Tales of the Celestian Days With(out) Cake

- Experience Awe!
- Be staggered!
- And shocked!
- Step right up and read: "[Twenty-Four] Celestia-Perserverance stories [integrated into an overarching tale!] about her toughing out an obnoxious day on the throne while looking forward to a slice of cake." She's getting too old for this. (And Lyra gets un-backgrounded(!))

Era: Takes place during the first episode of Season 1. (See an index of my stories, sorted by My Little Pony Season).

- Why Create Such An Absurd Story?: Fan of Most Everything's contest requested: "I’d still like to see some creative choices rather than, say, forty Celestia-Perserverance stories about her toughing out an obnoxious day on the throne while looking forward to a slice of cake." So, I didn't write forty. I wrote twenty-four vignettes that build upon each other, leaving the rest of you with opportunities.

Content Note: The story suggests that snorting crystal is probably a bad idea.

- This is not exactly a take on https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_Thousand_and_One_Nights, but the influence is undeniable.

- Contest language: "An entry in Imposing Sovereigns III, using the prompt CELESTIA (character) / PERSEVERANCE (virtue)."

- Image: By me (and using the smiling Lyra (or Amethyst Star) icon from the site's available icons for bookshelves).

Chapters (2)

Many Tales, One Truth · 21st Oct 2021 · 5,677 words
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The Tales Completed (Lyra's Lessons) · 21st Oct 2021 · 3,016 words
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FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #1 · Oct 21st, 2021 · 2 · · The Tales Completed (Lyra's Lessons) ·

I really shouldn’t be surprised that the mind behind the Biceps/Blaze production came up with this. A bit too heavy on the rot, figurative and cognitive, but still a fascinating collection of fever dreams. Thank you for them and best of luck in the judging.

SparklingTwilight

SparklingTwilight #2 · Oct 22nd, 2021 · · · The Tales Completed (Lyra's Lessons) ·

The good news is that once Nightmare Moon is stopped (and we know she will be), Celestia's sleep (and perhaps other side effects) will improve (at least a little!) and her persistence will be rewarded! She has it rough now, but as her sister would note: "'tis merely temporary!" Thank you for reading!

zx29b

zx29b #3 · Oct 22nd, 2021 · · · Many Tales, One Truth ·

She'd gone mad. 'No sleep and no cake makes Celestia a dull Princess', she thought, recalling that bitter time:

I am not quite sure whether that is a Treehouse of Horror reference or a The Shining reference.

SparklingTwilight

SparklingTwilight #4 · Oct 23rd, 2021 · 1 · · Many Tales, One Truth ·

11022878
Both! As the chapter title states: "Many Tales, one Truth". The Treehouse of Horror episode was referencing The Shining, after all. .

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #5 · Jan 6th, 2022 · 1 · · Many Tales, One Truth ·

a titillatingly tasty suggestion that set Princess Celestia's tongue alight inside her mouth, licking up saliva--imagining it had turned into sweet, smooth, creamy cake melting, melting, melting, melting.

well, that is quite a paragraph to start us off

The cake was ready--that was not a lie. But it may as well be.

nice reference

She'd gone mad. 'No sleep and no cake makes Celestia a dull Princess', she thought, recalling that bitter time:

ooh, a frame story!

shortly after that salmon-coated student of hers started shining and talking to ghostponies.

do wonder what reference this is

Celestia had sworn off blue powder--a new day had come--she wouldn't give up.^{(Not this REF)}

i mean if the phrase "not give up" is such a ref, well!

She'd come out of the blue haze in a fugue in the desert having starved herself forty days and forty nights during which she was sorely tempted by visions of the blue crystals and food and cake.

doubly Biblical, nice

Where once her land had been filled with warriors, accustomed to sparring with conniving centaur-beasts, brutal bugbears, and demonically diamond-toothed dogs, now they fainted at the sight of rabbits overrunning a town square.^{(Season 1, Ep. 4)}

and yes, this fits the trajectory i imagine for Equestria's history! though i fear that's just the Fremen Mirage's hold on me

^{(The hippogriffs Celestia had known a thousand years ago were peaceful and fearful--far from bloodthirsty. After some unmentionable and (to Celestia at least) unremembered events that occurred during the tyranny of the blue crystal... they had disappeared.)}

a fascinating aside!

