Chapter 22: No Strings Attached
Sometimes, it was amazing just how long a pony could keep talking. There was a certain amount of self-aggrandizing auteurism that, when mixed with an endless supply of hubris, that made many a high-brow noble put so much effort into saying nothing of consequence in an overly flowery way. Those seeking the Kingmaker’s approval tended to gather with their various pitches to gain Fancy’s favor as a sort of knock-off Princess Celestia of the noble class.
Talk alone rarely wowed Fancy Pants, especially if he couldn’t understand it. In his experience, irreducible complexity usually meant an idea hadn’t been thoroughly explored, or the proposer was actively trying to mislead with obfuscating jargon. It took more than an impressive vocabulary and big numbers to sway his sensibilities. Fortunately for them, he had the patience to listen to their drivel. He was content with smiling and nodding along as the presenter stuffed enough padding into their spiel to stop a speeding wonderbolt.
However, the same could not be said for his royal companion.
“Pray tell, in what world would such a needlessly complicated food stamping system be necessary?” Luna asked with mounting impatience.
“It’s simply to show a known seal of quality, your highness. Those here and abroad will know they are eating only the absolute finest of fruit on the market,” the pompous stallion assured while beaming an award-winning smile. Either the unicorn across from them was as dim as his dark yellow fur, or he truly thought he was about to pull one over on a millennia-old alicorn.
“By ensuring that each piece of fruit has a sticker of the Royal Sister’s seal placed upon it? Do you desire each single, solitary grape to have a hazardous irritation to be peeled off before partaking in something that supposedly meets our approval?”
“Well, I hadn’t considered going that far, but ideally, yes. And perhaps if it increases sales, we could move to label the vegetables as well!”
Fancy resisted shaking his head in dismay. He wasn’t sure if the poor dolt was trying to salvage the conversation or simply too thick to read between the heavily bolded and italicized lines.
“And surely this has absolutely nothing to do with your adhesive business, Sticker Star,” Luna remarked with a deep frown.
After that retort, the stallion’s sweat was starting to show some self-conscious reflection. “Just a happy coincidence, I assure you, your highness.”
Luna scowled and whipped her head to her friend while glaring sidelong at the noblepony across from them. “Is this inane level of farcical nonsense normal for you, Fancy Pants?”
“If anything, it helps pass the time if they’re at least humorous, your highness. Although I tend to try acting a bit more tactfully in front of the pony proposing the idea.”
“Tact? Ha!” the princess snidely mocked, pointing a hoof at Sticker Star without deigning to look at him. “At least the gentry of yesteryear had the boldness to simply make their stupid demands known without indulging in the sound of their voices! Why should we maintain the veneer of politeness when this one insults our intelligence by wasting our time with such blatant self-serving proposals?”
“Luna, may I remind you that Mister Sticker Star is standing right there.”
“Indeed. Frankly, it boggles the mind why he hasn’t already tucked tail and fled.” Luna tossed her nebulous mane and looked upon the shrinking noble with contempt. “Unless your idea is solely meant to give goats more inadvisable material to chew on, your proposal for placing such inedible waste on foodstuffs is rejected, outright and forevermore. Now, begone!”
Sticker Star barely managed a polite bow before retreating to the safety of the other side of the venue. The sight brought a few snide smiles and whispers to the ponies watching the scene play out. To whom or what their haughty comments were aimed towards, neither of them knew. Luna’s eyes flickered about the room as the rest of the art exhibition’s attendees went back to their normal business. Despite being the alicorn in the room, Luna still didn’t like being the center of attention, and she quickly ducked towards a refreshments table and started pouring herself a drink.
“My hope was to meet acclaimed artists from every corner of Equestria,” the princess bemoaned as she pondered the color of her milky coffee. “We did not realize the true purpose was to simply attend.”
“If I may, Luna. I believe part of the reason Princess Celestia asked you to attend was to get to know some of the more important ponies within Canterlot.”
“Important?” Luna clicked her tongue as she carefully looked over her shoulder at the other guests. “We see no reason to hold any one of these ‘nobles’ in higher regard than anypony else! Just as before, those with titles ride the tails of superior ancestors. As for these newer, wealthier ones, we should fine them for wasting what little hours we have in the night and completely drain the arbitrary number of bits granting them a semblance of power. Why should their value be above an honest farmer or a fastidious cook?” Luna downed her cup before blanching at the taste. “At least Athena can make a decent cup of coffee!”
“Perhaps I should introduce you to Commander Spitfire? I saw her a while ago and I’m sure you two would get along swimmingly considering she probably has no desire to be here either.”
“While I would enjoy nothing more than speaking to a real pony until this party is over, my sister requested that I do my best to mingle outside of my comfort zone.” Luna sighed and turned to admire another painting of a pony drawn completely in curves lost in a world of polygons. “I am meant to gain a greater understanding of modern Canterlot’s inner workings, but it feels more akin to a trial of patience. I do not suffer fools, Fancy Pants, and this is a grand parade of foolishness.”
“I’d agree with that sentiment for the most part, your highness, but don’t pay that idiot Sticker Star any mind,” a familiar, collected pegasus called as she approached the two. “While the stallion reeks of desperation, some of us know how to treat royalty.”
“Good evening, Miss Heights.” Fancy offered a polite bow before turning back to Luna. “Your highness, this is—”
“Lofty Heights,” Luna commented rather than greeted. “It is a pleasure to finally meet you within the waking world.”
Lofty smiled and bowed politely. “I’m honored that you know my name, your highness.”
“Yes, your face is one I often encounter within the Dreamscape,” Luna stated neutrally.
“I am unfamiliar with the place, but I do hope they caught my good side, Princess.”
Sensing something amiss, Fancy took to the pegasus’ side to properly introduce the two. “Lofty Heights is a neighbor of mine as well as one of the most prolific real estate moguls in Canterlot.”
