• Published 30th Aug 2021
  • 8,859 Views, 164 Comments

I'm Celestia now?! - Mittens of flabbergast

I woke up as Princess Celestia and I have no clue what to do. Somepony get Twilight!

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Chapter 3

Twilight didn’t have any wings. I expected her to have wings. Why didn’t she have wings!? The shock must have shown on my face because she flinched. I forced my expression to calm, for some reason Twilight had already seemed nervous the moment she’d come through the door. I didn’t understand.

She’d sat down on her haunches some distance from the desk and had almost instantly begun to fidget. It couldn’t be helped, I’d have to see what the issue was before I tackled my own problem, besides, I still wasn’t sure how I was supposed to tell her. Somehow the whole Twilight not being an Alicorn thing had thrown a wrench into my plans, although, I wasn’t a hundred percent certain why I felt that way.

“Um, Twilight? Is there something wrong?”

Her eyes bulged, “Of course there’s something wrong. I’m tardy!”

Holy shit. Was I in that episode? Did I prevent something when Luna sent that letter for me? Or was there a Want it Need it fiasco going on in Ponyville right now? “You didn’t cast any… unusual spells today, did you? I mean, outside of basic levitation.”

She seemed confused and luckily it wasn’t in an, ‘Oh no, I’ve been caught somehow,’ sort of way. She shook her head. “No, I was on a train for most of the day.”

Most of the day? How long did the train take to get here from Ponyville? For some reason I always imagined it just took a couple of hours. I hadn’t even imagined her taking the train though.

I sighed, “Anyways, you aren’t tardy. There was never a rule that your friendship reports had to come in once a week.” I smiled here, I couldn’t help it. “You always let your over thinking get the best of you, Twilight. You should know Celestia would never get angry at you over something like this.”

She stared at me. I stared back.

“Also, I have something really, really important to tell you so please listen… With an open mind.”

She didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure if it was so awkward because she was staring so intently or if it was because I suddenly felt like a crazy person. I decided to just spill it out all at once, if she was confused I could clarify. “I’m not Princess Celestia, I’m a human and I’m trapped in her body. I need your help.”

Twilight stared back.

Then as dramatically as I could. “I’m also a man”

Twilight stared back.

“A gay man,” I added even more dramatically.

Twilight stared back.

“Through unforeseen circumstances I’ve been turned into a straight mare! Isn’t that weird? Don’t you have a comment for that?… Please say something.”

Twilight stared back.

I got up and walked around the desk. “Twilight, did you die?”

She was still staring at the spot I’d been sitting. I waved a hoof in front of her face. Nothing. I knocked on her forehead being careful of her horn. Her head felt weirdly hard. I flicked one of her ears. It was unmovable like stone.

Was that a thing? Did ponies suddenly turn to stone..? I mean, it was a cartoon after all. Maybe she just needed a moment?

This was giving me a weird feeling. Well, of course it was but still. I went over and looked out the window. Sure enough I could see at least three birds floating in midair. Not flapping their wings… Just frozen like some rude dude pressed the pause button. Did I break something?

I whirled around as the study door banged against the wall. Standing in the doorway was the figure of a cloaked pony. Behind them where the hall should have been was only an inky black void where lightning flashed as if to announce their presence.

The cloaked figured staggered into the room and started coughing. It was pretty bad. Not to mention the fact that it went on long enough to start getting awkward. Mr Poe, is that you?

“Yeah, smoke another one,” he said, his voice sounded like gravel. Then a pinprick of red ember bloomed where his mouth should have been. Huh, I guess he’d been speaking literally.

“Um… Excuse me.”

“Yeah?” he demanded, his voice suddenly turning sharp.

I frowned, “Hey, there’s no need to get all snippy with me. Especially after all that.”

He coughed again but it was gentler this time. Then after what must have been a chuckle he spoke again, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

I raised an eyebrow, “I don’t suppose you’re here to explain what’s going on, are you?”

His cigarette bloomed red in the darkness of his hood before he answered. “Yeah, I am.”

Was there an echo in here? I stepped closer to him, “Well?”

“You dead.” Well, that was rather blunt. You dead? What was that? A text message? I gaped at him.

“I’ll have you know, I was perfectly healthy when I went to bed yesterday. There’s no way I could just up and die just like that.”

He just shook his head, it made the smoke trailing up from his cigarette form a zig zag pattern. “You stayed up all night writing pony fanfic.”

I rolled my eyes, “Lot’s of people stay up late,” I reminded him.

“You had like twenty monster energy drinks while you were at it.”

We stared at each other.

“Is… That a bad thing?”

He started hacking again only it became real obvious really fast that he was laughing. My face burned bright red. “That doesn’t exactly explain the whole waking up as Celestia thing, does it?”

I was still pissed but to his credit he seemed to be making an effort to stop laughing. “Yeah, I was getting to that part.”

He brought a hoof up to his mouth and brought out his cigarette. Then he flicked it on the floor. The floor of Princess Celestia’s Study. I scowled. Didn’t he know she was best pony..? That made me feel weirdly arrogant. I might need to stop having a best pony until I got out of this body.

“Heh, no need to get your tale in a knot. It’ll vanish when I do.”

He reached into his cloak and pulled out a yellow pack with a pink butterfly emblazoned on it. “You want one?”

I shook my head, “I can’t, this isn’t my body.”

He let a wistful hmm, “It’s your body now.”

I glared at him, “What’s that suppose to mean? What about Celestia?”

“You’re Celestia now.”

I face hoofed, “What about the old Celestia?”

“There is no old Celestia,” he gestured around the room, “Everything that is or was is only here to give your soul a place to occupy.”

“Am… I in the afterlife?” That actually kinda made sense.


I groaned.

He took a long draw off his cigarette, the coal burning so bright that I could almost begin to make out the outline of his face in the darkness of his hood. “That’s the problem with you humans, you got an entirely new dimension made for you from scratch just to make you happy! And what do you do? You complain, you cry, ‘woe is me, that’s unethical.’ Bullshit.”

“Are you saying I wanted to be Celestia?”

He shook his head, “I ain’t sayin’ shit to someone who’s just gonna complain about it,” he let loose another peal of coughing, “Just don’t try and tell anypony you aren’t Celestia anymore,” he turned to the door as if to leave, but then seemed to think of something. “Oh, and learn some god damn magic, you’re an embarrassment.” The door slammed behind him and Twilight yelped in surprise.

“H-how’d you get over there!?”

I stared at her, “Uh, I teleported..?”

“B-but I didn’t see an aura.”

“You… blinked?”
You know what? She actually believed that.