Too much freedom ended with the insipid persuasion of crystal.... Nevertheless, for her little ponies... she persisted.

guessing this is a Breaking Bad reference overall, due to the "crystal blue persuasion"

But her once-beloved and oft-hated sister, the devil's cake to Celestia's angel type, was supposed to return.

leaning a bit too heavily into this duality!

Cadance was weak and she wasn't getting any stronger by battling nightmare beasts in her sleep--her glorious graceful sleep.

a fascinating way to tell that Cadance would not be the alicorn to fulfill the role Celestia had hoped

like so many of Celestia's lazy coddled millennial ponies

nice recapturing of the human world's use of "millennial" here

"It's good enough for ponies in Prance," she suggested, but the only things of note those ponies had ever done was build that oversized child's girder-set tower and produce that Neapolitan ice cream salespony who'd briefly conquered Griffonstone and inspired the griffons' love-affair with scones.

nice reference to Amareican expectations about working hours, especially in some industries

Cadance didn't practice in the halls against constructs and beasts--she just trotted up to them and *hugged* and complemented them with inanities like "I love you little snowflake", "you're precious and wonderful and loved".

but it's such a nice thing to see when used on Chrysalis!

I was romancing a Stallion from Saddle Arabia and the mathematical tool was all the rage there but Equestria was just getting used to the nuances of applying it

fun reference to the fact that there is no such thing as "0 CE" in our calendar system, and just how long it took for "0" to be invented, and how the numerals are thought of as Arabic because that was an intermediate language of transmission from India

Twilight blanched at Celestia's barnyard patois.

i would too! how very un-regal!

The Marquis of Prudence?^REF

huh, learned something new

Stop reading those dusty books and get out and make some friends--for tomorrow you may die.

Qoheleth and Isaiah, nice

She owed her diligent student the opportunity to have at least some opportunity for self-actualization before the inevitable cold darkness put an end to the persistence of heartbeat, life, and memory.

so dark, love it

Still, Celestia had a back-up plan--she supposed. Perhaps namby-pampered muddy-minded millennial Cadance could hug Luna and blow her back to the moon with the explosive power of love. 'Perhaps all we need is love?' Celestia pondered.
'Neigh,' Celestia shook her head. That was too unlikely.

well i kind of want to write that fic now

Sha-la-la-la-la-la.

can't place the song these lyrics are based on, if there is a base used

But once she'd collapsed in the pillows of the sugar, she and it would all float on, oh-kay, okay.

Modest Mouse?

The pony speaking, Mudbriar, was requesting a ban on construction with wooden materials, which was an intriguingly strange topic, but to present same, Mudbriar was demonstrating a tedious display on multiple chalk boards of how chalk and etching should and could efficiently replace paper-making.

i mean that weirdo could put anypony to sleep

But somepony, despite the jostling, had noticed Celestia's tongue lolling. That pony held a camera aloft and she almost caught the scene: but, amid the violence of the pushing, no photograph was snapped. Still, the lime-mint-coated pony paid closer attention, even though she cradled a broken camera in her hooves.

Chrysalis???

mare number two four six oh one

Jean Valjean

Jenny eight six seven five three oh nine...

this meme was old when i was young! but good double meaning of "jenny" as a female donkey

^{^{^{^{.)^{(N6-387. (omitted for brevity and those without 20/10 vision--Celestia's thoughts are quite rapid and discursive.))}}}}}

how kind of you, and oddly this fits my Celestia-as-indwelt-Daybreaker better somehow than any other Celestia i've read

and a representative from each of the tribes holding another-- unicorn, earth, pegasus, kirin, hippogriff,

ooh, fascinating interpretation this!

