister?" Asked Luna curiously.

"I think our courageous fourth player is going to try to take me on." Celestia stated with a light chuckle.

"The one with the overoptimistic name?" Asked Luna with an audible grin.

"That's the one." Celestia confirmed. "Poor little thing must be getting desperate."

"Ooh, take it easy on him auntie, he's new, maybe you could try and coach him a little?" Cadance suggested, her tone sympathetic. Celestia sat back on her cushion again, considering the idea. Maybe Cadance was right, she could beat him without humiliating hi-. Celestia's train of thought stopped dead, as a PM appeared at the bottom of her screen.

Warmaster1987: "I'm disappointed, pretty sure the REAL Celestia would have been able to beat me by now. Seriously dude, copying her gamertag is just sad."

Celestia frowned, all consideration of going easy on her opponent disappearing in a flash. Well, that settled it, nopony talked to Celestia, Diarch of Equestria, Ruler of the Sun, Mistress of Light, and Supreme Queen of Strategy Gamers, like that, and got away with it! Lighting her horn she typed out a furious message.

Solinvictus1500: "I'm going to enjoy this far more than I should." The response was swift.

Warmaster1987: "I'm also pretty sure the real Celestia wouldn't use memes older than she is." Celestia stared at the message for a full minute, before feeling her eye twitch. Just who the buck did this second rate excuse for an internet troll think he was?!! Celestia heard Luna absolutely howl with laughter.

"Thou hast most assuredly been 'burned' my sister!" Even Cadance could be heard chuckling. As a vicious, borderline psychotic, smile, appeared on Celestia's face. Forget not going easy, she was going to absolutely destroy this guy!

Solinvictus1500: "I hope after I scrape your army off my hoof you at least have some treasure worth looting."

Warmaster1987: "What? Does the big tough not-at-all-a-princess need some help? How about if I let you equip the Sword of Khain first?" Celestia saw red. While it was well established that IRL Celestia was one of the kindest, sweetest, most gentle ponies you could ever meet. When it came to the gaming world, she was downright infamous for her temper and viciousness. It was said the only thing that exceeded her skill, was the power of her gamer-rages. While she never smashed her equipment or anything like that, she was well known for making matches a living hell for any foe that drew her ire. Relentlessly targeting their every weakness and ceaselessly taunting them until she crushed them underhoof, or they rage quit.

Solinvictus1500: "Overcompensation isn't my style." She declared, as her opponent ended his turn. As Luna and Cadence made their moves, Celestia eyed the red icon hovering over the shrine. Truth be told, she had every intention of taking the overpowered blade. However, her opponent had no need to know that yet. As Luna concluded her turn by moving toward her third forest conquest, Celestia gave a shark-like grin. Time to catch her opponent off guard. First, she began the process of moving all her secondary armies, save Eltharion, toward the north, in preparation for her counter invasion. Next, she sent Tyrion to claim the sword of Khain, before placing him at the edge of the shore.

Warmaster1987: "I thought overcompensation wasn't your style?!" Celestia's reply was beyond smug.

Solinvictus1500: It isn't. But overPOWERED is exactly my style. Still want to try your luck little colt?"

Warmaster1987: "Against a coward like you? It'll be a PLEASURE!" Celestia licked her lips, tasting victory. He was angry, no doubt he'd charge in like an amateur without backup. And even if he had thought to bring in another army, none of the ones he'd used so far had been in any way optimized. She still couldn't see his army build completely, but aside from the Bray Shaman all he looked to have was a Gorebull. "At least he seemed to have belatedly grasped how heroes work.", She thought, as she ended her turn.

"This is getting most entertaining." Luna declared. "I do still feel a bit bad though. He really does not know with whom he throws up with." Celestia, despite herself, snorted with laughter.

"That's 'throw down' aunt Luna." Cadence corrected gently, trying to hold back her own snickers. Luna generally was pretty well adjusted to life in modern Equestria now, but every so often, something slipped through.

"Is that not what I said?" Luna asked, clearly confused. Celestia ignored the ensuing debate in favor of focusing on her soon-to-be victim. As Luna ended her turn, Celestia took a leisurely sip of water from a monogrammed bottle next to her PC rig, as she sent out another PM.

Solinvictus1500: "I'm going to enjoy using my shiny new sword to serve you a lovely slice of humble pie. . . DIRECTLY THROUGH YOUR THROAT!!" She wrote, as she clicked to send her army forward. Only for her jaw to drop, as she saw the foe arrayed against her. . . Taurox's army, was entirely made up of minotaurs and Ghorgons!

