My writing slowly improves, I believe. I hope to be an even better writer tomorrow. Feel free to join my Discord.
Chrysalis has Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor cornered. This is her moment, to take the Crystal Empire! However, before she does, the two rulers have only one request.
A date with the Queen.
She can't say no to a pony's final request can she? Besides, it's just one date. One date, and that's it.
Right?
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Updates monthly? Aw, man. I want more now!
dont rush and nice work
Well, looks like the lovebug is going to get some bug love.
This was silly fun.
This was an amusing story! I liked the way you present Chrysalis here, she’s really adorable!
That said, I do have some constructive feedback for you.
The first is that I noticed several sections where the viewpoint went away from Chrysalis to either Cadance or Shining, and then back to Chrysalis. That can feel a little jarring, because it confuses the reader over whose perspective they are meant to reading as. I recommend choosing a viewpoint character (Chrysalis is the best choice) and depicting everything from her perspective. You can still make it clear that Cadance and Shining are humoring her without spelling that out.
I also see a lot of overwriting. A lot of redundancies, over clarifications, and messy phrases abound here. It’s nothing to worry too much about—this is a common beginner mistake in creative writing, especially on this site
I would recommend sitting on future chapters for a few days, and then re-read the story, looking for ways to revise it to make the writing clearer. Allow me an example:
Allow me to revise this. You don’t have to copy this exactly, it’s just to demonstrate what I mean:
You’ll observe that this re-write is both shorter and more to the point, all the while saying the same things your paragraph did. Personally, I don’t think the narration is actually necessary. You could convey the same thing with just her dialogue.
This is something to think about for your future updates. On the whole, I enjoyed this story. I look forward to seeing how their date goes!
Who's the artist behind the cover photo? It's familiar, but I can't quite place it.
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kanashiipanda
This looks interesting. What will happen
Ha, good to see Chrysalis can still snark in the face of Cadance’s charm offensive. I suppose it might be a bit much to expect her to seriously come out on top and ‘win’ the Empire in the end, but I certainly wouldn’t mind her rallying enough to come across as having an actual fighting chance, not simply having been outplayed by her royal opposition from the word go.
every time i see characters preach about reformation, it sounds more and more like a cult.
nice work on chapter
You can never go wrong with this ship. That is a scientifically proven objective fact.
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I feel especially bad for changelings since in canon to reform they have to stop looking badass and look like a fruit salad instead.
If I took a shot every time Cadance says "adorable" or "cute", I would be well on my way to death by alcohol poisoning. :P
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Well, that’s strictly speaking just not true. They’re still shapeshifters just as they were before, after all, so anytime they wanted to look “badass” again, they could...it just seems that they’re not terribly interested in that themselves, especially if Ocellus’s reaction to finding herself involuntarily transformed into “Queen Chrysalis” is even remotely representative of general changeling sentiment in that regard.
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9 times the word adorable in the story and 10 times the word cute (so far). Please be safe drinking all of that.
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I will try. ^^
nice work
I wonder where they are in the movie at this point. The way I remember it, it starts with Beast trying (clumsily) to push friendship, and Belle just wanting to be left alone.
Also, I feel like Chryssi's not going to like it when Beast spontaneously transforms.
nice work.
Chrissy has a point. Cadance's story just doesn't make sense. Maybe Shiny will play "good cop" and commiserate with her over the bad previous date. (Assuming Chrissy doesn't transform in her sleep. Speaking of which, how can Cadance control what she does in her sleep?)
It wouldn't make much sense, but it'd be a wild plot twist if it turned out to actually be Thorax and Pharynx.
nice work.
and no quarters about it
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Hello sir! Do you have some time to talk about the wonders of FRIENDSHIP today?
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...I mean, given all the instances of transformation and mind-affecting magic seen in the show itself, it’s in retrospect actually not so unreasonable that someone like Chrysalis could legitimately come to the conclusion that this “friendship” thing ponies keep blathering about is just more of the same. And if that actually were the case, that would of course immediately turn them from basically nice folk just trying to honestly help others see the error of their ways (which itself can already be construed as a cult-ish phrase, come to think of it) into something like merely a creepy collective looking to “assimilate” as many others as it can...
“WE ARE THE FRIENDS. ALL WILL JOIN US OR BE PUNISHED FOR REFUSING TO ACCEPT THEIR DESTINY. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.”
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It's because the show latched onto a buzzword for theme and marketing reasons and ran with it, not self aware of how creepy it looks when you stack everything together.
nice work
Adorable. Looking forward to more.
Awww, Too sweet.
nice work
Nice work
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I feel so sorry for your CTRL + C + V keys. They are getting so much use. :P
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Shining continues to lay it on thick when it comes to charm and flattery. How will Chrysalis resist giving friendship a chance? :)
Didn't think I'd get caught up so fast. Guess I'll just have to eagerly await more now. It's a fun story so far and the delivery is simple in a very nice way. I look forward to seeing how they will try to get through to Chrysalis. Although it would be funny if just as they are about to Chrysalis turns around to find the Elements there. Surprise! This was all too but time to get Twilight here to zap you. Eat friendship lasers.
Well, this will probably pay dividends the most once he is getting old and dies, because then the other two at least have each other.
nice work
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please accept our lord and savior harmony in your heart
please add anthro tag
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I'm stupid and just forgot to make that word as "hooves"
This can only end well.
The snark is strong in this one.
Well....
Saccharine poisoning inbound!
11029243 On the other hand, Ocellus does feel like the kind of bug that was afraid of her own reflection before reformation.
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Hence “if”.
In any event, the point still stands that if they wanted to go the whole black-and-scary route again, they presumably could. So “well, maybe they just don’t want to” makes for the simplest explanation I can come up with.
Tsunsalis ho!
'And- and even if, on the off chance, I were indeed purring,”' - missing starting quotation mark.
That was a close one
'limbs and body growing' - you probably meant glowing, but I always thought that it'd be hilarious if Chryssie got a growth spurt when reforming proportional to those of Thorax and Pharynx. Big bughorse.
Tsunsalis intensifies.
This can only end well.