Celestia's deep involvement in her inner thoughts about Apples and Elements led her to miss most of Mudbriar's potentially compelling parable. But she caught the ending.

i've never read Infinite Jest but i'm guessing the recursive footnotes are its "thing"

Mudbriar interpreted for a stick, but to Celestia that was an admission of inability to present valid evidence, so Celestia, having lost interest, sighed and her stomach rumbled: no cake.

well, the idea of lumber retaining sapience renders a lot of Equestrian society as a quiet tale of banal horror. plugging this again

"And to test your security." He whispered, too low for ponies other than her guards to hear.

loving this relationship between Celestia and Cheese Sandwich here! the role of a jester, almost

He'd smothered it with sugar and mustard and mayonnaise and bloody red ketchup--just the way she liked it.

that does sound really good

Barely noticed by Celestia, a lime-mint-coated unicorn slipped out after Cheese Sandwich's departure.

Lyra?!?

Sometimes one needed to keep teaching the same lessons again and again before they sunk in.

hey, it's the television show!

Celestia, not wanting to waste brain matter on the issue, directed the complainant back to the Wonderbolts to provide evidence of this alleged regulation before she would address it. Magnanimously, she also offered to consider the petition if the petitioner could point to the same regulation.

bureaucracy works! such wisdom by Celestia

An old rhyme from her childhood occurred to Celestia, then left her mind as court noise drowned out her thoughts.

and what a beautiful rhyme it is

"Even though you're looking stoic: you like it, but can't show it. Still, I know it." The poet continued. "Now, about my petition--"

metacommentary on writing poems about events? and wow, Celestia really takes her food seriously!

She'd lost^{(the game that is, the game (that she'd invented so she could focus) of not envisioning cake)}

nice early internet culture reference

She was a fan of most everything clever that her perspicacious ponies had invented, but not those.

hey, love that guy!

The next petitioner was discussing the need for Equestria to adopt a flatter tax. They already had a flat tax. Those who could pay flatly paid.

nice

Fried Mare

that is an unfortunate name ponification

Monetary Keys

this one works nicely tho

Did that work? Onigiri, two syllables, wrapped--one. Rain symbolizing spring.

nice, an actual haïku instead of the idea based on mere syllable structure

Five flies buzzed around Celestia while she endured Ms. Harshwinny's delivery of a report about the economics of the Equestria Games and how the last three cities to hold same had suffered surprising economic losses.

nice, that's how the Olympics are in real life too!

She could upbraid them, but that too had consequences of making her seem weak for appointing incompetent soldiers and for abandoning her shielding efforts--her ponies and their gossip rags must see her as unassailable. But she was so tired. So old and tired. Over 1000 years as Equestria's ruler was enough, wasn't it? Her sister would return here soon enough.

i do like this interpretation of Celestia's aloofness and inattention; that her energies are being spent on more important and secret things. might steal this long-running psychic war idea!

Celestia's magic crushed the flies upon her nose. She smiled bloody-snouted in triumph.
A camera shutter clicked.

ah, love the whole Sword of Damocles thing! heavy lies the peytral

So, of course, I made sure not to write forty.

yes, yes, Lex Luthor cakes, yes

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #6 · Jan 6th, 2022 · 1 · · The Tales Completed (Lyra's Lessons) ·

really great stuff here that i need to go back and do a more in-depth comment about after the Comment Period's expiry. for now i will just say how much i love this idea of Lyra, who always struck me as an unserious type getting by on the margins of life despite her unrealized potential and intelligence. and the setting-up of the LyraBon pair in this is great. a delightful meditation on power, its limitations, and cake, thank you for it!

SparklingTwilight

SparklingTwilight #7 · Jan 9th, 2022 · 1 · · The Tales Completed (Lyra's Lessons) ·

11110301
Thank you for reading and commenting with such care and in such depth!

do wonder what reference this is

In case you're serious (and since it may help others), The Shining! Link. The Simpsons also parodied this in a Treehouse of Horror episode.

