• Published 21st Sep 2012
  • 16,963 Views, 1,821 Comments

The Last Brony Gets His Wish - theRedBrony



I'm a spiteful old man. I've spent my entire life trying to fulfill my wish. The same thing every one of us wants. It's 2070. I'm the last brony alive, 82 years old. But I did it. I created the portal. And I'm jumping through. No regrets.

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Onward!

Tingling…





Hmm….





My arm tingles…





Uh oh.

My eyes shoot open. Self check! Breathing: Little fast. Heart rate: Definitely still pumping. Pain: Nope.

Phew…

So why is my arm all…

What the…?

There appears to be a giant fluffy pink blob on top of my left arm. No wonder. How'd she even…? Wait. What the hell did I do last night…?


Last night…



"Pinkie, I'm pretty beat. I think I'm gonna hit the hay."

"Oki doki loki!" Pinkie bounces up from her sitting position on the floor and lands on the bed next to mine. She pulls the covers over herself in one swoop. "GOODNIGHT!"

"Uh… Goodnight, Pinkie…" I slip myself under the covers and reach over to turn off the table lamp next to me.

Wow, she's already snoring…


Yeah, that's what I thought! She went to sleep in the other bed.

But… this is kind of nice. Breathing softly and quietly, her slumber looks so peaceful. And she's so soft and warm…

Sniff

Mmm… sweet, but artificially so. Like cotton candy scented shampoo. I think I could get used to this. She's like a giant, heavy plushie that tempts me to snuggle while I fall back to sleep.










If only I didn't have to take a leak so bad!

I hear the door click open. A small wave of panic washes over me. This is a small bed! I'm practically spooning with Pinkie! I don't want anypony to see this! Nurse Redheart pokes her head in the room and…

Suddenly my old defense mechanism kicks in.

I look at the confused nurse through half-lidded eyes, crack a wry grin, and wiggle my eyebrows at her. Her expression changes from mildly confused to absolutely mortified in the blink of an eye and she quickly backpedals out the door and fumbles with the door handle before closing it rather harshly.

…I cannot believe I just did that.

Pinkie begins to stir. I try nudging her, maybe she'll move over or something. No luck. I try pulling my arm out from under her… dear Celestia, she's heavy! If I could just… wedge my other arm… ARGH… behind her back… HNNG…

THUD

"Pinkie!"

I look over the edge of the bed to see her still fast asleep on the floor, snoring quietly. She kinda just… rolled off. Oh well, she looks fine to me. It's Pinkie, she's practically made of rubber anyway.

Sitting at the edge of my bed, I shake my arm to get the blood flowing again and get rid of that annoying tingly-sleeping-limb sensation. With cane in hand, I rock myself to stand up, and head for the bathroom.


Flush

I hobble out of the bathroom and… Pinkie's off the floor and back on the bed somehow. My bed. Oh well, I'm taking hers then.


Dane…




Daney…




Daney-Waney…

My eyes flutter open. I blink a few times, trying to focus on the enormous grin with eyes right in front of my face.

"Mornin' Pinkie," I croak.

"GOOOOOD morning sleepyhead!"

I reach over to where the bedside table should be, I feel nothing but air. I turn over, about to look for the table on the other side, but my pink companion swiftly puts my glasses on my face, her snout briefly smushing up against my forehead in the process.

"Thanks…" I wipe my forehead with the back of a hand, her nose felt a little moist…

"Sooooo… how come you're in my bed?" She asks with a huge smile.

I scratch my head. "You hijacked mine…" I say, pointing over at my previous sleeping spot.

"No I didn't silly! I was in this one the whole night!"

"I… you were?" No she wasn't. Wait a second. Does that mean… "Pinkie, did you wake up… on this bed?" I point to the one I'm residing on for emphasis.

"Yeah-huh!"

"So I was sleeping in the same bed as you, when you woke up?"

"Yep! You sure were!"

She followed me back to this bed? What gives?! Oh, and great, now it looks like I jumped in bed with her. Just great. "Pinkie… I… but… you…"

"It's ok Daney! If you wanted to cuddle, you could've just asked! Duh!"

Could've just asked her…? To cuddle? As awesome as that sounds, it's kinda dirty… My face falls into my palm and I rub my temples with my thumb and index finger. "Dear Celestia I hope I didn't accidentally wind up in some clopfic universe," I mutter.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing Pinkie." I smile up at her.

She cocks her head sideways, looking at me, and says, "Ok…" Her trademark grin reappears in an instant though. "Now that you're awake, I have to go to work! Sorry I can't eat breakfast with you! Buh-bye!" She waves quickly and dashes out of the room, leaving the bed sheets waving in the wind from her wake.

