• Member Since 28th Jan, 2021
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

ReedHoarse


T

Sunset is certain Adagio hates her. She's both wrong and right about that, and is about to learn a thing or two about sirens and romance.

Adagio is certain Sunset wants her. She's wrong about that. For now.

Winner of the Sunset x Adagio competition.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 42 )

Okay, wow this was actually really we'll thought out and a very interesting take on siren's one that actually makes perfect sense the fact is your correct sirens should see negatives as positives when negative energy is good for them this also frames their interactions with each other in a completely different light. I'm being honest this has potential to be full length story if you decide to explore it like this is really creative take. It would also be interesting if we saw more queen bitch sunset come out to flirt with adagio, that on its own is a good plot that sunset let's her more negative traits actually show but in a way that's actually helpful.

This is now my definitive head canon on what Sunset/Adagio should look and feel like. Two non-humans where only one of them had a handle on being human and working through the alien thought processes in a cute and deeply emotional manner.

Your Adagio is amazing.

This definitely needs a long form sequel that really explores their relationship.

I love how you've taken what we've seen of Adagio's behavior in EqG, and shown us what might be going on with her and in siren culture to explain it. Some very funny character interactions! :twilightsmile:

The only real problem with this story is, now I might not bother to enter the contest. :moustache:

I like the idea of different courting behaviors for different speices. For a speices that feeds on hate, I imagine provoking it in your prospective paramour would be akin to proving that you're good at providing for them.

I love how this alien culture's mating rituals can be mostly summed up as "Enemies-to-lovers". And how this topic is very well explored in this one story.

ah dang, a lot of the ideas i had for my entry are showing up in this one, including Adagio's awful mess of an apartment. well, great minds think alike, i guess!

This is extremely good

This...this is phenomenal! I cannot express how much I truly loved reading this fic. I came expecting something silly and fun, and I got that, but it was like an iceberg giving a love tap to a badly designed and constructed luxury cruise liner. The first blush of, "This is deeper and bigger than you saw at first," presaged an incredible experience and I confess I want MOAR! :pinkiegasp:

That's an interesting take on a tsundere romance: for a being built in hatred, it does make sense for Adagio to find love with the person who made her feel weak.

It is interesting to see Adagio be both a proud villainess and ridiculously hopeless about life. I'd love to see more stories built around her and Sunset's new relationship.

β€œThat’s called dancing, Sunset Shimmer.”

I’m dying right now :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

This was a great entry and I’m glad you submitted it.

Sirens - the tsundere race.

Y'all are so sweet! :twilightsmile:
There probs won't be a continuation, I find it hard to commit to any long term projects, which is why I like these contests, they actually get me finishing stories

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:fluttershysad:

11048518
Adagio really has that 'talks a big game but doesn't know how to do anything for herself' energy

I never would've thought of this ship but gahhh, I'm enjoying it so much! You did such a great job with this fic, perfectly showcased Adagio's conflicting emotions and the "language barrier" that she has with Sunset! :heart:

wow. this was great. well written and funny at times

Pretty good. My only question is where does the title come from?

11049675
Odysseus' men put wax earplugs in their ears to so that they couldn't hear the siren's call

And then sex happened!

Coming back in a hour or so to see this, should be pretty good. Author looks like he knows what's good.

Orrm #22 · Nov 16th, 2021 · · 3 ·

The Theory of Story:

Characters are billiard balls.

They roll and roll in one direction until they hit something that changes their movement or direction and each billiard ball believes itself to be the only one along its path.

If you want two perpendicular characters to run tangent, you need to ensure that the collision results in the same general direction. Ergo a Dramatic Action which results from one character interacting with another person.

Therein "I have a thing I'm trying to accomplish, I am a character and I need to get this done and it will be a more interesting story if there's something in the way"

That's the basis of a story and what allows for solid storytelling is the manner in which two billiard balls collide with each other, and the impact itself must be a spectacle unlike any other.

Despite holding the key elements to this formula, you failed regardless.


Proper Analysis:

Split for consistency
1. Premise
2. Execution
3. Conclusion


Premise

Sunset is certain Adagio hates her. She's both wrong and right about that, and is about to learn a thing or two about sirens and romance.

Adagio is certain Sunset wants her. She's wrong about that. For now.

Sounds nice but reflects little. There is some duality between statements but it's broken by one being significantly longer than the other.

Additionally, the latter statement is incorrect in every sense of its text. Nowhere throughout this piece have I seen any evidence of Adagio's insistence on her paramour's intentions.

Instead we have a long, insideous paragraph of nonsensical purple prose more fit for a monologue on opposite day, for that was the way it were made.

But even if you scoured through said dialogue with the knowledge of writer's intention, you'd still not understand Jack shit(Pardon my profanity)

For a premise it is fine for any premise can be made to function once it is built on proper blood and brick.

Unfortunately this one's supported by pillars 'pon pillars of rotted wood and stale, slimy concrete representative of almost every idiotic 'problematic' teen romance book spun since 2000.


