Sunset vs the Neckbeard

by Autistic Witch

sunset vs the neckbeard day 1

Hallways of Canterlot High, Maine
Aug 30, 2015

It was the start of a new school year at CHS, which meant the 8th graders from the middle school that CHS shares a campus with are now high schoolers, the familiar faces of last year’s graduating class were gone, and Sunset was now a junior. The halls were crowded with students trying to find their lockers or trying to navigate the odd layout of the school. Given that some parts of the school dated back to the 1850’s, right after the Great Appleville Fire, and others dated back to just ten years ago, with many other renovations in between to accommodate the growing population, it didn’t surprise Sunset to see kids that looked horribly lost. Sunset had the spending of many nights breaking into the school to explore or go ghost hunting back in middle school to thank for not getting lost herself on her first day.

“Hey, where are you trying to go?”, Sunset asked after reaching for a lost looking male student.

“The pool.”, the male student replied.

“Okay, walk down that hallway and take your first left. Walk down the hall, and you should see a staircase to your right. Walk down those stairs, they will take you to the basement classrooms.” At that point the male student interrupted Sunset.

“There are basement classrooms?”, the male student asked.

Sunset, controlling her annoyance of being interrupted, replied with, “Yes, there are. They used to be storage rooms but they were converted to classrooms sometime in the 80’s. Now back to directions. Once you reach the bottom of the stairs, turn to your left and walk down the hall until you see double doors on your left. Those are the pool doors, and you’ll be right there.” Sunset finished just as the first bell rang.

“Thanks for your help.”, the male student quickly said.

“Anytime, bye.”, Sunset said, already turning to head to her locker.

If only she knew who was watching and what catching their attention would lead to.

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Outside Sunset’s locker
About a minute later

Sunset had just finished sorting out her books and locker when the single nastiest smell Sunset had ever smelled assaulted her nose. It smelled like someone ran a marathon then bathed themselves in pasta sauce, meat that was well past its best by date, and mayonnaise that had been sitting out in the Arizona sun inside someone’s dirty gym sock for a week and then tried to cover it up with cheap cologne. Sunset could even note a small hint of shit under all that. Sunset spun around, closing her locker, and holding her book bag in her left hand and her nose and mouth with her right. What stood before her was what looked to be a small moon with terrible fashion sense, and it was then Sunset realized the smell was coming from the little moon boy. The boy looked to be 17 years old. He was about the same height as her at 5’ 10”, but he looked to be almost twice her weight. Sunset was not a small girl. She was a fencer and hockey player, so she had decent muscle on her and had a well distributed layer of fat to protect her from hits. This boy still dwarfed her and absolutely none of it was muscle. He was also as white as the paper in Sunset’s unused notebooks. Sunset knew that humans called caucasians white, but even her half Russian half British friend, Rarity, wasn’t actually white. Has this kid ever gone outside? Sunset asked herself in her head. The kid’s hair was a greasy, matted rat's nest. Another indicator that he hadn't washed. Maybe in years. Sunset tried and failed to banish that disturbing thought from her head. This kid's clothing didn’t help in making him look any better. He wore a graphic-T of some anime girls that barely covered his massive belly, cargo shorts with buttons that looked like they were holding on for dear life, and brown sandals with ogre green socks.

“Well hello there m’lady”, the boy said in the most stereotypical neckbeardy voice imaginable.

Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! This kid is a neckbeard. Koi Pond, her boss at the sushi restaurant, had warned her about these people. She said that Sunset being half Japanese and half white would make her an even more enticing target for them. What is this kid going to do? Is he gonna try and grope me, or is he just gonna try to talk me into his pants? Could I fight him off if he tries to touch me? My strike wouldn’t be able to get through that blubber. Run. Okay, if he tries to touch me, I run.

“My name is Obadiah Beard, and what is your name my fair lady?”, Obadiah said with an air of superiority.

More like obese diabetes. No, bad Sunset. He hasn’t actually done anything to you, so be nice. Except assault my ears, eyes, and nose. With that Sunset pulled herself back to reality. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”, she asked whilst bringing her hand down from her nose and mouth, instantly regretting it, but keeping it down to be polite.

