Chapter 3- Walking in Another's Hooves
“What do you think, is he OK?” “This must be one of those humans I've read about!” “OK y'all need to just step back now. If he wakes up, he don't need to be surrounded by all of us!” “Ohmygosh, he so TALL!” Voices floated around in my head. I wasn't sure if it was real or a dream. So I decided to do the only thing I really could do. I opened my eyes.
I saw the Mane 6 ponies standing around me. I also saw that a white female pony with them that I didn't know and I was in a hospital. The white pony walked over and said, “How are you doing, young one?” “I..” I stammered. “I guess I'm okay. What happened to me?” The purple pony walked over. “You fell though the roof of my house.” She said smirking. “I'm Twilight Sparkle. My friends are Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.” At the mention of their names, they said “Hi” but not much else. Then suddenly Pinkie saw my hand. “WOW! You have my cutie mark on your hand! Hey guys! Look at this!!!” As they all looked, Twilight suddenly asked, “Where are you from? Are you from Earth?” As I started to fall asleep, I realized in shock, “I....don't remember..”
1 week later.
One thing I will say about Equestria, the ponies can adapt well to different things happening, such as a human alicorn falling from the sky. But, I digress. The Mane 6 had been very kind to me, in helping that the residents of Ponyville didn't start freaking out at the sight of me. (They started to, but Twilight stopped that.) I had lost all of my memories prior to falling into Equestria. I remembered my name, my sword, how to fly(barely) and use my powers(also barely.) I also remembered the word, “prince.” All of the ponies had been working to help me adapt to living in Equestria. In fact, it was Rainbow's turn today...
“Wake up!” Twilight yelled. I rolled over on the rug and said, “Go 'way. Tired.” She then proceeded to levitate a glass of water over my head and dump it on me.
“Okay! I'm up!” I yelped. I jumped up and shook myself off.
Twilight laughed, “You can't be late for your date with Rainbow! She'll be waiting for you.”
I blushed, “It isn't a date, Twilight. “We're just going to fly around Cloudsdale. “I bet.” she said. “I've seen how you look at her when she isn’t looking.” “Twi!”. She laughed and walked downstairs.
After she, Spike and I had finished eating, we heard a knock on the door. “I got it, Twi.” I said, walking to the door. Opening it, a rainbow colored blur rushed in, knocking me to the ground.
“Come OONNN!” Rainbow said, flying in circles. “Geez, are all humans this slow?” “Rainbow!” Twilight said, walking in. “Don't say things like that!”
“It's fine, Twi.” I said, jumping up. “Come on Rainbow.” Rainbow knocked me in the head and flew out the door. “Have fun, Starlight.” Twi said, with a mischievous smile. I shook my head and walked outside, shutting the door.
Rainbow showed me around Cloudsdale,(It was BEAUTIFUL). We finally reached the racing track. “This is where I've been smoking people since I was a little filly.” she said. I looked around a bit and smiled. “So you say you're the fastest flier in Equestia? Wanna race?” I said. “Sure, if you wanna just lose!” Rainbow said.
Fluttershy was in Cloudsdale, so she counted for us to start. “3...2....1...go?” she said in a soft voice. Rainbow and I took off. As we flew, I couldn't help but admire Rainbow. Even in the middle of a race, she still looked beautiful......Focus Star! As I almost hit a cloud, I heard Rainbow laughing at me. As I flew after her, I felt something hit my back between my wings.....HARD. Suddenly I wasn't able to fly and I fell like a rock. “Oh nooooooooo!!” I yelled. “Rainbow! Help!” But as I fell, I saw a shadowy figure heading toward me...
Let's Review: The Legend of Starlight! Pt 3: Oh my god, he just ran in...
All right chums, let's do this!
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...Ahem. Quite. As the picture will tell you, this chapter is rushed beyond all recognition. You need to take a new line for every time the speaking person changes, because I'm honestly not sure who is talking of the main cast here at any one time. So you wake up, and miraculously for you, the ponies have already heard about humans. That saves a lot of work on your part, at least. And all the main cast are here when you wake up, how quaint. Personally, it would be more interesting if it was just Twilight, or possibly even Spike, to wake you. Maybe with Twilight about to begin testing? That could be funny. This is just... bleh. It's not terrible, it just kinda happens. The ponies don't really say much, then Pinkie butts in, being the usual hyperactive ball of fuzz we know and love. Cue sudden blackout, to avoid having more than five seconds of introductory dialogue with the main cast.