“Ah, a member of the modern landowning gentry. That would explain it.” Luna nodded in understanding. “The honor is mine, Miss Lofty Heights.”
“I do apologize if Sticker Star tainted your experience this evening. Canterlot is no stranger to paperwork, but that stallion should know better than to try pushing his half-baked labeling solutions onto others so desperately.”
“Agreed, Lofty Heights, though it does make me wonder if you had an idea for me to hear as well.”
Lofty chuckled to herself. “Heavens, no, your highness. Unlike Sticker Star, I’m already doing quite well for myself. Besides, any property offer I could make would be a complete waste of your time. That being said, feel free to ask if you ever want to downsize or need a seasonal getaway. Going along with Fancy’s line of thinking, I’d rather consider this a neighborly greeting with how close the castle is to my more humble abode.”
“Then well met, Lofty Heights. What brings you to this party?”
“Oh, the usual,” she answered with ho-hum bemusement. “To see and be seen, perhaps participate in the auction if I see something of value. Quite the routine for any of these parties I go to. There is also, of course, catching up with any goings on that I was unaware of. For example, after that rather embarrassing display, I’m certain his business’ days are numbered.”
Looking back at the shell of the stallion trying his best to talk to other guests as they rolled their eyes or walked away. The wealthy pegasus tsked with a pitying headshake seeping with derision. “Poor oaf just can’t secure a contract to save his hide. And to be so openly silenced by both of you at once? I thank you for sticking Star in his rightful place so publicly.”
The news caught the princess off guard as she traced the ground with a hoof. “O-oh, we did not mean to…”
“Please, your highness. You needn’t concern yourself with it. If it wasn’t you it’d just be more ponies in a long line of rejections. If anything, this merely expedites the process. You snapping him back into reality is a small mercy in my view, putting his puerile idea in the trash while he still has some money in the bank.”
“Not necessarily,” Fancy interjected, hoping to inject a silver lining into the topic. “Stellar Labels still has plenty of customers last I checked. He could still surprise us.”
“A one-track mind like his? Hardly. If that company has a future, it will be without him at the helm. Product will only carry you so far without good business sense, and somepony with glue for brains like him can only go so far. Without a board though, it’ll be a matter of convincing him to step down before the situation becomes unsalvageable. Shattering what little illusion of pride he was clinging onto should be more than helpful. It will make mine and Upper Crust’s jobs easier.”
“Hers is another name we are familiar with,” Luna remarked. “Though it stems more from her dealings with the Empire than nightmares.”
“Yes, Horst Holdings was the first to capitalize on that crystal opportunity. A play like that getting royal attention from two nations will turn heads no matter who you are. I’ve known Upper Crust for a couple of years now. As two outsiders breaking into Canterlot, we’re practically birds of a feather.”
Luna blinked. “Odd. It is my understanding that Upper Crust is an earth pony.”
“Yes she is, your highness,” Fancy clarified. “The two simply share similar life trajectories.”
“Ah, I see. You are two halves of a coin,” Luna remarked with self-satisfaction. It was short-lived as her smile slowly strained with her confused audience.
“Yes, well.” Lofty shot a quick look at Fancy before focusing back on the princess. “While I broke into the market from Cloudsdale, my friend has been trying to plant a firm hoof in the calcifying Canterlot markets for years. Now that she’s hit her stride, I plan on going along for the ride by expanding into the north as well. It will be nice to finally have some civilized land in the Frozen North.”
“Now now, Miss Heights,” Fancy admonished. “It is simply a matter of cultural difference. Yakyakistan is perfectly civilized.”
“Not enough to risk losing another ski lodge near those stomp-happy buffoons,” Lofty spat as she regarded Fancy Pants with icy contempt. Luna’s feathers bristled the princess at the sudden change. “Even the fact you didn’t miss a beat knowing exactly who I was referring to speaks volumes about those barbarians. While you might’ve had to suffer them during your diplomatic days, Sir Fancy Pants, I’ve only had the misfortune of dealing with one yak in my life on a regular basis. Outside of his rent payments and checking to ensure he hasn’t destroyed the apartment, I plan on keeping my distance.”
The mare wiped away her frown with a small smile. “But that is all in the past. Now that we have the Crystal Empire to turn to, it’s only a matter of time before we can build a proper wintery getaway. With the new Imperial princess’ permission, of course.”
“I see,” Luna said as she stiffened with regality. “I must say, the portrayals were most accurate in capturing your nature, Lofty Heights.”
“Why thank you! I might not be blessed with the Kingmaker’s perception, but I do pride myself on knowing a good thing when I see it. Speaking of new princesses, your highness, how are you finding Canterlot since your return?”
“It may be different in many ways to the Equestria of the past, but it tends to rhyme more often than I would prefer.” The princess’ eyes scan the room, noticing the slight attention being paid to them from the quiet observers engaged in their own conversations around them. “However, with the help of good friends, I’ve found the strength to continue adjusting to this modern Equestria.”
“That’s wonderful to hear. I do hope we can become friends as well, or at least good neighbors. I can only imagine how busy you must be since you came back. I’m honestly surprised to see either of you here.”
“Oh?” Fancy asked as he was brought back into the conversation. “I can understand the princess with her royal schedule, but attending an event like this isn’t too out of the norm for me.”
“That would’ve been true before the holidays, Fancy Pants. I rarely see you leave that prime piece of woefully underdeveloped real estate of yours. The Festival of Flakes was an unmitigated disaster, but you really should make an effort to get out more. We all know it was that loathsome DJ’s fault anyway.”
Brushing the jab at his houseguest aside, Fancy tried to think of something to counter the claim, but it had been a while since he’d been out of the house. “I suppose I haven’t been making enough time to get out and about. I’ve been rather busy since then.”
“So I’ve heard. After your weird attempt at damage control, the only outings of note anypony has noticed are your private tea times with Princess Celestia. Speaking of which, word from the castle seems to suggest it’s been permanently rescheduled for later in the day to dusk.”