“My name is Obadiah Beard, and I was asking you your name.”, he said with his hand out to shake.

There was no way in Tartarus or hell that she was going to shake that hand. “My name is Sunset Shimmer, and I really should be going to class now.” Before Obadiah could protest, Sunset was down the hall and around the corner.

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Canterlot High cafeteria
Lunchtime

Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were sitting at their normal table waiting for their 7th member and group leader to join them when they spotted her walking towards them, acting strangely.

“Hey, does anyone else see Sunset sniffing the air, or do I need to see my shrink?”, asked Rainbow.

“Ah’d still recommend you get checked out, but you’re not hallucinating this. Ah see it too.”, AJ replied, earning a tongue spit from Rainbow.

“Ooor we’ve all gone crazy and are having a shared hallucination.”, Pinkie said, jumping up in her seat and earning a firm push back into her seat from Rarity, who is sitting to her right.

“It looks like she's looking for something.”, Fluttershy added quietly.

It was then Sunset had made her way to the table. Sitting down with a relieved breath.

“Sunny, you okay. You seem... off.”, Twilight said, trying to find the right words to describe the odd behavior.

Sunset slowly lifted her head up from its resting position “There’s a neckbeard in school, and he’s chosen me as his target.”

There was a mix of disgusted and worried looks coming from all the other girls, except Twilight.

“What’s a neck beard, and why has he targeted you?”, Twilight said. That earned her six surprised faces.

“How do you not know ‘bout neckbeards? You spend half y’r free time online.”, AJ asked, not hiding the surprise in her voice.

“Yeah, but not on social media. I’m mostly reading educational articles. Nothing about neckbeards.”, Twilight responded.

“Okay Twi, time for an info dump, neckbeards are white, creepy anime nerds with hygiene and social awareness being completely foreign concepts to them. They are commonly found wearing a fedora and/or a black trench coat, yes even in the summer, but this one isn’t. They are also, more often than not, extremely overweight. This one so definitely is. There are a few subtypes. This one appears to be the ‘M’lady’ subtype.”, Sunset said.

“Could be worse. At least he isn’t the ‘Misogynist’ subtype.”, Rainbow said.

“Or the ‘Vamp’ subtype. I know a guy that was bitten on the hand by a legbeard of that subtype, and he got tetanus from it.”, Pinkie added.

“Legbeards? Subtypes? - What?”, Twilight asked, even more confused.

“I’ll be happy to explain everything in more detail later, but for now, all you need to know is that they often target Japanese girls to chase after them as real life waifus, they rarely give up, and -” Sunset sniffed the air “Oh crap, he’s here.”

Lo and behold, the oh so ‘pleasant’ scent of teenagers in various states of wash and low quality food that has become synonymous with the cafeteria and affectionately named ‘Le Parfum’ was overpowered by what could best be described as Le Parfum’s ultimate form and that hit the room like a brick wall. The girls looked over to where Sinkus Ultimus was coming from, and there he was. Little moon boy was waddling his way to a table that was quickly becoming empty.

“Is that him?” one of Sunset’s friends said. She couldn’t tell which one with their voice being so muffled by how tightly they were covering their breathing bits.

“Yep”, Sunset replied back simply, not wanting to waste precious oxygen.

“Hey, kid! You with the cartoon girls on his shirt! What’s y’r name!?”, Granny Smith hollered over raucous. “My name is Obadiah, and they're anime, not cartoons!” He was now almost incomprehensible due to the food in his mouth. “Ya need ta take a shower. Ah can smell ya all the way over here.” “Fuck off, bitch. You can’t tell me what to do.”

So he’s entitled too. Great. “Did that little turd jus’ call ma granny a bitch?” Okay that was def’ AJ. “Hold on AJ. If he sees Sunset, that can make her situation worse. Just let your granny handle things.” Oh please, don’t get him lookin’ over here. “Fine.” Sunset sighed in relief and turned back to her food.

“A week of after school detention for you, starting today, and go take a shower.”, Granny barked. “Fuck you.”, Obadiah stupidly said. “Two weeks.” Instead of responding and getting himself more detention, he just grumbled and ate his food.

