• Member Since 18th May, 2021
  • offline last seen 43 minutes ago

Sister Star


In this account: a madlass rambles about how cute fillies are

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It's Friday night, and yet another weekend is ahead of every foal in Ponyville. One of those foals, an earth pony by the name of Babs Seed, is invited to hang out with two mischievous fillies.

Special thanks to Queeni3 for sharing the story idea with me.

Cover art source here!

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 7 )

This story's pretty good so far, but there are some grammar errors. To be precise, instances like these:

"How about you, Babs?", she added.

The brown-coated pony flicked her mane once again. "It's definitely not Manehattan, but I love these folks. And little Apple Bloom is as lively as ever, sure missed her too.", she stated.

The comma shouldn't be outside of the quotation marks. If a sentence at the end of a quotation (for instance, "And little Apple Bloom is as lively as ever, sure missed her too." in the second example) ends with a period, replace the period with said comma if "[insert name here] says" or something similar comes after it. If not, or if it ends with a different mark (like a question mark or an ellipsis), just leave out the comma entirely.

10972389
Thanks for the pointer! I'll do a full check sometime to correct those mistakes.

Edit: And it's all fixed! Shall keep that tip in mind so this doesn't turn into a bad habit.

Dialogue is a bit stilted to be honest, but it's nice to see these three together in a group. It's a dynamic you don't often see portrayed on the site, and it was nice to see the three of them hanging out.

10978417
Yep, I still gotta improve quite a bit and keep writin'. Thank you for the feedback! :twilightsmile:

Do you have any sort of pre-reader? You have a lot of things that could really use a once over to help it sound more natural.

Examples:

After a little while, the wealthy pair of fillies resumed their little marching to the next destination, which the third pony swiftly followed.

After a little while, the wealthy pair of fillies resumed their little march to the next destination with the third pony swiftly following.

Meanwhile, the trio already were sitting in the tub and sighing contently, enjoying the hot water and the little jets' streams on their backs. The brown-coated filly seemed the most delighted of them, as she already sank quite a bit into the tub, with her eyes half-closed.

"The trio already were" ---> the three were already or the trio was already.
Using the word "trio" turns them into one unit, thus you would use singular conjugations.

"The little jets' streams on their backs" ---> jets' streams is technically correct. However, it's weird and awkward. You could leave it in, especially if you want the reader to stop and think about what's happening in the story. It's actually a common method for inspirational writers to use. But in this case, I think it might be best if you ran them together to make the full word, "Jetstream".

Hit me up next time you're about to publish something and I'll give it a once over. I'll let you know if I'm too busy, but I usually have time.

10999640
All the process is done by myself, so... yep, novice errors happen a little bit all over the place when I write longer pieces.
Especially with some rewrites and other changes along the way, 'tis was sort of messy.

Will tell you when I got a work ready to publish though, thank you for the offer! :scootangel:

I really like to imagine this being after the CMC got their cutie marks. Sure she's reformed, by Di and Spoon still like to gossip and pull pranks.

This was great friendshipping and clearly leads to the next story. But even with them eyeing each other in the hot tub, the slumber party portion isn't needed to make this a great little piece.

All the things I pointed out earlier were minor. They can be fixed with an editor and practice. Your storytelling is spot on. Just write more. And read more. And write more. You've definitely got what it takes.

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