Well. That was interesting.


"Well hello Miss Rarity," I happily greet the fashionista. "Now who might that be?" I crane my neck to look behind her.

"Why hello Mr. Dane!" She cheerfully greets me with an excited grin. "This is my sister, Sweetie Belle! I hope you don't mind her tagging along. You see, I'm watching her today." She moves aside, but her little sister sidesteps with her, remaining hidden behind Rarity's tail.

I can't help but smile.

"Now don't be shy Sweetie Belle, go on and say hello to Mr. Dane."

"Hi Sweetie Belle," I offer with a little wave.

"Hi," she greets me unsurely, not moving from cover.

Rarity looks at me apologetically, "I'm sorry, she's usually not like this."

"Oh it's no problem. So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"

"Well, I bumped into Twilight this morning and she mentioned you were being checked out today. But I hadn't finished your new clothes yet! And I know you'd rather not go trotting around town in your birthday suit, so I thought I'd drop by and see how you look… innnnn…" she turns her head back to her saddle bags. Her horn glows as a couple folded garments float out of her bags. "…your new ensemble!" She sings.

"You finished it? That's excellent!"

"Well," she rolls her eyes, "almost. I'm not quite finished with a piece or two, but this should do the trick for now."

The clothes land in my lap, and I carefully pick them up to examine them. I grab the shirt first from its neatly folded position. Hang on, how would she even know how to fold a human shirt? Hmm, maybe it's not so different from a pony shirt. Anyway, the white cloth is soft and smooth, and the whole thing textured with tiny diamond shaped indents. Each speck of an indentation is blue inside… blue diamonds, her cutie mark. Figures. On the surface, it's a button-down dress shirt with a collar and cuffs. But the patterned material feels like flannel, soft and fluffy. The collar and cuffs are also made from the same material, they're not starch-stiff like the ordinary dress shirts I'm used to, although they almost looked like it at first glance. The buttons are each formed from a sparkling deep blue gem, perhaps a sapphire, diamond-shaped like her cutie mark, and set in gold.

"Nice buttons," I say, completely undermining their extravagance.

She giggles, "Oh yes, I was quite excited about that. I so rarely get to work with fasteners!"

Sweetie pipes up, "It's true!"

Rarity and I spend a second looking at the little filly, expecting her to say more, but she slowly scoots back to her hiding place. Am I really that frightening to her?

"…I suppose you wouldn't get to do buttons too often… It's a gorgeous shirt," I compliment while holding it up, admiring it. "And so soft too."

I lay it down next to me on the bed, and I pick up the (also suspiciously properly folded) pants by the waist and let them unfold and hang down. They seem to be some type of khakis, but a very pale peach color. Intricate swirly designs adorn each pant leg, a big S shape being the central part of the design. They designs are done in a dark brown color and they don't look overly gaudy, actually on the contrary, they look quite tasteful. Rubbing the fabric between a finger and thumb tells me this cloth is similar to the shirt, that sort-of flannel, that is probably going to be amazingly comfortable and warm. Yet, somehow, it still looks almost as smooth as silk on the outside, and even gives the appearance of well-pressed trousers.

Still, I think I might have preferred some good old fashioned blue jeans. Just out of sheer habit. I never did quite understand why jeans fell out of style in favor of red khakis, of all things… Kids these days.

These pants seem just like any old human pants as far as form goes. She must have copied my surgically-removed (shredded) blue jeans. Pockets, zipper fly, gold-and-sapphire button, loops for the belt that I never wore, the only things missing were the ass pockets. Which I never used anyway. She must have thought jean-style stitched-and-riveted ass pockets looked a little tacky on these fancy pants. Hehe. Fancy pants.

"These pants are magnificent. You even got all the details right."

"Well I did have your… ugh… denim pants to go off of. Is that dreadful material popular where you're from?" She asks incredulously.

"Well… it was, when I was younger. Everyone wore pants like those. Blue jeans, they're called."

"I don't see how anypony could consider denim to be fashionable… ahem… no offense." She blushes a bit, looks away, and bats her mane with a hoof.

"Hmm… well let's see…" I tap my chin in thought, "they were the pants of working men once. Now, if I remember right, and mind you this was way before my time, rebellious youngsters thought that wearing them would be… sort of… a sign of defiance against their parents or society or what have you. And well, they just stuck. Sometimes that's how fashion works, I guess…"

"Rebellious youngsters, you say?" She looks thoughtfully at Sweetie Belle behind her.