“I didn’t realize such a change was newsworthy.”
“It wasn’t until tonight,” she said as she looked towards the princess.
“Explain,” Luna commanded.
“With respect, Princess, you can’t be serious! Between your presence tonight, tea at sunset just when you’re waking up, and that story of you two embracing on the Drive, is an explanation all that necessary?” Lofty snickered at the proverbial writing on the wall. “After all of these years, the Kingmaker is finally making a move to king himself.”
A gamut of embarrassment played at the princess as she staggered back. “Such impudent—the good Sir Fancy Pants is our escort!”
“That is as plain as day, your highness. Or rather, I can clearly see it.”
“I know what that expression means, Miss Lofty Heights!” Luna bit back, frowning deeply as she attempted to collect herself. “He serves as a faithful guide to help navigate these treacherous noble waters, but why I even bother with such inanity lies beyond my comprehension!”
“Forgive me, your highness. I understand if it might be embarrassing to have a little of your private life exposed to the public, but really, it’s nothing to worry about. They’re just harmless rumors. Headline fodder for the presses. Even if it’s fake, just have a little fun with it. You’ll outlive any story either way, right Princess Luna?”
“But what of the lives they affect in the present?”
“The effects? What, on Fancy Pants? Because falling in love with royalty is such a terrible thing,” Lofty joked with a growing, dismissive smile. “He’d join the miserable ranks of Prince Shining Armor who suffers living in a crystal castle with his beautiful pink princess. Truly a fate worse than death.” The pegasus unfurled a wing to hide her cackle ringing the haughty death knell of a thousand eviction notices.
“And what if Fancy’s heart belongs to another? Would a royal affair be so harmless then?”
“I beg your pardon, your highness, but you must not be aware. It’s very well known that Fancy is the most eligible bachelor in Canterlot. True, there was a flash in the pan when Fleur de Lis showed up out of the blue, but that airhead quickly put an end to that line of thought after making some less-than-subtle moves on several noblemares. Suffice to say, if there was somepony else significant in his life aside from you, it would’ve most certainly leaked by now.”
Luna sputtered helplessly, having lost all sense of decorum. Instead of swallowing the steady heat rising in her cheeks, she released it in a frustrated yell. “Enough!” Luna commanded with a stomp of her hoof. “We have had more than our fill of this insipid event!”
Luna’s horn surged to life as Fancy tried to stop the tirade. “Luna, wait! There is no need for—”
“If the true purpose of such a gathering is an excuse to spread salacious lies rather than to enjoy the artistry of others, then we desire no part of it!” In a burst of midnight magic, the princess flashed away from the room, leaving behind stunned onlookers staring blankly at Fancy and Lofty.
“Well, that princess sure doth protest too much, wouldn’t you agree, Fancy Pants?”
The stallion sighed as he brought a hoof to his forehead. “While I would assure you that our relationship is purely platonic, I doubt anypony is in the mood to accept that as the truth.”
Lofty offered a simple shrug of her shoulders. “Why bother with that when the story through the grapevine is far more enticing? Honestly, it’d make a lot of sense if you were holding out for a princess all these years. If I were a more shameless mare looking for untapped riches, I might’ve made my own pass at you. But again, I don’t like wasting time.”
“And what would you call that interaction?”
“A little bit of information gathering with a miscalculation in mare talk. Nothing more. Was never good at idle chit-chat in the first place, despite being from a weather town.” Lofty whisked away some champagne from a passing server with a careful flap of a wing. “Still, if the princess is going to be like that, I might wait until she’s a bit more adjusted to Canterlot to try ingratiating myself again.”
“You might be waiting a while, Lofty,” Fancy asked while biting back his words. The princess needed friends, not power players like the pegasus.
The mare smiled from behind her sparkling wine. “You would know best.”
“And how do you figure that?”
“Outside of Princess Celestia, yours is the only name that ever comes up when Princess Luna is mentioned.”
“Really? And who would be the one bringing that up?”
“Who’s to say? I was more interested in confirming the validity of the claim than the source. All I know is that you two are the buzz around the castle.” A suspicious glint sparked in the mare’s eyes as she pondered aloud. “Well that, and then there’s your more recent behavior.”
“At the risk of falling into an obvious trap, what behavior are you referring to?”
She belted another laugh before collecting herself. “Far be it from me to be a nosy neighbor, but I couldn’t help but notice the lights being left on far later over the last few weeks as you’ve supposedly been keeping to yourself. Just putting two and two together, Fancy. A little midnight rendezvous with our moonlit leader perhaps?”
Fancy opened his mouth to correct the record, but Vinyl was supposed to be laying low while the Screech was being forgotten. Seeing the blame cast on her earlier, it’d be best to let the rumor mill grind away at this royal nonsense for now. “Nothing of the sort, but whatever I might say on the matter truly doesn’t matter at the moment. For now, I should find Princess Luna.”
“Don’t you mean ‘Luna,' lover colt?” she lightly amended, having caught his slip in decorum. For all of his diplomatic experience, Fancy couldn’t help but glower with his patience wearing thin with the mare. “Oh, don’t be like that. It’s your fault for being single so long anyway.”
“Two feathers indeed,” Fancy muttered under his breath and bowed curtly. “If you will excuse me.”
A brief search of the gallery revealed a distinct lack of royalty in attendance, to the dismay of the guards tasked to watch her for the evening. Fancy retrieved his overcoat and ventured out into the cold streets of Canterlot to find the princess. The problem now was figuring out where she would’ve whisked herself away to. A powerful alicorn could quite literally be anywhere, so it became a question of scope. If she truly wanted to be alone, she’d have retreated back to the castle or started working the Dreamscape. If she needed a friend, there was only one other logical location. In either case, Luna would probably want a coffee before continuing her night.
