Welcome back to Equestria
Deadpool screamed loudly as he was pushed through the portal, then rolled down alongside a hill rather uncontrollably. He stopped as he landed on his back on what appeared to be a dirt road. He let out a rather painful groan.
"Oh my! Are you ok?" The voice of a woman asked. Deadpool's vision was blurry, but standing over him was… a unicorn? A magenta coated, blue mane unicorn, with the mane looking very soft and puffy looking. But that wasn't the real thing that made him stare at her.
"... Why are you computer animated?" He asked.
"Ooh! You can talk! That's SO COOL!!! Do you have a name!?" Deadpool gave a skeptical look as he sat right up.
"Wade Wilson… but folks usually call me Deadpool."
"Ooh! That's such a cool name! I'm Izzy! I'm a unicorn, easy to tell from my horn." Deadpool looked at her.
"Yeah… I can see that… but… you seriously don't know about me?"
"Hmm… Nope! None of the other Unicorns do, as far as I know."
"Wait… the other unicorns?"
"Oh, you're new, see, I'm from Brighterwood, and I got a personal invitation." She pulled out a piece of paper, handing it to Deadpool. He looked at the piece of paper, which had a picture of three ponies, an earth pony, unicorn, and pegasus, all around a cake, drawn by a child.
"Dear unicorns and pegasi, you have friends in maretime bay. Come visit us." He looked at Izzy. "... Did you just get this today, or…?"
"Oh, I actually have had it since I was a filly. I… wasn't allowed to go anywhere, but now I am, and I wanna make some new friends!" Though Deadpool stared, he took a deep breath.
"Bless your little heart. But… why now?"
"Oh, well… I can't… use…" she looked around before whispering to him. "magic."
"... why are you whispering?"
"It's a bad word!"
"... Weird… but you can't use it!?"
"Nope! It's been gone for who knows how many moons. I hope the earth ponies know what happened to it, and we can be friends!" Deadpool chuckled.
"Well, you won't be alone, Izzy. I can already tell we're gonna be great friends!" Izzy gasped as her pupils became huge with sparkles in them.
"You wanna be my friend!?" Deadpool booped her nose.
"Indeed!" Izzy stared, then let out a long squee, running around him.
"I HAVE A NEW FRIEND!!! I HAVE A NEW FRIEND!!!" Deadpool looked to where he came from, not seeing any portal.
"Hmm.. It's been a while since I've been in Equestria. Wonder what Twilight's doing?"
"Wait, you've been here before!? And who's Twilight?"
"... You're joking, right? Twilight Sparkle, purple version of Celestia now. Element of magic."
"...Who's Celestia?" Deadpool blinked, but ruffled her mane.
"You're funny, Izzy. But where's Maretime Bay?"
"Ooh! I think we're almost there! Follow me!" She began to skip ahead. Shrugging, Deadpool skipped alongside her. Unaware of either, a small landshark walked onto the dirt road, stopping to scratch itself, but proceeded to follow their trail.
The pair entered what appeared to be a town that looked pretty similar to San Francisco. As far as they could see, with the exception of birds, earth ponies roamed around freely with banners hanging on the poles for something called Canterlogic. Though, one thing that caught Wade's attention was what appeared to be some posters where it showed Earth ponies being terrorized by shadowy versions of Unicorns and Pegasi.
"Hmm… Izzy? You seeing this?" Deadpool asked
"Yep! Hi new friends!!!" Izzy waved, approaching to one of the earth ponies. They turned their attention to her, but froze in place, shivering as if they had seen a ghost. Said pony turned around and hoofed it.
"IT'S A UNICORN!!! UNICORN ATTACK!!!" They screamed. Other ponies nearby noticed and began to follow suit. However, on the floor, probably knocked down by the crowd, was an earth pony mare, with an orange coat and fairly short, pink mane. She looked up, vision blurred, to see Izzy.
"Hi, new friend!" Izzy spoke "My name's Izzy!"
"Yo, you seeing this s##t!?" Deadpool asked. "Wait… CENSORED AGAIN!? WHAT THE F-!?"
"A unicorn!?" The Earth pony asked in shock, but the crowd around screamed, running and hiding away.
"Is everypony playing hide and seek?" Izzybasked, turning to a stallion hiding behind an ice cream stand. "I see you!"
"Don't hurt me!" The stallion yelled, jumping into the ocean. Loud ringing came as random spots on the floor turned into various traps. Deadpool walked to one of the hiding ponies.
"Oi! The f##k's wrong with everyone?" He demanded. "What's wrong with Izzy?"
"No, please!" The pony backed away. "I don't want my brains to be dissolved!!!" They ran away.
