• Member Since 10th Aug, 2012
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Trying to see if my work is worth continuing. Be as brutal as you want.

Comments ( 90 )

good story, but WALL OF TEXT!

This chapter partially reminds me of 'Dreams of Many'.

I like that story, it inspired me to write this one.

>violently stabs manticore
>thinks rain is karmic
...seems legit

this story is great though.

"man that was therapeutic" lol, yeah I bet. Continue.

First, check your PMs.

These are my first impressions on the first chapter:
First thing’s first: How the fuck do you fit a scarf in a belt bag with all of that other stuff? Some of that stuff, okay, sure. But a scarf? I can’t imagine that possibly fitting in there. If you want to give your character a scarf, the easiest way I could think to do it is to have Rarity give him one since she was the Element of Generosity. She wouldn’t disagree with Celestia, but at the same time I think she would be willing to take mercy on someone that she thought was okay when she first met. To that end, she would probably be willing to make him at least that little thing.

Second, I assume that he arrived in Equestria while he was asleep, likely in bed. Why would he have all of this stuff on him anyway? I know I made a decent excuse for it in my story, but you might want to find a way to explain it.

“making me apathetic to most things and eventually not caring about others”
“As far as the rest of the world goes, it can burn in hell”
And he wondered why Celestia threw him out.

When he fought the timber wolves he would have died. You don’t ‘practice sword fighting as a kid’ and learn to use a sword. Sure, you know how to swing it, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing. Against anything more than one or two wild animals that don’t fight with skill or coordination, he would lose since he hasn’t been using a sword to fight every day to survive, like a predator fights every day to eat.

As soon as his back was turned to deal with one wolf, the others would have been all over him. When his sword was stuck in the body of one, the others would have pounced on him. That’s how wolves work; they don’t wait until you’re finished dealing with one before attacking, they attack as a pack.

If you want to have him encounter a timber wolf, I suggest a lone wolf, an outcast from a pack. One timber wolf would still probably be too much for anyone untrained to handle, but you can have him kill it with raw luck. Since he’s an MMA guy, he could probably kick it in the face and disorient it enough to stab it. He could still be injured that way.

I don’t think a timber wolf would be bigger than any wolf you’ve seen. They were smaller than full sized ponies, and the ponies were about the size of dogs.

How would he know normal wolf behavior if he had never seen them in the wild?

“The alpha didn’t wait” So what was its staring contest?

Alright, if the guy had been bit in the arm by a wolf, the arm would have been shaken around, broken, and torn out of its socket. The ankle also would have been broken. Dogs have powerful fucking jaws, and most of them don’t even fight for a living. A wolf made of wood that has to kill prey for a living would be strong enough to break bone and to possibly just bite body parts off entirely.

I imagine Zecora would be more likely to use leaves or something as bandages than valuable cloth that she would have to purchase or make herself.

When did he learn to make a bow and arrow? Do you realize how hard fletching is? The arrow has to be perfectly straight, you have to make sure not to unbalance each arrow when you put in the tip, and you have to make sure the feathers are perfectly aligned. I can’t imagine that he would be able to do all of that just using the tools he had when he got there. And making a good bow is even harder. It has to be able to bend but not break, it has to be accurate, you have to string it well, and so many other things that I don’t even know about.

Shooting a bow while running is almost impossible. You can’t learn to do it in two days, even if you are practicing constantly. To make the amount of arrows one would need to do that would take tremendous amounts of resources and time, especially since the arrows could break each shot, the feathers could fall out, the stone could chip or get damaged, or any number of things.

I don’t think it’s possible to tan a hide without salt or chemicals. If it is possible, it wouldn’t be easy without a very sharp knife or a lot of practice. Unless the sword he was given was enchanted, it would be very dull by now; you don’t constantly use a “very sharp” sword without its blade quickly becoming dull and damaged. The same for the knives.

“Their culture is similar to humans, except on gender lines and some other things. The equine and herbivore biology naturally made them into a peaceful sentient society.”
What. “Similar to humans” =/= “peaceful sentient society”

“In some way that makes sense; what would be the point if magic takes care of everyone’s needs?”
If I were your Anon, klaxons would be going off in my skull right then and there. Namely, “I can sell my knowledge of technology to the griffins/changelings/minotaurs/anyone without much magic in exchanged for succor.” This would be a perfect way for him to get the hell out of an evil forest and to get revenge on Celestia by legally leaving her country behind in technology.