Thankfully, despite the mid-winter chill in the air, there was no snow to trudge through as he made his way to the Labyrinthiyum. He descended the stairs and tried to open the door, only to find it locked tight. Since he had made it beyond the stone gate, that meant his instincts were probably on-target as he politely knocked on the warm wood.
“Athena? Would you mind opening the door?”
There was a twinkle of dark blue from the other side as it clicked open. Letting himself inside and locking it, he calmly trotted over to the bar, taking his seat next to the princess facedown on the counter next to a mostly empty coffee cup and a worried minotaur refilling it.
“Good evening, Athena.”
“Being the arbiter of such matters, we declare it to be a most terrible evening,” Luna interjected before such pleasantries could be exchanged, earning a sigh from Athena.
“She’s been like this since she popped in,” Athena clarified as she topped off the princess. “From her attitude, I’m guessing Bold Strokes’ exhibition was a bust?”
“A fair assessment,” Fancy agreed. “Personally, I found it to be nothing much out of the ordinary.”
Luna tilted her head, allowing her tired face to be seen. “That is the norm? How you have the patience for such dribble astounds us.”
“Former diplomat, remember? It is one of the few times I consider tolerance a virtue. Besides, it is nothing that Princess Celestia doesn’t deal with on a daily basis.”
“We are prepared to handle the idle petitioner plaguing us with their half-baked brilliance. It is their gossiping that infuriates us to no end.”
“Gossip?” Athena asked, her interest piqued. Luna lifted her head to glare at the nosy minotaur. “What? I just want some context.”
“I’d say it was nothing, but I believe the princess thinks otherwise,” Fancy answered as he opened the menu to see if he was hungry enough for anything.
Luna slammed a hoof on the bar and pushed herself up. “How are rumors about our relations with you ‘nothing?’”
“Oh?” Athena perked up before a low, royal growl smothered her interest. “Right, sorry.”
“A little misinterpretation of my time spent with the diarchy. Nothing more.”
“You make it sound so quaint. We shall find—” Luna stopped as Athena coughed and held up a finger. “... Rather, I shall find the pony responsible for such an egregious act and remove them from the castle personally!”
Fancy winced at the embittered princess’ fervor. “Don’t you think that is going a little far? Despite how disagreeable the mare is, Lofty is correct when she said the rumor is harmless. Harmless rumor milling in the grand scheme of things.”
“If not the content, then we shall set a goal post elsewhere and claim it is the principle of the matter. Loose tongues are not a quality that is desirable in the castle staff.”
“So you got embarrassed because someone is pairing you with Fancy?” Athena asked as she sat a glass of water down for Fancy.
“That’s the short of it.” Fancy shrugged and turned a page of the menu. “Quite a ridiculous notion, really.”
Athena raised her brow at Fancy’s dismissiveness. “Why’s that?”
“Simply put, Luna gains from saddling herself with me.”
Luna blinked. “Saddling?”
“But of course. If I truly had designs on acquiring power, I wouldn’t have stepped down from the ambassadorship in the first place and likely would’ve pursued Princess Celestia. As for what you garner out of marrying me, Luna, I honestly don’t see much benefit. You are already higher on the pecking order as it were, being one of our nation’s rulers.”
“But what of your companionship?” Luna countered.
“What about it?”
“You are quite the charming stallion, Fancy Pants. If such arrangements were only about status-chasing, then the union of my niece and her beau would be for naught.”
“Oh, but they have a long, happy life ahead of them, Luna, whereas I’m a little too old for you.”
Both Athena and Luna shared a curious glance before Luna coughed into her hoof. “Fancy Pants, you do not know this, but I count my number of years by the ages of this world. I have long forgotten any specific number. Pray tell, how are you too old for one such as I?”
“With all due respect, Luna, it isn’t so much about your limitless years, but my limited ones. I’m already halfway through my lifetime while you will always be in your prime. You deserve somepony to share their best years with before they begin their steady decline.”
Luna furrowed her brow with a mixture of confusion and concern as she leaned closer to her friend. “And what are the best years? Who are you to determine such things?”
“A subjective metric, I suppose, but practically speaking, I am as healthy as I will ever be right now. Unless you have a spell to reverse about sixteen years, shouldn’t an immortal wish to maximize the possible time spent with any lover?”
“I always wish I could’ve had more time with those I have taken romantic interest in before my absence, but such value is not determined so simply. The eventual pain of loss is great indeed, but the regret of not having spent such time is far greater.”
Fancy chuckled. “Playing by your rules, I suppose it doesn’t matter as much since I wouldn’t waste your time.”
“Such a low opinion of yourself is unbecoming, Sir Fancy Pants. I have only known you for a short while, but I truly believe anypony would be lucky to have you as their partner in life.”
“It’s not that I have a low opinion, just a realistic one.” Fancy looked down at his water, catching the ghost of his reflection looking more like the last photos of Suede with every passing year. “Both of my parents died relatively young. In a few years, I’ll be older than my mother was when she died. The other died at sixty.”
“Quite the arbitrary notion to cling to. Death could claim any of us at any time. Even I could be struck down by a significant enough blow. The ever-present threat of death is no reason to disqualify yourself from the joys of a relationship.”
“That’s always been something bothering me, to be honest,” Athena commented as she flicked an ear while pondering aloud. “Not the death part, but why aren’t you already married? I think you could have anyone you wanted.”
“When I was fifteen or so, I’d have agreed with you. That rapscallion of a stallion spent quite a lot of time chasing pretty fillies all around Canterlot with the help of his family’s fortune. However, by the time he realized what love truly was and what little it had to do with wealth, it was far too late to settle down.”
“Too late? So what, you’re just gonna stay single forever because you were a wild stallion in the past?”
Quickly losing his appetite, Fancy closed the menu and lifted his water to take another drink while he gathered his thoughts. “Not quite, but I’ve made my peace with it if that’s the case.”