"Dissolved? What the hell happened?" He stood by as his mind went into overdrive. "Hey guys! You seeing this?"
Indeed. Been a while since you've chatted with us.
Yeah! You had us silenced for a LONG time.
"Yeah, sorry guys, but you know, family and whatnot. But you seeing this s##t?"
Everypony must be serious about hide and seek!
No, you idiot! They're afraid of Unicorns and Pegasi.
But... why?
"That's what I'm curious about as well." He looked to his left to see Izzy approach a movie theater with, what appeared to be a ponified version of The Terminator. "Ok, that's funny." Izzy stepped forward and a metal box came up from the floor, trapping her. "But that's not!" He marched over to the same pony Izzy greeted herself with, but also had a stare down with a stallion that looked like a wingless Flash Sentry. Next to him was a red stallion that almost resembled Big Macintosh, if Big Mac didn't work in a farm and instead at a store in the mall
"Sunny!" The stallion barked. "What are you doing!?"
"She's doing nothing." Deadpool spoke, pressing a huge red button on the side. Izzy was released, and she wasn't phased by the looks of it.
"Your name's Sunny?" She simply asked. The crowd panicked again with more traps being set off, and more metal boxes appearing.
"That's the stupidest trap design ever!"
YEAH!!!
The two mares ran away. Deadpool followed.
"Bye! It was nice meeting you all!" Izzy spoke.
They all entered Sunny's home, which was also a lighthouse. Everyone caught their breath, but Sunny stared at the duo.
"... Do earth ponies like staring contests?" Izzy asked before staring back. She blinked, but giggled. "You win!"
"There's… an actual unicorn, in my house! And…" she looked at Deadpool. "What are you? I'm sorry, I didn't get your name."
"I'm what people call me," he put on a pair of sunglasses. "A sex machine. And you can call me Anytime!"
"His name's Deadpool." Izzy said before looking around her house. "And I've never seen an Earth pony before! We look exactly alike!"
Deadpool backed away from the two talking as he went upstairs. Looking around, he noticed a lot of stuff that reminded him of the Equestria he knew; various maps, artwork, some pictures, and what appeared to be the mane 6 as dolls.
"... This is the future." He concluded. "This is G5! But… everything Twilight and friends fought for…"
Um… I don't put it nicely...
Everything they fought for was for nothing.
Deadpool took a deep breath, sitting on a chair, looking around. "This is like a sick Rick & Morty joke, but Wisecrack ain't milking this for views." He picked up what appeared to be a miniature caracol, seeing the small ponies on the side, but stopped as he noticed a huge diamond in it. "... I think this will serve the finale."
"SUNNY STARSCOUTS!!!" The voice of that wingless Flash Sentry spoke through a megaphone, followed by some feedback. "Sunny starscout! I know you're in there with that unicorn! Come out with your hooves out and- uh… Sprout, what's that?"
Deadpool looked out of the window to see Jeffery was outside, looking at the stallion pair, seemingly entranced by the flash lookalike. He ran down the stairs.
"Quick! Let's get out here!" He yelled. "While Jeff distracts them!"
"Jeff?" The mares asked.
"My pet. You'll meet him later. But let's get outta here!" He grabbed both mares and made a mad dash out of the backdoor, getting out of the town's borders. He stopped to catch his breath, letting them go.
"You don't have magic!?" Sunny asked.
"Nope." Izzy answered.
"Yeah… Izzy told me Unicorns lost their magic a long time ago." Deadpool replied, pulling out a flask and drinking it. "By the way, you've got nice wooden toys of the mane 6." Sunny blushed
"You went through my stuff?"
"Hey, a lot of s##t has changed since I left. All 3 pony races are, I'm guessing, super racist towards each other, and the other creatures are gone."
"... other creatures?" Izzy asked.
"Oi vey…" Deadpool took a swig from his flask. "Everything is truly f##ked. Twilight would hate to see this?"
"Wait, you knew Twilight Sparkle!?" Sunny asked.
"Yep. She was quite the egghead."
"Th-then we need to head back! You're living proof that we all used to live in harmony!"
"Yeah, but we need magic back. And I doubt you have it."
"Um… no… and unicorns don't, so…"
"... Oh no." Izzy spoke. "The pegasi are bad news!"
"But they're our last hope for magic! Let's head to Zephyr Heights!" The mares walked ahead
"... well, we are f##ked if Zephyr Breeze has a place named after him." Deadpool groaned, taking another swig.
It took them a day, but they walked into what's seemingly the entrance to Zephyr heights, right through a gorge.
"You know, not to freak you guys out or anything," Izzy spoke "but you do know pegasi can steal your luminescence."
