Flutterbreeze and Shetland Hames: Manechester United

by Flutterbreeze

Arsenal

Flutterbreeze felt something poking his face. He waved his hoof at it, then rubbed his eyes and opened them. He felt awful. He was sore all over, and felt a searing pain on his forehead.

Looking over he saw Shetland Hames standing at his side. “What the blazes are you doing?”

“Ahh, good, you’re awake. That’s a good sign. That means everything checks out ok.”

“What you mean, everything checks out? What did you do to me?”

“Oh, just running a few tests while you were asleep. Seeing how your body responds to different stimuli. I must say, I am impressed that you’re able to move around. Most ponies would be incapacitated for at least a day.”

Flutterbreeze sat up, a huge pain cracked through his spine. “So what, you’ve been up all night hitting me with a hammer?”

“Not all night.”

“Is this what you do to everypony you meet?”

“Just looking out for your safety. I have to know how much you can handle, what your reflexes are like, how much pain you can endure, how long it takes for you to regain consciousness after... well, it would be better if you didn’t know.”

The pegasus struggled to stand up. “Sorry if I’m not feeling very grateful right now.” he groaned.

“I suggest you take a day off and rest a bit. You don’t want to break something. Not yet, at least.”

“And miss all the fun I’m sure we’ll have?” A bone cracked. “Ahhhhhhh! I’m not going to sit and watch because of your little experiments. But... I aaaaaaaaaaaaaaam going to eat breakfast first. And meanwhile you can tell me what we’re uhhhhhhhhp against.” Each step hurt, but he was at least starting to limber up. “And you! You are NOT going to do this to me again!”

Trixie sat on a half-burnt sofa at her apartment in Fillydelphia. ‘Face it, you’re bored.’ She ate a few cheesy alfalfa puffs. ‘You must be bored, you’re watching a marathon on the cooking channel... again.’ An ad came on. ‘Underwear? What a ridiculous idea. It’ll never catch on.’ She grabbed the remote magically and switched off the television.

“Sigh, what is a great and powerful Trixie to do with herself?” She looked over at a bag in a corner of the room. ‘Probably best not to... but he wouldn’t have left it with me if he didn’t trust me with whatever was in it.’

“Besides, I’m SOOOOOOOOOOOO bored!” She grabbed the bag and emptied its contents, a number of random papers, onto her desk, then started to read the one that ended up on top. “Notes on Xolotl, beast of the underworld: NEVER look at his face when he has his mask off.... Booooooooring.”

She set it aside and read a different paper. “Traitor suspects? Hmm, looks like a bunch of foals from Ponyville. Figures... Wait, traitors to what?”

She searched through the rest of the papers till she saw one that said “Trixie (The Great and Powerful)” on the top. ‘If you got bored or curious enough to read this you probably have figured out (or soon will) that I am a secret agent.’

“Oh, yeah, he’s REAL secret!”

‘If for whatever reason (though for the life of me I can’t find one) you need to find me, I’ve gone to stay with the Duke of Manechester. By the way, you are reading this in my voice, aren’t you?’

“Buck, I am!”

She went back to the list of traitor suspects. There was one clue on the bottom of the page. “It would be so easy to figure out. Even HE could do it, but apparently not! All one would have to do is go down to Ponyville and... Oh, no. I’m not THAT bored. I might be bored enough to talk to myself and watch the cooking channel all day while eating my neighbor’s snacks... but... oh buck it!”

“Alright, where do we start?” Flutterbreeze was nibbling a crumpet.

“Well, naturally we start with what we know.” said Shetland.

“Well?”

“Oh, right. Well, we know that we’re dealing with a crazed genius with access to one of the largest weapon caches in Albion. We know that this fiend has connections with the mob. And we know that he knows that we know this about him.”

“And who exactly is this madman?”

“That... I don’t know. BUT, don’t worry, old chap, for you see, evil genii are my speciality!”

“Do you at least know what he’s trying to do?”

“My best guess right now is that he’s trying to start war, from which his weapons caches could grant him an enormous fortune.”

“War profiteering? Is that the best you can come up with? Look, I’ve dealt with my share of evil... genii, and I can tell you this: They always want to conquer either Equestria, or the entire world.”

“Well, I’ve been on this case for a year now and you just started a couple days ago. Besides, I’m the brilliant detective here, you’re just extra muscle.” Shetland Hames lit his pipe.

“Seriously? You don’t even know the guy’s name!”

“I still know far more than you. You’re just a mailpony with some duct tape. Besides, you’re not the only agent on this mission.”

“What are you talking about?”

Shetland Hames showed him a letter, addressed to Flutterbreeze.

“Because of the high degree of difficulty for this mission... blah blah blah... we are sending in a second operative to help ensure the mission’s success.” He scratched his chin. “Interesting. Must be a slow day.”

“Must be...”

“Hmpf. Anyways, He wont be here for a few days. That should give us a good head start on this little mystery of ours. I suppose we’ll start digging at this criminal’s arsenal of terror?”

“Yes. I haven’t been able to get in yet but...” his eyes lit up. “I think I have the perfect job for you. If you don’t mind getting a little dirty, that is.”

“Of course not. Hey, wait a second! You’ve been in my mail again!”

Pompadour flew slowly over villages, fields, roads, and woods, ever looking downwards for a glimpse of the blue pegasus he had met the other day. He had long since lost sight of him, but he knew the direction he was headed, and he was more determined than ever. Besides, he had quite a lot of time on his hooves. All the time, in fact.

He never was a particularly strong flier. He was built like a draft horse with little wings stuck on. Not very fast, and without a lot of endurance, he relied on the fact that he had nothing better to do now but hunt for mailpony that now eluded him.

