Flanking Maneuvers

by Mandroid

Checkup.

You and Celestia walked through the Canterlot streets.

"I still don't know how you swing this." you say.

"I'm the ruler of a nation, I can get a private sonogram if I need it." she mutters.

"But you can't get it done at the castle?"

Celestia turns her head to you. "Yes dear, let's let all the servants know that their monarch might be pregnant."

"Just blame it on Luna. She's gonna either slip up or let that little British fag ride bareback sooner or later, we can sell it that she did it now."

Celestia groans. "Please do not remind me of my sister's imminent statutory rape trial..."

"Oh like you haven't gotten away with worse."

The two of you walk into the hospital and head to the front desk.

The nurse working it looked up in shock. "O-oh! You're highness! Welcome...uh, I saw the note but I thought it was a prank!"

"Me too, she's committed this one."

A sharp pain makes its way through your foot as Celestia shuts you up with hers.

The nurse exits the desk and heads to a back room. "I'll go alert the doctors and set up your room."

You look around the lobby as you wait.

"So...here we are."

"No getting us ejected."

"No promises."
-Theme song-

Holy hell, this was boring.

Celestia was laying back on a bed as a doctor examined her with the scope.

"Boop."

"Mous, stop making that sound."

"No."

The doctor continued to silently rub the scope over Celestia's stomach.

You start to move your hand over the other side. "If I rub your stomach three times, does a genie pop out and grant wishes?"

"No, but your wife pops you to the moon. Again." Celly says.

"One of these days, straight to the moon?"

"Straight to the moon."

"You'd miss me."

"I'd finally have peace."

"And you'd have a moon covered in dicks."

"Would you two like some privacy?" The doctor asks.

"She likes it. See, you went and made the Doc upset." you say.

"I'm not the one threatening to deface the moon."

"It'd be an improvement."

The machine the doctor is using beeps. "Hmm. It seems we're having problems getting a clear image..."

"Celly, have you been swallowing lead again?" you ask as you examine the screen.

"Not since I stopped putting it in your food, dear."

The doctor raises from his seat. "I'm going to go get a consultation on this, I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Great. Your weird god-horse body is blocking my view of my child."

"I don't know why you're blaming me, this is clearly your fault."

"Screw you."

"You did, look where it landed me."

You were Celestia and this doctor was taking far too long. It had been fifteen minute since he left, and you had spent all of it laying rather unceremoniously on this horrible hospital bed.

You tried to calm yourself down for the umpteenth time since this started.

You REALLY were not ready to have a child.

Fear of birthing and raising it aside, it was blatantly obvious that you and Mous were not in any way suitable parents.

Speaking of your husband, where in the name of Tartarus was he? He had walked out some time ago, stating boredom.

If you had argued, he would have simply left on principal, that's the kind of jackass he was.

It was sort of funny.

The sound of stomping boots down the hall told you who it was before he entered the room.

"Celly, look!" he shouts from down the hall.

Mous bursts into the room, holding a crude approximation of a pony with some colorful blocks.

More interestingly, he had a filly on his head.

"They have Legos here!" he says.

He stares at your un-amused face for a while. "What?"

"Who's is that?" you ask.

His eyes drift up to his head piece. "Hi." she says.

"I've been hanging in Pediatrics." Mous says.

"So you decided to kidnap a filly?"

"I'm preparing for fatherhood."

"I ask again."

"She likes it up there, right poozer?"

The filly looks around nervously on the top of Mous's head. "I-It's too high up here..."

Mous grumbles and removes the filly before walking out the door. "Traitor."

The doctor had finally come back with another sonogram device. He had performed more or less the same test he did before and even had to go for another consultation, just like before.

At least he let you get up and walk around this time...

Your royal mind drove you to handle the biggest problem first: Getting your husband away from newborns.

You trotted through the hospital searching until you heard a very familiar sequence of strings plucked. Off in a corner, surrounded by foals, Mous sat on a bench; a guitar resting in his lap.

"And that, kids, is the song that was playing when the Princess and I first met."

Several "Ooohs" and "Aaahs" went through the crowed as you approached.

"Check it out, Celly! They had one stashed in a closet somewhere." he says as he holds up the instrument.

"You play?"

"Not a lot, but I know some ditties." He looks down to the foals with a wide smile. "Who wants to hear one?"

The children on the floor all shout their approval as Mous readies his instrument and offers a wink to you.

-Music-

The children watch with glee as Mous picks along the simple rhythm.

"My lady will give birth one day."

Oh great...

"I'll run to her room right away."

"She'll smile with glee, and hand her to me."