" 'No sleep and no cake makes Celestia a dull Princess', she thought, recalling that bitter time:" and "student of hers started shining and talking to ghostponies."

"She'd come out of the blue haze in a fugue in the desert having starved herself forty days and forty nights during which she was sorely tempted by visions of the blue crystals and food and cake."

Also! It's wordplay on this: Celestia imagines a desert of desserts!

guessing this is a Breaking Bad reference overall, due to the "crystal blue persuasion"

Yes! Also: The Crystal Method is referenced ("methodically"), and this song, which to be fair was more about acid and biblical references but I justify including it due to biblical themes mixed with the larger drug references of Breaking Bad's crystal meth, etc.

a fascinating aside!

Thank you. I was trying to brainstorm some possible reasons for why the hippogriffs weren't mentioned in the series for so long.

well i kind of want to write that fic now

Go ahead. Although, it sounds more like something IAmSinner would write. That's the power of love.

Sha-la-la-la-la-la.

A fair question. Many bubble pop songs have similar lyrics. All the italicized words in this segment are the titles of bubble pop songs.

i've never read Infinite Jest but i'm guessing the recursive footnotes are its "thing"

Indeed. Neal Stephenson does this too, and Terry Pratchett spoofs it sometimes, but Infinite Jest is probably the most mainstream work notorious for going insane with discursive footnotes.

the role of a jester, almost

In the very traditional sense-yes!

"Along with the tasks of general mockery, jesters were given the task of delivering bad news to their King in a way that would make light of a situation; thus lessening the blow of bad news. " (LINK).

and what a beautiful rhyme it is

Thank you!

and wow, Celestia really takes her food seriously!

If food is not taken seriously... (LINK).

that is an unfortunate name ponification

Weeellll... smoking something may have helped with some of Fried Mare's more far-out ideas.

heavy lies the peytral

A neat ponified reference on your part!

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #8 · May 14th, 2022 · · · The Tales Completed (Lyra's Lessons) ·

The audience parted and turned toward the culprit, a lime-mint-coated pony who, with a faltering smile, grinned back a winning flash of pearly-whites,

cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/870708882752819231.webp?size=96&quality=lossless

"It pays. 20 bits for a weird facial expression, 10 for a cross look. Beaucoup bits for something special--"
The audience grumbled. Photographs of them in unflattering positions while at court had permeated in recent months.

this explains Luna's troubles in "A Royal Problem"!

Celestia, now that she focused on her memories, recalled seeing Lyra in the audience before, but that lime-green pony had nearly escaped her notice. Lyra apparently was an expert background pony, hovering just on the edge of notice--another surprising talent.

hehehe, fun metacommentary on background ponies

Celestia worried about how many other talents among her students she might have missed. Was Twilight Sparkle really the best student of her generation? Had Celestia been negligent--enough with those thoughts! She calmed herself, but reflected that the rot in her brain, like a cake decaying from the inside out, was taking its toll.

oh no, Celestia! you can't question why the main characters are the only characters that matter!

"Then spill the jazz on me, student."

phrasing!

Celestia was getting old... and less adroit at repositioning just as she had become less adept at swallowing stacks of cakes as she had in years past.

honestly just leaning into Celestia measuring her aging by her adeptness at "swallowing stacks of cakes" is both wonderfully absurd and poignant at the same time

.^{(Not this Bon Bon, though she may be important later. This bonbon.) Not a bonobo. They, like humans, don't exist.)}

love this aside, as i do for literally anything that reminds me of LyraBon, but also love linking the Wikipedia article for "humans", which don't exist

They didn't struggle, they just depended on their tall sun mommy to take care of their every whim.

um that sounds super awesome? where do i sign up?

