Ch. 2 Booze and Baubles
Berry Punch
The sunlight crept through the blinds again, only this time there was no clinking of bottles or aching pains in my head to accompany them. Yesterday I had been so focused on removing every bottle of spirits, can of spritzer, and box of wine from the house that it took up my entire afternoon.
And that had just been the empties.
I tossed the bedsheet to the side and rolled out of bed, landing on four hooves. It was still odd to get used to walking on four limbs, but not being three sheets to the wind helped immensely. The room was in pristine condition, though the furniture still had enough rings stained into them to look like a Jackson Pollock painting.
The air smelled faintly of air freshener and a nice Sherry with hints of blueberry, probably the ‘74. I raised an eyebrow in surprise. Ponies either had a sense of smell like dogs, or Berry was a bit of a wine connoisseur. Before I’d gotten here the best I could have done was tell you which wine to cook with or whether to pair a red or a white with the entree. I let the sommelier handle picking out the best wines for the customers in the restaurant. Picking out a vintage by smell alone after cleaning a room was thoroughly impressive.
Which reminded me, I really needed to figure out how to get back to Earth. If the show had been any indication, I’d just need to find Twilight and have her friendship up a solution.
I heard a knock at the bedroom door. “Hey sis, you up?”
“Yeah, Pina,” I answered.
“Are you gonna make breakfast again? You…” she paused for a moment, “okay in there?”
My hoof touched the door handle and seemed to latch onto it with suction, and I pulled it open. “Yeah, I’m sure I can whip you up something before work.”
Pina leaned her head to look in the room, and smiled widely. She didn’t say it, but I got the feeling this wasn’t the first time Berry had cleaned up the house and sworn to get clean. It had, however, been the first time Pina had two real home cooked meals in the same day. I couldn’t stand to see the filly eating hay and oats, and made a grocery run so I could whip her up a hearty vegetable stew.
“You go ahead and wait in the kitchen, I think I’ll whip you up some blueberry pancakes today.”
“Okay!” Pina took off in her excitement to wait in the kitchen, while I crossed the hall to brush my teeth and get a drink.
The toothpaste tasted minty and I found myself filling a glass of water to take a drink after brushing. I drank half the water in the glass right after I filled it, then set the glass down and eyed it suspiciously. My gaze drifted deliberately over to the shower and bathtub for a few seconds, then I looked back at the water and picked it up. I put it to my lips and sipped.
Chardonnay.
I spit it out and dumped the rest down the drain, then filled the glass again and took another sip.
Water.
Perhaps the most confusing thing, aside from the bit about “suddenly pony”, was that anytime I wasn’t focusing on what I was drinking it mysteriously turned to alcohol. Either some powerful being in the Equestria universe had a sick sense of humor, or I had a future performing miracles and guiding the lost to forgiveness for their sins.
If I was going to be a pony I’d always thought it’d be somepony like Lyra, but whatever cosmic prankster had dialed my number chose Berry. It could be worse, though. I mean, the drunk background pony was pretty bad, but at least I wasn’t Lightning Dust. The show had never said what happened to her, but I liked to imagine she’d eventually run into some pony like Braeburn that helped her turn her life around and settle down. Friendship is great and all, but what everypony really needed was a little romance.
I refilled a glass and finished off my water. I’d have to ignore the existential stuff for a bit because there was a filly out in the kitchen waiting for breakfast. She may not have been my real sister, but she deserved better than a background pony that needed constant babysitting to function.
The kitchen was decent enough for cooking, and I’d been able to find or buy all the basics. It seemed that my work, “Booze and Baubles”, paid well enough to support myself. I quickly whipped up some pancake batter from scratch, dropped in some blueberries, and began cooking them on a cast iron skillet.
“So, sis, have you heard about the Cutie Mark Crusaders?” Pina asked.
“Huh? What about them?” As far as I knew they were the show’s primary comic relief, constantly getting into trouble in pursuit of a cutie mark.
“I was out playing with Rumble over by Rarity’s place, and all of a sudden there’s this explosion!” She threw her hooves in the air as she said it. “Boom! And they come bursting right out a window. Sweetie goes flying right at Rarity, and oh colt, did she get an earful!” She giggled thinking about it.
