• Published 10th Nov 2021
  • 1,332 Views, 31 Comments

The Girls go Danger (very) Close - JimmySlimmy



They are Equestria's finest mares, but they are Equestria's worst howitzer team. Now with additional lowbrow comedy!

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BONUS: You Ever Read Ennis's "Born?" Kinda Like That.

The six beleaguered mares sat around a small campfire in the gun pit.

“Just how bad are we talking, Twilight?”

Well,” said Twilight, reading through a levitated letter held aloft in the firelight, “the good news is that the orphans were gone on a hike and all the graybeaks were out by a lake for a mock-hunt session.”

“Okay, so, no orphans, no old griffons. Great.” Rainbow Dash smiled weakly. “And the bad news?”

Twilight grimaced. “The bad news is that the, uh, puppies were still there. On the top floor. Directly beneath our shell impacts.”

“Oh, crap.” Rainbow Dash reeled back on her gun-carriage seat, sucking a breath through her teeth. “Did any of them, uh, make it out?”

Twilight shook her head slowly. “Judging by how many names are on the list? I’m guessing none.”

“…How many?” asked Fluttershy, slightly more firmly than usual.

“Trust me, you don’t want to know, Flut–”

How. Many. Puppies.” restated Fluttershy, who had begun to rise slightly off the shell she was using for a seat. “How many, Twilight?”

Twilight gulped, removing another stack of papers from a manila folder with a cloud of magic. “Uh, well, let’s see, there’s seven pages, front and back, and there’s uh–” she peered a little closer “–I think there’s about fifty on each one, so that makes–”

Oh, no, no, no…” Fluttershy shot up, pacing around the gun pit frantically. “That means three hundred and fifty.” Her eyes shot open, pupils like pinpricks, whites reflecting the dancing flames of the fire. “Three hundred and fifty little doggies, just playing and frolicking and we–” Fluttershy began to pant, dry heaving once or twice “–oh my goddess I think I’m going to throw up.”

“Not on the ground you don’t! We’ve gotta walk on that!” Applejack shot up, grabbing an empty ammunition box and tossing it to Fluttershy. The pegasus, ever the picture of social courtesy, nodded frantically as she caught it, turning away from the fire before filling it to the sound of wet spatters.

“Oh, jeez, that’s gross, uh,” Rainbow Dash stood up, scooting away from the retching form of Fluttershy, “wow, okay, uh, like, um,” she paused, lost for words, before finally giving up. “like, just, fuck.”

“My thoughts exactly.” Twilight sighed. “I can’t say I blame her, though, because that’s a lot of puppies. We screwed up big time, girls.”

“Well, you did. AJ and I performed exactly as we should have,” Pinkie interjected. “But I digress. Are there any … comments included? Should we be expecting a visit from judicial officials?”

“No, we shouldn’t.” Twilight shook her head. “But there are definitely a lot of comments included. You want to read the one from Cadence?”

“Not particularly. I don’t much care for her input, actually.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Any particular reason why?”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash preemptively groaned.

Pinkie answered with practiced verse. “Because the only princess whose opinions I would truly value speaks only through the immaterial plane and the rays of Her most perfect creation overhead?”

“Oh, right, that crap. Gods, it gets tiring after a while!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Whatever, I’ll just read it.” She cleared her throat. “Ahem!”

Dearest Twilight,

You complete and utter fucking buffoon.”

Twilight looked up from the letter, hurt. “Well that’s not very nice!”

“Oh, get on with it!” said Rainbow Dash with an eye roll.

With a grumble, Twilight continued. “I was willing to overlook that short shot into the back of the line on your first day of the assignment, because, as I understand it, such mistakes are a natural part of crewing artillery.

However, that umbrella of natural mistakes absolutely does not include ‘perfectly shelling a fucking orphanage.’ Truly, I should be commending you on your accuracy, because, as the inspectors have informed me, you and your merry band of window-licking troglodytes placed three notoriously inaccurate incendiary shells within a three yard circle with your howitzer, which the brainiacs in Ordnance have helpfully informed me possesses a circular error probable of forty yards, which means you made your howitzer perform a good ten times better than originally designed. Obviously, you all are a veritable force of nature when it comes to fucking obliterating puppies. Bravo.

That we share any sort of familial relations is a matter of continued disgust, and I can only ponder as to precisely how my tutelage of you led to your presently pathetic state. Perhaps the lovely Mrs. Velvet drank heavily while you were gestating, in which case it wouldn’t be my fault.