“And here I was foolishly upset with the cheap claims of you seeking a royal marriage.” Luna softened with a somber frown. “Such a dismal outlook is not healthy, dear Fancy Pants. Surely there is somepony that you have found favor with.”
“That is…” Fancy trailed as he began idly polishing his monocle, “complicated.”
“Only as complicated as you make it, my friend,” Luna noted.
“Yeah, there are plenty of fish in the sea, Fancy,” Athena added.
Fancy half-heartedly laughed and put his monocle back on. “Not when you know the best one.”
“While I fail to see what ichthyology has to do with anything, this topic clearly makes you uncomfortable. So instead, let us return to the happier topic of mourning the death of art.” Luna indulged deeply in her coffee, the incredible bitterness matching her mood.
“That’s a rather accurately harsh take,” Fancy noted, smirking with understanding. “Still, I thought Bold’s works were quite nice.”
“As did I, but such a world is tainted by the finery of supposed nobility. The pageantry, the droll conversations, the double-speak…” Luna twirled a hoof, spinning the reasons for hating the exhibition like a weaver’s wheel. “Even granting the skill of the artist, those pieces were not worth the bits they were being sold for.”
“So you noticed that as well? I, for one, would welcome an investigation into the art market. A word of caution though: you may want to familiarize yourself with modern economic machinations before diving headlong into it. While it’s a rather out-of-control situation, it isn’t for lack of trying on Princess Celestia’s part.”
“That is, unfortunately, no surprise,” the princess huffed in dismay. “While my sister has the aptitude for shining a light to scatter the shadows, she can struggle to reveal the ones ultimately casting them. She is no fool, but she often lacks the subtlety one requires to deal with matters efficiently without overstepping her bounds.” Luna rolled her eyes and took another chug of coffee to fortify her patience. “Still, I suppose it was hoping against hope that art could be presented for art’s sake knowing these cretin nobles. The foundations of creativity have all but rotted away in the face of hollow prestige.”
At that last remark, Fancy recalled his request to Vinyl and brightened. “Not all is lost, Luna. I might have a last bastion for such a presentation as it were. Have you heard of the ESPA Performer Showcases coming up?”
“Celestia mentioned she will be attending the event in passing and that it is something I might enjoy, though she also said the same for tonight’s exhibition with your escort. I believe the group that held The Histories of a Thousand Notes are one in the same, yes?”
Rising with more excitement from the comfortable topic, Fancy nodded in agreement. “You’re quite right. It is a venerable institution that I am more than happy to continue contributing parents’ wealth to in their memory. While it is a more formal event, I wouldn’t say it is needlessly lavish. Three nights to enjoy the lesser-known artists of Equestria. If I may be so bold, I would go so far as to say it is held in much the same spirit as the ancient Night Court you told me about.”
Luna’s ears perked up as she turned to give Fancy her undivided attention. “My Night Court? Truly?”
“Of a sort, yes,” Fancy replied, setting his water down to return her attentiveness. “It is mostly a display of the talents being honed at by Society’s members. Music, drama, storytelling, really anything that can be performed, hence the name ‘Performers Showcase.’” Fancy then looked up at Athena. “I was planning on inviting you two on the night I will be attending.”
“Wait. Two as in ‘me too,’ too?” the flummoxed minotaur asked and backed away from her friends. “Why am I suddenly getting dragged into this? I don’t know the first thing about art!”
“Neither do I, but that has never stopped me from enjoying a good show,” Fancy answered. “Besides, the ESPA rarely disappoints.”
“You should come, Athena,” Luna urged her friend with renewed excitement. “It shall be a most wonderful spectacle, especially with your company.”
“I-I don’t know.” The minotaur hummed and closed her eyes to mull over the idea. “You said it was three nights, right? I can’t afford to be shut down that many nights in a row. I’m not exactly a hot dinner spot, but I do get some griffon regulars on the weekends.”
“I’m not asking you to go to all three nights,” Fancy clarified. “I’m only attending the first, the student performances, which is on a Thursday. Your attendance beyond that will be up to you.”
Athena paused her absentminded flicking and grimaced. “How old are these students we’re talking about? Not to sound like a monster, but if it’s a roundabout way of saying ‘foals' choir,’ I’m giving that one a hard pass. The endearing cuteness is not enough for me to ignore the pain in my ears caused by offkey singing.”
“Not to worry, Athena. While it’s referred to as students, it’s more of a young professionals night for the up-and-coming talents in Equestria. They’re only students in the sense that they’re attending a school under the umbrella of the ESPA. Not only do I get to see the students benefiting from my family’s grant money, but it’s also the evening Fleur de Lis and Vinyl Scratch will be performing. I was hoping to introduce you two to them.”
While he was looking forward to meeting the other grant recipients, it was the latter that held significance to Fancy Pants. Vinyl Scratch had apparently taken inspiration from the work she was doing for him with the records. Exactly what she meant by it, he didn’t know outside of her asking permission to use an album of his. While Éclair received all the royalties for Suede’s music, he still managed the distribution rights with the help of the ESPA. By all accounts, he should know exactly what she planned to do with it, but with Fluffer Duster’s excitement for the work in progress, he purposely refused to hear anything about it outside of giving her blanket permission to use whatever she needed for her music. After all, why ruin a good surprise?
“Okay, so I guess the next important question is where is it?” Athena probed with cautious intrigue.
“The Equestrian Society for the Performing Arts’ Rosen Aria concert hall. A tad smaller than where the Equestrian Royal Philharmonic usually plays, but illustrious in its own right.”
“How much smaller? They have double doors, right?”
“Double doors?” Luna asked, confused why doorways should matter for a performance.
“To nip this line of questioning in the bud, you will find that the building is able to accommodate you just fine.”
“Strange. I thought Canterlot had been designed with my sister’s height in mind. Has your size given you problems in the past?”
“Seriously?” Athena curled an eyebrow and leaned over the bar counter to look her friend in the eyes. “When’s the last time you saw another minotaur besides me? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m big even by minotaur standards.”
