On Patrol with Sweet Mischief

n3k1dsk1llz #1 · Sep 23rd, 2021 · 1 · 1 ·

This was amazing.

I'm not usually one for these particular kinks, but you packaged them perfectly with your devious (and slightly demented) alp-luachra.

This was hot and I'd love to see more of these two.

I did find some minor grammar errors through out the story. Tense changes, pronoun changes, etc. I can tell that they're most likely just typos. I'm sure you'd catch them easily if you read through it again.

Fun fact, I only opened this story because I also recently wrote a story with a character named Mythic. Mythic Haze, in my case. But yeah, I'm glad I read this. The concept is great and executed well.

B_25

B_25 #2 · Sep 23rd, 2021 · 1 · 1 ·

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You do good work!

LinuxPony

LinuxPony #3 · Sep 23rd, 2021 · · ·

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10987968
Thanks for the kind words. I'll go back through and see if I can catch some of those typos. Tried my best without an editor. Also, i wouldn't call her demented, just immature and has no concept of personal space haha.

10987980
Thanks!

tailsopony

tailsopony #4 · Sep 23rd, 2021 · 1 · ·

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10988083
A few things:
I like the base concept. You could do some neat stuff with this.

You really need to flesh out the characters a little more. Specifically, Sugar needs a little more about their relationship before she is jumping all over mythic. Or maybe go into Mythic's response a little deeper. It comes off as kind of strange. Are they lovers? Friends? It says that they are "family", but in what context? By family do you mean the guard unit? Is she a mascot or something? I just don't know, and it's kind of strange.

Lots and lots of little errors. A few weird capitalizations, a few homonyms used incorrectly, and some straight up missing letters. "Sh" instead of "She". Lots of comma splices. Very basic things that a read through could fix, and there are too many for me to point out.

If there is going to be something happening out of the expected normal, it needs to be explained. Why can Mythic swallow Sugar with no consequences? Is it a power of Mythic's or a power of Sugar's? Is it normal in the world? It feels like it comes out of left field, and without a little extra knowledge is slightly distracting.

I did like the interaction when the sexy times began. You could have played up Sugar teasing her a little more, but it sort of works as is. It depends on what "fetish" notes you were going for here, because lets be honest. This is a fetish story. It'd be easy to emphasize how Sugar was controlling Mythic, or how Sugar couldn't resist the big, glorious slit, or whatever note you wanna play here. As it stands, she sees it and decides "Yeah, I could hit that" and that's about it. I'd love a long drawn out play of Sugar seducing Mythic into behaving badly from a place where Mythic can't stop her, and Mythic finally giving in. You touch it, but it's not very prominent. Any other note could work as well, but it needs to be leaned into.

There is also a little bit of weird characterization for Sugar. Why is she embarrassed about being caught playing with herself if she's willing to just play with Mythic and herself? It can happen, but you need to explain/show a little deeper with her thoughts.

You also reference Sugar as a him and a mare. It can be done, but that's another thing you should probably explain if it was intentional. If not, then they need to be something specific for continuity purposes.

I actually wouldn't mind reading more about these two or their world, but you'd need to amp up some notes for me in the fetish department, or have a little more world building going on.

All in all, pretty good for a first run. You have the capacity to write very well, but this could use another layer of shine. I think you could be a pretty good writer with a little work. Thanks for letting me read this!

LinuxPony

LinuxPony #5 · Sep 23rd, 2021 · · ·

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10988112
This is some really good feedback!

So a couple of things:

I fixed the "sh" problem and the times I refer to sugar as a "him" that I could find. Those were typos though I'm not sure how my spell checker missed "sh" lol.

I wrote this with the expectation that the reader already knew what an alp-luachra was so I spent no time explaining it. In retrospect, I should have not made that assumption but I didn't want to spend too much time on a tangent that didn't seem too on-topic. alp-luachra are based on mythology, and are lizard like creatures that crawl down the throats of sleeping people and live in their stomach, living off the ingested food. Their skin makes them immune to stomach acid and they require little to no air. I should probably update the story with that info.