Whatever the case, the only thing keeping you all from being reassigned to a front-line infantry battalion in the Slaughterhouse Pass is the propaganda values of your continued existence. Such a trade-off is finite, however – if you screw up this badly again, I’ll have you all replaced with doppelgangers and sent off to the Pass.

You won’t get rifles.

May perpetual Sunlight shine upon you,

-Cadence.”

The mares sat in stunned silence, except for Fluttershy, who continued to wretch.

“Oh, shit. That’s bad.” Rainbow Dash scratched the back of her head with a hoof. “Are the other letters that, um, that?”

“Yeah.” Twilight pulled another from the envelope. “Here’s one from my brother – and no, there’s no picture, you fucking pervs.”

“Damn shame,” Applejack swore. “What’s it say, then?”

Twilight, rather than read the letter, spun it around.

Never one for purple prose, Shining Armor’s letter merely read “RETARD” in enormous block letters.

The other mares snickered in barely-contained laughter.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Twilight threw the letter down, stomping a dangling back hoof into the dirt. “I didn’t realize all of us screwing up catastrophically was so godsdamn funny.”

“You mean you screwing up catastrophically, Twilight Sparkle,” Pinkie Pie interjected. “Again, as I recall, the drunkard and I performed our duties admirably. It is not our fault you were seemingly unable to perform your responsibilities correctly.”

“Only because you two morons wouldn’t stop talking about whatever weird crap you two kept blabbering about!”

“Oh” So it’s our fault now?” Applejack sneered around the mouth of a bottle. “’Cause I don’t recall doing any math, or copying any orders, or pulling any shells, now do I?”

“Hey! Watch it!” Rainbow Dash pointed an accusing hoof. “Look, I admit, I screwed up, okay? But didn’t anypony catch that we had obviously turned the gun the wrong way?”

“…I did,” muttered Fluttershy from inside her bucket. Nopony heard her.

“I didn’t know it was the wrong way!” Twilight threw her arms out in exasperation. “And besides, considering that Rarity pulled the wrong shells directly against what I said, I’m not sure I said the wrong thing anyway!”

Hmm?” Rarity, who hadn’t heard any of the conversation but picked out her name, peered over the woolen sock she was knitting from the remnants of bedroll liner. It had little lightning bolts on it, and was very cute. “Did one of you mention my name?”

“See what I mean!” Twilight pointed at Rarity. “I can’t deal with you imbeciles! You’re all unbelievable!” She continued pointing at her squad-mates in turn. “She’s a deafened waste of hair! You can’t write! You’re a freak who can’t stop moaning about some pseudomagical horseshit! You’re a loudmouthed lout!” She ended up at Fluttershy, who had now completely removed her face from the bucket. “And you! You’re the worst of all of them, because you won’t listen to me when I command you.” Her nostrils flared in anger. “You know? Like your job?”

Fluttershy’s eyes sank to hard half-lids, wings puffed out slightly in anger, but she remained, for the most part, as soft-spoken as ever. “Well, um, I would have, but–”

No! No more excuses!” Twilight interjected, cutting her off. “I’m tired of excuses! We’re the single worst artillery crew in the entire godsdamn army, and there’s no reason for it!” She shook her head. “We’re the Elements of fucking Harmony, girls! We stopped the Nightmare and Discord and Chrysalis and more! There’s no reason we can’t do anything so long as we’re together and also fix several deep personality issues!”

The girls looked fairly unimpressed by Twilight’s impromptu pep talk, with expressions ranging from mild amusement on Rainbow Dash’s face to barely-contained rage on Fluttershy’s. An awkward silence permeated the gun pit. Finally, after a few moments, Rarity stood up, stretching. “Well! Great chat girls, but I believe that I must use what passes for the little filly’s room.” She trotted over to the corner of the gun pit, throwing a foreleg over and beginning to clamber over the sandbags.

Fluttershy raised a hoof, concerned. “Um, Rarity, you really shouldn’t be leaving the position at night when we’re silhouetted against the sky like–”

Unsurprisingly, Rarity had not heard her. “Remember, anypony who touches my knitting will be personally–”

Rarity never got to finish her sentence, as, mid word, her head snapped back violently, a fresh hole in between the three stenciled diamonds on the side of her helmet. The girls watched in mute horror as a puddle spread across the sand beneath her, a soft “boom” of a rifle round reverberating from across the sand.

O-oh oh shit, shit, shit!” Twilight flung herself from her seat, crawling backwards across the sand to get herself as far away from Equestria’s newest casualty of war. “Ra-Ra-Rarity’s–”

“Dead? Yes, how truly unfortunate.” Pinkie stood up with alarming regularity, face marked with barely contained glee. “The Beaked Menace has claimed another pony.” She grabbed her rifle, removing her bayonet from its frog and affixing it to the muzzle. “Truly, the only way to avenge her death is with close action with the enemy.” Pinkie trotted calmly to the front of the gun pit. “Join me or die in perpetual darkness, fellow Friends. This is truly the end.”