“Her country’s government was like that of Equestria: a monarchy over large land with democracy for representatives of towns and cities.”
That is not a tribal culture. That is a monarchy with democracy for representatives of towns and cities.

“I convinced her to not talk about me with any of her other friends, namely the pony kind.”
Uh… That’s kinda stupid, bro. She could be the perfect ticket to get the ponies to listen to you and to appeal to Celestia to give you another chance. She couldn’t get into any trouble because she isn’t an Equestrian citizen and doesn’t live in Equestria. If Celestia did anything to her, there would be massive reprisals from Zebricka once they heard about it.

“I, however, was too different to just be overlooked.”
Wear a cloak, gloves, and a cowl. Instant Diamond Dog, if you were good enough at acting.

“However, I told her not to bother because it would be too suspicious for her to ask for something like that out of nowhere.”
Like hell it would. Zecora is fucking Zecora, man. She does what she wants. Honestly, considering she’s from Zebricka or whatever and had to travel to the Everfree herself, I’m surprise she didn’t have a map offhand.

“Within two days of my decision to leave, I was ready to start my travels.”
Unrealistic. He would have to prepare more arrows, for one. For two, finding as much food as he took—and drying it—would have taken much longer than two days. I’d say at least a week would be good.
“She made this for me during the time I was preparing for the trip.”
That makes it even more unrealistic.

“Yes I lock pick too, the Anarchist Cookbook paid off.”
No. Just no. A survivalist? Okay. MMA? Sure, that fits with the survivalist theme. Sword fighting? Okay, now we’re getting absurd. Knowing how to make a bow and arrow and then being able to use them within two days? Big fucking problem. Knowing how to pick locks? Gary Stu.

“Thank God I had my sunglasses.”
I don’t think that was mentioned anywhere else. They just appeared out of nowhere.

In the future, I seriously suggest proofreading your story or having someone else do it. The verb tenses were all over the place. It started in past tense and went to present and future willy nilly. There were several other mistakes, with wrong words or misspelled words or something else. Hell, you misspelled the name of the chapter.

Also, when you post the chapter onto FIM, there's a button at the top that automatically indents every paragraph for you. It's easy to push that and save yourself a lot of time.

And you really need to work on your paragraphs. Several of them were absolute monsters and needed to be split up.

This is a very interesting story premise, but it has a lot of big issues that need to be worked on and addressed. I hope this was helpful for you.

Thank you for looking over my work. Some of the things you have pointed out i have overlooked. I will try to answer some of the questions.
The laptop I am writing on is rather old and the Microsoft Word settings are changed so that I cannot reset them. I work with I have, but i will try to do some changes before posts.

The scarf in the belt bag can be explained with it being decent sized bag. A thin scarf folded properly can be easily stuffed in a small pocket.

Rarity couldn't give him anything because of the limited time they had. They were interacting in total of three hours, first the meeting with the usual uncertainty and caution. Then the conversations on who they are, the character explaining who he is and where he is from. They didn't really get chance to understand him enough for any kind of real meaningful conversations or gifts. Would Rarity really even think to give any gift to some strange, never before seen, sentient, bipedal, fully clothed creature who claims to come from a different world in the first few hours of meeting it?
And his appearance has a major role in the story. They see him in their own reality or their normal perception of it that we see as a cartoon. While he sees himself like he normally would.

He cant remember what was the last thing he did. He assumes he was outside in daytime if he has full clothes and all his items. I should have bin more specific on his sudden appearance.

His views, inner statements on resentment is due to him trying to cope with him being ripped from his life and dealing with the changes before the full psychological effect hits him. He associated his loss with anger in order to move on. The views he has is rather normal for some people with many issues. Granted that some may seem harsh and sociopathic, but he has reasons for him being the way he is. Those reasons will be seen in future chapters. Celestia only made statements about him, yet she did not give her reasons behind it. That is also for later chapters.