The rest of the cafeteria tried their best to finish their food while holding their breath.

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History class
After lunch

Sunset was already seated near the back of the class, waiting for the rest of the students to finish piling in. She, unfortunately, didn’t share this class with any of her friends.

Once he thought everyone was in, the history teacher introduced himself “Hello class. I hope you’ve been having a good first day. Now, my name is Mr. Strudel O’Apple, but since there are so many O’Apples in this town, you can call me Mr. Strudel.”

“Hi, Mr. Strudel”, the class chimed in unison.

“Now then class, we are going to be learning about the Great Appleville Fire. Now as the name suggests-” Mr. Strudel was cut off when the classroom door swung open, hitting the wall with bang.

“Excuse me young man, but if you're going to be late, you could at least try and be quiet when entering the classroom.”, Mr. Strudel chastised.

“It’s not my fault. It’s such a long walk from the lunchroom to here.” it was Obadiah and he was whining like a spoiled 8 year old.

Don’t look at him. Don’t acknowledge him, and he’ll leave you alone. Sunset keeped repeating this mantra in her head.

“Really, we all got here on time, and we were all just in the cafeteria.”, Photo Finish said.

“You’re all just faster than me.”, Obadiah continued to whine.

“Aw, dwoes the widdle baby want some chweese with thwat wine.”, One of the other students remarked, making steam come out of Obadiah’s ears and most of the other students laugh.

“Okay, okay, everyone settle down. Mr. Beard, please go take your seat.”, Mr. Strudel conducted.

To Sunset’s horror, the only free seat was next to her. Obadiah proceeded to lower himself into the desk. Somehow he managed to not only squeeze himself into the small space but not collapse the structure under his massive weight. Can he bend reality like Pinkie? That's a horrifying thought.

“Okay now, as I was saying, class. The Great Appleville Fire occurred back when Canterville was named Appleville, after my family, the first family to settle here.” Anything else Mr. Strudel said was relegated to background noise when Sunset felt her shoulder being grabbed. Sunset whipped her head in the direction of the fool who would dare sully her perfect body with their unwanted touch. What she was met with was the bloated face of Obadiah. Sunset glared at Obadiah as if she was trying to set him on fire. She did, kinda, want to set him on fire, but with how greasy he is, he’d probably go up like a roman candle. Too much damage.

“Hey Sunset, what do you think of this class? Pretty boring, right. hehe”

Sunset didn’t respond to that. Instead she just said in the deepest, most threatening growl she could manage “Do, not, touch, me.” Sunset turned back to the front of the class and tried to pretend Obadiah wasn’t there.

“Hehe, sorry. So, I was thinking that maybe sometime soon we could go on a date.”, Obadaih said pitifully. “You should be paying attention to the teacher.”, Sunset said dryly. “But, do you want to go on a date?” “I have a girlfriend.” “Oh, you mean a friend who is a girl. I have some of those too. hehe”. That made Sunset pause. She couldn’t decide if he was being willfully ignorant or if he was just that stupid. Fuck this, he’s not gonna listen. Subnuclear option then.

Sunset raised her hand.

“Yes, Miss. Shimmer.” “Mr. Strudel, Obadiah won’t stop talking to me, and he’s being very distracting.” If this doesn’t get the message across then he’s being willfully ignorant. Nobody’s that stupid. Then again, maybe he’s a Keven too. That would change how I handle him. More observation needed. “Mr. Beard, you should be paying attention in class. Stop bothering Miss. Shimmer.” Mr. Strudel was about to continue the lesson when Sunset spoke up again. “Mr. Strudel, could I change seats with some?” “If you feel it necessary. Mr. Planet, would you please switch with Miss. Shimmer?” “Do I have to? Obadiah smells really bad.” “Please do. Miss. Shimmer, please take Mr. Planet’s seat.”

Both students got up to switch seats. As the two passed by each other, Sunset mouthed ‘sorry’ to Captain. As Captain sat down, Obadaih stared angrily at him. Captain just pulled his shirt over his nose and looked straight ahead at the teacher.