"My what?" Sunny asked.
"Luminescence. You know, like… your sparkle. Yours is… lavender!" She looked at Deadpool "And yours is… oh… what's wrong?"
"Oh, me?" He asked. "Nah, nothing's wrong. I'm just in the future where everything seemingly degraded." They stopped as they heard a loud thud. Then it was followed by the silhouette of a figure chasing after them.
"Run!" Sunny yelled. The trio ran through the gorge as the figure chased them. They stopped temporarily at what appeared to be a dead end, but climbed their way up the wall, scrounging up. A sigh of relief came to them as they reached the top, overlooking the clouds… until their chaser sprang up from the clouds and revealed themselves. With a series of hops, the figure was a Pegasus mare with a white coat, feathers that ended with purple, and a short mane that was red with a blue streak in it. The trio screamed.
"It's a feminist!" Deadpool screamed.
"No! It's a Pegasus!" Sunny corrected.
"Woah! A unicorn AND an Earth Pony!?" The Pegasus asked in shock.
"And me!" Deadpool replied. "F##king feminists." The clanking sound of metal was heard. Their pegasus gasped before jumping away.
"Don't tell them you saw me." She told them before jumping off.
"There's no way we could!" Izzy replied.
"I'm a strong male protagonist!" Deadpool yelled. "I don't need a woman telling me what to do!"
A pair of screams were heard. The trio turned to see a pair of pegasi guards cowering.
"Thunder! Get yourself together!" One of them barked.
"B-b-but that's an earth pony!"
"Relax. They're harmless; they've got tiny brains."
"But what about that one!"
"Well, did you bring the shield!?"
"What shield?"
"Um… wait!" Deadpool spoke. "I found these 2 trespassing in your area!"
"Deadpool!" Izzy yelled "What are you-!?" He held their muzzles shut.
"Just play along." He cleared his throat. "Yes, I, Wade Wilson! I seek an audience with your ruler, and to show I mean you no harm, I have caught these two trespassers! And you don't need a shield." He pulled out a cork and placed it on Izzy's horn. "Ta-Da!"
"... huh… we usually use tennis balls." The guard replied.
"... say what?"
"You do show promise, Wade Wilson. Come along, with your prisoners."
Our trio stood in a glass elevator with the two guards. Sunny tried to ask a few questions, and though one was willing to answer, the other insisted that they may be spies. But the sight was beyond what they imagined; Zephyr Heights was practically a city in the sky, with clouds beneath the floating buildings, and various screens showing ads hung around the buildings. It was more or less an advanced version of Bioshock Infinite's Columbia.
"Good day, Zephyr Heights!" The news spoke "It's another beautiful day in the city! It looks like another clear day with light breezes. Perfect for a royal celebration!"
"Royal celebration?" Izzy asked
"Tonight's royal bash will be held for Queen Haven," the other news anchor spoke. "but the real stunning jewel will be princess Pip's performance! Isn't that right, Sky?"
"Oh my stars, yes, Dazzle." The first anchor replied. "And this just in; a new update by pip!" The screen changed to a stream of a pink pegasus with a long,purple mane, and very soft, nearly white wings.
"What is up, everypony?" She asked. "I look forward to meeting you all tonight, and-" the screen quickly turned to that of Deadpool, standing in the elevator with all of the 4 ponies inside.
"Ey yo, wassup" he greeted, putting on a hat backwards, looking like the definition of being 'hip' "its yo boi, skinny penis here letting you all know that I just caught an earth pony AND a unicorn all on my own! Say hi, ladies!"
"Hi!" Izzy greeted, waving to the camera. Sunny tried to hide herself with her journal.
"Yeah, I'm on my way to meet Queen Haven, sounds cool and all, but I hope I get to egg these two while saying the N-word. In fact, let's say it together! NI-" the screen cut to the news anchors looking quite shocked.
"Um… w-we'll get to you right after the break."
Everyone in the elevator looked at Deadpool, unsure of how he did any of that.
"What? It's not that hard to become a social media influencer." Deadpool spoke. Sunny looked down below to the crowd.
"Has anyone seen anypony fly?" She asked. Izzy squeed
"They have a castle!!!" Izzy exclaimed.
They entered what looked to be a throne room, with several guards standing in matching armor sets.
"Bow before our queen!" Horns blew loudly as all of the soldiers bowed. Walking to the throne was a white pomeranian with small wings.
"... your majesty." Izzy bowed.
