• Member Since 9th Jan, 2020
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Boopy Doopy


Cheerilee is the best pony... Do you have a commission request?

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Chrysalis has Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor cornered. This is her moment, to take the Crystal Empire! However, before she does, the two rulers have only one request.

A date with the Queen.

She can't say no to a pony's final request can she? Besides, it's just one date. One date, and that's it.
Right?

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Updates monthly.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 19 )

Updates monthly? Aw, man. I want more now!

dont rush and nice work:twilightsmile:

Well, looks like the lovebug is going to get some bug love.

This was silly fun.

This was an amusing story! I liked the way you present Chrysalis here, she’s really adorable! :pinkiehappy: That said, I do have some constructive feedback for you.

The first is that I noticed several sections where the viewpoint went away from Chrysalis to either Cadance or Shining, and then back to Chrysalis. That can feel a little jarring, because it confuses the reader over whose perspective they are meant to reading as. I recommend choosing a viewpoint character (Chrysalis is the best choice) and depicting everything from her perspective. You can still make it clear that Cadance and Shining are humoring her without spelling that out.

I also see a lot of overwriting. A lot of redundancies, over clarifications, and messy phrases abound here. It’s nothing to worry too much about—this is a common beginner mistake in creative writing, especially on this site:twilightsheepish: I would recommend sitting on future chapters for a few days, and then re-read the story, looking for ways to revise it to make the writing clearer. Allow me an example:

“And what is that?” she asked, getting annoyed that they hadn’t told her yet. “Spit it out!” She was already tired of the mystery they seemed to place over whatever it was they wanted. She simply wanted to take control now , not waste time bargaining.

Allow me to revise this. You don’t have to copy this exactly, it’s just to demonstrate what I mean:

”And what is it?” Chrysalis demanded. “Spit it out!” Their obliqueness annoyed her. She wanted to take control now, not waste time playing these stupid games!

You’ll observe that this re-write is both shorter and more to the point, all the while saying the same things your paragraph did. Personally, I don’t think the narration is actually necessary. You could convey the same thing with just her dialogue.

This is something to think about for your future updates. On the whole, I enjoyed this story. I look forward to seeing how their date goes!

Who's the artist behind the cover photo? It's familiar, but I can't quite place it.

This looks interesting. What will happen

“Would you rather eat blank line or blank line?”

:rainbowlaugh:

Ha, good to see Chrysalis can still snark in the face of Cadance’s charm offensive. I suppose it might be a bit much to expect her to seriously come out on top and ‘win’ the Empire in the end, but I certainly wouldn’t mind her rallying enough to come across as having an actual fighting chance, not simply having been outplayed by her royal opposition from the word go.

every time i see characters preach about reformation, it sounds more and more like a cult.

nice work on chapter:twilightsmile:

You can never go wrong with this ship. That is a scientifically proven objective fact. :heart:

11021010
I feel especially bad for changelings since in canon to reform they have to stop looking badass and look like a fruit salad instead.

If I took a shot every time Cadance says "adorable" or "cute", I would be well on my way to death by alcohol poisoning. :P

11028762
Well, that’s strictly speaking just not true. They’re still shapeshifters just as they were before, after all, so anytime they wanted to look “badass” again, they could...it just seems that they’re not terribly interested in that themselves, especially if Ocellus’s reaction to finding herself involuntarily transformed into “Queen Chrysalis” is even remotely representative of general changeling sentiment in that regard.

11028818
9 times the word adorable in the story and 10 times the word cute (so far). Please be safe drinking all of that.

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