Princess Poggers

by Lochees

I swear I can't help it!

In the middle of the night the Zephyr Heights palace was devoid of life, except for one room.

In her luxurious streaming room Princess Pipp was wrapping up the longest stream she had ever done, a 36 hour long one for charity!

Pipp was not looking too hot though. Her normally perfect mane was disheveled from her pro gamer headset constantly chafing the top of her head and her eyes drooped, the bags under them almost as big as the beanbag she sat on, its deep purple satin sheen contrasting the sweaty sheen of her coat from the endurance challenge that has been this stream.

Her wings drooped weakly and the only light in the room was her monitor painting her face with a sickly glow. Normally she streamed with lots of light to perfectly frame her face but she turned them off about 16 hours ago to help with eye fatigue.

With a loud burp Pipp giggled as she finished chugging her freshly opened can of PEGASUS POWER energy drink and casually tossed it behind her to loudly clink on the mountain of energy drinks. Those things were barely working anymore but Pipp needed every little bit of help she could get; besides, this was almost over.

"That's it chat! 36 hours and we've done it wooo! Thank you everypony for all your kind donations to charity, you've helped an amazing cause! Pipp Pipp Hooray!" Pipp blearily cheered, waving her perfectly manicured hoof in the air and fluttering her warm and fuzzy wings in excitement.

She smiled, watching chat explode with a wall of emotes, bits and congratulations along with dozens of requests for back to back 36 hour streams. Her eye caught one chat in particular and while she normally would never say this out loud she was too tired to care tonight.

"Oh and chat before I go pass out I have one last thing to say to all of you PippSqueaks." She leaned in close to her webcam, her face filling up the corner of the stream. Her face was the picture of seriousness as the anticipation picked up in the chat.

"Goodnight, you're my little pogchamps." Unable to keep the serious look on her face anymore Pipp broke out laughing while the chat was buried under a flood of omegaLUL's, KEKW's and poggers. Laughing gleefully Pipp watched them go for a moment before ending the stream.

Still giggling to herself she took her headset off and with all the grace of a cat she stretched as hard as she could to loosen up her stiff joints from the long stream.

"Uhhh Pipp that was sooooo cringy! Glad I can say that I was tired out of my mind." She laughed to herself. Tiredly dragging herself out of her stream room she caught the guard outside laughing to himself right before his face reset into professional mode. He must have been watching the stream, Pipp thought.

Giving him a knowing look she muttered "PogChamp" just loud enough for the guard to hear. The poor guard tried his best, his face screwing up in a strenuous attempt to not burst out in laughter. Pipp winked at him and laughed at his face. Closing the door to her room behind her she heard the guard explode in weak gasping laughter, unable to contain it anymore.

Smiling to herself she quickly walked across her gilded room, throwing herself on her gigantic and equally luxurious bed. Quickly rolling up in the breathy satin sheets she giggled to herself one last time before passing out faster than Zipp declining a spa day.

Sleeping fitfully, Pipp tossed and turned. Her dreams were plagued with a streaming fever dream.

Sitting on a small rowboat Pipp was surrounded by a swamp full of swirling chaos. Chat copy-pasta walls were being drowned by millions of every emote imaginable and before her very eyes they swirled together into a giant bog monster of cringe and innocent fun.

Unable to say anything Pipp could just stare in horror as the giant beast called Chat splashed the bog around her, rocking the boat as it chanted "Pipp" over and over and threatening to tip the boat over. Panicking Pipp tried to paddle away but the monster kept growing until it was as large as a mountain, dwarfing the tiny rowboat.

Pipp stared up in horror at this abomination, a cold sweat breaking out all over her fuzzy body. With a giant woosh sound the monster tilted over her, it was going to fall on her!

Opening her mouth in ear piercing scream Pipp closed her eyes and huddled in the bottom of the boat right as the monster slapped down on top of her, rocking the boat so hard she jerked awake.

"Whaa" She yelled, flailing about from waking up suddenly. Her wing flew out and smacking something hard.