"Their queen's a b###h?" Deadpool asked Sunny. The dog barked as pop music played, and down from the top came three mares; an older looking mare with a graying look, the same pegasus that was on the screens a few moments ago, and the same Pegasus they first encountered. Though Pip was looking at her phone, she noticed Deadpool and shot daggers at him. They landed, with the dog taking a seat on the chair's arm
"Guards, state your business." The queen announced. "And please make it quick, we're on a very tight schedule today; cloudpuff needs her pedicure, Pip needs to rehearse, and I need to work on my laughter." She let out some very fake sounding laughter.
"Huh, seems my statement is the same." Deadpool replied.
"Your highness!", one of the guards spoke. "A strange creature has helped us catch an earth pony and a Pegasus." Deadpool walked forward, wearing his backwards hat, but now had on a Jersey with a gold chain.
"Yoyoyo, wassup your majesty." He spoke with his best 'gangster' voice.
"... So I see." The queen replied.
"He's the one who ruined my stream, mother!" Pip replied, taking her phone out and streaming it. "Hello my pipsqueaks, I'm here with the rude fellow that-"
"Whattup my b###hes," Deadpool interrupted, livestreaming himself with his own phone. "Yo boy, Skinny Penis here back as I've met total c##t who's already royalty and most likely sells out trash-"
"Excuse me! I'm Streaming here!"
"Well I'm Streaming back!"
"I started the stream!"
"And I'm already popular!" The two had a stare down, both furiously looking at each other… before Deadpool's phone dinged. He looked down at it quickly. "Oh, your mom's following me."
"WHAT!?"
"Pip, please," her mother said, "return to your room and rehearse. You've got a big show tonight. And as for you… um… skinny… penis…"
"It's really Wade, ma'am." Deadpool replied.
"Oh that's much better! Wade, how would you like to be my special guest tonight? After my daughter's performance, of course."
"... It would be my pleasure, ma'am!"
Deadpool rested in a guest room that felt more like a hotel room. Then the door knocked.
"Come right in." Deadpool replied. The door opened and the feminist looking Pegasus came right in. "Ha! Even the writer thinks you look like a feminist!"
"A femi-what?" She asked. "No, look, my name is Zipp, and I know what you're thinking…"
"You can't actually fly because it's really all wires and good lighting."
"... How did you-?" Deadpool went up to her face.
"Strong… Male… Protagonist." He leaned back. "And besides, I'm gonna help bust Izzy and Sunny out."
"Those are their names? Well, I'm helping to, but only because of the journal that Earth Pony had." She held up the journal. Deadpool looked at it.
"Huh. I didn't realize it had Twiggie's butt mark."
"Wait, you know what this is from!?"
"Yep. Don't tell me you don't know anything about that as well." Zipp only blinked. "... F##k." He got up. "Well, let's bust our friends out." He pulled out a desert eagle and cocked it.
"Um… let me do it." They walked out of the room, and encountered Pip.
"Oh… it's you." Pip spoke with scorn. "You better not be ruining my show tonight! Or talk to the prisoners!"
"Oh, if I wanted to, I'd- WHAT'S THAT!?" He pointed dramatically somewhere else. Pip looked back where Deadpool and Zipp snuck away.
"Wait… that's a wall! Wade, you better-" she saw that they were gone. "Of you son of a litch."
A reunion came as Zip and Deadpool helped Sunny and Izzy out of their cell, which was also more like a hotel room. Zip was caught up with the fact that Unicorns can't use magic either, but it didn't stop them from heading to where Zip escaped from time to time. That place being an abandoned station where everyone used to enter, with posters of the other places, with an old poster of the Wonderbolts. The real kicker was of a glass painting showing what is the Pegasus crystal, and a unicorn crystal, which promptly made everyone believe that if they get the two to connect them together, magic would return.
What about that big diamond we found in Sunny's home?
We can't truly break the movie.
"Take it, we're gonna steal the Pegasus crystal from your mom's head?" Deadpool asked.
"It's not that easy." Zipp replied. "She wears it ALL the time!"
"Then there's one thing we can do." Sunny spoke.
"Yeah." Deadpool pulled out some random macaroni and various things for arts & projects. "A switcheroo!"
"Ooh! I can do that!" Izzy cheered, immediately getting to work.
The plan was simple; Everyone was going to be watching Pip's performance. Sunny and Izzy would sneak behind the throne and swap the crowns. If it came to it, Deadpool provided the distraction. Well… it went like that. None factored in the queen's dog would be a variable, but when it came to it, Deadpool acted. The first thing he did was knock out the pegasus on the music controls and, at the right time, EVADE FROM フライト 日 '89 (FRIDAY). The spotlights soon came from Pip and onto Deadpool, standing in a white suit, as the floor seemingly turned into that of a disco's. The beat was hypnotizing, as every pegasus in the crowd was dancing along. But a familiar landshark stood in front of Deadpool, but had on an afro wig with sunglasses on.