“Nonsense, Athena. I know you’re a little taller than my sister—”
“A little?” The minotaur stood back up, letting the sitting princess take in her full size. “Luna, I’m pretty sure I’m more than two of you stacked together.”
Sensing the challenge, Luna summoned two astral visages of herself and stacked them with one standing on the other’s back. Seeing how the minotaur still loomed over them, Luna moved the higher projection up to stand on the lower one’s head and just barely met Athena’s eyes.
“Excluding our horns, I’d say we’re about even. Wouldn’t you agree?” Luna asked while turning up at her friend.
The minotaur pursed her lips and looked back at the victorious princess with an impatient scowl before sighing. Athena popped her back and stood up straighter, gaining even more height. Fancy hadn’t realized just how much effort the minotaur had been putting in to making herself seem smaller. With the impromptu princess measuring stick next to her at her full height, it made Fancy glad knowing Athena was a peaceful creature. Even Luna seemed taken aback by her incredible stature.
“One should always endeavor to maintain proper posture, Athena,” Luna mumbled as dispelled the phantasmal alicorns.
“Sorry. Force of habit,” Athena apologized as she caught herself instinctively hunching back down. “It’s just that most ponies don’t feel comfortable placing an order with someone who looks like they could juggle their entire party of four.”
“I am quite surprised that you managed to attain such a physical presence while abstaining from meat. Your kind tends to bend towards the carnivorous side of omnivorous diets.”
“Well, it just kind of happens when you’re willing to try any edible plant you can find to stay away from meat, regardless of potential magical effects. Only realized that I should’ve been more careful with my culinary experiments after I woke up one morning unable to sit up in my room without banging my horns on the ceiling.” The minotaur tapped her index fingers together and blushed from her memories. “After one really awkward conversation with the local alchemist, it turned out making a cobbler using glowing blueberries you found on a walk was a bad idea.”
Luna blinked as she connected several dots in her head. “You mean to say that you stumbled across a mystical titanberry bush and your first instinct was to make a dessert of all things?” Luna’s muzzle crumpled as she tried to stifle her snickers.
“I didn’t know what they were, okay? Twelve-year-olds don’t make good decisions!” Athena barked back. “I’m just glad I was still learning to cook back then and botched the recipe. If I hadn’t burned away most of the juices, I might’ve had to move to the Dragon Lands after ingesting enough berries to dwarf an elder dragon.”
The thought of the meek mountain-sized minotaur selling colossal gemstone cakes to a dragonlord did bear a certain irony Fancy could appreciate. Luna, on the other hoof, found it far funnier and guffawed freely at the innocent girl’s mistake. It did explain why Athena bore the natural physique of a hardened warrior rather than a plump, homebody cook.
“If ancient memories serve me right, just one titanberry was enough for a potent giant’s draught elixir, but those battle potions’ effects always subsided after a few minutes. You must’ve eaten quite a number of them to leave a lasting effect.”
“Y-yeah. It was scary at first, but luckily I was able to stand up and fit through my bedroom door later that day. The problem was, my shrinking slowed throughout the week. I wound up borrowing my dad’s clothes for a while. But, of course, a year later, the teens roared with a vengeance. For once, my parents were thankful that my diet was vegan so I didn’t eat them out of house and home.” Athena shook the past from her head, bringing her back to the conversation. “So yeah, there’s a reason I mostly stick to my restaurant and the outside. I can dip down and go into most anyplace in Equestria with a double door, no problem. Now, should I go inside is an entirely different question. Most of the time, I might as well be a drunk yak in a ceramics shop.”
“Clearly you’re broader than a pony, but you most certainly aren’t as wide as your male counterparts. I recall seeing a rather ridiculously proportioned blue fellow leave your establishment before.”
“Broad and blue… You mean Iron Will?” Athena scoffed and rolled her eyes at the thought of the other minotaur. “If your definition of ‘broad’ is that jerk that doesn’t know what leg day is, then yeah. But at least he can slide through most pony doors. I, on the other hand, have a hard size limit. If it’s a single, there’s a lot of me to push through at any angle I try, and unless it’s an emergency, I refuse to embarrass myself crab-walking through one ever again. I learned the hard way that most anyplace in Equestria outside of Canterlot was going to be a struggle.”
“Why am I sensing a story here?” Luna asked. Athena looked at Fancy Pants and shrugged, letting him take the reins.
“That would be my fault. I happened across Athena while visiting Minossus. After talking to her, I could see her unique culinary expertise was being wasted and offered to help her move her business to Equestria. There would be more potential with her vegan cuisine being far more appealing to pony tastes.”
“I originally had my heart set on Manehattan, but that was quickly dashed on the train ride to Canterlot,” Athena added with a rueful sigh.
“Why is that?” Luna asked. “I’ve been there several times and it is not only large, but also an impressively sprawling city. If not for my wings, I fear I might get lost within its winding streets.”
“Yeah, that last one was why I wanted to move there. Little piece of home away from home, but that was before I got off the ferry in Ponthos to catch the train to Canterlot.”
“Train? Wouldn't it have been faster to use an airship?”
Athena chewed her lip. “I uhh… I don’t like heights.”
“But Canterlot is on a mountain…”
“A fact I can put out of my head by staying within the city limits! Anyway, when I got to the station and saw the train I was supposed to get on, that’s when the problems really started.”
Luna tapped her chin. “I believe those doors are designed to accommodate a wide array of creatures. Outside of adult and elder dragons, I would be shocked to find you struggling to board one.”
“Normally you would be correct, Luna,” Fancy chimed in, “but I hadn’t quite accounted for the route there being run solely by the Frontier Freight shipping company. Unlike the Friendship Express, Frontier’s routes usually run a more streamlined operation to outlying pony settlements and trading posts. They mostly only take a hoof-full of pony workers along with the occasional passenger. Back then, it wasn't a problem since most traveling minotaurs use airships anyway, but for someone like Athena…”
The minotaur leaned over the bar and pulled at her face with her hands, mortified. “That freaking door was barely wide enough for an adult pony to walk through, never mind an oversized minotaur like me.”