<1 week later>
*Spews tea and German expletives* WHAT?! A WHOLE WEEK?! Why in the nine hells do I not remember any of that? Oh, apparently someone set me up on a date with Rainbow Dash... brilliant. Must be 'welcome to Equestria' customary hazing, I'm sure. Huh? Someone nerfed my powers? Bu-huh-wibber.... SUPER SAYAN! Come on, can I at least have that back?
You get the picture. You take the lazy option here, again, taking your character out of action so you can summarise ( *groan*) his actions for the week, thus removing any possible character interactions that might actually be interesting. The ponies seem awfully accepting of the alien in their midst, and he seems to be taking this remarkably well... for a robot. We're told rather than shown that his powers are decreased, and that you don't remember much. You know, things which might have some kind of emotional impact on Star... loss of identity, feelings of inadequacy... you even stripped him of possible familial angst by removing his memories of home. Just about anything that could give him some kind of depth has been almost surgically removed here.
No description of scenery, no description of what characters are doing at any given time... no description, ever, in fact. Just summarised actions and minimalistic dialogue crammed into the fic to attempt to slow the ridiculous pacing. You went from 'just arrived' to 'racing date with RD' in less than 500 words... by skipping a large portion of potentially interesting and character developing story, and then telling us what happened in a vastly less interesting manner. Star once again asserts his status as a minion of Skynet by showing none of the associated mental trauma consistent with massive retrograde amnesia. Not even talking brain damage here, I mean the associated loss of identity from not knowing who you are besides a name and how to use some of your magic. It's like you're writing a synopsis for another fic, one which actually goes into detail over what the characters do in the largely skipped areas, and shows how they interact and develop in interesting ways. Sorry love, I didn't come here to read the wiki entry on an interesting story, I came here to read an actual interesting story.
It's not even like you have a lack of material here. You have his arrival and the associated introductions, speculations, arguments and such. His settling in with Twilight, presumably, and how that works out. You have his ongoing retrograde amnesia, which would likely be a source of immense stress for him as he tries to remember who and what he is, with only ponies as a reference. You have the reactions of other ponies to the obvious alien, the reactions of the princesses to the obvious alien arriving in their realm, and his stress over being different from his 'peers'. There's the problems with remembering how his powers work, and Twilight's interference with that (you know she'd want to experiment with the alien's magic- potential for magical hilarity, if that's your thing). There's even this tension with Rainbow Dash, which you seem to be attempting to build. Not sure on that one. If it's romantic, sorry, you fail so far due to lack of actual character interaction. If it's just friendship, well, they feel like acquaintances due to the same, really. Pretty much all of your problems come down to poor pacing, and not knowing when to show information rather than tell it. Not that you should show all the time, but here... you need to show dramatic points, in order to make your story interesting. Show us how the residents of ponyville freak out, for example. Show us more of the main cast being supportive... well, I can see Fluttershy doing that, once she gets over her fear of the big alien thing... but RD and AJ? They'd be suspicious of it, methinks. Most importantly, show us what Star thinks, because the pacing has rendered him a faceless robot so far.
The last scene in Cloudsdale is pretty much standard at this point. Sudden jump cut to location, telling us it is 'BEAUTIFUL' but not actually bothering to describe anything, sudden jump to racing track. Awkward semi-in character dialogue from RD, counter with bland challenge from Star, and then suddenly RD pulls Fluttershy from her heiny to direct the race. Not even a 'hey Flutters, you mind giving us a count down from three?!', just suddenly there, then suddenly counting. No real description of the actual race, just little hints that Star may have a crush on RD and occasional actions of the racers. And then a challenger appears! Something swats our dear Gary Stu from the skies like an overgrown housefly. A wild mysterious thing appears (suddenly)! It somehow manages to be shadowy despite the midday sun in the middle of the sky, no mean feat in and of itself, heading towards our hero... the suspense at this cliffhanger is gripping . Or it would be, if you hadn't rushed and had bothered to build dramatic tension. There are plenty of guides on the 'net on this kind of thing, for the record.
If you noticed my (sudden) overuse of the words 'sudden' and 'suddenly' in the last paragraph... well, that's because it sums this fic up quite well. Everything happens with little preamble and often seemingly at random. There is no description to mark the (sudden) appearances and disappearances of characters. When in doubt, they just turn up, I guess. As I said, at the root of almost all of the problems is the abominable pacing and lack of showing what is going on. It makes the fic at once confusing to read, and also not interesting in the slightest, because we don't see enough of the characters to build any emotional investment in them. They seem flat, because they aren't given enough screen time to develop a personality. We basically don't care about them, so their actions don't bother us. Part 4 coming soon. Not sure how much more I can write on this topic without repeating myself too much, to be honest.