"What? I liked that fabric!" Sweetie replies.

I may have just started a new fashion trend in Equestria.

"Oh! I almost forgot, one last thing. Here." She levitates another, much smaller folded garment my way. I snatch it from the air. A plain white silk item, maybe a handkerchief, I unfold it, and… underwear. Briefs, just like my former undergarments. Stretchy elastic and all. Silk briefs.

As I ogle the silken briefs, my thoughts spill off my tongue, "Rarity, you are a saint!"

"Oh… well… heh heh…" She blushes and smiles guiltily. "Well? Aren't you going to try them on?"

"I uh…" I eyeball the little filly in the room.

Rarity sees this and politely asks of her sister, "Sweetie, be a dear and turn around will you?" She lowers her head to Sweetie's height, and whispers loudly enough for me to hear, "Mr. Dane doesn't like it when ponies watch him dress."

This, coming from the mare that didn't want Spike seeing her and her friends get dressed…

Sweetie turns to face away from me, and I guess there's no sense in asking Rarity to look away after what happened last time.

Silk underwear first (I'm not passing this up), one leg at a time. I rock myself off the bed to stand, and pull them up under my hospital gown, which, thankfully, prevents Rarity from seeing exactly what she's looking towards at the moment. Or maybe she's just curious about fit. Hmm.

And… oh Celestia… "these feel goooooood…"

"So, what exactly are those for? If you don't mind me asking. I know they're an undergarment, of course, but why wear them?" Rarity asks inquisitively.

I moan in pleasure as I sit back down on the edge of the bed, my ass caressed by pure, smooth silk. "They uh… they just keep everything in place, you know?" I gesture to my crotch. Although my question was rhetorical, I'm actually fairly certain she doesn't know, since I've had to see a pair of stallion balls bouncing away every time I've said 'goodbye' to a doctor.

I begin putting my new pants on.

"I see…" She looks confused for a moment, then thoughtful. She shakes her head, as if to clear her thoughts, and asks, "So how are you feeling Mr. Dane? All ready to leave this, ugh, bland hospital room and see the town?" She finishes with a smile.

"Well, that's what the doctors tell me," I reply with a wry smile.

"Oh, now don't be ridiculous. You look fit as a fiddle!"

I stand up and pull up my pants. They're a perfect fit. "Well considering I'm an 82 year old man who's transcended the very fabric of reality with an experimental portal… and then had a heart attack afterwards, I'd say I'm doing pretty good."

"Darling, you must tell me more about your, erm, world and how you got here. Maybe even a bit about the clothing your people wear," she slyly suggests with a wink. "Go on, put your shirt on." She gestures to the shirt laying on the bed.

Sitting back down, I gingerly lift off my hospital gown and reach for the shirt.

"Oh my."

"Hmm?"

"It's nothing dear, but I simply must have a word with these surgeons. It seems as though none of them could make a proper stitch to save their lives!"

I look down to the slowly healing vertical scar on my chest, and rub my fingers over the stitches. That's actual Equestrian thread in my skin. Sewn by an honest to goodness pony surgeon. Who performed actual surgery on my battered old human heart. They've done it since the beginning, but now, for the first time, a pony has quite literally touched my heart.

"It can't be that bad," Sweetie says, having turned back around to take a peek.

We both look at her again in anticipation, but to no avail, she turns away once more.

"You wanna see it, Sweetie Belle?" I ask, "Come on, I'm not gonna bite you." She turns her head back to glance at me. "Come 'ere, have a look." I motion with a finger for her to come over.

She reluctantly treads towards me, looking at the floor. When she reaches a comfortable distance she looks up at my chest and, "Ew, yuuuuuuck!"

"Sweetie Belle!" Rarity scolds.

"AHAHAhahahahahahaha! Ah ha! Ha… oh… ow. It's alright Rarity. It is a pretty bad stitch, isn't it Sweetie Belle?"

"Yeah! Even I could've told you that."

I smile at Sweetie, who seems to be warming up to me, if slowly. She's an adorable little thing, and looks so much like her sister. The family resemblance is plain to see in her face, she really could pass for a much younger Rarity, if not for her pink and purple locks and green eyes. Her coat doesn't share her sister's luster either, but to be fair, Rarity probably spends an awful lot of time grooming.

I lift my new shirt over my head, not even undoing the buttons, somewhat to Rarity's disappointment, I notice. I smooth out the garment over my chest and button the collar. I fumble with the cuff buttons for a moment. Always hated cuff buttons. Not that I wore dress shirts often. A blue haze engulfs the button I was tinkering with and it situates itself.