"Jeffery!? What are you doing here?" Deadpool asked. "It's my time to shine." Jeffery stared at Deadpool, remembering the times when Wade was busy showing off to other people instead of taking him out on their walks. In those days, he exercised to be even stronger. Jeff hovered in the air and glowed, shaking violently. Though his head/body remained the same, appearing under him was another human body, wearing a grey suit. To say Deadpool was caught off guard was an understatement, as Jeffrey's dances exceeded his. It was too much for Wade as he fell to the floor, defeated. The crowd cheered for the winner of this sudden dance off.
"... jump." Deadpool spoke. Jeffery followed, Jumping off from the body with a simple 'pop'. Wade quickly pulled out his desert eagle, aimed it at Pip, and-
BLAM!!!
The crowd stood silent as Pip fell to the floor. She was fine. Deadpool shot the wire that held her in place. He got up, with Jeff landing in his arms.
"Yeah, the royals can't fly at all," Deadpool announced. "And y'all are bigger simps than Thanos with Lady Death." Jeffery made an annoyed sound. "Oh, ok, and Jeffery has better dance moves than me, and I'm a poopy head." He quickly turned and sprinted out of the room, following the others, but stopped to pick up the fallen pegasus crystal. "Oh, can't forget about this."
"...WADE!!!" Pip yelled running after Wade.
The entire group, plus the wingless Flash Sentry stopped in the middle of an alleyway.
"Hitch, what are you doing here!?" Sunny asked.
"Arresting you!" He answered. "And saving you. So both."
"Thanks for watching Jeff for me." Deadpool said, giving the pegasus crystal to Sunny. "By the way, you dropped this."
"Oh thank you so much!" Sunny spoke, taking the crystal and putting it in her saddle.
"Aww, that's Jeff?" Izzy cooed. "Hi, my name's Izzy."
"WADE!!!" Pip's voice was heard, followed by her tackling Deadpool. "YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!"
"Hey, you're a vlogger, your life is already ruined." Deadpool replied.
"And now everypony knows the royals can't fly!"
"Hey, everyone was gonna find out about the lies. Folks, remember Mini Ladd?"
"Oh yeah!? And what about you!? Why do you always wear that mask!?"
"Literally or metaphorically?" Izzy asked, holding and petting Jeff. Their phones buzzed. Pip and Wade looked it up.
"A warranty is put on the arrests for the princesses." The news spoke.
"Oh no, this cannot be happening!!!" Pip exclaimed.
"I know." Deadpool replied. "I've surpassed you by a longshot!" Pip grabbed a nearby trashcan lid and bashed it on Deadpool's head, knocking him out.
Deadpool woke up in the middle of a room, inside what appeared to be a tree. However, something felt off. He could see everyone wearing what looked like fake unicorn horns, with the pegasi wearing a sort of poncho over their backs to cover their wings.
"Ow… my head." Deadpool groaned, seeing the 5 ponies together, looking over a map. "Sheesh, did I really pull a nerve, Pip?"
"Oh, good morning, ugly." Pip replied.
"Ugly? What do you mean ugly!? I'm the sexiest guy you've ever met."
"Really?" Zip replied. "You should look in a mirror."
"A mirror? What do you-?" He placed his hands on his face, suddenly realizing what they meant. "AHH!!! My mask!? Where's my mask!?"
"Pip threw it away." Izzy replied. "And she showed us the way out, and I helped us all over to Bridlewood. Welcome to my house, Deadpool!"
"THREW IT AWAY!?" He ran and covered his face with a lampshade. "I can't be seen without my mask?"
"Wow, you have more confidence issues than Sprout." Hitch replied.
"If you looked like the inside of Satan's a##hole, then you'd be not as confident as most people would be! … wait… why aren't you grossed out?"
"Oh we were," Sunny answered. "But we agree you could pass off as a nightmare night statue." Deadpool frowned.
"Fantastic. I get to be a zombie statue."
"If it helps," Izzy said, holding a fake mustache made from hay "this can help."
"... Never change, Izzy."
"Cone on, get into position." Pip said, pointing at a stand. "We've gotta find this crystal, bring magic back, and, hopefully, get my mom out of prison."
"... If Izzy wasn't around, I'd cancel your ass faster than everyone is with Jschlatt."
Deadpool stood still in a zombie pose, admittedly scaring the unicorn foals by his looks alone. Bridlewood was more or less a forest with various Crystals around, giving it a more Fey-like feeling.
Fey!? NERD!!!