Meanwhile my mind was a bit distracted as I cooked and nodded. Rumble was one of the background characters, Thunderlane’s brother if I wasn’t mistaken. He’d usually get shipped with Scootaloo, but there were more creative ships out there. After all, young love was something to be cherished. I could see him going for Apple Bloom, the two of them out on a picnic at Sweet Apple Acres. A weather pony and an apple farmer, there was a story I’d have read.
I flipped the pancake out once it was finished and started another. “That sounds like the CMC, alright.”
“Yeah, I was thinking of asking Scootaloo if I could try out that wagon she’s always towing around, but Rarity sounded pretty upset. I wouldn’t be surprised if they all got grounded for the whole weekend. I’ll ask ‘em at school Monday.”
With the pancakes done I put some butter on them while they were still warm and some fresh maple syrup. I also poured some orange juice for Pina, and set it down next to her plate. For a moment I was worried it might turn into a screwdriver when I took my attention off it, but Pina didn’t yelp in horror when drinking it.
I headed over to the sink and drank some water straight from the tap to quench my own thirst. Checkmate, Dionysus. Pina gave me a funny look. I turned the water off and shrugged “What? It’s fresher this way.”
She giggled, but then got serious a moment later. “Hey, I uh… just wanted to say thanks. I know how many times you’ve tried to not drink so much, and now you even had Pinkie teach you all these cool cooking recipes and… well, I love you, sis.”
My heart broke for a moment at the thought of Berry trying over and over to control her drinking and constantly getting the filly’s hopes up. Luckily, I wasn’t her, and I wasn’t going to let that happen again. Until I got back to Earth, she was going to have the best sister in Equestria. I went around the kitchen island she was eating on and gave her a hug with one leg. “Anything for you, Pina. Anything.”
The first thing you should know about Ponyville, aside from best escape routes in case of changeling invasion, is that it’s a lot bigger than it looks in the show. It’s rustic, beautiful, and whatever other adjectives you want to throw at it. However, it also lacks street signs, maps, or roads. It’s just full of packed dirt, stalls full of fresh fruit, and ponies. So many ponies.
Where was I?
I looked around and spotted Sugarcube Corner. At least, I thought it was... it certainly looked pink enough. The aroma of some freshly glazed pastries was carried out by the wind and I felt my mouth watering, despite the stack of pancakes I’d just had.
There must not have been a lot of ponies that would stand and drool in the middle of the street in front of the bakery, because I immediately attracted the wrong kind of attention.
In a sudden flash of pink and confetti she was upon me.
“Somepony looks like they’ve got low blood sugar!” Pinkie released a hug I hadn’t even realized she had begun, and shoved a cupcake into my gaping mouth.
I stood there for a moment in shock, mouth open and filled with something chocolatey and strawberry flavored. Pinkie wasted no time and started to push my jaw up and down helping me chew it, until I’d recovered and started swallowing. “Thanks.”
Pinkie began to twitch and wiggle like a kid trying and failing to hold still, and tilted her head. “Welcome to Ponyville?” She looked around. “But there’s no new ponies here… oh well! When the tail starts shaking, Pinkie starts baking! Catch ya later, Berry!”
And just as fast as the whirlwind of chaos had appeared, it vanished, leaving me standing in the middle of the street with no idea which way to Booze and Baubles. With a long sigh, I picked a side street and started walking down it looking for my work. At the very least, it ought to have a sign with some crudely drawn bottles on it to give it away. I saw Quills and Sofas and headed that way.
My mind started to wander as I trotted down the street, and I looked around to see more familiar faces. Roseluck, Octavia, Time Turner, Big Mac, Twilight Sparkle?
I yelped as I ran right into her. To be fair, she wasn’t paying attention either and had been levitating a scroll nearly six feet long in front of her.
“Oh, my, I’m so sorry… Berry.” Twilight had already recovered and got back to her hooves. Next to her was Spike, number one as an assistant, but not in the top twenty at preventing her from running right into somepony.