"Let me help you with that," she offers, now buttoning my other cuff.

"How do I look?" I hold my arms out to the sides, palms up.

"Absolutely ravishing darling!"

"You look smashing!"

"They're so comfortable, and beautiful too! Did you help your sister make these, Sweetie Belle?"

"Well um… just a tiny bit." She swirls a hoof around on the tile floor.

"You really have outdone yourself Rarity."

"Nonsense. I already told you, I'm happy to help. Besides, it's not every day I get to design something completely new. I do enjoy a challenge from time to time you know."

"A challenge? For you? Surely you must be thinking of somepony else." I smile and wink at her.

"Well usually she only makes dresses. For ponies," Sweetie flatly remarks.

"I've made a tuxedo or two in the past," Rarity says more to me than to her sister. "Well, I'd love to stay for more flattery from you, Mr. Dane, but I'm afraid that will have to wait, I simply must get back to work! I do have a few orders to fill today."

"Perfectly understandable, I know what it's like to run a business. You two go on ahead now, I'll see you later. And thank you once again for these spectacular clothes, Rarity, I… they're… fabulous. I really can't thank you enough."

"It's no problem at all! Well, goodbye Mr. Dane!" She starts walking out. "Come along Sweetie Belle."

"Bye Mr. Dane." The little filly bids me farewell with a small, but sincere smile on her face.

Rarity suddenly turns around. "Oh, I forgot to mention, I should have the rest of your ensemble completed in time for the party tonight. Ta-ta!"

"Goodbye ladies!"

That's right… Party tonight…


I come out of the bathroom and see a strange new pony sitting on the previously-vacant bed in my room. Dark gray coat, white mane and tail, and yet, ridiculously colorful for the grayscale earth pony he is.

"What happened to you son? Ya get in a fight with a paintbrush and lose?" I ask as I hobble over to my own bed.

Different colors splotch up on each of his hooves, as if he trotted through paint buckets, and more on his flanks, ears, tail, muzzle, and mane.

Looking mildly insulted by my greeting, he dryly responds, "Oh. So you're the 'human,' " he says with an air quotes gesture. "And what happened to you old timer? Get in a fight with time and lose?"

I give him my best old man grumble. He looks like some kid's terrible original character. I damn well better not be stuck in the universe of some shitty self-insert fanfiction. Get the hell out of here kid, this is my universe now.

"Heart attack," I finally grumble in response.

For a moment, he looks apologetic. He then lays down and rolls over on the bed to face away from me. Hmm… He has a painter's palette for a cutie mark. Maybe he really did get in a fight with a paintbrush…


"Hi Twilight!"

"Hi," she greets me, lacking any of the cheer and happiness that I'd usually expect from her.

"Are you here to pick me up? I'm cleared to leave and ready to go."

"Yeah… that's why I'm here." She looks at the floor and around the room, seemingly anywhere but me.

"Well gee, I could always stay here a little longer if you'd like…"

"I'm sorry Dane, I didn't mean it like that."

"Oh, I'm just teasing, Twi. Cheer up! We're finally going to have some time to talk, just you and me!"

"Yeah… right… you and me."

"Aren't you the least bit fascinated by all the cool stories I have about my world?" I suggest while giving her my best jazz hands.

Her ears perk up a tiny bit, her eyebrows raise in interest, and she gives a small nod of affirmation. "Yes, actually." She looks up to me, "I am."

"Well then! What do ya say we get going then?" I push myself off the bed with some effort.

She nods again, listlessly, and heads for the door.

Suddenly, my roommate finishes taking his dump and exits the bathroom. A brief moment of silence ensues as we all look at each other.

Twilight speaks first, "Oh. You have a roommate now?"

"Uh, heh heh. Yeah. New roommate. Twilight. Twilight. New roommate. Ok, let's go!" I shuffle closer to Twilight, attempting to guide her out the door and away from this would-be main character.

"Hey, wait. Aren’t you the Element of Magic?" Painter-colt asks.

"Yes. I am," Twilight answers in a neutral tone, not too strange, given she's a little down in the dumps at the moment. I really need to talk to her and smooth this whole thing out.

"Sorry kid, we really gotta get going. C'mon Twi, we got stuff to talk about, remember?" My universe now, pal.

"Yeah. Sorry, maybe we'll meet again later," Twi admits apologetically.

I finally nudge Twilight out the door, and just as I walk through…

"Where do you think you're going?" Nurse Redheart stands in our way, with a wheelchair at her side, and a cheeky smile on her mug. "Go on, in the chair. Hospital policy. Besides, I don't need you falling over and breaking a hip just to be stuck in that bed for another week."

