• Member Since 29th Dec, 2020
  • offline last seen April 11th


No matter who, where, what, or why you are, live life, respect others, show compassion, and stay positive. God bless you!


Part of the Spiral of Fate universe.

Outpost 13...often considered the most unlucky posting to be given when you’re a Royal Guard. It holds no real tactical value, and was built long ago before the Unification Period of the Three Pony Tribes. It’s now more of a historical site, being the last-standing remnant of a bygone era. It’s useless, it’s remote, and it’s boring.

And it’s the perfect dumping ground for when you want to get rid of three of the Royal Guard’s worst soldiers ever.

Private Samwise Tater (the Thinker), Corporal Plucky Guess (the Cynic), and Private Prism Rain (the Sleeper) --- the three of them have been at Outpost 13 for one year now, all on their own. Once you’ve been there that long, you begin to develop a routine: wake up at 0600, eat, then stave off boredom for the next 18 hours before it’s time to go to bed. Usually by talking or planning ways to take over the world, or if nothing else, how to raid Princess Celestia’s cake stash without getting caught.

Today’s their one year anniversary, and they’re at their breaking point.

(Heavily inspired by Rooster Teeth’s Red Vs. Blue web-series.)

Featured: 2021/08/18 - 2021/08/23
*200 Likes! Thanks everyone!*

SPECIAL THANKS: Cover art by Hunternif (Sketch 41: “Early Morning”)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 42 )

An entire year? Those poor bastards. :fluttercry:

Damn, but I kind of wish this was longer. This is a really well done story! Your characters alone are worth reading. Definitely getting some RvB vibes. If I could give another thumbs up, dude, I totally would. Looking at your other two stories, you have a gift for this kind of writing. Keep it up!

Thanks! Glad you liked it! :twilightsmile:

And who knows? Maybe we'll see these three again, somewhere, somehow... :trollestia:

I remember being introduced to Red vs. Blue during a relief briefing on my first Tour in Iraq... I fell out of my chair laughing...

The sad thing was; while parked in a Humvee babysitting the same 3 square miles of empty desert for the hundredth time... me in the Gunner's seat, my Driver, and my Sergeant actually did end up having these kinds of conversations...

I love this. The dynamic between the three guards was hilarious and kinda heartwarming.

Hopefully you've got a chuckle or two out of it.

You bet! I might've even giggled

I don't know if you want to make a long-form story out of this, but I would read the hell out of it if you did.

You know, it's not often something makes me want to rewatch The Clone Wars and Red vs. Blue at the same time.

I keep reading Samwise as Samwiz

On that note, Trollos

Thank you for your time.

"You three are, without a doubt, the worst Solar Guards I've ever heard of."

Plucky couldn't resist. "But you have heard of us."

That just puts the icing on the cake for me. Well done

I have distinct feeling that is included in the end.

I fucking love thid

All I can think of is 29 stumps while reading this

Yooo, congrats on the feature! I didn't know it was you at first! Keep up the good work. This is great. Guard conversations are always super fun to write out.

Most accurate representation of the ball of hate that is a Corporal I've ever seen LMFAO

personnally, i'd rather want a sequel
i mean, how are these three idiots gonna get back to the royal guard?
are they gonna quit/get fired?
are they just gonna get back to a near town and just forget to come back to their superiors?
are they gonna build a home nearby to fact-check their bets?
who knows? so many possibilities and so much loving hate!

Well, they're not gonna get fired, because they've already been fired. (Sorry, couldn't resist. :trollestia: )

Don't worry, we'll be seeing them again soonTM. :raritywink: They won't be quitting, they won't be jumping ship, and they certainly won't be building a home out in the middle of nowhere, since they've already lived in the middle of nowhere and they didn't exactly find it pleasant.

Honestly, when I first made this story it was just three silly Guards doing silly Guard things. I certainly didn't expect it to blow up the way it did, or for these three idiots to suddenly become so beloved by everyone. But now that it has, I find myself coming up with new plans and misadventures for them. In fact, I've even been debating to have them as my three "mascot" characters, so to speak.

that's the internet for you
make a character as hated as possible and everyone will love them (reminds me of the Pine Twins from Gravity Falls (stan and ford i mean) )
but yeah, now they're loved and you can only blame it on your writing skills, gotta be good for a bad guy to feel good
also i won't lie at one point i did actually wondered if they were just insane and in an asylium
anyway, hope to see them Soontm and how they're gonna annoy their way in life

Anybody else getting Red vs. Blue vibes? That sent me back to good times.

This story was actually very heavily-inspired by Red Vs. Blue, especially the Blood Gulch Chronicles. I feel like the "modern" Rvb (mainly Zero) has kinda lost its way since Season 17, but since Rooster Teeth wasn't going to fix the problem...

Well, in the words of the almighty Thanos:


I agree. RvB has moved away from what it was in the past. After reading one of your comments, it sounds like we will see a bit more of our insane trio. I believe I will not be the only one looking forward to that.