“There’s no need to be embarrassed. Besides, you’re obviously here now, so something must’ve worked.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just they put me in a freight car… for eight hours,” Athena whined as she grimaced at the memory. “I guess I should be thankful that it didn’t load at the top so I had a solid roof over my head.”
“Oh. A most uncomfortable arrangement I’d imagine.”
“It was, but that was only half of it. It didn’t have heat, so I had to try digging my sweater out of my suitcase when it got cold overnight. Long story short, I tripped while putting it on and fell into a bunch of grain sacks. Wound up tearing a bunch with my horns on the way down and got covered in oats, barley, wheat, and whatever else they had bought in Minossus. The bath afterwards looked like a bowl of minotaur multigrain cereal when I had finally gotten it all out of my fur.”
“Yes, the cleaning staff did have several questions for me when they found that particular mess in the guest bathroom,” Fancy added as the princess bit her lip trying to stop herself from laughing at her friend’s expense. “In retrospect, some good came from her particularly messy incident. The shipping mishap inspired a few changes in that particular train’s passenger car size. From what I hear, the ponies appreciate the extra leg space along with the few minotaurs that now use it.”
“After I told Fancy what had happened when he picked me up from the station, he warned that a lot of older buildings in Manehattan were built with smaller doors too. I decided to not risk embarrassing myself again and settled in a place where every door must be big enough for a princess to hightail it through at a moment’s notice. It’s usually fine, but there are some doorways that cut it a little close.”
“The building code also widens the hallways to two alicorn widths as well, so you should have no trouble at the ESPA.” Fancy tilted his head up to look at the tips of the minotaur’s horns. “Though you may have to mind your head in some places.”
“That’s never out of the ordinary.” Athena sighed as she started counting the excuses on her fingers. “So, the day is fine, height is okay…”
“You can always decline if you’d rather not go, Athena. I wouldn’t be offended.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to. I just…” Athena sighed in resignation and gripped the third finger in her count with her other hand. “You said Princess Celestia will be there, right?”
Fancy frowned, finally sensing where the true trepidation was coming from. “Athena…”
“Look, I know, alright? It’s stupid and dumb and whatever, but I spent the last five years worried that a princess would come down here, take one look at the meat-like menu, and deport me!”
Fancy removed his monocle and started polishing it again. “Honestly, Miss Cypriel. While her highness might not have thought much about it, she’s at least known of your business for years considering she’s the one who approved it in the first place with you being a Minosan. Furthermore, you think I didn’t tell her where I was taking every meat-loving dignitary under the sun?”
“If I am honest, a petty part of me receives a twisted sense of satisfaction knowing that the fearful shoe is on the other hoof for once,” Luna admitted with a mischievous smile. “Still, I think this event would be a perfect opportunity to meet her in a neutral area. I have also told her much about our friendship, Athena. Not only does she want to meet you, she also wishes to thank you for providing a safe haven for me to… indulge my appetite. Furthermore, if things were to go awry, you can always douse her tongue in your delicious River Styx blend. I have found it to be a most effective countermeasure against the sun.”
“Alright, fine! I’ll go as long as I have you two to back me up.” Despite all of Athena’s blustering, she looked both frustrated and happy to have been cajoled into going.
“But of course, though I don’t think you’ll need the help.” Fancy looked to the princess and winked who returned with an approving nod. “You’re a delightful minotaur, my dear. To be quite honest, I’m more worried about you meeting Fleur and Vinyl than anything.”
Athena’s meek happiness dropped immediately. “Wait, what? Is there something wrong?”
“No, not really—maybe. It mostly depends on Fleur. You see, she may be rather cross when she figures out I spoiled her fun before she had a chance to introduce herself on her terms.”
“You mean her ladyship act you warned me about?”
“Among her other characters, yes.”
“Characters?” Luna asked. “From her performance with her mother, I thought she was a dancer.”
“She’s a multi-talented performer, but her true strength lies with her voice work. Therein lies the problem as she enjoys making first impressions based on who she thinks she can get away with rather than herself.”
“Odd. She was energetic the little we spoke to her over desserts when we met her briefly, but I didn’t expect such duplicity.”
Fancy laughed as he considered how much trouble she would’ve caused for everypony had she been given the opportunity. With it being a more somber occasion, even Fleur knew not to disrespect her father’s memory by upsetting the princesses. “That's because she didn’t get much of a chance to try to pull the wool over your eyes, Luna. Unfortunately, she’s not above messing with royalty. Fleur threw your niece for quite a loop with a farmer character. After fooling Princess Cadance into talking about growing corn in the countryside, I learned then that I should introduce them to her face-to-face rather than preface things.”
Luna hummed in thought. “It sounds like a bit of harmless fun to me.”
“It really depends on how far she takes it. Fleur will keep up her act in perpetuity until she has a reason to break character. With those she likes, she’ll drop the act to get to know them. As for the others, in her words, she enjoys the chance for a sneak attack when she’s mistaken for, as Lofty so lovingly put it, just another noble airhead.”
A small smile slowly crept across Luna’s face as she considered the mare. “So the troublemaker prefers to assess a situation before lowering her guard. Fleur de Lis bears the makings of a useful asset to Equestria.”
Fancy rolled his eyes at the mere thought. “The only spy she’d play is one in the record dramas or movie reels. She enjoys the spotlight far too much to be in the shadows.”
“There are more ways than one to gather intelligence, Fancy Pants. Sometimes the loudest of us are the ones who truly go unnoticed.”
“Perhaps you should meet her before considering her for espionage. Just don’t sic her on the griffons if she makes the cut. I’d rather not jeopardize my relationship with my brandy dealer.”
