• Member Since 4th Oct, 2021
  • offline last seen November 25th

Lulamoon Crystal

Hello! I’d love to have comments on my story, I appreciate them! It shows me support and keeps me motivated. We are welcome to be friends too, and if you follow me then I’ll follow you back!


Rarity, Starlight and Trixie all get stuck in the rain when it comes suddenly, but it’s a good thing that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are here to teach them how to have fun in the rain!

Will they succeed in teaching these three mares how to have fun in the rain? Or will they just be all wet and grumpy sooks?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 1 )

The pegasi weren’t scheduled to do a rainy day but it was an emergency, crops and other plants needed their water and the next day was going to be extremely hot.

This makes one wonder who is in charge of scheduling the weather. It’s understandable that emergencies happen if something goes awry, but apparently the extremely hot weather is planned for the next day… why? Did somepony fail to notice that? Can’t they just change the plans for tomorrow instead of drenching half of Ponyville because the plot demands it? So many questions that I had to stop reading to jot this bit down.

All in all, the premise is nice, and it could make for a cutesy bite-sized read. However, I’ll be brutally honest with you, the execution needs work, lots of it. You start off right by introducing the story’s conflict (the sudden rain) as soon as possible, but as I’ve pointed out above, you do so in a way that artificially creates the problem without a sound reason. The story as a whole then suffers from its pacing being way too fast. This results in a lack of atmosphere and time that’d allow the readers to immerse themselves in the plot. Right now it’s mostly just telling and ponies shrieking at each other. Don’t hesitate to slow down and describe more to make the audience feel as if they are joyfully jumping in puddles alongside the characters.

There’s also a bunch of smaller-scale errors, most notably recurring issues in capitalisation and punctuation associated with direct speech. If you want, I can send you a short guide on how to tackle these like a pro. Furthermore, the story is also riddled with random errors including: word repetition, run-on sentences, typos and mixed-up words (e.g quite/quiet), odd formatting, et cetera. It’s also good to separate scenes with an actual line break, such as this fancy horizontal rule

rather than rely on double or triple spaces between paragraphs. Still, you get an upvote for effort.

And that’s pretty much all I wanted to say. Let me know if anything was unclear or if I should elaborate on something for you. You have the potential to be a good writer, but you need to keep learning and honing your skills. You’d surely benefit from having someone else with enough knowledge look over the story before you publish it.

Have a nice day and good luck in your writing!

Login or register to comment