Warmaster1987: "Can I just say, it's a true honor to meet you Princess, please forgive me for being so rude. I'm actually a huge fan. . . pity I have to destroy you now." Celestia immediately thought of retreating from the battle, but knew it was too late. The beastman army had been at the very edge of her movement, and she had wasted much of it by marching out to sea. Even if she forced marched, she couldn't escape! With her mind reeling, she hit the play battle button. All wasn't completely lost, she still had a chance. She just needed to use her sisters of avalorn to cut down his minotaurs and then finish them with her phoenix guard and swordmasters, and Tyrion equipped with the sword of Khain should be able to take on Taurox. . . right? Celestia scrolled over to look at Taurox's stats and equipment while the game loaded, and felt her heart sink. As if the fact she was using an all-comers army against one that required dedicated anti-large wasn't bad enough, Taurox's stats and item list showed he had been turned into a one minotaur army. Celestia chewed her lower lip as she ran the numbers in her head, and came to the inevitable conclusion. Win or lose, this was going to be bloody. . .


Tyrion: Heir of Anarion, sat astride his steed Malhandir. The whispers of the Sword of Khain, gripped tightly in his fist, echoing in his mind as he surveyed the oncoming army. Deploying second, he had hoped to form a solid defense for the Sisters of Avalorn to fall back to with his phoenix guard and Swordmasters. Arraigning the four units he had of each into two lines each two units abreast, the Phoenix Guards in front and Swordmasters behind them, he created a loose wedge as far back from the front of his starting position as possible. In front of that, the seven units of sisters were placed in a series of further wedges. Far enough away from one another to not all be caught together easily, but close enough to focus fire. And above and in front of each of the wedges, was a single Star Dragon.

Tyrion himself was inside the space between the two lines of Swordmasters and Phoenix Guard. While the lone fire mage supported the sisters from within one of the series of wedges. In theory, the dragons would slow the charge of the minotaurs long enough for the sisters and mage to whittle them down. Once the dragons were dead, Tyrion, the Phoenix Guard, and the Swordmasters would engage the minotaurs in a counter charge as the sisters withdrew to secondary firing positions. Hopefully, and with a considerable degree of luck, by the time Tyrion and his warriors arrived the minotaurs and ghorgons would be weakened enough to destroy.

That was in theory, in practice, the minotaurs had been deployed well, and were more than fast enough to catch the sisters if they didn't time their retreat perfectly. Three blocks had been formed, two with two columns of each unit, and one with one. Far enough apart not to get caught all together by spells and arrows, but close enough to quickly support each other. Each with shielded minotaurs in front, anti-large great weapons behind, and infantry destroying double axes behind that. All three were backed up by a Ghorgon far to their rear, and Tyrion counted his blessings that at least those couldn't vanguard deploy. The Bray Shaman stood ready to support one double columned group from the rear, and the Gorebull was ready to race to the aid of the other. But of Taurox, there was no sign. Tyrion had to assume that the terrible Brass Bull, was hidden in one of the small patches of trees dotting the battlefield.

All of the enemy, save the Ghorgons and heroes, had been vanguard deployed, and several of the minotaurs had been boosted further with Banners of Madness or Ghorok. The three blocks were all pointed squarely at where Tyrion stood, all from slightly different angles. Even with the dragons help, the Sisters of Avalorn likely wouldn't get more than a volley or two off before they were forced to flee. The dragons breath would help, but only so much. And if encircled, the sisters would be slaughtered. It was a poor position, but Tyrion had no choice. As the horns sounded, proclaiming the beginning of battle, all he could do was pray to the bloody handed god that he would prevail.

At the horn, the minotaurs surged forward, bellowing and roaring in their barbaric tongue. The sisters braced as they drew back magical bowstrings, and the Star Dragons inhaled. The ground shook as the monstrous hoard ate up the distance at an alarming speed. Eyes glowing with wrath, and mouths drooling with anticipation, as they came within range.

"LOOSE!!" Starswirl: fire mage of the white tower, screamed.

Arrows forged of pure magic flew through the air, guided by well trained hands and eyes, to punch wetly through matted filthy hides. Roars of pain sounded, as fur and flesh were scorched by purest mystical flame, yet still the hoard came. From on high, dragons let out roars that shook air and earth, as gouts of magical flame spewed from their mouths, melting weapons, charring horns to ash, and scouring skin and muscle from chaos tainted bone. Yet still, they came.

The dragons, having exhausted their breath for the moment, flew down to engage each column. Starswirl chanted ancient words, the winds of magic singing in his soul as, with a gesture, he sent a rain of white hot flame and death pelting down on the heads of the attackers. The front line of minotaurs buckled, their shields of no avail in the face of draconic claws and unrelenting magic. Then, the dragons began to die.