“No the fuck it is not!” Applejack rushed over, grabbing Pinkie by the belt. “I don’t know where the hell you think you’re fixin’ to head to, but you must be out of your gourd to think you stand a chance out there!”

Pinkie turned around, pushing Applejack off. “On the contrary, I quite specifically do not think so, Applejack.” She turned back to the direction of fire, which had begun to multiply across the gun lines. “But I will have an honorable death, and by my sacrifice I will ensure that the Sun Immortal has power enough to shine another day!” She tore open her shirt, revealing a full set of ritualistic sunbeam tattoos down her torso. “Now back off!”

“Hey, uh, no, you are absolutely not going out there! You are not going to go throw your life away for nothing!” Rainbow Dash yelled at Pinkie, rifling through her bedroll in an attempt to find her rifle. “Besides, I’m sure Twilight has orders for us she needs, and we can’t leave her here!” She turned to her commanding officer. “Right Twilight?”

Ra-ra-de-de-dea-dea…”Twilight stammered in between too-short breaths, eyes shooting around the gun pit in terror. “W-we-um-uh…”

“Hey, Twilight! Twilight!” Rainbow Dash grabbed Twilight by the withers, shaking her back and forth. “Wake up, Twi! We’re under attack!” Rainbow Dash turned to look at the rest of the gun line, which had begun to open up in sporadic fire. “And unless we do something, we’re all going to end up like R-Rarity!”

Twilight locked eyes with Rainbow Dash, but continued to mumble dumbly.

Motherfucker!” Rainbow Dash pulled off her locked-up officer. “Twilight’s hopeless. What now?”

“As stated previously, we charge the enemy,” Pinkie answered, gesturing angrily with her rifle at the approaching amorphous mass of bad guys, only barely visible in the moonlight. “The question has already been settled.”

“Okay, well, you do that, I ‘spose, but that’s crazy talk, and I won’t be going anywhere, Pinkie.” Applejack took up a firing position at the front of the gun-pit, rifle in hoof. “So unless any of y’all have a better idea, I suggest you follow my lead and pile up against some cover.”

“I do,” said Fluttershy, with slightly more confidence than usual.

Nopony heard her. The three lucid mares continued to argue among themselves about a course of action. Twilight continued to whimper.

Fluttershy, looking back and forth from the fussing mares to her officer, finally huffed in defeat. With a soft “Fine, I’ll do it myself,” she walked over to the ammunition cart, rolling an illumination flare round off the racks and towards the breech. Arranging shells was better suited for unicorns, but it was still possible without magic, if immensely laborious. With one final shove, Fluttershy pushed the shell onto the loading track, then stepped away from the gun to fetch a powder bag. The standing mares shuffled out of her way, but otherwise continued to argue.

Returning from the ammunition cart, Fluttershy, with a grunt, managed to fling the powder bag behind the shell. With a forceful punch, she threw the breech open, shoving the shell in with the force of a body-weight shoulder press and a few flaps of her wings. She rounded the gun, placing herself at the elevation wheel, which she began to crank up, raising the muzzle skywards.

Finally, Rainbow Dash noticed the actions of the gun crew’s second most silent member (after Rarity, who now won by default.) “Hey, wait a second, Shy. What are you doing?”

“What the manual said to do.” Fluttershy, lanyard in hoof, waved a wing back. “Um, can you clear the breech for recoil?”

All three of the mares, discontent now cut with overt confusion over Fluttershy’s activity, nevertheless did as they were told.

“Thanks.” Fluttershy yanked the lanyard, firing the howitzer. After a second or two of flight, the shell burst in the air, leaving a slowly descending parachute flare behind which cast the field in stark white light. Unfortunately, that light revealed exactly what faced the mares – a seemingly endless sea of griffons lurking through what had previously been the shadows.

The remaining mares, ceasing their argument, stared outwards in mute shock. Twilight stopped muttering.

After a moment, Pinkie shook her head, re-affixing her expression of fanatical commitment to her face. “Well, that settles it.” Pinkie trotted to the front of the gun pit, hauling herself over the embankment, rifle slung across her back. “I look forward to seeing you all again upon our Celestial Rebirth. May your temporary deaths be as honorable as mine.” She gave a quick salute, then slunk off into the rapidly encroaching darkness towards the enemy.