We don't have to worry about Freelancers right?

Nope, no Freelancers, although you might be seeing a few more Dragons than usual...

Hmmm...I wonder why? :trollestia:

People have created cannibalistic societies in less time than they had, so on the whole they did quite well.

Okay, that was some good comedy right there. I wasn't slapping my knees with laughter, but these characters clicked, and that is more important than rapid-fire jokes. Also, congrats on getting featured, and getting the amount of likes and views you did. And with a story that featured OCs only, without any porn. Keep this up, and you'll go places.
And a personal note: You, as a relative "new blood" on the site, inspire me, since I'm an even bigger rookie. But you showed it's possible to write good shit without succumbing to popular demand. Liked&followed.

Thanks for the compliments! Glad to have given you some inspiration with my horse-words. :twilightsmile:

It can be, yes. That is why you need a solid premise, believable characters that have good chemistry, and practice. Practice, refine, practice, refine, practice, refine, and keep repeating that process. Say the jokes to yourself. Do you laugh at them? If so, then try using that, or if you find something better, use that instead. If you don't laugh, chances are it won't make others laugh either, so scrap it and start again.

But the most important thing to remember about comedy is that it's not the quantity of the jokes that counts, but how well-timed they are, who says them, and their quality. You can throw out joke after joke after joke, but if most don't work very well or if they're low quality, then the story won't be funny. I'd rather have one amazing, hilarious joke that has me dying and wheezing from laughter every time I hear it than a dozen jokes that only make me chuckle once and then never again.

The second most important thing to remember about comedy is that not all comedy has to be in dialogue. Environmental comedy (such as how the world is viewed or shown in a ridiculous way to the characters) can work just as well. Thoughtful/philosophical humor is also great when used well. Just don't overdo it either, or it will fall into slapstick, which is hard to take seriously for some people and ends up looping back to not being funny sometimes (unless the reader happens to like slapstick, in which case it just becomes funnier).

In this story, I didn't actually make that many "joke" jokes, and instead did a parody/deconstruction of military tropes and included mundane humor on top of it, with the occasional dialogue joke and dark humor to spice it up. A lot of what Samwise says isn't inherently funny out of context, but when read in context of the conversation, the humor is understood better, because he plays off the other two guards.

Sorry for the wall of text/essay, but I felt like a discussion on how comedy is written would be good.

Howdy, hi!

I absolutely loved this fic. The banter between the three mains was absolutely spot on and it was an enjoyable ride from start to finish. You wrote an absolutely astounding dynamic between these three characters and I loved every word that came out of their mouths. Each character bounced off the others in believable ways and I truly felt like they were a unit together.

The comedic delivery was on point as well. The opening waking up sequence is one of my absolute favourite moments in comedy I've read in a long while. I truly look forward to any follow-ups or future work you do.

A second paper fluttered from the open trapdoor, and he grabbed it, reading his own hoofwriting again:

a great sequence to start! really establishing these OCs in a relatable way right out of the gate. feels like the beginning of a movie.

This time Plucky did scream.

ah, wonderful banter! did i catch a bit of metacommentary with the "never wondered why we're here" line? also i am already liking Prism Rain but i am biased here

"I thrived on planning new ways to kill both of you, and held onto that thought and milked it for everything it was worth, that's how I survived," Plucky answered. "I'm like a Changeling, except instead of love, it's hatred."

loved this bit of banter especially.

"Seriously, I'm pretty sure we ran out of food months ago..." Samwise murmured off to the side. "What have we been eating, snowcones?!"

is this... is this supposed to be unsettling?

"It's what Earth ponies came up with when they saw the Pegasi version of it, 'Go Fish'. We don't have any use for fish, so we created our own version," Plucky replied. "Prism, fours?"

aww, cultural worldbuilding! very fun

"Wait! Wait-wait-wait-wait-WHOA!" Plucky cried out mid-punch, turning towards Ralph. "You mean to tell us that we could have gone to Trottingham at any time?! My hometown?! It's only fifty miles south from here, across the drink! I could've been home on weekends!"

big oof!

You three are, without a doubt, the worst Solar Guards I've ever heard of."

Plucky couldn't resist. "But you have heard of us."

i see the author could not resist either, hehe

i really adored that opening sequence, and the distinctiveness of the characters and how they bounced off of each other in their banter. this really felt like a "henchman episode", which is actually pretty rare to see in this fandom since even the most obscure background pony at least has something unique going for them, through their cutie mark or profession. but here are these three, cogs in a machine, performing a duty that seems pointless with no real goal or purpose. it was a nice and interesting experience!

First of all, relatable.

You established the characters almost right away to be extremely relatable to us, and the interactions between the three are just amazingly fun and silly in my opinion.

It's also just fun to see ponies with no real purpose, unlike the show where everyone has their "cutie mark destiny" and know exactly what they're supposed to do in life.