As for sugars relationship, that's a difficult one because I'm not even sure. For starters, most the guards have no idea she exists so she's not a mascot or part of their family. I had this idea where she was pseudo adopted into Mythic's immediate family but it's not clear exactly what the relationship is. Sugar doesn't understand boundaries and is quite immature, despite being an adult of her species, so sex is totally on the table for her, even if she just met you.

Yeah you're right, I could have done more teasing instead of going straight for it. I though about it when writing but didn't want to give Mythic the chance to stop her.

Yeah the embarrassment thing could have been explained more. Sugar didn't care that she was caught masturbating, she cared because it meant she might get in trouble because she knows Mythic doesn't care for her open and casual displays of sex. I'll edit the story to reflect this.

n3k1dsk1llz

n3k1dsk1llz #6 · Sep 23rd, 2021 · 1 · ·

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10988112
I looked up alp-luachra before I started the story. Google it for more specifics, but I found This. It explains a lot about Sugar and her abilities.

Also, when Sugar got caught on Mythic's back, she was just absentmindedly doing things and not looking for interaction, so she was surprised. That being said, she's the type to absentmindedly diddle herself while laying on her friends back. I figure it's safe to say she's adventurous when she's actually thinking about doing things.

As for the relationship between Sugar and Mythic, it's fine as is for a one off. They're definitely close to each other. You don't bring random people to work with you like that. The relationship definitely needs development if there are any sequels, though.

tailsopony

tailsopony #7 · Sep 23rd, 2021 · 1 · ·

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10988163
While it's nice that the information is out there, it's generally not a good idea to require somebody to do research to enjoy your story. I mean, you can, but it's not the best way to approach an audience, unless you know they are already familiar with the topic to some degree. I'm guilty of that, which is why I try to be conscious of it. Hell, one of the stories I posted a few days ago is chock full of references that you'd have to research unless you are a theology nerd. But you don't need to understand them to get the gist of what's going on, they are easter eggs that flesh out the story for folks that might care.

I can see that there are different ways to interpret Sugar's responses, but I posted what I interpreted out of it. As the author, you want your story to communicate as clearly as possible to your audience. If a reader is confused, it's usually your fault as the author, although it may be a reading comprehension issue for the reader.

They obviously have a close relationship, but it's strange. Mythic talks about grounding Sugar, and gives in to Sugar being "cute". This feels like a motherly approach, but the content of the story is not motherly. It seems like this might be the first time they've done anything like that together, based on their comments. "We have to do this again!" Has their relationship changed now? Generally, taking a platonic relationship and turning it sexual is a pretty big thing to the relationship. Or have they done this before? They don't act like they have. Sugar acts like she's done this to... somebody, but Mythic seems completely out of her element. I'd expect a little more turmoil from mythic about this. Hell, it's tagged as non-con. At least a stronger response than "You're grounded!". Unless they already had a sexual relationship, and have an always consent thing with each other, then maybe this is fine. Since I don't know any of their relationship, Mythic doesn't act like I'd expect based on context clues within the story. This is another issue of surprising the reader with something abnormal. When you have something out of the ordinary, their needs to be a reason of sorts.

Now you got me thinking about it. Hmm... Can I use esoteric references, display strange things that don't seem in line, and get people to understand, regardless? This might be a fun challenge to tackle just as a thing. How far can you press this envelope... Thanks!

n3k1dsk1llz

n3k1dsk1llz #8 · Sep 23rd, 2021 · 1 · ·

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10988342
And the simple fact that this small conversation happened is proof the the art "works"

Yeah I know having to research for a story is a slight fail on the author, but this particular story (as is) doesn't have room for the explanation. It would need an entire chapter for the introduction of the two characters. They need a "meet cute" basically.

Of course, it's not uncommon to be dropped into a story that has established relationships either. It's just that this relationship is not one that most people can readily accept. It's weird. But at the same time, both participants are okay with it.

You should totally write that. Call it...Esoterrorism

Haha no but totally flesh that idea out. So many inside ideas, yet the story is still told. As long as the story follows its own rules, it will make sense and be enjoyed.

Applefai

Applefai #9 · Sep 24th, 2021 · 1 · ·

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Pretty good story man. It was well written with minor grammatical errors.

Here's a few that I found.

You added an extra just here

"Nope, this is as exciting as it gets most days. I told you, there's not much to see or do most days." Sugar just just let out an exaggerated sigh, just laying on Mythic's nose.