“No, come ba – dangit!” Fluttershy stomped a hoof in frustration. “We needed her to, um, help with the shells and stuff.” She turned her head back towards the shell cart at the back of the gun pit, hoof cranking the elevation wheel down to nearly zero. “I don’t think the manual said anything about a four pony crew.” She shot a glance at Twilight, who had begun to rock slightly. “Or three…”

“What manual, ‘Shy?” Rainbow Dash asked with no small amount of panic, digging through her possessions for her rifle. “What are you talking about?”

“The one we all read?” Fluttershy threw open the breech of the howitzer, nearly dumbstruck by her crewmate’s question. “The one from the–” a rifle round “ping’ed” off the barrel of the howitzer “–crap!” Fluttershy ducked down under the wall of sandbags. “It doesn’t matter.” She shook her head. “Just, um, listen to me, okay? Please?”

“I’d say that depends.” Applejack had likewise positioned herself below the edge of the gun pit. A few low-caliber artillery shells had begun to land in mostly-blind counterbattery fire, adding shrapnel to the list of exceptionally lethal things flying above the ponies. “What, exactly, do you want us to do? ‘Cause I reckon you’d better have a pretty damn good plan at this point.”

“What the manual says!” Fluttershy shot back. She pointed at the shell cart. “‘Depress to zero, load flechette, set fuse to minimum, engage in direct fire, and prepare to defend the guns.’ Didn’t you, uh, read that part?”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked at each other, then back at Fluttershy. “Uh, guess not.”

“Really?” Fluttershy, exasperated, threw out her wings. Another shell exploded nearby, this time a little closer. “Seriously? Neither of you?”

Applejack ducked her head, particles of sand carried aloft by the bombardment bouncing off her helmet. “I might’a, but I don’t remember much.” She scratched her head under her helmet. "I was, uh, kinda tipsy most of boot."

Likewise, Rainbow Dash shook her head. “I only learned the parts about being a lookout and code.”

Just –fine,” Fluttershy huffed, turning back towards the gun to finish fine-tuning the elevation. “I guess it doesn’t matter anyway. Just help me move these shells, okay?”

“Uh, we could, but,–” Rainbow Dash looked over the rim of the sandbags. “Maybe we should, uh, I don’t know, maybe don’t?”

WHAT?” Fluttershy wheeled around. “What the – what do you mean don’t?”

“Well, like, there’s only three of us, right?” Rainbow Dash offered, closing the bolt on her carbine and slinging across her chest. “And we can’t really operate this thing with just three of us, can we?”

“We definitely can. I have seen detailed diagrams on how to do it.”

“Yeah, well, maybe, but still!” Rainbow Dash pointed at the gun pit to the girls’ left. “Wouldn’t we be better off running to one of the crews and helping them out?”

“Are you crazy?” Fluttershy had run all the way to the back of the pit, rolling a flechette round off the cart. “We – urgh– ” she strained against the shell’s weight. “–can’t just abandon the gun! And we can’t abandon Twilight either!” Fluttershy pointed at her officer over the shell. “Besides, we’re a lot safer down here than out in the open field. The field manual said that ‘once counterbattery fire starts, crews should remain–’”

“Yeah, whatever. We’ll only be out there for a little bit.” Rainbow Dash pointed at herself. “Fastest mare alive, right?” She nudged Applejack with a hoof. “And she’s pretty fast, too.”

Fluttershy raised a hoof in protest. “But–”

“Nope!” Applejack pushed herself against the left wall, looking over the edge. “You’re outvoted, ‘Shy!” She pointed at the neighboring artillery piece. “We’re headed over to Gun Twent–”

One of the counterbattery shots found its mark, landing directly on the shell cart of Gun Twenty-One. The gun pit absolutely erupted into a fireball, wildly-colored sparks flying away from the rapidly growing firestorm.

Rainbow Dash blanched, wide-eyes reflecting the orange maelstrom that was her previous target. She gulped. “Okay, uh, guess we’re going to Gun Twenty-Three instead.” She gave Fluttershy a quick nod. “Follow me, Shy!”

Fluttershy gestured towards Twilight. “What about–”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash had already cleared the side of the gun pit. Fluttershy watched as they dodged a shell-crater.

They had made it halfway when another artillery shell came down directly on top of them.

Fluttershy squeaked in horror, recoiling from the parapet. Her eyes tracked an object flying from the explosion towards her. It landed, revealing itself to be the back half of a helmet.

A clump of blonde hairs spilled out from underneath it.

“Oh, goddess, oh goddess–” Fluttershy backed away from the grisly artifact, bumping rump-first into the shell she had left behind. She turned back to face it, locking eyes with Twilight, who was now levitating her service revolver in front of her.