"Ow!" Zipp yelled, stumbling backwards in pain. Holding her wing to her nose she gave Pipp a watery look, her eyes tearing up. "Geez sis, swing softer next time when I'm trying to wake you up. I've been shaking you for like ten minutes!"

Sheepishly looking over Pipp said, "Oh I'm so sorry Zipp! I was having a nightmare feelsbadman." Zipp cocked one eyebrow behind her wing, giving Pipp a weird look. Shrugging to herself Zipp decided to take it in stride and dropped her wing.

"It's ok Pipp, cmon breakfast is ready and you've slept for like a bazillion hours." She said while trotting over to Pipp's bedroom door. Stopping for a moment at the threshold Zipp looked back with a smile on her face and added, "Grats on the stream by the way, 36 hours is impressive."

Pipp beamed in pride, she almost never got compliments from her competitive older sister. Jumping out of bed she totally disregarded her morning mane care routine and rushed after Zipp gleefully.

"A compliment from Zipp? Today is my lucky day Poggers!" Pipp said, oblivious to having said an emote out loud. Bouncing behind Zipp from sheer joy her wings fluttered adorably.

Zipp cringed for a split second before recovering, "Uh... nevermind." She finished prematurely upon seeing Pipp's joyful face. Zipp didn't have the heart to crush such boundless joy this early in the morning.

Making their way to the breakfast table they sat across from their mom, Queen Haven. Waiting on the servants to bring out their morning meal Haven asked Pipp about her latest creative endeavor.

"Morning girls. How did your long stream go Pipp? Did we get a lot for charity as you had hoped?" Haven asked, adjusting her crown out of habit to more snugly fit on her head. Pipp sat up in excitement, her wings fluttering with the speed of light and her body exuding joy.

"Oh it was so Poggers! I don't know how much exactly but it was over 200,000 bits! Hypers! You'd think that we could just increase taxes to help out the poor but this way feels so much better, we totally Jebaited everypony KEKW." Pipp chuckled to herself.

Haven stared blankly at Pipp, a confused look on her face. Slowly turning her head she looked at Zipp, clearing expecting some kind of answer.

"Don't look at me mom, she's been like this ever since she woke up." Zipp shrugged helplessly.

Even through her excitement and gushing Pipp noticed the exchange between the two of them and asked innocently, "MonkaS what do you mean 'I've been like this.' I've been like what ThinkingFace?"

Haven was speechless so Zipp pointed her fork at Pipp and flatly said, "You've been saying emotes out loud all morning Pipp, you sure you're ok?"

Pipp's face screwed up in confusion as a hoof went to her chest in denial. Wings fluttering anxiously she shook her head in denial, brushing-off Zipp's accusation. Her messy mane flying back and forth she shook it for another minute, there was nothing wrong with her!

"NotLikeThis! Zipp you're wrong! You gotta be Kappa'ing right now! I can't hear it so it can't be true PepeHands!" Pipp exclaimed, her face screwing up like she was about to cry.

Haven looked like she wanted to sink through the floor in second-hand embarrassment. Zipp just rolled her eyes and sighed. Pulling out her phone she said while hitting record on the device. "Ok Pipp, tell me what you think of me in general."

Pipp looked down in deep thought, her wings calming themselves and tucking in close to her soft body. Looking up at Zipp she smiled the sweetest smile and said, "Oh Zipp you're so Poggers, I do get a little ResidentSleeper when you sneak away from doing any kind of PR stuff with the rest of us it's so DansGame but don't worry. I'd never BabyRage over it, I do wish you would hang out in my stream more often, the few times you do I always feel so BibleThump or Smilers but even though it's such a FeelsGoodMan I don't want to pressure you though because that would be such a 1Head move." She finished with a proud smile on her face, she wanted Zipp to know how she thought the world of her.

Zipp stopped the recording. She looked down at the table dejectedly and mumbled, "This is bad." Hitting play she let the whole recording play out.