"I was going to ask, you know…" I smile back at her while I manage a controlled fall into the short wheelchair.

The white nurse takes the liberty of pushing me down the hall, with Twilight walking at my side.

I turn my head to look at Redheart, who's pushing the wheelchair with her forehooves, walking only with her hind legs. "Nurse Redheart… about this morning..."

"Oh, don't worry about it sugar."

"I just don't want you to get the wrong idea…"

"Honey, I don't have any idea at all. That mare just does strange things sometimes."

Sigh

"What are you two talking about?" Twilight asks curiously.

"Pinkie."

"Pinkie."

"Never mind," Twi replies, and puts her focus back on walking.

Hearing too many hoofsteps behind me, I decide to take a look and I find Nurses Heartache and Rayne are following us. "Well hello ladies," I greet them with a little smirk.

"Hello Mr. Dane," Rayne happily greets me.

"All ready to check out?" Heartache asks.

"Yes… I quite think I am."

We all pile into an elevator. The doors close and some quiet smooth jazz fills the otherwise silent ride down. When the doors open, more familiar faces greet me. Dr. Sutures with his ever-present cheery smile. Dr. Monitor, who looks at me through his small spectacles with his know-it-all smirk. Dr. Stable (the only earth pony doctor I know of) gives me a weak smile that's betrayed by his arrogant eyes. Dr. Care wears a soft professional smile to match her demeanor. And Dr. Scalpel fights back a happy grin so as not to harm his stoic and serious image. Nurse Coldheart joins us as well, cheerful but keeping her distance from the mare pushing me. Even my anesthesiologist is here, a perky, skinny earth colt, who found a perverse enjoyment in anesthetizing a strange new creature.

The cacophony of hoofsteps fades to silence as we all draw to a halt in a warmly lit and very earthy colored reception room. Several potted plants and colorful paintings decorate the place, it's a stark contrast from the bland hallways and rooms. And a single gray stallion is sitting on a bench, reading a magazine. He stares at me, and the veritable brigade of medical staff surrounding me.

I'm wheeled up next to the receptionist's desk and the dusty brown mare behind the desk nudges a clipboard over to me.

"I just need you to sign at the bottom, please," she says with a warm, if slightly unsure, smile.

I take the available quill and give it a quick dip in the nearby inkpot. I gently scratch my signature onto the paper. Before placing the quill down, I rub my fingers on it and feel several indentations. Bite marks, no doubt.

"Thank you!" the receptionist says as she takes the clipboard.

As I turn back, a paper bag drops into my lap. Courtesy of the pharmacist, who has the most ridiculous name. Annie Histamine. Nice mare though.

"Here you go Mr. Dane. Now remember, twice daily on the red ones, one every morning on the white ones, three times daily on the big ones."

"Thanks Annie."

She merely smiles warmly in response.

I take a good look at the two doors between me and the outside world. Radiant sunshine pours in through the glass panes of the doors, making little dust motes sparkle in the air. The light is so bright, I can't even see outside. My heart patters faster in my chest, and I get all jittery with excitement.

I take a deep breath, point my cane valiantly in the doors' direction, and command, "Onward!"

The white mare behind me takes the initiative and leads the charge with my wheelchair. The double doors slide open automatically and I close my eyes from the brightness.

My face is awash with light, gently warming my skin. I hear the rustle of leaves as a breeze blows through the trees. An avian symphony of chirps and tweets graces my ears. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding, and replace it with fresh, crisp springtime air.

Opening my eyes, the first thing I see is the long and winding path to town. Two young pegasi are flying above, laughing and chasing each other in some game. It's becoming hard to see… my eyes are welling up.

All of a sudden, from my peripheral vision, five mares come into view.

"Hi Daney! We came by to walk you to town and show you around!" Pinkie proclaims as she bounces in place.

I bring a hand to my face, pushing my glasses up to rub my eyes. I last only a moment longer before I break down into sobs.

Several hooves pat me gently on the back and arms, trying to comfort me. It works, and I cry even harder…

Tears of joy. Tears of grief. Of heartache, happiness, love, and loss. Of guilt and shame. Tears for my wife. Tears for myself. Tears for my friends. Tears for an impossible goal accomplished… A battle hard fought and won… Tears for all those I've let down… for those I've betrayed…

"I'm here."


Author's Note:

In regards to season 3 canon, it's worth noting that Dane picked not only a very particular universe, but also a particular time in that universe to suit his fancy. So basically, Twilight may not be an alicorn BUT this is still going with canon, because it's in the 'past.'