• Member Since 4th Oct, 2021
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Lulamoon Crystal


Hello! I’d love to have comments on my story, I appreciate them! It shows me support and keeps me motivated. We are welcome to be friends too, and if you follow me then I’ll follow you back!

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When Discord gives Trixie, what she thinks is a soda but is actually a shrinkage potion she must go around looking for a cure. But she’s a little lot smaller than she should be, being the size of a mouse isn’t as easy as it looks

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

Hmm. This could use a rewrite. Some parts of the conversation look a bit disconnected with each other and the expressions the characters gave in some parts seem irrelevant. But I had fun reading it anyway.

11019766
Oh okay! Thanks.

expressions the characters gave in some parts seem irrelevant

Some parts of the conversation look a bit disconnected with each other

Are you able to give me some example on where this happened so I can learn from them?

Also!

Tiny Trixie :trixieshiftright::trixieshiftleft:

“Discord” Trixie and Starlight replied in unison.

“But it’ll be okay, Starlight and Twilight should know the spell...” Fluttershy gave Trixie a gentle pat on the head, only for her to growl like a cat.

For example, this part. Trixie says “Discord.” When they ask what happened.

The following sentence goes like “But it’ll be okay, Starlight and Twilight should know the spell...”

Instead of starting like this, you can write an assuring sentence like, “Don’t worry Trixie, it’ll be okay. Starlight and Twilight should know a spell to fix this.”

This way, the conversation looks more fitting.


Discord did enter soon, he was laughing, Fluttershy was smiling a little, but it turned into a serious face when she pointed at Trixie.

“Don’t worry ponies, this potion only lasts a few hours” He summoned a can of The potion he used, it was brown with a label that described it, “I disguised it as a soda drink”

If you show the reader the scene here, story will flow easier. When Discord arrives, make him ask what is going on here as if he is not aware. And adding a dialogue like this between these two paragraphs I gave up there can help us follow the story easier:

Discord moved to the tiny mare and took a closer look. A smirk formed on his face as he figured out the situation, “Oh I see. It seems like someone did indeed drank my special drink. Right my tiny friend?” He laughed as he saw Trixie blushing.

Twilight interrupted his fun by stepping her hoof on the ground, she almost sounded mad, “Well how do we fix it? Surely you must know a way to get over with this!”

—> Discord, took a hold of his laugh and cleared his throat,<— “Don’t worry ponies, this potion only lasts a few hours” He summoned a can of The potion he used, it was brown with a label that described it, “I disguised it as a soda drink”


If you write your dialogues like this and present characters a little more clear, reader can follow easier.

Keep up with writing!
:twilightsmile:

i want commission you for a part 2 .

11033218
You mean to make a part two to this story?

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