“Yeah, I’m sorry too my mind was wandering.” I stood up and brushed my flanks off with a hoof to knock off the dirt. “Oh, you wouldn’t happen to know where Booze and Baubles is?”
Twilight nodded, and pointed to her left. “Just past Chutes and Ladders”
“Thanks.” I almost started walking again. “Wait a minute, you’re Twilight Sparkle! You wouldn’t happen to know of anything weird going on lately, like humans and how to send them home?”
She raised an eyebrow and looked back at Spike. “You’re… not making any sense, Berry. Have you been drinking some of the adult juice today?”
I opened my mouth to protest, “No! I quit that yesterday… I was just wondering, like, what season is It? No wait, I mean, who is the last villain you beat? Have you met Sunset Shimmer yet?”
Twilight smiled and put a hoof on my shoulder. “I don’t understand, but my offer still stands. If you ever want, I’ll get you placed with a sponsor.”
Of course it couldn’t be that easy, but if I couldn’t get help because everypony just saw me as a “wino,” then I’d just have to change that perception until I could ask for help. “I’d like that, actually. Thanks.”
“Oh… well there’s a first for everything!” Twilight beamed. “I’ll send them over to meet you soon. You better hurry, don’t want to be late for work.” She leaned in closer, “and try a greasy fried egg, water, and some tylenol, it’s ranked second in best home remedies for a hangover according to Happy’s Healthy Home Remedies Volume Three.”
I sighed and nodded. “Thanks, that’s… worth a try.”
As I started to leave, Spike was quick to resume his conversation with Twilight. “So, do you think Rarity will like the gift I’m getting her?”
Down the street was a sign for my work, and I headed towards it. I hadn’t expected my first attempt at getting magicked back to Earth to go so poorly. To take my mind off it, I focused for a few minutes on Spike instead. Maybe I could use him to get closer to Twilight and have a few more attempts to breach the subject of humans with her. If I were to, say, set him up on a first date with Sweetie Belle, I could get closer to Rarity and Twilight.
After all, Spike was a bit young for an adult like Rarity. Sweetie Belle and Spike would be a top tier ship, and it’d give me something to pass the time thinking about at work. Pretty soon they’d have to rename it to Booze, Baubles, and Bachelorette parties.
The bell rang as I entered the shop, and I saw a pony I wasn’t familiar with stocking the shelves. She turned and saw me, “Berry! You’re looking good today.”
I leaned my head to the side to look at her. Pink fur, blond mane, cherry cutie mark. Well that narrowed it down, it’d have to be related to the fruit. “Thanks… Cherry?”
She giggled and nodded. “Who else would it be, silly? Hangover getting to you today?”
“Actually I haven’t drank since, uh…” I scratched my head trying to remember the day.
“It’s Saturday.”
“Oh, Thursday then.”
“Congrats, two days!”
“Thanks, I seem to be getting that a lot lately…”
“Just don’t go cold turkey and end up hurting yourself again,” Cherry said.
I went behind the counter to the register and started looking around. Working retail couldn’t be that bad, it was mostly alcohol and the sort of trinkets and gag gifts you’d only buy someone who was easily amused, or drunk. There were some party favors too, a few books on cooking, and guides to the many regions of Equestria where the best wine varieties came from.
The shelves were lined with everything from aged scotch and whiskey, to hard apple ciders, to wines in varieties I didn’t know existed. I began to examine a couple of the wines more closely, talking to myself out loud.
“Merlot, from Manehatten. Was bottled during an excellent year, a bit dry but hints of raspberry. Malbec, don’t agree with the subtle apricot flavor of this vintage, but a lot of ponies seem to love it,” I mused.
Cherry had come over behind the counter to join me. “Twilight’s got nothing on you when it comes to memorizing vintages and spirits. Have you been able to think of any ways we could increase sales?”
“Oh?” I looked at her. “Sales are down?”
“Yeah, like we talked about earlier in the week. We’re not in the red, but until the next holiday, it’ll be tight. Your last ad campaign worked well, but I think everypony has wised up now.”
I chuckled, “remind me what that was?”
She rolled her eyes. “Anypony that can outdrink you at the bar gets six free bottles, anypony who can’t gets ten percent off.”
