Twilight is faced with snide comments and unfair insults, which leads her to question her path in life, and mainly her role as a princess. She doubts that she is worthy of the title, and wonders how she ever became one. She soon finds herself alone and comforted by a friend whom she cared for, for so very long. Would her friend be able to change her view on the princess thing? Or will she remain adamant?
This story takes place a few days after Twilight Sparkle’s coronation into a princess. Basically; after the happenings of Magical Mastery Cure
Enjoy!
Chapters (1)
Not too bad for being one of your first stories
A good story, aside from some spelling mistakes such as “ursa” major not ersa, whether instead of weather. Also Fluttershy is one word, no need for the hyphen in between the r and the s.
11031601
Thanks
I'll make the next one a bit less errory
11031638
I have gone back and fixed any that I saw and the ones you've mentioned. Now there shouldn't be too many errors
Thanks for the comment and corrections,
Aww! That was cute!
11032164
Just a few mistakes I noticed
I think you meant wings instead of wigs
Whether instead of Weather
Fluttershy is one word so no need for a dash
Over all good story! I'd recommend spacing paragraphs a bit more so it's not just a wall of text
11032645
I've taken a close look and have unerrored all the errors, you mentioned
Thanks for the corrections
I have gone back and taken another look at it, and sure enough there were places I hadn't corrected, so thanks for that
Pretty awesome story!
11036102
Hiya there, MistyShadowz!
I... have some thoughts.
Let’s start with the positives. I, for one, like this story. I do enjoy a nice little piece of introspection and angst. Your idea is also original; this isn’t the first time I’ve seen Twilight facing doubts about her role as Princess, but it is the first time it’s realistic. And it makes perfect sense that some snobs would sneer at her (because they’re jealous; it’s not your fault, Twi). The romance is well-written. Almost all romantic relationships start with a crush, followed by a confession. Twi and Dash have know each other for years, and have great chemistry, so that’s good. Overall, it’s a good story, and, for that, here’s your 28th upvote.
The problem starts with the structure of the story.
The most obvious one being the spacing. Paragraphs should be double-spaced or indented or both, but never single-spaced. The problem with single spacing is an inability to distinguish where one paragraph ends and another begins. I read this on a PC, so it wasn’t that hard to differentiate. But for anyone reading on a mobile, well... You can see where I’m going with this. I understand double-spacing makes your work look longer, but that’s okay.
Then there’s the dialogue. In writing, it is important to be able to distinctly and instantly tell who’s saying what. For this reason, dialogue is written as such:
Take this extract, for instance.
With proper spacing and paragrpahing, it looks like this:
And our third problem. The flashbacks. I understand your use of flashbacks to take us through time and see the preparation of the party. I get that. But the present and the past need to be really distinguishable. Take this extract:
The flashbacks and the present must be made distinct. There are a number of ways to do this. But the most common ole is through the use of italics. Like this:
There are also a lot of typos around here. Misspelled words, misplaced punctuations and the like, but every writer has these, so it’s fine.
Whew. This got long.
I don’t know how relevant any of this is today. I know two months isn’t a long time, but you’ve written a lot since then, and I haven’t read your recent stories. I should cut you some slack since this is your second fic, but a little constructive criticism is good.
I hope I wasn’t too harsh, blunt or forceful. I tend to come off as those sometimes, and if I have, I apologize in advance.
That said, you keep writing, Misty. And have a magical day!
11124437
Thank you! Really, thank you for this! I love receiving constructive criticisms!
I've been working on the dialogue and paragraph spacing problem, and I know it's there too. My earlier stories would (more than likely) have that but my newest works shouldn't.
As for the flashbacks.... I'll admit, they were a second thought. I just felt that I was doing a whole bunch of telling and very little showing. I suppose, my solution to that was the flashbacks. So cause of that, I didn't put much thought into that segment.
And, I like to believe a lot of stuff has changed since I put this out. But everyone's gotta room and space to improve.
Again, thank you so very much for this! I really appreciate it. Oh and don't go thinking I'm going to trash this, I'm probably going to keep this in the noggin while writing. Thank you again!
11124653
You’re very welcome. I’m glad I could help.
On the topic of constructive criticism, don’t you ever get that exiting, yet terrifying, feeling when you need to receive a comment to your stories?
1112480
Well, I mean, sometimes. Not always. I don't know. When I need to receive comments on a story, I simply wait, forget it exists, and when I get one, then only do I start feeling things. For your little comment here, I was a bit scared, seeing as how it was so long and you had a lot to say, but also real thrilled to receive some actual constructive criticism. I suppose, to answer your question: only when I get a comment, do I start fretting/rejoicing.
If you allow me to say so, I thank you for having touched on such an interesting topic. I've searched a lot, but I'm having a hard time finding stories that talk about Twilight's role as a princess. The detail of the nobles mocking or questioning her fuels the doubt and allows Twilight's own characteristic anxiety to play against her. I can feel myself yelling at Twilight from my cell phone screen, "Hold on, Sparkle, hold on!"
11132885
Happy to see you've enjoyed. And even happier to know that I got Twilight on point with her personality
Thanks for reading, bud!
I love this story
It was the best story I have ever seen