I dont really have much of an excuse for the wolfs scene. I tried to show how different and strange the animals are. Now I see that I didn't really think it through. The timber wolfs were made out to be slightly bigger than ponies and wolfs behavior was more speculation on what he read of them. The alpha sentence was literary mistake. I meant that after he looked like he was going to get ready to fight, the alpha didn't give him a chance to actually prepare himself. The damage of the bight i was trying to pass off as the nature of the wolfs. They are made of wood or twigs and leaves to be more specific. Sharp wooden teeth do have damage, but they are weaker than bone, stone or steel. I think I wrote that the bite was above the ankle, or at least I wanted to. Weak arguments, I know.

I honestly did not think about Zecora using leaves instead of bandages. I assumed that when some life is in danger most would try to help with anything they have. But she does live in the woods, and it would make sense for her to have some kind of first aid kit or something.

The Bow and arrows. I used my own personal experience on that to write about it. Besides, some of the survivalist books have a lot on making weapons like bows and arrows. I should have specified that, and maybe the bow was kind of an over kill. In my defense i never said that it was perfect and that he was some good shot. Anyone can fire a bow, but it takes time and skill to at least go to where you generally want it to. And he was not that much of good shot, most fish that swim undisturbed in pond go slowly enough to align a shot at close range. The other is more of him not moving and trying to snipe the cockatrice from some distance. A multi tool is actually vary useful and capable of making such things. I has a knife, pliers, a saw, a file and a bunch of other things. The fishing line is strong to use but not good for long term or to be used like than in general. The arrows can be made with sharpened wood tips or peaces of stone made into arrow heads. The balance was more details that i didn't really think of writing down. My bad. Running while shooting is not all that impossible, but yes that was too much. Maybe just enough to shoot at the direction where you want and not the target?

Tanning hides in general have a lot methods to go by. One is to use the natural salts found in soil to rub it in to the hide. Another is to use plant leaves extract in large quantities. His pocket knife is thumb flip and rather sharp. The sword would be impractical to use for it because it would be dulled and then not vary useful. Knifes, my favorite subject. Any and I really do mean any good survivalist book will tell you how to sharpen knifes using what you have in the wilderness. I also wanted to mention in other chapters that he is a knife enthusiast.

The similarities in culture was not vary specific because I wanted to make it apparent in later on. In general I meant that the society behavior was similar with interactions like how they normally communicate and how we do. I Should have put more focus on that.

Technology is so advanced that almost no one person could build something from modern day appliances or anything. I know how cellphone works, how engines work and other things but I cant build. the same for the character, he cant offer anything that would be useful. Ideas are not vary profitable if you cant make them practical in real life. Besides, magic is abundant in the whole world with unicorns. And I never said that they are all confined in Equestria. Some are all around the world. Which means that magic provides for those who cant use magic. Besides, do you really want guns to be involved? I have nothing against it, but Personally i would just make one for myself to have some kind of advantage in the world. And he only knows the basic mechanics behind the gun, not the actual details of how to construct one properly enough.

The tribal aspect was more along the lines of family, respect of position, earning ones place in the society. And democracy was a native version where only elder candidates were voted to be placed in certain positions. some positions would be born into. I wanted to get into more details on it when he actually goes there.

Yes you are right that she would be a good person to try in convince others to listen to him. The reason I wrote that she wouldn't was because i wanted to write about the first interaction in later chapters. Imagine that the ponies minds had a switch flipped when Celestia told them not to trust him. The good natured ponies instantly turned mistrusting and ready to attack at any moment. I mean Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity just went completely opposite of their usual behavior. Even Applejack who supposedly knows when someone lies just sided with Celestias words without question. Can you imagine how they will react if they hear about him talking to their friend? Illogical hostility instantly at the princesses words. How mad did the princes had to look to make the ponies believe her above everything else?

What diamond dog wears pants, shoes and covers himself completely? His body is not the same proportions as the dogs and just by looking at him any one with eyes could see that that is not a diamond dog. No fur and a full head of long hair does not make much of a dog. Besides, they hands are way longer than a humans and they have muzzles. The physical characteristics aside, his speech is rather articulate and diamond dogs are not vary seen much in cities.