“Oh really?” I laughed softly, “sounds very in character for me.”
“We did really good business until you put Vinyl in the hospital for a few days. According to Octavia, that mare has been partying hard since she was fourteen. Too bad neither you nor Vinyl can remember how many rounds it took. I bet you nearly put the bar out of business.”
I gulped. “Sounds kinda shitty of me.”
“Yeah it was crappy, but she was so impressed she gave us both backstage passes for a year. Still, if you have any ideas that don’t involve getting sloshed, I’d love to hear them.”
My throat was parched, “Do we have a drinking fountain or sink in here?”
“Yeah, you’re thirsty?”
I nodded and slowly started to grin. “Yeah… and that reminds me, I think I know a way to drum up a little business… but we need to try a little experiment real quick to make sure I can control it.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Now you’ve got my attention.”
I walked up to a small bistro at the intersection near my work, and looked around at the ponies having their lunches. I spotted Rarity and Fluttershy eating lunch together. At other tables I noted an assortment of background ponies: Colgate, Lyra, Bon Bon, Thunderlane, and even Derpy.
Gulping, I decided to go big. I went over to the table and pulled a business card out of a small saddlebag I’d picked up at work. “Hi, girls, sorry to interrupt, but I have a little sale going on at the store, ten percent off if you let me help you pair a wine with your meal.”
Rarity smiled, “Oh Berry, that’s rather generous. Are you giving out samples?”
Fluttershy was smiling too, watching me intently from behind half a mane of pink hair.
“It’s more of a… magic trick. May I?” I pointed a hoof to her glass of water. “That’s a lovely salad, I can smell the vinaigrette from here. But pairing it with water? That’s simply the—” I adjusted my voice slightly and smirked. “Worst. Possible. Thing.”
Fluttershy giggled and a moment later Rarity smiled and blushed a bit. “You know me too well. I suppose it’s not too early for… what did you have in mind?”
I picked up her glass of water and gestured like I was going to drink it, but then looked away focused on the kind of wine I really wanted to drink at this very moment. I muttered “abra cadabra,” then turned my attention back to the glass of water. “Sauvignon Blanc, the vinegar in the salad will help bring out it’s fruitiness.”
Rarity took the glass of what I hoped was a decent vintage of wine and not water, and held it up to sniff. This was the moment of truth, and I suddenly found myself very nervous. Back at the store I’d been able to turn Cherry’s water into a few whites and even a pink, but I suddenly realized if I’d screwed this up and upset Rarity, I probably wouldn’t be able to sell a bottle of wine for days.
She took a sip and raised an eyebrow in surprise. Rarity then took a bite of her salad and another sip.
“Well?” Fluttershy asked.
“This is… delicious. How?” Rarity looked back at me. “I was watching the glass the whole time, if I didn’t know better I’d think you were secretly a unicorn!”
I took a bow, and came back up. “Oh, some might call it a miracle but a sommelier never reveals her secrets.”
The sound of lightly clapping hooves filled the air, and I realized everypony there had their eyes on me. I looked back to Fluttershy, “Did you want something too?”
“No thanks,” she replied. “But, uh, I have a movie night with Discord coming up. Maybe you could help me find some wine pairings for it? He’s a bit… unpredictable… in what he likes.”
“Sure thing! Just stop by the store.” I looked around. “Anypony else need some wine?”
A dozen hooves shot up at once.
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Can't wait for the next chapter!
Ha ha ha ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha that’s hilarious we’ve now got a Jesus pony can’t wait for more
You cheeky git, I see what you did there.
You mean talked about, right?
10992383
I never could resist a good reference or inside joke.
Thanks for noting the typo, I just got my editor's changes inserted too.
10992329
The 'everything turning to booze' was supposed to be a curse, but then I realize Berry could be the life of every party and perform miracles!
This was unexpected, Berry has Jesus powers.
Ah, good! I personally thought everything turning alcoholic was excessive and a good way to get yourself killed. I like this interpretation better. Also is a loophole.
That confirms it. Berry punch is the Pony Jesus
Sent from Lauren Faust to forgive the ponies of their pony sins