Take on the b after yeah and make you you're

"Uh huh. Yeah, bright" She said in a flat tone, deciding whatever it was, it wasn't worth worrying about. "You know, if you board, you could always go in my belly and get some rest." She suggested, prompting a quick response from Sugar.

Add me after wanted

"You wanted out of sight? well I want in and out privileges, so i found an alternative" She said triumphantly as she starts spreading Mythic's pussy lips with her limbs.

Change she slit to her slit

"huf- Sugar, I am going to kill you." She stated as she got back to her hooves, brushing the grass from her armour. 'Are you now?' the alp thought to herself as she started moving her tail quickly and erratically in Mythic's passage as she licked the womb's wall with her long tongue. Mythic went pale, again frozen in place as she felt her pleasure quickly grow. It took every ounce of self control not to moan as she started to pant. She slit became a wet mess, smelling strongly of sex, also coating her tail that was still pressed up between her legs. still frozen in place, she could feel her thoughts getting hazy and her pleasure building.

capitalized Sugar is sugar abruptly stopped and she asked sugar. And capitalize Mythic in leaving mythic

Sugar also went to town on her own slit, rubbing it with the lubrication found all around her as she didn't let up on moving her tail. pushing both mares ever closer to their respective peaks. Mythic felt like she was fighting a losing battle as her edge got ever closer but as soon as she felt her damn about to break, sugar abruptly stopped moving, leaving mythic painfully on the edge of orgasm. "w-why did you stop?" She asked sugar but wouldn't get a response as their was too much of herself between them. All she could do was guess. "P-please I need this. let me finish!" Sugar wasn't satisfied with this. She just kept Mythic their on the edge, twitching her tail but not enough to get her off, all while continuing to rub herself. She was finding this level of control super arousing, getting close to her own edge.

Then should be than and road should be rode.

"p-please!" she cried out, louder then she meant to. Thinking that she waited long enough, and that she was right on her own edge, she did one last quick movement of her tail to push herself and Mythic over the edge. The mare fell to the ground, cumming hard as she let out another load moan. The shear force and intensity of the orgasm, easily expelled Sugar from her passage as she road out her intense orgasm. It was a good minute before Mythic was recovered enough to get her barrings.

Add her after wanted. Capitalize Mythic and make it Mythic's belly

And that's when, at exactly that moment, Sugar got an idea. She wanted out of sight? then she would get out of sight, but it wouldn't be in mythic belly. She grinned wide. "Of course, out of sight." She said, doing her best to mask her new found devious excitement. Mythic thought nothing of it, continuing from the south wall into the garden proper as Sugar slowly scouted backwards on her back, approaching the back of her armour. Reaching the edge, Sugar peered over it, getting a good look at what she had to work with. She could see Mythic's puckered ponut, protruding enough that it could prove useful to reach her real goal. Just beneath that was a long slit, Mythic's most private place and her goal of reaching. She would have to be fast and would have to be nimble but it could work.

Make were we're. Make here in he recoiled from here to her. Add a f at the end of hump to make humpf.

"Well you clearly can't behave so were going home." Mythic stated as she cleaned herself of debris, turning to head towards the castle. That's when she saw it. There was another guard. He was just starring at her, 100 meters away from her. She approached him slowly, making out his shocked and questioning expressing as she drew close. She gave the stallion a stern look. "Breath a word of what you saw and I will end you" She said as the guard quickly recoiled from here and made himself scarce. She watched as the guard ran away before making her way inside. "That was too close. Yeah, grounded. You have a lot to think about" She said as she could hear a faint hump and sigh from the alp.

Those were all I saw while reading. Sorry for an essay of a comment. You did really well on this story, I actually have a vore fetish so it was a pleasing read.

I hope you keep writing, if you can, and want get Grammarly and it'll help, but I also recommend and editor because Grammarly ain't infallible.

I hope to see more from you man.

LinuxPony

LinuxPony #10 · Sep 27th, 2021 · · ·

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10988963
Thanks for the kind words. I have fixed the items you pointed out. Yeah, I'll see about getting a proofreader if I do this again. Grammarly is also not a bad idea.

Applefai