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Out front of Canterlot High
End of the school day

As they do everyday, the Rainbooms met up in front of the portal statue before they needed to disperse.

“So, what’s everyone’s plans for the rest of the day?”, Pinkie asked in her usual bubbly voice.

“Home, chores, homework, bed.”, AJ said.

“Work, home, homework, bed.”, Rarity said.

“Same.”, Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Pinkie said.

“No video games?”, Sunset asked Rainbow with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m on my period. So, I’m going to bed early.”, Rainbow replied.

That got sympathetic nods from the rest of the girls.

“I’ve got work, then later I’m going to Sunset’s.”, Twilight said.

“Hmm, staying the night are we?”, Rainbow said in a mock sophisticated voice.

“Yes.”, Twilight said with a sharp, dry tone.

“I don’t have work today. So, I’m gonna go straight home and think up some anti-beard measures.”, Sunset said.

“That guy still causing ya trouble, Sunset?”, AJ asked.

Sunset turned her head to look directly at AJ. “He grabbed my shoulder and tried to ask me on a date during history class.” At this point Sunset turned her head forward again and became more animated. “He wouldn’t take “I have a girlfriend” for the ‘no’ that it is. I had to ask Mr. Strudel to move my seat.”

“Yikes, want me and Flutters to walk you home, Sunny? We can pick up Shy’s car and drive to work once you're home.”

“That would be great, Pinkie. Thank you girls.”

Fluttershy simply smiled and nodded

“What are friends for if not to help keep each other safe from creepy, smelly guys.”, Pinkie said. That earned a laugh from the rest of the girls.

“It’s ‘bout time we all get going. See y’all tomorrow.”, AJ said.

Goodbyes were exchanged, the couples kissed, Pinkie saluted to Sunset saying “Private Pie, reporting for duty.”, making the other girl smile, and everyone started to make their way to their destinations.

Fluttershy, Sunset, and Pinkie began their walk, Pinkie doing her best impression of a royal guard. About five minutes into their walk, the girls began to hear a wheezing sound. “What is that?”, Pinkie asked. Then the smell hit them. The three spun around to find Obadiah doing this waddle-run towards them. After the incident, none of them could exactly say why they didn’t break for the hills, but the general consensus was that they were stunned motionless by how pitiful he was and “Sunset didn’t run, so we didn’t run”. By the time he made it to within a couple of feet of them, Obadiah was doubled over, as doubled over a small planetoid could get, and sweating so much he looked like he was just in the rain. Or was that the grease? Sunset couldn't tell and did not want to find out. The girls’ faces were contorted onto some mixture of a ‘I just smelled a fart’ face and a ‘I just saw my grandpa’s balls’ face.

After a few moments, Obadiah managed to regain enough of his breath to wheeze out “Hi, Sunset.”

“Hi”, Sunset responded, brain still trying to process what she was seeing.

Now standing upright “Sorry if I intimidated you during class today. It’s easy for someone with my powers to be intimidating without meaning to be.”, Obadiah said.

He has powers? Brain finally working again, Sunset’s eyes gained a slight red glow to them as she tried to see if he had a magical aura. “I don’t see any signs of any powers.”, Sunset stated, more confused now.

“Of course you couldn’t see my powers. You’re just a mere mortal. Whereas I am the reincarnation of an ancient warrior given great magical powers to complete my mission.”, Obadiah said with his hands on where his hips should be and trying to look all high and mighty.

All three girls could feel their laughter rising in their chests. “So, you say you have a mission. What mission would that be?”, Sunset said, trying not to laugh.

“My mission is to bring about revolution and bring an end to the tyrannical reign of the United States government.”

That broke the dam. Sunset and Pinkie began uproariously laughing, while Fluttershy giggled into her hand. “This dude’s a 3%er.” HaHaHa “Are you serious?”, Pinkie said in between fits of laughter.

“Stop laughing at me. Stop laughing at me, or I’ll smite you with my powers.”, Obadiah whined.

Sunset’s laughing died down, and she took a step forward. “Okay then, smite me. Use your “magic” and smite me.”

“Well I, uuuh.”