Execution
Lackluster to a point where I wonder whether my standards should slip lest I take a standard slight down a steep set of stairs and have a sharp step strike me on the way down.

The most obvious offense you hath committed is pure, concentrated irony. Wherein you state one idea through monologue, then the following action contradicts the given explanation.

Allow me to illustrate:

Emotions are not a clear cut thing. Sunset had truly come to realise that since getting her power. People were never just happy, or sad, or angry. Every person was just a big confused cocktail of different feelings.

You state the generality of the ability.

But immediately proceed to precisely define the opposing character's emotion down to the very last nuance in a perspective change more fit for a third person.

Adagio was mostly excited and scared. She was having fun with Sunset, feeling a blend of affection and hate, though she processed the hate as a positive thing in the context of Sunset, always close to tipping over the line to its opposite. Adagio wanted to keep hugging her, kissing her, and more.

This is one such example, I assure you there are more.

Additionally, progression in this short piece is surprisingly nonlinear, and not in a good way either. Understand, every character must face an obstacle and it need not be physical but it must exist and be somewhat concrete. It must be something getting in the way of a character trying to accomplish them.

Allow me to boil down story to six simple questions given by a particularly thorough writer, and these questions work for a story of any length whether it be three acts, one or thirty seven.

Allow me to answer these six questions and if you, author, refute my opinion, I encourage you to answer these questions yourself for none but you know what you thought while writing this piece.

Who is it about?
- It's about Sunset and Adagio

What do they want?
- Sunset: wants to help Adagio
Adagio: wants Sunset as a suitor

Why can't they get it?
- Sunset: Adagio is unrepentant and in denial of her situation
Adagio: Sunset doesn't understand Siren behavior

What do they do about that?
- Sunset: speculates about Adagio's reasoning and tries physical contact
Adagio: Explains Siren behavior

Why doesn't that work?
- Sunset: ?
Adagio: ?

How does it end?
- Sunset: somehow relates to Adagio and wants to help Adagio.
Adagio: Sunset becomes her suitor.


To summarise, you're missing an entire aspect of story and the rest are often stunted. Worst of all is that the single act you miss is the one responsible for conflict and interest.

The obstacle('why doesn't it work') is what allows a story to have a climax and if it isn't present you result in this. A lively, relatively well put together compilation of various tepid events with neither immersion nor developed conflict.

Worse yet, it shows some conflict of belief but said conflict is infantile in its use, a mere side prop to shakily justify a nonsensical action or development. Such as Adagio's lack of knowledge on the very basics of existing.

What little conflict is had within Adagio's fear of acceptance is swept under the rug with a simple application of 'empathy', despite her flagrant acts prior, and for Sunset the story ends where it begins.

An end must be either 'I do get it' or 'I don't get it' but each character must undergo some change in state, Sunset simply doesn't.

She isn't in a relationship with Adagio yet, and she is where she started, wanting to help Adagio. If she actually helped Adagio then she'd at least be somewhat fulfilling her goal but in this piece, her arc is a single stagnant line with tiny hills and one final drop.

Your writing itself is good, fantastic even. I see your skill in the written word and I admire your usage of vocabulary.

The ending paragraphs were something to read and flow from start to finish was well enough however the story itself is missing something crucial for a Story.

The gaping hole makes it boring, simply boring. A series of events which exists to simply exist, one-two steps above mediocrity simply for the fact that most writers simply cannot write and for the fact that you can.


Conclusion
This story is a straight line with some small semicircle rises.

Your writing itself is incredibly well done, it's easy to read and wording is good but the lack of investment is an issue regardless.

You understand faults in your writing subconsciously and attempt to correct them, thus, I have no doubts that you will eventually grow into an outstanding author.

Overall Rating:

6/10

15/11/21

Comment posted by BenjaminHad deleted Nov 16th, 2021

Yeeeeah, ignore that guy.

11051154
imagine writing all these words for an idiotic and bizarrely racist hatepost. log off , go outside, and live the rest of your life far away from this place please

ReedHoarse, your story is fantastic, with neat ideas about siren psychology that i wish i'd been the one to come up with and may have to steal. not to mention how fun you made the flirting. i'm very glad you continued writing after your first!

11051154
Imagine thinking you're superior to someone while simultaneously implying that their father raped them as a child.

Gosh, I bet you're just a delight in real life, aren't you? I mean, you must not be very busy, since you're capable of spending Way Too Much Time writing hateful screeds to literal strangers online, but that's probably just because you have so many friends, right?

11051154
Gotta say, loving the hypocrisy of your words set next to that avatar. Such sincerity.

But see I do think you're sincere about one thing. I think you're sincere about having so little to do with your life and so little self-esteem that you feel the need to go and bully the absolute crap out of somebody online just for the sake of finding some sort of shred of meaning to your life.

If you really want to find some meaning and find a way to actually contribute, maybe try looking inward and seeing what exactly is making you say all these things. Take some time to examine yourself. I don't think you're going to like what you see. You should change that.

Reedhorse this story was fantastic and you should feel proud. Golly I love a good Adagio and you write a great one.