This place feels oddly familiar… Can this be the Everfree forest?
… Maybe? But look at everypony!
Deadpool noticed how down and depressed looking all the Unicorns acted, pretty much the opposite of Izzy.
"How can we tell which ones have magic?" Hitch asked.
"OOH!!! You said a bad word!" A foal exclaimed. "Quickly! Before we get the jinxies!" The foals around did a ridiculous looking dance as everyone looked confused… and Deadpool sweating hard to not join them.
"Can we get some context?" Zipp asked.
"Unicorns are superstitious." Izzy answered. "If we hear someone say a forbidden word, we have to perform a ritual to ward off The Jinxies."
"Jinxies?" Pip asked.
"Forbidden words?" Hitch added
"Magic, wing, feather, and mayonnaise." Izzy listed.
"What's wrong with mayo-?" Hitch's mouth was silenced by Izzy, with some ponies pausing.
"... Mayonnaise!" Deadpool spoke in his best spooky voice. The entire population of Bridlewood stopped what they were doing and performed the ridiculous ritual. The group quickly rushed into a tea shop, where Izzy's crystal contact was.
Said tea shop looked like a sort of jazz club, with a mare spewing out some poetry. But the real problem was that her contact lost his collection to the shop owner, Alpha Bill. As Deadpool could see, he was a huge unicorn, gray with white a mane & tail.
"I can probably win it." Sunny spoke, walking to the stallion behind the counter.
"Wait!" Izzy spoke, stopping Sunny. "Alpha can smell fear."
"Got it… be cool."
BLAM BLAM!!!
The entire store crowd went into panic.
"NOBODY F##KING MOVE!!!" Deadpool yelled, having just fired his gun in the air. "GIVE ME THAT CRYSTAL RIGHT NOW!!!"
"The statue's alive!?" Alpha Bill asked in complete shock. Deadpool got up and headed over the counter, taking a unicorn horn shaped crystal.
"Yeah, that's right! And none of you are gonna be following us! Magic! Wing! Feather! Mayonnaise, b###h!!!" He ran out of the store, taking the Pegasus crystal with him.
"Deadpool!? What was that about!?" Izzy asked, running and following Wade.
Deadpool stopped to take his breath.
Why did we just do that!?
"I ain't risking the chance to lose the one chance to bring back magic to this piece of s##t world!"
And you don't Izzy in trouble if they find out the others aren't unicorns?
"Also that."
The sound of rustling in the bushes made him jump. Coming out of the Bush was Queen Haven. She looked all dirty, but as she saw Deadpool, her eyes bursted with flames.
"YOU!!!" She scowled as her pomeranian came to her side, growling. "Skinny penis!" Deadpool giggled. "Not only did you ruin my daughter's performance, but you ruined our lives!" The following trotting of the others, and other unicorns arrived. Everyone stopped and gasped at the sight of Haven… mainly the pegasi, seeing their mother was here, but the other Unicorns at the sight of a Pegasus. But Haven wasn't alone, as various pegasi guards were around.
"What are you doing here!?" Alpha Bill demanded. "This isn't your home!"
"Oh, I know that, dearie," Haven replied. "I wouldn't dare dream of living here with you, thieving unicorns."
"Says the brutes! Go back to the clouds where you belong!"
"I will as soon as I get my crystal!"
"Those are my Crystals!"
"Ha! You wouldn't be able to tell a real one from a-"
The sound of guns being cocked were heard, followed by a barrel being pointed at both of the heads of the arguing ponies.
"... I can't believe everything went to s##t after Princess Twilight's death." Deadpool spoke, sounding a bit choked up. "I have no idea how many years have passed since she passed away. Hundreds? Thousands? But I was there by her side, back when ponies were actually friends and were xenophobic towards other creatures. And now…" he was tearing up "now everything she and her friends fought for went down the drain! Everyone hates each other, magic is gone, and everything has seemingly degraded to hell!!!" He was crying hard. "Why can't you be like Izzy!? Or Sunny!? Everything was perfect beforehand, but some f##kers had to ruin it all!!! Ruin the friendships that every generation has suffered for! Because goddammit, Friendship is magic! And we're gonna bring it all back!!!"
Everyone stood in silence as Deadpool was in tears, utterly defeated.
"... I get it now." Izzy spoke, walking over to him. "Your aura… you put on a smile to hide your pain. You really did see everything change drastically."
"... Yeah… though my previous adventure was technically a time loop, this place was the best escape from my real home. But now…" he looked at his guns. "God, I wish I could just end it all."
"But… we can still bring the magic back! We have the crystals! We can-!"
"There's a third one."
Silence.