Pipp's upright body sunk further and further in her chair as the super cringy recording played out. Looking horrified she held her hooves up to her mouth, eyes wide in shock. "This is PepeHands, this is PepeHands, this is PepeHands" She repeated in horror.

Haven looked like she was about to cry while Zipp put away her phone, cringing from embarrassment. Haven finally found her voice and burst out deliriously, "We need to find a way to fix this! Zipp! This is critical. Pipp can't stay like this! Do something!"

Zipp nodded and thought to herself for a minute, her logical mind trying to puzzle everything together. She was about to speak when the servants opened the door to bring out their food. She quickly stared at Pipp intensely.

"Pipp, shut up for a minute until we have some privacy." Zipp warned quietly, giving Pipp a significant look while jerking her head at the servants. Pipp gulped and nodded, holding both her hooves over her mouth dramatically. Professionalism overruling their curiosity, the servants didn't outwardly acknowledge the normally chatty Princess holding her mouth closed. Quickly delivering the food they bowed and left.

All three of the Royalty eyed the door until they were sure it was closed. Zipp sighed a moment and then said, "Mom... I'm pretty sure that this is because Pipp streamed so long and then had a nightmare the whole time she slept. I bet this will be over with by tomorrow, in the meantime we'll just have to keep Pipp out of the public eye until she's gotten this out of her system. We do not have to deal with all that work if this gets out."

Haven nodded and shakily fanned her face with a napkin, clearly disturbed by her daughters behavior. "That better be it Zipp, I can't understand a thing she says right now!" She said distressed.

Pipp looked at her mother, eyes pleading. "Mom I swear I can't help it PepeHands! Ugh this whole thing is so WeirdChamp, it's like I'm Jebaiting myself right now! I don't wanna be a Pepega Mom I want to be a Poggers!" She wailed at her unjust fate.

Visibly going from embarrassed to annoyed Haven looked sharply at Pipp. "For bucks sake Pipp I can't understand a word of what you're saying! I order you to keep quiet until you've slept and hopefully this whole disaster can be behind us." She said sternly, harboring no room for discussion.

Pipp sadly nodded, her usually perkiness totally gone. Glumly she ate what little breakfast she had an appetite for and pushed herself away from the table.

"I'm going to my room FeelsBadMan. I'll stay offline till I've slept and all this is over. Gah! This is such a ResidentSleeper." She moaned on her way out of the dining room, wings dragging on the floor in sadness. Haven made a strangled noise of frustration and pointed her spoon at Zipp.

"Go after her! Make sure she doesn't speak to anypony until she gets in her room, you can finish your breakfast when you get back... and confiscate her phone!" Haven added exasperatedly.

"Whatever mom." Zipp sighed as she rolled her eyes in rebellion but she still pushed herself away from the table like Pipp had done and followed her out the door.

On their way to Pipp's room they heard a familiar barking and CloudPuff came barreling around the corner up ahead, pulling the Royal Dog Handler by the leash along with a couple of dog admirers visiting the castle.

Zipp immediately became annoyed. She never liked CloudPuff that much or how anypony could claim to love dogs and get a free tour of the palace "walking her". She always got way too good treatment for being just a dog but Pipp seemed to love to gush and pamper the thing every time she sees her. Oh no Pipp!

Turning to stuff a hoof in Pipps mouth Zipp saw she was too late. Pipps previous gloomy expression was totally gone. In its place was a look of pure unadulterated puppy love. Before Zipp could even move Pipp couldn't help herself and opened her mouth.

"CloudPuff! You cyoot heckin puppers c'mere! You're my little Pogchamp aren't you? Ha gottem." Pipp burst out in habitual love and excitement.

Zipp facehooved. Hard.

That's gonna be a lot of paperwork.

Author's Note:

Reckless streaming can be dangerous to the health of everyone around you so be careful!