From behind the shield bearing minotaurs, came ones wielding axes big enough to hack down a full grown oak in a single swing. Powered by pure murderous muscle, the axes cleaved through scales to bite deep into bone. Behind one block of brutish bovine soldiers, the bray shaman summoned a Cygor, that promptly began hurling boulders at Tyrion's secondary line, crushing Phoenix Guard into pulp amid sprays of blood. In another block, the Gorebull named 'Octavia's Chosen' put its fist through a Star Dragon's eye while whipping its fellow minotaurs into a frenzy of murder. In the last, the dragon roared in agony as a Ghorgon tore free one of its legs while simultaneously biting a hunk of bloodied flesh from its neck.

Through it all the sisters fired as fast as they could, killing every minotaur they were able to as their dragon allies paid for every second with blood. Yet soon, all too soon, the dragons fell or were driven off, and the sisters made vulnerable. Damage had been done, but not enough, as two of the blocks of minotaurs had sent their duel axe members around the dragons to pursue the sisters early. It had worked, already the sisters were in disarray. those that could flee, retreated to secondary firing positions, while their comrades died screaming. Tyrion began to move up his melee force, then, finally, with a roar like a volcanic eruption, Taurox took to the field.

Unnoticed till now, Taurox had gone from cover to cover, and now was charging straight at Tyrion's position. Tyrion's original plan to ride to the sister's aid, was swiftly thrown out the window. Now, he could only prepare to clash with one of the most favored of the Dark God's servants. He would not be cowed -no pun intended- he would slay this monster in the name of Ulthuan! As the titanic metallic bull came on, he roared a challenge in a mangled approximation of elvish.

"TUAROX STRONGEST ONE THERE IS!!" His voice shook the ground as much as his hooves. As, just before he collided with the braced halberds of the Phoenix Guard, his skin blazed with an aura of unholy power, a red and black shimmering energy covering his entire body. The enchanted halberds of the Phoenix Guard, that had slain man, beast, and daemon alike, shattered against the rune scarred hide of the monstrous Taurox. Elven bodies were hurled aside, their armor sundered and their bones in splinters. His axes a whirling tornado around him, Taurox cleaved elves in two amid clouds of blood and gore. "TAUROX SMASH PUNY ELVES!!" He roared, as with a stomp, he turned a screaming elf at his feet into a blood filled crater. Yet, as the Phoenix Guard rallied, they slowed the monster's advance, holding him amid a circle of shining steel. Yet Taurox, only smiled.

"NO! GET BACK FROM HIM!!" Tyrion cried, but the order came too late. A bloody red mist swiftly took shape around Taurox, transforming a second later into a swirling aura of red flame, before exploding outward. Those closest to the blast were erased from existence instantly, while those further back were sent hurtling away with bone breaking force. Taking advantage of the opening, Taurox hurled himself through the gap, to crash mercilessly into the Swordmasters of Hoeth. Elven skill and blades no avail against his power, as he trampled the proud warriors into unrecognizable puddles of mangled flesh and flattened armor. Tyrion meanwhile, had reached the end of his tolerance with this beast.

"FOR ANARION!! FOR ULTHUAN!!" Spurring Malhandir forward, Tyrion hurled himself at his foe. In his hand, the sword of Khain screamed in anticipation of the coming feast of blood and souls. Swinging his borrowed weapon with both hands, Tyrion slashed several lines of bright crimson across the chest of his gigantic foe. The metallic flesh parting easily before the Widowmaker's divine might. "BRASS SKIN IS NO PROTECTION AGAINST THE SWORD OF A GOD!!" Tyrion roared, as he wound up for another swing, only to be sent hurling off his mount and into the dirt by a backhand strike from a titanic axe head.

"PUNY GOD!!" Taurox declared with a savage laugh. As he stomped toward Tyrion, Taurox swept aside a trio of Swordmasters. Impaling one on the end of his axe, he casually bit off the screaming warrior's head. Chewing both helmet and skull for a few moments before swallowing, and hurling the rest of the corpse at Tyrion. Who dodged just in time, as he rolled to his feet, sword in a guard position. Taurox, just laughed.

"WHAT HAVE YOU TO SMILE ABOUT BEAST?!! YOU ARE SURROUNDED! OUTNUMBERED! YOU WILL FALL HERE!" Tyrion snarled, struggling to stop his head from spinning. Tuarox's reply was almost drowned out, by the rumble of hundreds of cloven hooves.