“Ugh, my aching wings. Perhaps it’s time for some breakfast.” Pompadour landed in a marketplace filled with stalls. ‘Now let’s see. What looks good today?’ Suddenly, a blue shape passed through the square. ‘Sorry stomach, you’ll have to wait!’ He started to follow Flutterbreeze, and the unknown stallion he was with.

Flutterbreeze followed Shetland Hames out of the city and they started to make their way through the woods. The detective leaned in to speak, “Don’t look now, but a most disreputable character has been following us for a while. Let’s hide in that bush and wait for him to pass us, then make a loop around and approach the factory from another angle.”
The pegasus nodded in agreement.

‘Haven’t seen them in a while.’ Pompadour thought. ‘Oh well, it’s not like there’s too much going on in the forest. I’m sure I’ll find them eventually if I just keep heading in this... whoa, didn’t see that coming.’

“Well, there it is, Foalgate toothpaste factory.” Hames and Flutterbreeze were sitting in the brush just outside the clearing that held the ominous dark building.

“Toothpaste?”

“That’s how they get away with a a giant factory out here in the woods. They make children’s toothpaste here along with weapons. Alright now, your first job is to get the guards away from this side of the building. Then-”

“What guards?”

“What do you mean, what guards? They have the whole building surrounded with- Oh, I see. Well in that case, just buck the door open, distract the security on the inside and let me do my thing. Meet me back here in an hour.”

“Do you hear something?”

“Sounds like small explosions of some kind. How odd. Anyways, let’s get moving.”

Pompadour ran as fast as he could, dodging trees and jumping rocks. Every few seconds a whizzing sound would go past him and a nearby tree would splinter a bit.

‘What in Equestria is going on here?’

Shouting continued behind him, and dogs started barking.

‘I don’t know what I did, but they sure don’t like it!’

“This door is solid metal, at least two inches thick. I’m not bucking it open.”

“Use that little flamey, sparkey gadget you have.”

“You mean the welding torch? I’m not trying to seal it. Here, just let me pick the lock.”

“Hurry, I think they’re coming back.”

“Just a moment... there!”

The door swung open, showing the backside of assembly lines of toothpaste bottles and dental floss. “Alright now, you cause a commotion, and I’ll have a look downstairs.”

“Peachy.”

“Minty, actually.”

“Whatever, just go on!” Flutterbreeze looked around at all the machinery. The processes appeared to be mostly automatic. He smiled and said to himself, “Alright, let’s have some fun shall we?”

He started pouring out vats of toothpaste ingredients onto the floor, bashing open crates, and creating a general mess of things. Eventually a couple of guards arrived, holding unusual looking weapons. Flutterbreeze dispatched them in a couple of hits, pulled a roll of duct tape out of his bag, and tied them up.

‘Just two? I must not be trying hard enough.’ He spotted the control room up a flight of stairs. ‘Jackpot.’ He flew up and kicked the door in. The ponies manning the controls ran off in fright.

Flutterbreeze used chairs to block off the doors, then proceeded to the controls. He mercilessly mashed buttons, pulled levers all the way to the breaking point, twisted knobs to their maximum. ‘I have no idea what I’m doing, but I love it!’

He spotted the intercom on the wall and pushed the big red button on it. A voice came yelling, “What is going on in there!?!”

“Hello? Yes, I’d like to order a pizza, large pineapple with extra olives.” The door pounded. “Thank you!” He bashed in the intercom, sending sparks everywhere. “I love my job sometimes!”

The door burst open, and the guards flooded in one at a time. Their weapons seemed to do them very little good as Flutterbreeze continued to bring them down one after the other. Some sent through the window, others face first into the wall. Eventually, though, the room filled up. They were coming faster than he could deal with them.

He started flying out the door into the open air of the factory, while at the same time pulling a cylinder with a string attached from his mailbag. He pulled out the string in a quick jerk and tossed the tube into the control room filled with guards. A second later, the small space was covered in a sticky adhesive that smelled awful.

The factory space was beginning to fill up with guards from the lower levels of the factory. ‘I sure hope Hames appreciates what I’m doing.’

Flutterbreeze flew towards the guards by the stairs, impervious as they pointed their weapons towards him. Suddenly the pressure of a boiling container of toothpaste gave way and exploded near the guards, coating them in a very hot and painful mess.

Flutterbreeze continued to brawl with the guards as they came up the stairs. One of them suddenly blocked his blows, deflecting all of his repeated attacks. “You idiot, it’s me!” He recognised the face of Shetland Hames in a guard’s uniform.

“No time to explain, just get us out of here!”

“Alright, hang on!” Flutterbreeze grabbed Hames and took off.

“Don’t fly, you’re too easy a target!”

“What?” A series of small explosions behind the pegasus, followed by a number of shattering windows in front, alarmed him. He swooped down low to avoid... whatever it was they were doing, flying quickly towards the door.

“Have you perhaps noticed that the door is shut!?”

Flying quickly towards a broken window, Flutterbreeze ignored the many “Duck!”s and “Left! Left! No you’re other left!”s of Shetland Hames. They slipped between the shattered glass and headed for the trees beyond the factory now in sheer chaos. As they hid in the canopy, Hames pointed back and said, “Wait for it, three more seconds...” A huge explosion ignited inside the factory, which was bursting into flames as its occupants fled the scene.

A shocked Flutterbreeze turned to him. “What did you do?”

A smug smile spread across the detective’s face. “I just blew up the factory.”

“Well, yes, but how?” He looked down at the weapon Hames had aquired. “And what are these things?”

“Well, if you haven’t figured it out yet I guess I’ll have to explain everything over tea when we get back.”

Comments

[Flutterbreeze]

Finally got this chapter up. I've been a bit distracted by Christmas and things lately.