• Member Since 9th Sep, 2021
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Comments ( 58 )

Send forth all Legions do not stop the attack until the city has taken sleeve them all what of the wizard I will break him

Twilight and her friends are making a stupidest decision.

As far as first stories go it's not bad.
Just needs a bit of polishing and it'd be good.

Well I'm kinda a one man team over here and I would love some input so both positive and negative feedback is welcomed!

Thank you guys and I didn't expect this to have so many dang views 😅😅

Pretty neat, though it is sometimes hard to understand it due to the less than polished grammar.

Before I read this, I must know: Which Nazgúl does Frank get turned into? Do the other Nazgúl appear? (I'm going by the tabletop miniatures game lore here)

You reply to comments by moving your mouse over to the right hand side of the comment you want to reply to and clicking on the >> that appears. Please respond to this comment. Which Nazgul does Frank become? Do the other Nazgul appear?

You really need to sort out your grammar (at the very least capital letters in names and new sentences).

Up to this chapter he is no particular Nazgul and no more are in sight.

I'm trying guys grammar in this story will not perfect like most stories on this site. But please don't to basically freak out over something so minor and also to answer people's questions in the next few chapters maybe chapter 8 or 9 Is when I'll hint at the Nazgúl transformations but that will be to fight Nightmare moon

I am not talking about perfection. Those issues make it look like you are not giving enough personal effort to the story.
word pile no make nice book
I would say you have a good idea and that idea carries your story right now.

I'll leave it till next week! Almost next Friday before I make him his weapons!

If frank is new to sword fighting and has to learn, a saber, or other light blade. If Frank is going to rely on power and strength, mace or broad sword.

Few people use shields here. Shields are great for slamming.

Now my personal preference for myself
Personally, If I were in Equestria, I would carry a shovel. A spade. While not a weapon in the traditional sense, it can be sharpened to an axe and would be a good slashing weapon, a jabbing weapon, and the D handle gives it reach. It really is a short poll arm.

But again, thats just me, and mainly because of my Cold Steel trench shovel that I can shave with. It wouldn't work with your character at all, but I thought it would be fun to share.


Frank said as he pressed his foot against the brakes to stop his car as Frank's imagination took hold as he wondered what he had planned for this summer. Oh, right his plants were just one simple word


And managed to get a scholarship at his dream college so it was party time for him but at the cost of his family disowning him over a rumor his elder sibling started about that wasn't true because of jealousy.


Interesting start, though you should start using more comas in longer sentences. Many parts feel like they should have a pause, but simply don't, making it a bit difficult to understand what they're saying.

"Your not dead, So get off the ground"the stranger said lifting Frank off the ground and onto his feet as Frank was very confused "What kind of dream is this? All the dreams I've had weren't as detailed as this...''

"You're not dead, So get off the ground" the stranger said, lifting Frank off the ground and onto his feet as Frank was very confused

"What kind of dream is this? All the dreams I've had weren't as detailed as this...''

When a new person is speaking, you should separate it as new paragraph.

You should probably read through this chapter and look for mistakes, because there are a lot of them. The name of the characters are missing their capitals at the beginning, some sentences are missing spaces between words and words are repeated at other parts, making some sentences illogical and incomprehensible.

The amount of POV changes are a real flow killer. You’ve kinda tossed this together it seems with no story or a way to make me feel interested in reading it. It’s so fast paced and lacking in terms of world and character building I just don’t feel invested in this story. I like the idea but the execution…well it’s terrible to be honest mate. For now I’ll cease reading this mess but I hope you get the chance to go through an rewrite this until then good luck.

P.S. I don’t mean my word above to be negative, hostile, or rude. Just some criticism that I hope you can use to improve this.

talions ring come

Er... Which Ring Wrath is that, and why is he more important than the Witch-King?

talion is the main playable character from Shadow of Mordor and Shadow of War and I'm not going to say anything more because I don't want to ruin the lore of the games

Personally, I will fail when the rainbow takes away his power and abilities, and the main character becomes defenseless. I do not like the carriers of the elements of "harmony" in this story, they are racist .. did not even come up to him asking if you are good? they attacked right away .. I hope that the rainbow will bypass the main character and he will just run away .. if he becomes another slave, I will give up this story. So far, I liked the story because the hero knew with his companion how to get along without racist ponies. I am using google translator from Polish to English, sorry how strange that sounds

I'm following the shadow of war lore so technically it was Isildur's ring originally but now it's Frank and talions

Guess English is not your native. Welp, not mine either and that's not the main issue. Sentences are way WAY too long. When entire paragraph consists of a single sentence (and with questionable grammar to boot) it's almost impossible to comprehend even after reading it a few times.

Example with shorter sentences:

"Finally, made it," said slightly tired Frank as he pressed his foot against the brakes to stop his car. Frank's imagination took hold as he wondered what he had planned for this summer.

Oh, right his plans were just one simple word "Nothing!"

Frank smiled sleepily. The idea of sleep seemed wonderful at the moment. Between school and his job he only had 5 hours of sleep for a while. He knew that he could request the scholarship at a later date, though. He turned the car's knob to park, stepped out and began unpacking his belongings.

Hope I haven't lost too much in this example. Some parts completely eluded me even after multiple reads.

BTW, scholarship instead of scholar ship. This typo reminded me a story of Khatul Madan (a bit more context for the story).

This entire encounter with ponies doesn't really make sense. If he could hear and understand them then why he haven't attempted to talk with them? Isn't it the most sensible thing to do? Especially when the world itself doesn't make any sense.