"A third!?" Sunny asked. "Where!? But we only needed-"
"Connect the two and you'll see a big ass hole in the middle. The third one is back in your place, Sunny."
"Wait, are you serious!? And you didn't tell me!? Why!?"
"Because… reasons."
"We need to get back home! Um, my home, and find that 3rd crystal! Where was it in?"
"I… kinda want to tell, but the writer wants the climax to still be exciting."
"... Why am I not surprised?"
An entire small army of pegasi and Unicorns arrived at Maretime Bay, just outside of Sunny's house… but the entire town had changed. Turns out, when Hitch left to try to arrest and bring back Sunny, Sprout not only took over as the Sheriff, but was now self appointed as the Emperor. Not only that, but the entire town became a totalitarian state, and heading to the lighthouse was an army of earth ponies wearing ridiculous looking metal hats, but what could only be described as a giant, motorized vehicle version of Sprout, driven by Sprout.
"Would ya look at this!?" He spoke aloud "Our enemies have delivered themselves to us!"
"F##k off ya soy ass, Big Macintosh looking mutha f###a!" Deadpool yelled. "We're bringing magic back and ending racism!"
"Oh ho ho! You and what army!?"
"I don't need an army. Find your 3rd crystal, I've got a giant robot to fight." The group of five nodded and ran towards Sunny's lighthouse.
"Oh no you don't!" The giant mech turned around, charging at the lighthouse.
"Oh yes they are!" Deadpool ran and jumped onto the back of the mech. He finally pulled his twin katanas out and began to slice the back, first detaching its tail.
"Hey! That's my tail!" The mech bucked Deadpool, but he was flinged upwards, landing onto the mech's 'face', with Sprout inside. "Ech! You're even uglier up close."
"And you're a b###h." Deadpool stabbed through the glass, where it went through the controls. Loud beeps were heard as the mech went haywire.
"No!!! My new toy!" The match began to spin around in circles, first going slow, then gaining speed, becoming almost a whirlwind. Sprout was pushed alongside the inner walls, and Deadpool held onto his blade, both feeling like they were gonna puke. But in an almost very slow motion way, the mech toppled over… and Deadpool was going to be underneath it.
"This is gonna hurt." The mech toppled over, dragging alongside the floor, with Deadpool underneath, leaving a trail of blood. He screamed loudly, both from his back being violently dragged, and the weight of the mech under his legs, crushing them to a bloody paste. Everyone outside and in the lighthouse stared in complete silence as shock and horror from the sight. Sprout came out, coughing hard, but looked equally as scared
"This wasn't supposed to happen!"
"Ya think!? Genocide is not the answer you dumb-AAAAHHHH!!!"
CRUNCH!!!
He pulled himself out, with only a pair of bloody stumps left behind. The five ponies he was with came out, gasping at the horrific sight.
"Deadpool!" Izzy screamed, running and stopping at Wade's side. "Nononono! Don't die! We-we found the 3rd crystal, and the lighthouse had a place for all 3, but…" she began to tear up. "Nothing happened." She cried, placing her head on his chest. Deadpool patted her head, getting her attention.
"Hey, seeing you fine is much better than being in my spot." He chuckled weakly. His focus turned to the crowd. "Heh… everyone's gathered here… sweet. This is what Princess Twilight would've wanted…" He let out a heavy sigh. "Yep… Friendship really is magic…" as he said that, a glow came from the lighthouse, followed by a huge rainbow explosion, with the sky becoming bright again, but with what looked like the Aurora Borealis. But the real kicker was that Unicorn horns started to glow, and pegasi were able to fly again! Magic had returned! But… at what cost?
"... Izzy! Look!" Sunny spoke.
"I know." Izzy sniffled. "It's beautiful… but Deadpool…"
"No! Look at his legs!" Izzy looked at the bloody stumps. They weren't so bloody anymore, in fact, it looked like they were healing. Rapidly.
"... Deadpool?" Deadpool's eyes opened as he sat right back up, his back fully healed.
"Oh yeah! My healing powers!" He exclaimed. "Totally forgot about that!"
"YOU'RE ALIVE!!!" Izzy tackled and hugged him.
"Oh! Hehe, probably should've told you all that before. But I guess even the readers know… unless they're new… seriously, if you're confused, read the last fic!"
"Wait, you can heal fast?" Pip asked.
"Yep."
"Which means…" she picked up a baseball bat.
"Woah! Let's calm down! We can do some collabs! Get more viewers like that!"
"... Fair argument, I suppose."
A portal opened, followed by a familiar looking cyborg looking man from the future.
"Wade!" He shouted.
