• Member Since 24th Oct, 2021
  • offline last seen September 22nd

MistyShadowz


Not dead I think!

E

Twilight is faced with snide comments and unfair insults, which leads her to question her path in life, and mainly her role as a princess. She doubts that she is worthy of the title, and wonders how she ever became one. She soon finds herself alone and comforted by a friend whom she cared for, for so very long. Would her friend be able to change her view on the princess thing? Or will she remain adamant?


This story takes place a few days after Twilight Sparkle’s coronation into a princess. Basically; after the happenings of Magical Mastery Cure


Enjoy!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 18 )

Not too bad for being one of your first stories

A good story, aside from some spelling mistakes such as “ursa” major not ersa, whether instead of weather. Also Fluttershy is one word, no need for the hyphen in between the r and the s.

11031601
Thanks:twilightblush:
I'll make the next one a bit less errory:pinkiehappy:

11031638
Thanks for the comment and corrections,:heart: I have gone back and fixed any that I saw and the ones you've mentioned. Now there shouldn't be too many errors:twilightsheepish:

Aww! That was cute!

Just a few mistakes I noticed

I, reluctantly, take my eyes off of the water and onto my wigs, the cause of all my hurt that night. I stared at them.

I think you meant wings instead of wigs

I had no answer to any of my ever-growing self-doubts. I wanted some answer! I wanted someone, I trusted, to tell me, weather these things were true or not. Weather I'm over-exaggerating. Weather I truly am worthy of this crown. I wanted someone to tell me the truth. I wanted it so bad. I craved it. I needed it. I needed answers. And yet that was one thing I did not have any privilege in getting. I had no way of searching for them without getting worried and upset looks back. I thought the answer was simple...

Whether instead of Weather

When I first met her, I found her irritating, obnoxious and out right horrible, but the more we talked and spent time together, I managed to see a little past her façade of bravery. Deep down, she is as sweet and soft and even as sensitive as Flutter-shy is.

Fluttershy is one word so no need for a dash

Over all good story! I'd recommend spacing paragraphs a bit more so it's not just a wall of text

Comment posted by MistyShadowz deleted Oct 31st, 2021

11032645
Thanks for the corrections
I have gone back and taken another look at it, and sure enough there were places I hadn't corrected, so thanks for that:pinkiehappy: I've taken a close look and have unerrored all the errors, you mentioned:twilightsheepish:

Pretty awesome story!

Hiya there, MistyShadowz!

I... have some thoughts.


Let’s start with the positives. I, for one, like this story. I do enjoy a nice little piece of introspection and angst. Your idea is also original; this isn’t the first time I’ve seen Twilight facing doubts about her role as Princess, but it is the first time it’s realistic. And it makes perfect sense that some snobs would sneer at her (because they’re jealous; it’s not your fault, Twi). The romance is well-written. Almost all romantic relationships start with a crush, followed by a confession. Twi and Dash have know each other for years, and have great chemistry, so that’s good. Overall, it’s a good story, and, for that, here’s your 28th upvote.

The problem starts with the structure of the story.

The most obvious one being the spacing. Paragraphs should be double-spaced or indented or both, but never single-spaced. The problem with single spacing is an inability to distinguish where one paragraph ends and another begins. I read this on a PC, so it wasn’t that hard to differentiate. But for anyone reading on a mobile, well... You can see where I’m going with this. I understand double-spacing makes your work look longer, but that’s okay.

Then there’s the dialogue. In writing, it is important to be able to distinctly and instantly tell who’s saying what. For this reason, dialogue is written as such:

I write a paragraph here. And now I add dialogue on another paragraph.

“Oh,” you say, “I get it now.”

Then you switch to another paragraph. With double-spacing, of course.

Take this extract, for instance.

"You don't have a plan, do you?"
She spat.

"No wonder you have nothing more than a title. Princess Celestial had a plan for you and your friends for years and yet..."
She paused to add dramatic effect,
"...you don't, a princess without a plan is..."

"...preposterous!"
The mint maned unicorn mare finished,

"You know how many other ponies were worthy of the title 'Princess'?"
The emerald eyed mare questioned in a posh and yet rude tone.

With proper spacing and paragrpahing, it looks like this:

“You don’t have a plan, do you?” she spat. “No wonder you have nothing more than a title. Princess Celestia had a plan for you and your friends and yet...”

She paused for dramatic effect.

“...you don’t. And a princess without a plan is...”

“...prepesturous!” the mint-mnaed unicorn mare finished.

“You know how many other ponies are worthy of the title ‘Princess’?” the emerald-eyed mare questioned in a posh, yet rude, tone.