"Witch" - I've noticed you are consistently using this word instead of "which".

(or the castle of the two royal sisters if you skipped chapter five this is for you)

Who reads books like this? Remarks like this are unnecessary. BTW, have you actually mentioned castle's mane in a previous chapter? It's obvious which castle it is, I just don't think you did.

Also, in English proper names starting with a capital letter. You tend to write Talion as "talion" and occasionally Frank as "frank". Frankly, that's wrong. And castle is actually called the Castle of the Two Sisters. It's actually the name of the castle. There's a name with "royal" in it, but it's the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters.

Talion said as frank began to enter what seems to be a large chamber or a sorta throne room with two thrones

I want to mention that in the past Nightmare Moon during fight with Celestia actually destroyed one of the two thrones (and half of the throne room with it), so there was only one when Twilight came there. Guess this didn't happen in your story.

(OOC I tried to use an app to make elvish writing but that didn't work as you can see OOC)

You can actually make a picture, drop it on some image hosting and add it directly into the chapter. Just make sure you add it as a picture instead of just a link to it. Site will make own copy as I know, so you won't have to worry will it stay there on that hosting or disappear in a few years. I guess you copied text from a site which used custom font to display it. Alternatively, instead of that abracadabra you can write transcription of that phrase in English (how it sounds). It makes more sense considering he heard that.

moans of pain where heared - were heard
use her magic witch currently - which
(The only exception when you used "witch" right so far is in the "witch king").
like she was going threw magic - through
as her friends got to there hooves - their

Have you tried to use Google Docs? Try it. It will highlight at least some of the wrongly used words beside obvious typos.

Technically all his abilities right now are in the ring which he removed, so rainbow friendship laser have nothing to remove from him and he already is pretty much defenseless util he put it back. Well, laser may affect the ring and maybe even grant some boons to Frank since he clearly is not malicious.
Also, attempt to communicate goes both ways and so far both parties miserably failed at that front with only exception that Twi actually considered the possibility. However, elements have a very good reason to attack first ask later since they detected dark magic (which usually corrupts the wielder) and the bearer came from Everfree. The place monsters come from. So, they likely wasn't sure that whatever came out of it is intelligent enough or in the right state of mind to communicate. Frank, on the other hand, had plenty of time to attempt communication. Especially considering he understood the ponies just fine. He even managed to enrage NM with his linguistic "skill". So, there's no language barrier. And yet he only talked with Talion even though simple request to talk this out could have fixed everything as soon as he came out of the forest. He couldn't be sure that will work, but not attempting at all is just stupid. Author clearly did want him to go to castle and craft some gear first, but went in a roundabout way to do that. Just make him appear near the castle, run away from timberwolves and don't let Twi detect his presence until later.

You can't ruin the lore unless you can modify it. But you can spoiler the events and ruin plot twists for a potential player.

still lavender is racist, ponies xenophobia is a fact, they are afraid of all that is alien and what they cannot control. when they enslave the main character of the story and turn him into a literal "dog" on a leash. it will be a reason to abandon history. there are too many character bondage stories like this because the ponies have to be better and that they are only right

Also I might have plans to make another fanfic but I want you guys to be the tie breaker thumbs up means yes thumbs down means no for this comment!

what do you think this other story would be about?

Will you have time to write two at once without abandoning either for a while? We may convince you to start second one, but only you can possibly know is this a good idea.

And MC failed "starting a conversation" roll once again.

"Your not dead, So get off the ground"the stranger said lifting Frank off the ground and onto his feet as Frank was very confused "What kind of dream is this? All the dreams I've had weren't as detailed as this...''

I am lucid dreamer so I would winder if is dream or reality , but even in dream world i would desire to be useful.

Actually I have to do something about that, when I don't feel bored

Again gun blazing with predgudies for reeking dark magic

"Why aren't you helping me yet if this is real?" Frank asked as he got up whipping the mud. Off of his coat and face 'Simple, I can't just yet but I can tell you where those multi-colored speaking horses are.... by any chance are they from your world because we don't have those in Gondor.' He asked as Frank rolled his eyes "of course not and you're making me look crazy to the viewers..."

4th wall

Also he is in situation to fight or be captured possibly die by hostile neighbors so Talion is correct

Griffins were a little more recent but still just long enough for her little ponies to forget about their enemies all around now. Even now Celestia knows the griffins may try again as they saw her ponies as weak and nonbattle ready despite having a larger army and population. But right now the more pressing case was that her sisters banishment was ending this nightmare night and maybe just maybe her baby sister could forgive her if she had realized that what celestia did was a mistake.

Nighmare Moon is angry , vengeful and sorry can shove it
in Celestia's behind. Unless if the raged individual is willing or trapped in position to listen.

And the main attacked cause it looks scary for them and reeks of dark magic

"Your very weak and you almost met Galaxia for a moment your lucky I got to you in time frank," zecora said not aware of his ability to cheat death as she helped him sit up and go to a bed slowly while frank had taken off his armor slowly and one-handed.

I comared what was the cutie mark of Princes Galaxy . prety ipressive but even he wa too much to be

Ok .. what goes next.
He is reasonably cautious with that hostile attack , beside leaving Zecora he could probably expain himself to those hostile neighbours .

Unless if those meet Zecora to clear the mess

Don't worry everything will be wrapped up soon just enjoy reading! I know it takes time to make a chapter as each day I have new ideas and I throw out old ones so it depends on the day!

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