Maps, the idea was to make his travels harder. And Zecora only goes to Ponyville for ingredients, her actions outside would have bin noticed by someone. Highly unlikely but the character was not going to take any risks. Or so i thought it would be good.

Leaving preparations in total don't take too long if you have everything more or less ready. He doesn't have much in terms of personal items and he was thinking about it for some time so he could have just been readying himself on the side. He only made five arrows because of how he uses them. Its not his main focus of tools or weapon. Its more comparable as a tool like a spoon or a can opener. You are right about the food preparations, about a week sound good.
The bottle was more of long term issue i wanted to point out for latter. The idea is basically the unrealistic properties of this world seeing how it was a cartoon. He was going to question everything in regards to how it should not be possible and yet is. The bottle was going to be a gift for some time, it just ended up to look like it was made before he left.

The lock pick was more of a showing off that a skill to be used. Lock picking is not hard learn if you have the time and patience. It is an unnecessary skill for the guy, be he doesn't really get to use it that much. The Anarchist cookbook has a lot about survival which is why he even read it. Also that was my personal touch for the character as it fits some of his personality. But you are right, totally Gary Stu.
I only recently learned what that meant. But I was planning to write and show how he can't be a Stu. He is limited and after every challenge that he survives he looses something that makes him stronger in some ways but also weaker in others. There is a reason the tragedy tag is in the story.

Sunglasses, I seem to have forgot to write that in the beginning. Ups.

I will definitely re read my work before posting it. I don't really have anyone to proofread and i don't feel comfortable of asking anyone to do it either. I know how free time is rare these days.
Thank you again for your time. I will definitely work to improve my writing.

I realize my first post had issues in how it was written. hopefully this is an improvement for you. There might be future revisions and smaller chapters. I will try to make the new chapters more frequent.

:yay:Celly is a real bitch isnt she:pinkiecrazy:?

anyways its a nice story :D a refreshing change from most of the other HiE fics out there:derpytongue2:

I tried to write smaller chapters, it did not work out very well. I decided to split the fourth chapter into three parts, each one will be posted after review and any rewrites that need to be done.

I do so love this story. It's quite different from all the other hie. And sense you now are leaving the known places I have literally no idea what's gonna happen... and that's good. Now post my dear author I must have MORE. =D

I will try my best to make the next update soon.

I am trying, I really am. I had three chapters written and then shit happened, so now I have to rewrite them. Next update should be this week.

The ending feels rushed because shit happened again and I ended up rewriting half of it, again. Sorry.

It's fine. And I also like how much detail is given during one day of his life.

2245877 Thank you. I do try hard.

I got another story or two to read before I make it to this one, but it seems like a nice description and the ratings look good too so I am looking forward to getting started on this fic of yours :pinkiehappy:

Although I am rather grateful for your kind words, I should warn you. Do not get your expectations too high. Just like in life, you might be disappointed.

3160513 Never the less, your story is only in the 50k area, so even if I end up not liking it it wouldn't be that bad.

But even if you think I might be disappointed with it, it has a high like to dislike ratio so I'll probably enjoy it when I get around to it in this weekend, or perhaps tomorrow.

Oh shit, it's back! It's nice to know that you're planning to continue the story. :pinkiehappy:

I'm kind of excited as to where our MC will end up after the trip here. After all the bullshit he went through in Equestria, I think he need some time to relax himself.

It is going to be a long time before he gets himself any kind of relaxation. No rest for the wicked and all that.

First few chapters weren't as good as I expected, but this one was very enjoyable :pinkiesmile:

Not a bad read. :pinkiesmile:
I see only minor grammatical errors and they are far apart. If I may suggest/request something, it would be more dialog in the future chapters :pinkiehappy:

Will like, fav and look forward to future chapters :twilightsmile:

Thank you, there will be more dialog in the future.

Is he going to cross paths with Celestia or the Mare Six again at some point (after gaining some more levels in badassery)?

Possibly, there will be some familiar faces at some point in the future.

Well, just favorited the story again because I thought it was dead a while back, and I still think this story is not as popular as it should be. Anyway, there were some small misused words, but nothing really majorly wrong with it. Anyway, like the complete one eighty turn from the normal HiE cliche and I really hope to see more.