And our third problem. The flashbacks. I understand your use of flashbacks to take us through time and see the preparation of the party. I get that. But the present and the past need to be really distinguishable. Take this extract:

|----|

Applejack and Fluttershy weren't the most enthused about this thing, but after some pestering from Rarity even they seemed to smile and enjoy the night. Fluttershy had asked Rarity to go with her to this event, a day prior, and they had made it a date, so I am not going to ruin that for them.

|----|

"Would you... um... want to go to... the... um... party with me? Like a uhh... date"
The look of pure thrill and joy on Rarity's face as Shy had uttered those words was priceless, in a Hearths Warming kind of way. Rarity hugged the Pegasus, unwilling to let her go. Me and the other girls, were hidden in a bush to see what would happen, and I have to say, it was definitely worth calling off some of the preparations for the party to see them so happy.

|----|

Frankly Applejack was the least trilled, she did have fun, I assume but I am not to sure. She had a chance to sell some of her goods, to make money, so I don't think she's that unhappy here. She seemed to be thrilled at the idea of Rarity and Shy going out. She was in fact one of the girls who hyped Shy up to go and confess, along with Pinkie and Dash.

|----|

The flashbacks and the present must be made distinct. There are a number of ways to do this. But the most common ole is through the use of italics. Like this:

|----|

Applejack and Fluttershy weren't the most enthused about this thing, but after some pestering from Rarity even they seemed to smile and enjoy the night.

Fluttershy had asked Rarity to go with her to this event, a day prior, and they had made it a date, so I am not going to ruin that for them.

|----|

"Would you... um... want to go to... the... um... party with me? Like a uhh... date"

The look of pure thrill and joy on Rarity's face as Shy had uttered those words was priceless, in a Hearths Warming kind of way. Rarity hugged the Pegasus, unwilling to let her go. Me and the other girls, were hidden in a bush to see what would happen, and I have to say, it was definitely worth calling off some of the preparations for the party to see them so happy.

|----|

Frankly Applejack was the least trilled, she did have fun, I assume but I am not to sure. She had a chance to sell some of her goods, to make money, so I don't think she's that unhappy here. She seemed to be thrilled at the idea of Rarity and Shy going out. She was in fact one of the girls who hyped Shy up to go and confess, along with Pinkie and Dash.

|----|

There are also a lot of typos around here. Misspelled words, misplaced punctuations and the like, but every writer has these, so it’s fine.


Whew. This got long.

I don’t know how relevant any of this is today. I know two months isn’t a long time, but you’ve written a lot since then, and I haven’t read your recent stories. I should cut you some slack since this is your second fic, but a little constructive criticism is good.

I hope I wasn’t too harsh, blunt or forceful. I tend to come off as those sometimes, and if I have, I apologize in advance.

That said, you keep writing, Misty. And have a magical day!

11124437
Thank you! Really, thank you for this! I love receiving constructive criticisms!
I've been working on the dialogue and paragraph spacing problem, and I know it's there too. My earlier stories would (more than likely) have that but my newest works shouldn't.
As for the flashbacks.... I'll admit, they were a second thought. I just felt that I was doing a whole bunch of telling and very little showing. I suppose, my solution to that was the flashbacks. So cause of that, I didn't put much thought into that segment.
And, I like to believe a lot of stuff has changed since I put this out. But everyone's gotta room and space to improve.
Again, thank you so very much for this! I really appreciate it. Oh and don't go thinking I'm going to trash this, I'm probably going to keep this in the noggin while writing. Thank you again!:twilightsmile:

11124653
You’re very welcome. I’m glad I could help.

On the topic of constructive criticism, don’t you ever get that exiting, yet terrifying, feeling when you need to receive a comment to your stories?

1112480
Well, I mean, sometimes. Not always. I don't know. When I need to receive comments on a story, I simply wait, forget it exists, and when I get one, then only do I start feeling things. For your little comment here, I was a bit scared, seeing as how it was so long and you had a lot to say, but also real thrilled to receive some actual constructive criticism. I suppose, to answer your question: only when I get a comment, do I start fretting/rejoicing.:twilightsmile:

If you allow me to say so, I thank you for having touched on such an interesting topic. I've searched a lot, but I'm having a hard time finding stories that talk about Twilight's role as a princess. The detail of the nobles mocking or questioning her fuels the doubt and allows Twilight's own characteristic anxiety to play against her. I can feel myself yelling at Twilight from my cell phone screen, "Hold on, Sparkle, hold on!"

11132885
Happy to see you've enjoyed. And even happier to know that I got Twilight on point with her personality :twilightsmile:
Thanks for reading, bud!

I love this story

It was the best story I have ever seen

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