“You can’t, can you. You don’t have magic, and you can’t use magic.” Sunset begins pulling back her sleeves. “But do you want to know who can use magic?”, Sunset held up her hands so they were framing her face, half open and palms facing her. Without waiting for him to answer she ignited her magic, lighting her hands on fire “Me, I am the most powerful magic user in the world.”, she finished, her voice cold as ice.

Obadiah’s face somehow went even whiter. He did an about-face and began waddle-running off in the opposite direction of the girls.

Sunset ended the spell and turned back to her friends. Pinkie was still laughing at the display, but Fluttershy had a more worried look on her face. “Do you think he’s okay? Are you sure you didn’t go overboard, Sunset?”, Fluttershy said.

“He’ll be fine. It’s not like I lit him on fire.”

“Okay, but are you also sure that you didn’t just make your situation worse? I mean, since he thinks he has special powers, and now he knows you do have special powers. Are you sure he won't double his efforts to get with you because of some dilution that your “shared” powers mean that the two of you are destined to be together.”

Sunset face palmed herself. “I’m such an idiot.”

“Don’t worry, Sunset. You’re not an idiot.”, Pinkie chimed in, “You just let your pride cloud your judgment for a second. It happens to the best of us. Besides, things always get worse before they get better. So by that logic, you just made a step in the right direction.”

Sunset sighed. “I just hope things don’t get too much worse.”

Pinkie surged. “Not much you can do about it now. Now start stepping to your house! Flutters and I are going to be late!”

“Oh shoot, right.” Sunset finished.

The three girls continued their walk. This time at a jog.

“You two go straight to your house, Fluttershy. I can make it home just fine.”, Sunset said.

“Okay, if you're sure, Sunny. Bye.”, Pinkie said

“Bye.”, Fluttershy said.

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Katon family living room
Less than an hour before Twilight’s set to arrive

Sunset sat on her family’s couch. Magic journal and pen in hand. Kiba Katon, her dad’s seeing eye dog, to her left. Emi Katon, her little sister, to her right, playing on her hand held. Anzhong Katon, the girls’ father, was in the kitchen, preparing to make dinner. Brigid Katon, the girls’ mother, was in her office doing something work related. Brigid is a professor of anthropology, working at the local Canterville College. Sunset figured she was preparing her next lecture. Sunset, herself, had just finished describing the day’s events to Princess Twilight.

“And you’re saying that there are more of these people in your world.”, Twilight wrote.

“Yep, there’s an entire subreadit dedicated to encounters with these creeps.” Sunset and the others had already introduced the Princess to Readit at this point. “Oh, there are also beard subtypes.”

“You got to be kidding me.”

“Nope, do you want me to tell you the ones I know of?”

“Yes”

“Okay, so the one I’m dealing with is a combination of the ‘M’lady’ type (This type thinks they are respectful to women when they say that.), the ‘3%er’ type (This is a subtype of some other groups as well. They are the 3% of Americans that want to begin a revolution and overthrow the government.), and the ‘Chūnibyō’ type (Chūnibyō translates to 8th grader syndrome and is a Japanese colloquial term typically used to describe early teens who have convinced themselves that they have hidden knowledge or secret powers. A lot of people experience this, but it becomes a problem if they don’t grow out of it after they reach highschool.). There are also the ‘misogynist’ and ‘trench coat’ subtypes. Their names are self explanatory.”

“Yikes”

“That’s what Pinkie said.”

“So, what are your plans for dealing with him?”

“So far, he hasn’t done anything I can get the school involved over. As of now, I’m just gonna need to ride it out, plug my nose, and hold my vomit.”

“Hopefully the school can do something about the smell.”

“Oh, they are. I know for a fact that several complaints about Stinkus Ultimus were made to the principals. They’re gonna talk to his parents about it.”

“Stinkus Ultimus?”

“It’s what we call Obadiah’s smell.” It was then when the doorbell rang. “Gotta go. Twi’s here.”

“Okay, write to you later. The two of you have fun. ;p”

“You’re a horse’s uncle.” Sunset finished off with an insult that is much worse in Ponish.