This was cringy to write and its cringy to read, I kinda like that lol but obviously its not everyones cup 'o tea

Oh and I totally didn't lose like half of my brain cells writing this. Didn't need 'em anyways... they probably smelt of elderberries and their mom had to have been a rodent of unusual size. Also this fic was 100% worth it in my opinion

(Also I know the emotes aren't capitalized like they are IRL but for ease of reading reasons I did it like I did)

(Oh also idk if congratulations are in order if you can fluently understand Pipp. I know I could since I wrote it but I'm not sure if that's something to be proud of. It is definitely impressive in its own pitiful way)

Comments

[Honor Quill]

Went over my head 100%
Was still the cringiest thing I have ever read tho

[Lochees]

11012785
Honestly I dont blame you, you pretty much have to be really big into twitch to even get half this stuff but I agree, It was the cringiest thing I've written and I 100% had post submission clarity mixed with regret but that's kinda the point I guess lol

[Tinandel]

I'm pretty sure the cure to this condition is just going outside for a few hours, minus the phone.

[V_for_Vodka]

This was the most painful thing I've experienced. Even more painful than the time I broke the bones in my hand or the time I busted my knee during a military exercise.
Good job.

[StormLuna]

A lot of the things that Pipp said made absolutely no sense to me but still, have an upvote.

[Buck Swisher]

I had to Google all these emotes.

Cringe, but an aight fic.

[Herald of Opera]

11013014
They probably make no sense to the Twitch crowd either, but that doesn't stop them.

[BirdsBooksBrownies]

Not the absolute worst thing that I've ever read I'd say something around 3rd or 4th? Regardless, I know that you did this for the lulz so I can't gripe too much. I honestly had to look most of them up.

[Lochees]

Thanks everyone for the comments, I'd tag you all in it and if you come back to this story then that means you but it also means you'd have to look at this again which i don't want to pressure y'all into doing so lol. Yeah this was an after work I really gotta write something working its way out of my system coupled with a meme I saw on facebook during my after-work poop. Thanks for the upvotes and I'm glad you all love/hated it. I know a lot of these go over most peoples heads but then again i guess it helps you feel like Haven just a little bit lol. Either way i'm still ashamed but also proud of this unholy abomination I decided to share with everyone and I'm glad its at the very least not poorly written

[Ri2]

I'm afraid they have no recourse but to execute Pipp. It's the only way.

[Lochees]

11013895
tis the only way

[oak-tail]

This fic is written way better than it has any right to be, lol. Only the highest quality shitposting here.

[Kikio3000]

This story was totes poggers! XD LOL. I really enjoyed it!

[Lochees]

11457079
Thanks!

[Evil Paladin]

11013895
11013921
*stands behind Pipp with a 12-gage shotgun*
"Pipp, *loads a shotgun slug* tell me about the squeakers."
*aims the shotgun at the back of Pipp's head and try to steel my nerves, while Pipp complains about whining 8 year olds on online multi-player spouting racist phrases, and how they're a pain in the ass to play with or against*

[Evil Paladin]

Sitting on a small rowboat Pipp was surrounded by a swamp full of swirling chaos. Chat copy-pasta walls were being drowned by millions of every emote imaginable and before her very eyes they swirled together into a giant bog monster of cringe and innocent fun.

- I own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended.
- Four ruffians break into my house.
- "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle.
- Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man. He's dead on the spot.
- Draw my pistol on the second man. Misses him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbor's dog.
- I have to resort to the cannon at the top of the stairs loaded with grapeshot.
- "Tally ho, lads." The grapeshot shreds two men in the blast. The sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms.
- Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion.
- He bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are difficult to stitch-up.
- Just as the founding fathers intended.

[Evil Paladin]

Izzy would totally be Pipp's Skulker.

[Evil Paladin]

I want to give your story a like, but you're sitting at 69 likes, and I don't want to be the one to mess that up.

[Evil Paladin]

I love how legitimately distressed Haven is by Pipp's fuckery.

[Lochees]

11568857
true, cant mess that one up

[Draco Dei]

Minor correction:

<SNIP>We do not have to deal with all that work if this gets out."

I suggest "want to" between these two words, or some other fix.