"Cable!" Deadpool replied happily as he jumped onto Izzy's back. "You found me! What the hell happened with Modok!?"
"He was a worthy opponent, but we beat him. And I'm glad we found you. Seems Modok had placed you in an alternate dimension that is similar to Equestria, but not only is it far in the future, but almost untraceable."
"... Wait… this isn't MY Equestria? Then… what the hell happened over there!? And which Equestria is this!"
"Ah yes, Equestria 69, the one you occupied, and this is Equestria 420."
"... I knew Modok was a redditor!"
"Come along! The X-Force needs their leader!"
"Um… yeah… see… I kinda don't want to do that Bulls##t on Earth again, and just want to be back in Equestria again… even if it is different."
"... You want to stay here?"
"... Yes."
"Hmph. Fine. And Luna was thinking you should stay apart for a while, so Neara and Gallus can become proper royals."
"Yeah… just tell Celestia to tell Twilight to keep a close eye on Luster Dawn."
"Fair enough."
"Oh! And before you leave… want to perform together?"
"... Are you serious?"
Cable stood on stage with a guitar as Deadpool stood next to him, now having baby legs instead, with a bass. Izzy was behind them on a set of drums, as well as Sunny, with a trumpet, with Hitch, Zip, and Pip.
"Let's get this over with." Cable sighed heavily. Deadpool began to play a funky tune, followed by a particular remix most of you remember from Mortal Kombat 11's Friendship Trailer. It was followed by Sunny's trumpets, Izzy's drums, and Cable's guitar.
♫Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends♫
♫I seen ya I seen ya I seen ya 'round for a long long time
I really I really I really remember when you drank my wine♫
♫Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends♫
♫I seen ya I seen ya I seen ya walkin' down in Klugetown
I called ya I called ya I called but you did not look around
I pay my I pay my I pay my money to the welfare line
I seen ya I seen ya I seen ya standing in it everytime♫
♫Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends♫
♫The kind of the kind of the kind of your race don't matter to me
As long as as long as long as we can live in harmony
I kinda I kinda I kinda like to be the president
And I could and I could and I could show you how your money's spent♫
♫Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends
Why can't we be friends♫
♫Sometimes I don't speak right
But did I know what I was talking about
I know you're working for the CIA
They wouldn't have you in the mafia♫
A barrage of "Why can't we be friends?" continued, with the ponies dancing and singing along, seemingly dropping all of their collected prejudices at once. It became so huge that the various animals, Jeffery included, danced alongside.
Somewhere in Dimension 69, aka, the Equestria Deadpool was in, the original version played over the comms of a ship. Haitch walked through the halls, wearing a spiffy jacket, stopping by and knocking on a door.
"Captain Sunny?" He asked. "Is she ready to go?"
The doors opened as a dragon came out, wearing a maid outfit.
"Oh dear!" The dragon spoke in a french accent. "Zis ship really needs a good cleaning!" She walked past as Hitch entered. Sunny looked out of the window, as Equestria was below them.
"... You've ever seen something so beautiful?" She asked.
"Plenty of times, ma'am."
"Hmm, figured with an ace pilot like yourself."
"A pilot is nothing without their ship, Captain."
"True. And what of the others?"
"Head of security Zip has made sure all of the weapons are ready to use for any emergency. Engineer Izzy has everything in tip top shape, with performances going to excel over 12%. And our info expert Pip has the various files on each known planet, and available blanks in case we do land on a new planet."
"Very good." Another woman's voice spoke on the other line. Sunny moved out of the way, showing an older Flurry Heart on the screen. "Of course, I hope you do expand your crew in the near future with the personals I've found."
"Oh believe me," Sunny replied. "I was more than surprised to see a dragon so eager to clean AND cook for us all. But we will report to you as soon as we can, Empress."
"Excellent. I will see you all soon." The feed was cut off. Flurry Heart stood up and looked outside of her window. Never had she imagined that Canterlot would turn into the most technologically advanced city, with robots around doing manual labor, and the various citizens below, creating and buying new contraptions. But she stopped as she pulled out the Chewbacca plushie Deadpool had given her all those years ago. It was really old, looking like it could snap easily, but she teared up, smiling.
"I wish you could have seen this, Deadpool… I wish…" she hugged the toy, as it made a very weak and distorted growl.
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I have not read this nor do I even plan to add it to my Read it Later list, but I feel like I should point out that you might've tagged the wrong Sunny character tag. If you want the lead character of G5 instead of a secondary EG character, you'll want Starscout, not Flare.
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Ah. Thanks. I'll get to that ASAP
I’m surprised that there is a sequel, I might need to catch up on finishing the first one.
Oof