Jokes in the story are spread out(imo), and the author doesn't force them though and instead ease us into them, which is a really nice way to do it.

These three lovable idiots are funny and nice to read, and I'm interested to see where this goes next.

High praise from someone who has written high-quality work of their own. Thanks! :twilightsmile:

And you'll definitely be seeing them again. The universe this story takes place in has already started, and they'll be reintroduced inside the main books soon enough. They'll also be getting a sequel anthology side-story of their own about their adventures in Ponyville and abroad at some point, and I intend to keep to the same style of silly, relatable comedy in that one as I have it here.

I wanna start things off by saying the comedy is perfect. It starts with some hilarious slap-stick and dry humor, but as it goes on, it slowly devolves into pure dry humor, as the insane ramblings of the three guards become more and more intense to the point the slap-stick comes back as they can't take it anymore.

This story is also perfectly disguised as a story about existential dread. What we see is just one day of their passive aggressive war of attrition against their own sanity. That's 8760 hours. Trapped in isolation, with only two companions each, sitting in one spot all day. For a year.

It kind of shows just how broken they all are as they start really considering things deeper. Samwise is more akin to a midlife crisis, thinking hard in what's going on and rocking back a forth. Plucky devolves into insanity as he starts seriously constructing a plan to take over the world just for fun. Prism is more subtle, but given how much she sleeps, it's possible she's been going through depressive episodes for most of this. It's a sad thought really. When they finally get out, it's less of a 'we're free!' and more of a 'what now?' which is painfully accurate, especially considering recent circumstances. When they think about if they've been forgotten, it's heartbreaking.

The chemistry is great beyond their fighting, as can be seen in the game of Go Jump In A Lake (wonderful bit of world-building there also), where Prism seems to actually have fun, and for once they're all just having a regular chat with minimal hatred. It's a touching scene you might miss, that despite how much they despise each other, they're also keeping each other sane. Also quite like the mild shipping teases between Sam and Plucky.

The story is mostly dialogue, and it is some glorious dialogue, but you also do a great job of setting up the bleak environment they're in, without overstating the situation. In reality, they're just in an outpost, the only problem with it is that they've been there for a year. It's a realistic showing of the definition of insanity, in the most appropriate way possible.


I'm glad you liked the story! :twilightblush:

If you're interested, I made a blog post that gives a little more backstory for the Triplets (as I've called them). This backstory will also be used in future stories that these three will be a part of, and it gives a little more insight into each of their personalities.

Understated humour is fun to read, even if it requires a certain mindset to fully appreciate. (I must admit I am not exactly in the best of states right now, which dulls the response you likely intended your reader to have.) Even so, the banter the guard trio have with each other, along with their chemistry, makes for an amusing time.

The source of inspiration that led you to write this story may be unfamiliar to me, but the story calls to mind the antics of another group of YouTube presenters (Neebs Gaming) that I only recently dove deep into.

“I’m into mares,” Prism reminded him with a snort.
“Believe me, we’re both...painfully aware,” Samwise grunted, looking glumly at the wall and kicking against the battlements.


“Shut up. I was just wondering...are we friends?”
Plucky gave him an exaggerated side-glance. “What brought this on?”
“We’ve been together for a year, dude. We’ve slept under the same roof, guarded the same stupid wall, ate the same tasteless and expired food, drank the same soured cider, shovelled the same filthy courtyard, cleaned the same miserable barracks, exchanged beds a few times, played games together, argued together, bled together, fought together, cried together, talked together, comforted each other, went to a prank war together, and even tried to strangle each other once out of desperation. I could go on and on but you get the point, right?”

Makes actually sense, if you think about it.

Plucky smirked and looked over the edge. “You’re not fooling us, morons. We’ve seen your kind before; hallucinations from bad cider. We’re not being fooled again.”

Yeah, those fellows are annoying as heck.

“You three are, without a doubt, the worst Solar Guards I’ve ever heard of.”
Plucky couldn’t resist. “But you have heard of us.”

Well, at least they are not pirates...

Good story!
I enjoyed reading it.

Also, I found the source of the cover art: "Finished Sketch #41: Early Morning" by Hunternif.
Consider adding this information to the story.


Also, I found the source of the cover art: "Finished Sketch #41: Early Morning" by Hunternif.
Consider adding this information to the story.

Thanks, will do! Glad you enjoyed the story. :yay:

Nuff' said.

Plucky’s ears drooped and he narrowed his eyes at his fellow guard. “Why? You kicked a friggin’ wall, dude. What, you want me to give you a Neighbel Prize? A gold cupie doll? Oh no, wait, let me guess, the Equestrian Pink Heart of Courage. Sure thing, I’ll contact Canterlot and have them ship it to you on a red velvet pillow. Prism, do you know where the gate key went?”

...Was that a subtle reference to Atlantis?

Finally! Someone of culture! :pinkiehappy:

Hell yeah, love that movie. B)

Did you know it had a sequel? :p

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