"TAUROX BROTHERS ARRIVE! SPARKLE GIRLS ALL DEAD! AND TAUROX. . ." Here Taurox paused to take a potion from his belt, drinking it all in a single mouthful. "JUST FOUND SECOND WIND!!" He laughed, as the wounds across his chest began to rapidly heal. Tyrion stared in disbelief, as Taurox rolled his shoulders with a sound like trees snapping, before beckoning Tyrion with one massive finger. "TAUROX THANKS PUNY ELF FOR BRINGING HIM HIS SWORD!! NOW WE FINISH THIS!!" Tyrion's scream of frustration was barely audible, as the substantial remains of the three blocks of Taurox's soldiers, slammed into the remnants of his army from all sides. . .


"FOAL OF A MONKEY BUCKING WHORES!!"

Celestia, Princess of the Sun, Diarch of Equestria, Archmage of the Tenth Circle, and proper lady by the measure of every member of her court, swore like a sailor. As the battle ended in a victory for the beastmen, and a near total route for Celestia's best army.

"Sister. . ." Luna began, her tone of disbelief. "did thou just. . . lose?!!" Celestia just let out a groan of frustration.

"Auntie, you never lose, not at this game, or. . . any game of strategy! Only Twilight is even able to honestly compete with you. And in addition to being a genius, you trained her!!" Celestia would have shot Cadence the dirtiest look history has ever seen, had she been able. Along with more than a few vastly inappropriate hoof gestures. As it was, she settled for growling into her mic as she ended her turn.

"Is there a point to this commentary? My dear niece. . ." Celestia asked, a little too sweetly.

"I am sending your noble opponent a Dispony invite!" Luna declared happily. Instantly Celestia did a double take.

"What?! NO!! LUNA DON'T YOU DAR-."

"Hello?" Instantly Celestia felt the words freeze in her throat as the words were heard over her headphones. The voice was definitely a stallion, sounding deep but gentle, Celestia estimated his age around late twenties.

"Greetings noble opponent! Name thyself that the slayer of our sister shall be known!" The voice on the other end paused at this.

"I. . . uh. . . wait what?! Oh goddess! I didn't hurt Celestia somehow did I?! I swear I only trash talked her to bait her into fighting me with the sword of Khain!" At that Cadance giggled.

"Rest assured, the only thing you hurt was my dear aunt's pride. So, whom might you be my good stallion?" The voice let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh thank goodness, if I gave thee Princess Celestia an aneurysm or something, I'd never forgive myself. My name is Jack. Wow. . . I can't believe I really just beat the queen of games, I was positive I-."

"BEAT ME?!!" Celestia roared. "Don't get cocky foal! You won one battle! I won't even break a sweat destroying-."

"Uh, sister?" Luna interrupted.

"Luna! I am in the middle of correcting my thoroughly full of himself opponent and I-."

"Did thou not see what he hath moved into position?" Celestia's eyes shot back to the screen. To see no less than five more ships not far behind Taurox's. Celestia's jaw dropped.

"A doombull, a great bray shaman of the wild, and Malagor? Mhorgur?! KHAZRAK?!! WHAT THE. . . oh bucking Tartarus! You let Cadance and Luna kill them on purpose didn't you?! You were massing your forces to attack me this whole time! Remaking your armies out of sight and gearing up for this invasion!" Jack chuckled.

"And at the same time leading you all to believe I was an inexperienced amateur. It wasn't easy rigging all those matches to be pyrrhic victories against the AI, but I knew if I wanted to take out someone as good as you, I'd need overwhelming force and surprise on my side. So I tricked you into thinking I had no skill, then I carefully farmed the factions around me for resources without destroying them to get the Dread and Favor I needed. I quietly built up all of my lords skills and stayed out of your way until I was ready to take you all on. I knew Celestia would gun for me if I showed my true ability, and only if she was gone would I have even a chance against Luna and Cadance, so I tailored my strategy to that from the beginning. Again, sorry for acting like an arrogant big shot, but I knew with your skill it was the only way I could get you to attack rashly." For a time, all three princesses were silent.

"Jack, was it?" Celestia asked, suddenly sounding far calmer.

"Uh. . . yes, your majesty?" He replied, sounding slightly nervous. Celestia could feel the smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

"How would you like to play with us again?" Jack's voice had a slightly nervous lilt to it as he replied.

"I uh. . . I'd be honored. What would I have to do?" He asked. Celestia's grin was clearly audible.

"Take half of Ulthuan or more, and you'll get to play with us again. Take three quarters, and I'll make you permanent fixture in our games." Jack gulped.

"And. . . what if I push you from the game?" Celestia's voice became almost seductive.

"If you can manage that. . . then I just found our new streaming partner. So. . . what do you say?" Jack swallowed again, but his voice became determined.

"I say: Ulthuan, is mine. . ."