Twilight!” Fluttershy cried, rushing over to stand directly in front of her. “Twilight, snap out of it. You’ve got to help me load the gun!”

Twilight whimpered slightly, but did not respond. Her eyes flicked to her revolver, which she had broken open with her magic. All six chambers were full of cartridges.

Fluttershy, frantic, tried again. “Twilight!” The sounds of incoming fire had become more frequent.

Twilight finally looked up, eyes focused on nothing in particular. “N-no point, no point at all.” She shook her head with unsteady movements, breathing unsteadly. “Can’t win, c-can’t let ‘em capture me, they’ll cut me apart, use me for leverage, just gotta find a, uh–” a gulp “–way-wa-way out that looks good for the papers.”

As if on cue, a griffon swooped overhead, an airborne pegasus in hot pursuit. The griffon, whilst transiting the gun pit, dropped a hand grenade from the air. Both mares watched it fall, finally coming to a soft “splat” into a puddle of mud.

After a split second of thought, Twilight’s horn lit. “That will w-work.” She levitated the grenade over, pulling it close to her chest and rolling over to place herself between the explosive and Fluttershy. “Tell Cadence that I–”

The hand grenade, unfortunately not fused to allow for dramatic last sentences, exploded with a sickening squelch, rocking Twilight slightly into the air and splattering the gun pit’s contents, including Fluttershy, who had preemptively shielded her face with a wing, with a somewhat chunky spray of viscera.

Fluttershy, after an awful moment, pulled her wing away, noting, to her horrified revulsion, exactly what besmirched it. She fell backwards onto her haunches, sucking in shallow, hurried breaths.

Overhead, the battle raged on, with mortar shells striking around the gun pit. Another howitzer team went up in a blast of fire to Fluttershy’s left, and various sounds of anguish could be heard through the night air.

Finally, after a moment to catch her breath, Fluttershy threw herself to her hooves, wings fluttering in rage. “Damnit!” She stomped over to her former commanding officer, sidestepping the spreading effluence and pilfering Twilight’s service revolver, stuffing it into her waistband. “Oh, nopony listen to little old Fluttershy. What would she know, huh? Surely she wouldn’t read the fucking manuals, huh? We all sure didn’t.” She strode purposefully around the gun pit, picking up the three discarded rifles – hers, Twilight’s, and Rarity’s – under her wings and tossing them to the front of the gun pit against the sandbag wall. Kneeling in front of them, she checked the chambers on the rifles – hers loaded, the other two empty, which she rectified by inserting a clip of ammunition.

Satisfied that her meager preparations for close combat were complete, she flung the breech of the howitzer open, then trotted to the ammunition cart, rolling a flechette shell off the racks.


“I just want to restate this for the record: according to accounts, you, after the untimely demise of all of your squad-mates, operated a howitzer by yourself until you warped the barrel from heat soak, after which, with scavenged small arms and bayonet and through grievous bodily injuries, you defended your position for the next five hours until relieved by reinforcements?”

The butter-yellow mare sitting beneath the inquiry board, breast full of medals, eye-patch over her left eye, and jacket conspicuously missing a right wing-hole, responded. “Um, yes, I suppose so, ma’am.”

The colonel rocked back in her chair, blinking slowly. “How about that.” She repeated herself, a little softer this time. “How about that…”

Another one of the officers, this time a mere lieutenant-colonel and not a full bird, chimed in. “How did you manage that, sergeant?”

“Well, I started by making sure the gun was pointed the right way.”

Author's Note:

I paid for the whole Dark tag, I'm gonna use the whole dark tag!

I've always wanted to write a gritty war story, but never had the chops. This way, I can couch my failings under the auspice of comedy!

Before any of you dorks try and correct me, a "clip" is the correct parlance for what holds the boolays together for a bolt action rifle.

Comments ( 7 )

Fluttershy ran an ER on the outskirts of the Everfree. The only difference is that the battlefield smells worse.

Jesus christ.

~Skeeter The Lurker

"Before any of you dorks try and correct me, a "clip" is the correct parlance for what holds the boolays together for a bolt action rifle."

YES! FINALLY, SOMEONE KNOWS!!

I'm not sure if I find this chapter incredibly amusing or mildly depressing, I think I'm just going to go with incredibly amusing.

Well I was suprised by the story but I gotta say it's always the quiet ones.

Well, that got grim fast. Good story tho.

What does "Not a full bird" mean? At first I thought took that literally, as being a hippogriff.

11704670
A colonel's emblem in the American armed forces is a silver eagle, hence a "full bird." A lieutenant colonel is thus not a full bird.

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