"I'll look at my newborn and say..."

The room fills with music as Mous plays the guitar harder.

"DAMN THAT'S A UGLY BABY!"

"DAMN THAT'S A ULGY ASS BA-*GAK*"

Mous struggles in your magical grip as you pull the guitar away from him and lift him into the air.

"I'm sorry children, but I need my husband right now. We'll come visit again."

"I'll be here all week!" he calls back.

You flailed around in your wife's grip as she floated you back to her room.

"This is demeaning!"

"You've done worse to yourself."

"This is spousal abuse!"

"No Jury in Equestria will convict me."

Celestia drops you on the floor of the room.

"I'm telling Luna!"

Celestia simply rolls her eyes at that.

"What's the deal? We were having fun."

Celestia shoots you an annoyed glance. "Ignoring the fact that you've been as far away from this sonogram as possible, you know I can't let you corrupt my nations children. Especially the infirm."

"Yeah, that's your job."

The two of you probably could have argued into the night, but the doctor chose that moment to return.

"Your Highness, I have done two tests and run the results by every doctor on the floor." He looks the two of you in the eye flatly. "You are not pregnant, at all."

Celestia and you share a confused glance. "But...I'm still having morning sickness!"

"Damn right she is! Every morning! From dawn till like, nine!"

It was royally annoying.

The doctor levitates his chart up to his face. "Well, the test says otherwise. You WERE pregnant some time ago, but there is no fetus growing inside of you at this time."

Okay, now you're confused. "What."

He looks down at his charts. "Yes. It seems that due to the Princesses' natural connection to the sun, her body absorbs a startling amount of solar radiation. That's why we were having so much trouble getting through in the older sonogram."

"Once we got a clearer image, and with a few more opinions, we have determined that you are indeed not pregnant, Princess. You may never be." he continues.

Oh. Wow.

The two of you stood outside the hospital after your appointment.

"So." you say.

"I'm not pregnant."

"And you won't be."

"Never."

"Not ever never."

"It's for the best."

"Totally."

"We'd be horrible parents."

"The worst."

"Nowhere near ready."

"Yeah."

The two of you slowly started to walk down the street.

"Still..." you say.

Celestia turned her head to you.

"Was kinda looking forward to it."

Celestia giggles. "Corrupting more children?"

That got a grin from you. "Yeah, but it being mine would make it easy for once."

Celestia smiles as she continues to walk forward. "Maybe one day, dear. Maybe one day you and I can have the most vindictive child in history."

"Maybe we just did? I wouldn't put it past some combination of us to abort itself out of spite."

Celestia tries and fails to stifle a laugh. "*Snrk!* You're terrible."

"The best kind~."

Comments

[Mandroid]

1360397
Well what have we here? Welcome to his wending web of willing wackiness and wondrous wiles. Where to start? When he began, he wove a write-up of our well-liked cyan waifu warped into the way of a woman. Wowing the crowd, he worked further to wreak a whippersnapper into the mix. While he was certain she would be worshiped, a great many demanded he wean her out.

He winked them of course, what would his writing become if he were weighed down by the wishes of others? With that, he brought his words here and welcome you to whoop the name Wuten.

[Khorne]

1360476
Can I have some MOAR sauce?

[Mandroid]

1361401
Marvelous! To wit; a malicious, manic, madman in the mode of a machine. Making his meager mark in a mass of semi murderous men. This mask, no mere means of mischief, is a mark of many months of mild monotony, now molded and messed up. Moreover, this melded memoir or mares and men remains monitored by the magnificent monsters who mind-blowing moils and has moved the monumental mountain of melancholy that made movement immeasurable.

The most meaningful of myths from the mouths of mammoths has made matrix of motivation upon my mediocre musings. Moving on, it is my most merry milestone to meet you and you may call me Mandroid.

[Khorne]

1362497
THIS QUIET OFFENDS ME

[Mandroid]

1362507

[Khorne]

1362525
This would work too.

[Mandroid]

1362531

[Khorne]

1362550

Or the better accoustic version of it

[Khorne]

1362550
This is my signature song.

[Mandroid]

1362566
May lose a friend here, you filthy degenerate.

[Khorne]

1362574
I MUST FIND A COUNTER

[Khorne]

1362574
MOAR COUNTERS

[RedvsBlue327]

I just want to say, people in comments, thanks for nearly crashing my shitty device with all those videos.
It can barely handle half of a six minute one already.

Good thing I didn't see any typos, because I would not/wouldn't have been able to put them up.
==========
That's one messed up baby song... Just when you think you may have seen all the messed up stuff the internet had to provide.