“We shall do our best to not impede partaking in thy favored vice, Sir Fancy Pants… but no promises.” Luna laughed, the final wisps of stress fading away from her visage. “Speaking of partaking, could I trouble you in firing up your grill for a real meal, Athena? There were several polite offerings at the exhibition tonight, but paltry hors d'oeuvres are nothing compared to something with more substance to it.”
“Gladly!” Athena replied. “Would you like anything, Fancy?”
“Seeing as how I am still your escort for the evening, it’d be impolite to let you dine alone.” Cracking the menu back open, Fancy looked over the menu satisfied with another job well done. While the event had been a complete loss, it didn’t doom the evening to be a failure. Dining with friends was always preferable to an insufferable evening with the rest of the nobles.
Insufferable? Since when had that word so flagrantly entered his lexicon? Fancy chuckled at the word popping into his mind. Apparently the company he was keeping these days was affecting him more than he had thought. Still, it wasn’t much of a competition. Between his tea times with the princesses and dinners with everypony at the mansion, he had found his more recent weeks much more relaxing as he turned down invitation after invitation. The little moments among friends were far more enjoyable than entertaining the whims of the elite.
“Doesn’t it feel kinda empty?”
“I’m sorry?” Fancy quickly asked, turning to Luna.
“Zesty, Fancy. What pairs well with something zesty?” Luna repeated. “I am debating drinks with this zesty grilled ganoderma and I wanted to ask for your recommendation since it’s griffon-inspired and you’re familiar with their spirits.”
Fancy furrowed his brow in thought and looked to the resident cook for her guidance. “I know what tastes good, but she said she wants authenticity,” Athena clarified. “That’s your department, ‘ambassador.’”
“Oh, right,” Fancy said with a smile as he turned over to the alcohol. “Just give me a moment with the drink menu.”
Luna popped her teeth in preparation for the upcoming meal while eyeing the stallion in concern. “Is something the matter, Fancy Pants?”
“No. Not at all, princess.” Fancy replied without looking up from the menu. “Just mulling over some choices.”
Special thanks to Falkenlied for some excellent Electro Swing musical recommendations.
If you find a simple mistake in the GSP (Grammar, Spelling, or Punctuation), please let me know through a private message rather than leaving it in the comment section. Thank you for reading!
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Ah, so Fancy needs therapy just as much as Vinyl does.
On a side note for readers wondering about corruption in the art market that Luna might investigate here's a good primer although hopefully Celestia's presence has prevented Equestria from becoming quite that bad.
And here we have a reminder that all the evil in any world stems from the aristocracy.
11203039 Whether that aristocracy is made up of people who think themselves superior because their many times great grandfather/grandmother did something impressive enough to be awarded a title, or simply because they have made lots and lots of money.
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Aha, so you did catch onto my YouTube viewing habits.
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"You two are just being dramatic. If you want evil, look no further than Sombra, Chrysalis, and those yaks that buried my first ski lodge in an avalanche. Those are the truly destructive forces in our world." - Lofty Heights
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What planet is this where someone has to specify their first ski lodge?!
What?
"One with a second ski lodge" is not what I wanted to hear! I don't want more bad news! Where's my bearer of good news?
"Exploded?" What's popularity got to do with anything here?!
... oh. Exploded.
Welcome to politics.
Luna I think will not deal well with the Aristocracy. But will make fools of them from her position of Princess.
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As the video notes art as it stands has its value determined by a small circle of gatekeepers. If Luna isn’t careful she’ll just usurp the position herself and any artist who doesn’t meet her personal tastes will be doomed to obscurity.
Estee covers that problem here.
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Didn't comment earlier, but I really loved Luna's underhanded jabs that went completely over Lofty's head.
I gotta say, the most persistently positive thing in this story are the characters. I absolutely adore the main cast, and I adore hating the villains. The dialogue, filled with purposeful prose, and looming outside with the flow of actions pertinent to each of them is sublime. I mean ahem, you write good characters and the dialogue in between makes the conversations fun. The flow is superb.
Loved the chapter!
Some more reactions:
Ha! If one can bs their way out of a sticky situation, all that was spent was spit and time.
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“Hers is another name we are familiar with, though it stems more from her dealings with the Empire than nightmares.”
I find it odd that Luna did say this in front of Lofty as well and she didn't react to it.
Gossip is the longest living social contagion, since before the Romans. Luna would do better to treat this as water under the bridge
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Glad you enjoyed this one as well.
I'll let you interpret that.
Only three things from me in this chapter:
1: Your characterization is choice, as always. Still though, it's not every story on this site that can have most of the chapter be three people sitting in one place talking and still be this interesting.
2: I've just realized that the nobles and their society of jockeying for useless positions seems oddly reminiscent of the stereotypical high-school environment.
3: Luna's methods of subtle societal influence contrast excellently with her personality, to say nothing of her sister's methods. Goes to show why they need each other. Luna's going to be a force to be reckoned with when she's fully adapted to modernity. Well, more so than she is now.
11253757
Glad to hear. This one kinda went down a couple buddy trails since the Sunset's Isekai's crossover chapter. Made me realize I hadn't explored Athena herself a lot in the fic proper.
Must... resist... political... statements...
It will be interesting to see how this plays out.
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And I was glad to see it! There's not exactly a whole lot of competition, but Athena is my personal favorite of the side characters in this story.
Also looking forward to reading that crossover chapter when I finally get through my list to Sunset's Isekai. Granted, there are several crossovers I'm looking forward to there, but this is definitely one of the top few.
Her brow?
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Thanks for the catch! If you find anything else, please let me know in a PM.
* Snerks. Then pulls a pillow close, buries head in it and convulses with laugh.*
Oh, that's a subtle burn! A moonburn?
That square-curve painting description sounded familiar.
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Glad you are a savage Luna appreciator. Might be a millennium out of place, but she can still cast shade.
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