(She had adopted him after a cake-fueled decision-making marathon court session--a decision that had perhaps done more harm than good.)

i think i'm going to have to accept Celestia's unfortunate cake addiction as canon, as nothing else really explains the whole Blueblood thing better

"Yes; that's why I didn't have any boarding discount. I've had to work hard for everything. I'm not a parasite. I'm a pony being!" She stressed that second word, part of some last-century political slogan, Celestia recalled.

well now this is making me want to know more about what pony politics were like in this "last century"! and Lyra certainly has an interesting worldview...

Although Lyra had proved herself to be a competent magic-user and although Celestia wanted her little ponies to be more self-reliant, Celestia couldn't help but meddle. She wanted the rush of knowing that she had made a difference. Like Lyra, Celestia wanted not to a parasite.

ooh, that is fun! Celestia's problem being from the opposite end of the social hierarchy, of course, being a parasite due to her own accumulated power and prestige. though maybe not too different, considering it is her own wealthy parents' wealth that Lyra is refusing

Not wanting to go through the courtly rigamarole of adjourning and rejoining for a break that would fill her with all the more temptation to devour the succulent sweet cake that once consumed would send her into a delirium, Celestia decided she had no remaining time left to walk a pony through an existential crisis on this perhaps last day before Equestria was plunged into endless night.

augh, how do you make Celestia's cake addiction so poignant? i truly feel for her dilemma here

She was tired of that--moreso since she realized that the prepared cake--the stale-becoming cake that was awaiting her--might very well be the *last* daycake on which she might dine. For tomorrow, when her sister arrived, Celestia might die.

adds a second layer of meaning to it being the "daycake", augh. so good, much as i imagine the daycake to taste were it not stale

(although like most creatures she would probably perish if Nightmare Moon managed to institute eternal night--there was only so much lichen and mushrooms that could be consumed--and stars could only glow so bright)

hey, ponies seemed pretty alive in the Nightmare Moon takeover timeline! earthpony magic is literally magic, after all!

"When you pass your test today, you will gain good notoriety, dear little pony. You will be able to canter on your own four hooves, proclaiming to employers and musical listeners that you demonstrated such talent that you graduated before even my personal student, Twilight Sparkle."

i need to start making a list of all the phrases to steal from you wholesale. "cantering on one's own four hooves" as a replacement for "standing on one's two feet" would be one of them

"The tips are poor. Even with notoriety--few make their living by music outside of the orchestra--"
"Split living costs with a roommate. You mentioned a willingness to compromise."
Lyra nodded. "And I've been lonely," she whispered, almost too soft to be heard.
"Yes," Celestia said. "I am certain you will be able to locate a roommate, as you have proven yourself quite resourceful." To herself, she added the thought: '... perhaps too resourceful in stirring up trouble, but I know just the right mare to enter into your orbit who can keep you alive on Equus.'
Lyra's eyes lit up.

auauagh so this is why Lyra and Bon Bon start living together? wait, that's not canon, right? Lyra and Bon Bon's relationship starting because they live together as acquaintances first is something i always forget is something i decided and not anything in the canon. but if that's what this is then i love it

And, with Lyra's dismissal, day court was finished.^{(Although the concept of night court had become obsolete after the banishment of Celestia's sister, she, out of custom, still thought of her 'court' as day court.)}

customs are like that, aren't they? and if Nightmare Moon is about to return, well, in Celestia's mind it might be a relevant distinction again soon enough!

That crackerjack mare had been living incognito as a sweets merchant ever since that terrible bugbear incident collapsed one of her lungs and her trachea. She'd probably gallop at the opportunity to get back into the action of doing more than just sending an occasional report to Celestia... even if the task was simply more detailed observation and intervention. If Lyra strayed from the path, and Celestia suspected she would, Bon Bon would know what to do.

i love this so much! and Bon Bon being explicitly assigned to watch over an inconveniently talented and resourceful Lyra is a dimension that i had not considered before and love pretty much immediately.