3183909 Thank you, I try to keep this story alive. If you see mistakes anywhere tell me where and I will correct them. Or at least try to when I have the time. I am going to write more frequently now so I will try to release new chapters periodically.

And another thing. Why everyone seems to be so scared of him (besides having spent a few week in the Everfree)? I mean, in a world where griphons and dragons are real, I don´t understand what makes a human so disturbing.

3193931Imagine a creature that you have never seen before, something that you can not even compare it to anything known. He is an unknown to the inhabitant of the world, the gryphons and dragons are both common and at the vary least heard of. They do not know that to the human they are mythical so they can't know that dragons and other creatures are not something that is normal or common. Different world, different views and different rules. He is taller than a gryphon, wears all black, not vary social except when he has to be, bloodshot eyes and there is the stereotype about how if you are tall and dark in color you might not be good guy. Think children's cartoon logic, the guy in black is the bad guy to them. He either looks neutral or angry and they do not even know about the weapons and regular angry thoughts. They may not be completely scared of him, however they are cautious of him. They do not know what he is capable of.



Only unicorns can use magic? Since it´s a magical world, populated by magical creatures, I assumed all races could have have developed different ways to harness it, like alchemy or runes.
Imagine the protagonist upgrading his sword into a runeblade :moustache:


interesting work:twilightsmile:
a question the protagonist learn to use magic or some way to defend themselves. and will return to meet xenolestia:trollestia:

As far as defending himself, the guy is capable and will pick up some things along the way. Magic is going to have a special role in the story. Xenolestia, I like that and there may be a meeting. Or maybe not. Do not want to spoil anything. Yet.


this story has great potential. but beware of cliches
unicorns and alicornios, are the only active magic users in the world.

all dragons are savages without culture

when the protagonist is a reunion easily forgiving

ponies do not question xenolestia, in canon rainbow dash cares much justice. was the only one who defended the buffalo by the usurpation of their lands

humans existed in that world and were very violent, and were extinguished by xenolestia

would be interesting that the protagonist would become a hero. outside nations in Equestria

the name "dovahkiin" would be a great irony. I learned magic of a dragon

pd sorry for my terrible writing, even the English is difficult for me

I am actually going to make fun of all the cliches that I can think of. The main character is going to notice them and then criticize them. Your writing is fine, do not worry about it.


The human becomes the ruler of a small territory. In a diplomatic meeting between the sovereigns of each portion of the land (including Equestria), he and his forces attend while wearing Mordor style armor and with the Imperial March (or something close) playing in the background. The protagonist plays the Hammy Evil Overlord (something between Profion and Mr.Bison in the movies) in front of Celestia, while holding his laughter to the ponies´ reaction.
And Sunbutt is not happy at all.

Well…that certainly is an interesting way the story could go. Not exactly what I had in mind.
It is a rather funny scene though.


3484000or accident could save the empire of crystal. could be a few minutes after his reaparicion, and as I know the details.retrieve the heart of crystal and eliminate shadow, when shining and candace arrive, they attack by comments from celestia and Twi, but this bothers crystal ponies for 2 reasons.

1) safe from the shadow
2) crystal heart destroys all evil
this would leave to candace / shining as bad, and expelled from the empire, also would spoil celestia plans for Twi, and the protagonist could you comment on democracy:pinkiecrazy:

Yes that could happen, although extremely unlikely. The main character does not care for the ponies much if not completely hates them. He left Equestria to see the world, so if he were to ever return it would probably be after he was done exploring. That and he does not know where the crystal empire is, he does not know about Sombra or the crystal heart so he would be going in completely blind. It only appeared after a thousand years of being gone hell knows where so it is not like he could ask for directions. Even if he were to help the empire, who do you think the ponies would trust more? The ponies from the nearby kingdom that they know from a thousand years ago or the strange alien creature that looks like he is ready to kill everything if they piss him off? And democracy would be a rather interesting change, except that it would tie him down to the empire. They would need help starting it and making sure not to make any major mistakes. And Celestia would not allow that to happen because it would still be on her land and she hates the guy. She would probably just send of her army to capture the kingdom and him by claiming that is saving the ponies from the monster's deceit and lies or whatever.

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