This dangerous endeavour begins one mysterious night when a cloaked being pays Trixie a visit. When she comes face to face with this filly, named Stardust, Trixie’s life is turned upside down.
She was the chosen one for this endeavor to destroy the evil darkness, known as Dark Matter. The only thing that can defeat it is the light of the Six Diamonds, these crystals came from Stardust’s world but were scattered across Equestria meaning that our friends must venture across Equestria to discover these mysterious jewels and save all from their fated doom.
Chapters (30)
You know strictly going by the title and premise I'm very surprised this isn't a Raritycentric story.
11012257
Oh... umm...
Thanks for reading and commenting, I hoped you enjoyed it anyway
No the chocolates!
I feel ya trixie, I feel ya
I’ll say this: I’m interested. I will try to fit reading this into my next few days, but I can’t promise anything. Sorry!
11027359
Uh... okay, thanks
Ok, I read all the chapters including pink diamond, and I will say they are very good and well written.
11126505
Uh, thanks
It should be
Btw, I think this is great so far.
1. Did you mean crumbs?
2. You might have missed a word?
1. Why's there a " at the end of the sentence?
2. You misspelled awesome.
3. Why did you put 'Stardust replied' there? It should be 'the filly said' or 'said Stardust'.
11140988
Alright, and thanks
11140992
Properly did
And I don’t see a missing word, I just see that “everypony” had split
11140993
Before I posted this on here it was all scrunched up (Basically I didn’t have a new line every time a character spoke) so when I made an account I separated all and fixed it up so I must have left that “ there by accident
Darn it! Now I think about it I think I meant to fix that up but forgot (Or maybe RD mispronounced it, kidding!)
No clue
Thanks for pointing out the errors!
This is great so far and I can't wait for the next chapter!
I feel sorry for Trixie. Loophole sounds like one of those friends who open their mouth and tell everyone the worst and most embarrassing moments in your life.
Loophole, you are one rude mare.
11176990
Yeah, very
My Little review & Feedback I did your review.
I'm enjoying this so far! It's cute and engaging.
Some tips before I forget:
You're quite a bit heavy on your comma usage where often it would read smoother as separated sentences. I have this problem too, I love commas. One thing I do to remedy this is try reading everything out loud. If you ever find yourself running out of breath or sounding unnatural before you reach the end of a sentence, that's a pretty good indicator that you should split it into separate sentences.
There are the occasional typos. They're not super distracting for the most part, but unfortunately it is the kind of thing that will often scare readers away because it doesn't seem professional. It's tedious, but rereading and triple checking always helps. Reading out loud actually helps in spotting typos too.
Liking the story!
11232933
Okay! And thanks for reading
I wonder why Trixie didn't teleport herself to the mountain's peak....
And I also wonder what Sunrise is going to say...
I thought Sunburst was critically injured and was in hospital like Starlight?
11323175
Oh- whoops-
Since you asked for some constructive criticism, I've summarised some of my gripes with it when reading the first two chapters.
I'll start with the story aspects, and I'll get more technical.
For one, Stardust keeps dropping hints at her backstory, but no one at all is picking up on them. That strikes me as odd. For instance, when she said she couldn't fly in her old home, I would have expected someone to comment on that, and not just move on and pretend like she hadn't said it. I would have expected the characters to question things like why she couldn't fly—was it due to a lack of wings, or did she have wings but they weren't functional?
Additionally, a lot of the details of meeting half of Ponyville is just swept under the rug or brushed over. There's a new filly in town that no one knows, and somehow everyone just goes "oh, okay". I get that it's in part due to Starlight talking to the others off-screen, but it still feels jarring. Stardust, too, gets used to this new environment way too quickly. One scene she shouts, "No! I don't trust them!' and the next there's not a hint of that distrust left.
I get that you didn't want to bog down the story with a chapter full of fluff about the MC meeting everyone in Ponyville, only for her to leave town the next day, but then why put in those scenes in the first place? You could have just skipped ahead to Trixie and Stardust leaving Ponyville, then have a short summary of what happened during the time between her arrival and departure.
On a similar note, I like the idea of the song scene, but I don't think it works out all that well. In the show, montages like that work because it's a visual medium. In written fiction, you have to use other tricks. If you want to emulate what the show does, you could use horizontal rules to split the mini-scenes from each other. If you're feeling daring, you could try to make it flow in a single scene spanning multiple hours, and leaning into the spacetime-bending power of pony songs. That, however, is a pretty daunting task and would be difficult to execute properly.
I could also ask why Stardust wants a cutie mark this badly, given that this is her first exposure to pony culture, but I feel like that might be nitpicking.
Okay, onto the prose and grammar. They're quite rough. Sentence structure is, more often than not, messy, chaotic, and hard to follow. Specifically, it doesn't strike me as intentionally hard to follow. Chapter 2 was a bit better in that regard, but both chapters are quite rough in that regard.
Then, there's the misuse of commas. There are a few instances where there shouldn't be a comma, but you still put one. There are other sentences that should be separated by a full stop but are connected with a comma (which plays into the confusing sentence structure).
For example:
Here it should either be something like "[...], who appeared to be fixing [...]", or "[...]. It seemed like she was fixing [...]".
On another note, word choice is sometimes odd. In that same example sentence, "fixing something up by sewing" doesn't flow very well. There are other ways to say the same thing without being jarring. For instance, "It seemed like she was patching up a piece of cloth." or "mending a piece of cloth".
This might seem like a nitpick, but for many readers, prose like that just pulls you out of the story for a brief moment, and those add up. There are other things I've noticed, but posting all of them here would be quite overwhelming.
My gut tells me there's something interesting in this story, but so far you haven't really managed to pull my attention in. This might be due to me finding adventure fics very hit or miss, though. So far, it strikes me as a standard "collect the X McGuffins to save the world" kind of plot. I might try to read a few more chapters, but I can't guarantee anything.
Finally, I hope none of this comes across as rude or mean-spirited. I'm really just trying to get you some constructive criticism, as requested. Say, how much time do you usually spend on editing a chapter after you've written it? Compared to how much time you spend writing.
Is this a crossover?
11753500
No.
There’s a few references to other media like Stardust mentioning/referencing a video game a few chapters ago. The world Stardust is from isn’t MLP related. But she’s been transformed into pony in this world and anything from the world does not appear in this story. (Besides the start. The cloaked figure was originally from her world. But I changed the being into something else. This was originally a sequel to a crossover. But it’s more of a reboot now and this story is not related to anything else besides MLP)
From the descriptions:
that can defeat it is
were
Also, for the underlined section you might try moving the period between Equestria and meaning, and possibly changing it to a comma as well.
Again, I would suggest changing the period to a comma. Or possibly a semicolon, I'm not good with them.
...Umm... How to put this? Would you like a proofreader? I have experience, and I can work on Fimfiction or Google Docs.
Interesting start, and I like your chapter length.