Celestia licked her lips and sent for the cake.
But it was gone. It had gone off. Spoiled. Her lodestar--her goal throughout her struggles...
It was a lie!

ah, classic reference! and one that fits so perfectly into the overwrought way the narration describes cakes that without the reference, would just seem like any other part of the story

Sugar and spice would be ever-so nice, but it would also keep her awake, even moreso than the nightmares all night--what a fright.^{Ref; Video}

love the inclusion of the video reference

But she would persevere. Tomorrow was a new day; the Summer Sun Celebration was nigh, and on it, she would die. Or persevere. Or be preserved on the moon in place of her sister in salt and sulfites so she wouldn't rot--hopefully. But maybe she would. She was already well over a thousand years old. Her era was done. She had failed. But either way, she would soon sleep interrupted. And maybe that was what really mattered. Sleep could be as sweet as cake to her aching mind. She readied her special night clothing, then lay down and closed her eyes.

and augh, that poetic poignance again. such a wonderful phrase and mental image, to contemplate being preserved in "salt and sulfites". really wrapping up the themes of this story in one paragraph. beautiful stuff.

Of course it was a nightmare... This time. But for the next night... there was hope.

and of course it won't be complete without metafictional references to other MLP fanworks!

As stated last chapter: this idea arrived about a millisecond after I read the warning sentence in Fan of Most Everything's contest post: "I’d still like to see some creative choices rather than, say, forty Celestia-Perserverance stories about her toughing out an obnoxious day on the throne while looking forward to a slice of cake." So, of course, I made sure not to write forty stories of same. There need to be some left for other Ponyvillians!

haha, i see my Woman x Mare contest is not the only time you've produced a story based on an aside in a contest description! and if they keep producing stories with this combination of quality and cleverness that take me to places i never would have imagined, i really hope you continue. this was an absolute gem of a story, and a fascinating experience. thank you for it!

SparklingTwilight

SparklingTwilight #9 · May 18th, 2022 · · · The Tales Completed (Lyra's Lessons) ·

11241584
Thank you as always for the insightful comments!

oh no, Celestia! you can't question why the main characters are the only characters that matter!

Indeed. It is not as though Celestia missed anypony who actually was powerful.^{(*cough* Starlight Glimmer)}

um that sounds super awesome? where do i sign up?

So... I didn't read the story that inspired the line so I cannot comment as to quality (but its amazing title stuck in my memory.) So... here is where it came from.

i think i'm going to have to accept Celestia's unfortunate cake addiction as canon, as nothing else really explains the whole Blueblood thing better

1. Agreed.
2. Special Preview: There may or may not be a Blueblood story on the horizon!
3. Indeed. Celestia likes all types of cakes... even... panCAKES!

well now this is making me want to know more about what pony politics were like in this "last century"! and Lyra certainly has an interesting worldview...

- I have considered a blog post or series about the politics of ponies in my take on the world...but I have held that in abeyance since there seems to be a risk that some people might conclude pony politics=mine, when the truth is pony politics=what is entertaining. Also, some people have strong opinions about what they think their ponies' politics are. But, who knows what the future holds? If I do post such a feature, it will of course focus on historical and philosophical bases of ideological alignment: Nietzsche, Marx, Hegel, Rand, Hayek, etc. rather than on whoever is Prime Minister or President these days.
- Resourceful Lyra has been so fun to write.

hey, ponies seemed pretty alive in the Nightmare Moon takeover timeline! earthpony magic is literally magic, after all!

A very good point!
Still, Celestia's fears are reasonable, if not necessarily accurate.

i need to start making a list of all the phrases to steal from you wholesale. "cantering on one's own four hooves" as a replacement for "standing on one's two feet" would be one of them

based on an aside in a contest description! and if they keep producing stories with this combination of quality and cleverness that take me to places i never would have imagined, i really hope you continue.

You are welcome!
Re: producing content based on the asides in contest descriptions - I have enjoyed the challenges and have been lucky enough to be inspired!

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