11051154
Interesting comment. Certainly interesting.

Because the thing is, mate, if reading fics like this make us absolute wastes of space, then what does that say about you, who read and commented on this fic? If spending time on this site makes our lives unworthy, then what does that say about you, the person who spent more time than we did reading this fic and commenting on it?

Truly questions to think about, aren't they? I hope you do take some time off this site, go somewhere quiet, and truly contemplate the answers instead of going around and insulting everyone on the site.

Perhaps that may wake your delusional brain up and show you what you spouted out of your fingers.

Posh #29 · Nov 16th, 2021 · · 1 ·

11051154 you are so fucking smart, please come to my house and shit in my toilet and then not flush so I can always the best part of you in my home

11051153
Thanks for the thorough review! You've genuinely helped me realise some stuff that was bothering me

Glad I didn't get to see the comment below yours before it got deleted!

11051474
Your welcome man, I know you have that greatness in you, just needs some refining I bet.



As for the other guy. I'll give him a reply because I know he'll see it. He's petty enough for that. Banjamin, yes?

Others have already echoed many of these sentimens, I will be brief.

Whether you simply wanted attention or were genuinely angered, I implore you word yourself better for three simple reasons.

The first reason is simple, too many insults with too little critique, a ten to one ratio in fact. In addition, you held awful language and grammar to the point where any value that it may have had was lost in a sea of mind-numbing vitriol. Moderation, my good man.

The second reason is that if one wishes to make a comment about a specific story, they should refrain from making such broad statements and focus specifically on what they seek to criticise. Hell, you can even curse the author to hell and back if you please but a review must be based on something which exists. To insult the imaginary is to insult one's own intelligence.
Additionally, you specifically can't use this singular story to paint a picture about fandoms and this site as a whole, it's asanine. For you could use it as a brush, but none would appreciate the art you'd create.

The third and most important reason benjamin, if the point of your comment was to garner the attention of others and start a conversation (which it clearly was given that you were addressing directly in plural with phrases like 'they all xxxxx'), then the best way to do that would be by having a polite, if emotionally charged, debate or conversation with some of the people here.
They are clearly willing.
For discourse to exist neither activist must be the extreme of the extreme or said debate would be akin to two particularly sturdy walls humping each other.

Simple, keep your vitriol, I find it endearing. But for the love of God, fix your grammar and fix your style. There's no beauty to it, it's crassness personified.

While I don't completely disagree with your views on some people of this site and personally don't see anything wrong with trying to make your point of view known. Your methodology was the real problem.

I can't help but feel there was some degree of projection happening, hence, I hope you fare well and can have good conversations in the future, for your sake.

Similarly, I can't say if anything has happened to put you in such a foul mood, but I genuinely hope you move past it. We all have problems and go through a few bad days, and something about that comment makes me feel pity for you.

So much potential, hidden between a thick sludge of burning, sloppy magma.

I hope you read this comment, develop a better way to communicate, and move past your demons.

So I thought being a Sundagio writer with a profile quote from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace was niche enough that I'd be the only one. And yet here you are! I think I'll have to read this just on principle.

Btw this is now in the featured box.

Congrats! You deserve it.

β€œSunset Shimmer, when I think about you, every brain cell I possess screams in impotent horror, and tries to reject the knowledge that you exist.”

You know, if it wasn't meant to be Siren Flirting, that would be one of the harshest things I've ever read:rainbowlaugh:

And then Adagio ate her.

And I'm back!

After yesterday's comment, I thought perhaps I'd committed myself to reading something mediocre on the basis of a comedy quote. But I needn't have worried. This story is lovely.

I have a soft spot for proud, arrogant, and subtly vulnerable Adagio, and you deliver fully on that. The miscommunication, the double-edged dialogue once Sunset knows what's going, Adagio's own attempts to get past her own worst instincts, and a restrained conclusion that doesn't try to tie everything up in a neat little bow.

Criticisms? I think you could ease up a bit on the sirens living in squalor. It's over-egging the pudding a bit. The premise of insults-are-flirting is fun, but not terribly original, being a trait of fantasy races from the Cardassians to the British.

But aside from that, I would say, contrary to Orrm's rambling and tortuously-worded attempt at analysis, this story flows cleanly and does everything it needs to. Its heart is in the attempts of two people trying to find a way past their mutual differences. (Everyone who wants to play sage offers a theory of writing, and every theory of writing they have to offer melts under scrutiny like a cornetto in a staring contest with Superman. My advice: Don't bother with them.)

Aw, cute! And a really interesting look at what courtship might look like for a 20 foot flying sea monster that feeds on negativity. I've become a pretty big fan of the "immortals trying and failing to act human" trope.

Also all bread diet? Well if physical affection doesn't win Adagio over, I imagine cooking her real food would!

A surprise for me in multiple ways. But what I was expecting going in, and it exceeded expectations on every way as a result. Interesting concept and very well done.

Reminds me of the Klegdixal from the Buck Godot series.

11048392
Turns out, I DID bother to enter the contest. :twilightsmile:

I didn't want ReedHoarse to have to be all alone. :fluttershysad:

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